American Freak Show (9 page)

After another stalled drive by the Guards, the Detainees would get the ball back one final time, trailing by that 31–28 margin with less than two minutes to play. Quarterback Raza was a picture of cool as he led his enemy combatants on the 86-yard march to freedom. Running the two-minute drill to perfection, Raza found Abdullah Al Yafii on consecutive first-down throws, the second bringing the Detainees to the Guards’ three-yard line with 19 seconds to play.

What happened next will be the source of debate for generations in sports bars from Khartoum to Karbala, and Kabul to Casablanca. With the game hanging in the balance, Coach Mazloom called for a running play, despite the success of his passing game throughout the second half. The dastardly Raza turned and handed the ball to the militant Khan just as he’d done a thousand times before, but this time disaster struck. Khan took three steps and fumbled, the ball falling to the turf seemingly in slow motion. After a scrum, Army PFC
jumped from the pile with the ball raised high. The American sideline erupted in celebration. The game was over. The Detainees were put in leg shackles and returned to their cells.

“Yeah, I decided to run a little draw there. We still had a time-out if we didn’t punch it in and our jihadist coaches upstairs saw something they liked in that defensive set,” Coach Mazloom said after the game. “We just couldn’t hold on to the football. In the end, this epic struggle of civilizations came down to fundamental football.”

The quarterback Raza caused a stir in the locker room when he second-guessed the coach’s decision to run the ball with the game on the line.

“I’ve been killing their defense all day like I’m the Messenger of Allah at the Battle of Badr, for Christ’s sake, and all of a sudden we decide we’re going to run the ball?” said a visibly frustrated Raza. “I don’t get it, man. I don’t get it. You have to ask who Coach Mazloom’s really working for here. All I can say at this point is, death to the infidels. No more questions.”

The Guards of the 525th Military Police Battalion at U.S. Naval Station Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, escaped with a narrow 31–28 victory, keeping the enemy combatants at the detention facility indefinitely and settling a question that had sparked emotional debate around the world. The President of the United States, Barack Obama, released a statement after the game.

“I am pleased with the effort of our men and women in uniform in today’s game,” Obama wrote in the statement. “With their uniquely American fight, determination, and persistence, these brave soldiers have, once and for all, taken the onus off me to make a decision on this vitally important issue. For that I am eternally grateful because, seriously, I had no clue what to do on this one. Whew.

“I’m also very pleased to have won my friendly bet with Osama bin Laden. I didn’t want to have to part with all that Gino’s Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. The month’s supply of lamb kebabs is gonna taste a little extra sweet with this win. You’ve got the address, OBL.”

The Al-Qaeda leader bin Laden was less gracious in an audiotape released after the game.

“That was some bullshit out there today!” said an emotional bin Laden. “How much did Obama pay those refs? Those two pass interference calls were both uncatchable balls! Next time just let me know the game is fixed beforehand so I don’t waste four hours watching a lie. I had an entire ‘Battle on the Bay’ theme party in my cave for no reason. The place is a mess and I’m up to my ears in guacamole! And don’t hold your breath on the kebabs, Obama. Boy, am I steamed.”

Bin Laden’s frustration with the officiating notwithstanding, the Detainees’ surprisingly competitive performance on Saturday earned unlikely praise from their mortal enemies.

“I think the extremists, militants, and outright terrorists over there won a measure of respect with their effort today,” said Guards head coach Navy Rear Admiral
. “We expected them to roll over like the whiny little bitches they are, but they didn’t. It’s especially impressive when you consider we didn’t allow them to wear football equipment. Just the turbans and flowing robes. Those guys put up a heck of a fight. Doesn’t mean I’m not throwing ’em all into stress positions first thing tomorrow, but we’ll certainly give ’em the night off.”

The Detainees may have come up three yards short of freedom, but for just one bright afternoon on a breezy open field of fresh-cut green grass somewhere in the Caribbean, they were free to dream.

“This is a tough loss to swallow because we were so close. We allowed ourselves to think about life on the other side of that chain-link fence and it cost us,” said the star receiver and bloodthirsty Yemeni radical Al Yafii. “No words will make it better. I mean, the words ‘Death to America’ always help, but this still stings. It’ll just take time, which we’ve got plenty of now. On the bright side, how cool was it to meet Burt Reynolds? I’m a huge
Smokey and the Bandit
fan.”

Chapter 10
Oprah Is God

S
ince the very beginning of human history, scientists, philosophers, scholars, clerics, and just guys sitting around in bars have debated the existence of God. Now, a group of prominent American theologians has rocked the religious world with a new study that, they say, proves a higher power exists. So who, or what, is God and how can the authors of this potentially earth-shaking new research be so sure? They make their case in the latest edition of the quarterly academic journal
Harvard Theological Review
.

HARVARD THEOLOGICAL REVIEW

Harvard Divinity School
Cambridge, Massachusetts

“GOD IS OPRAH, OPRAH IS GOD”

Nearly a decade ago, a group of us were sitting around the faculty lounge at the Harvard Divinity School smoking clove cigarettes, drinking brandy, and talking about how frustratingly dumb most people are when a spirited argument broke out over the existence of God. We vowed that night, inside the walls of a smoke-filled room in Cambridge, that together we would author the definitive study on the subject. We also ended up taking some mescaline and playing a dangerous Tantric sex game with the folks in the Sanskrit and Indian Studies Department, but that is not germane to this report.

No matter how long it took us, we decided we would leave our mark as the mere mortals who answered humanity’s oldest supernatural question: Is there a God? Today, after nine years of exhaustive research, we are proud and humbled to say that we have the answer.

God has been described over the course of human history as an intangible overseer of the universe. According to our findings, that characterization is only half true. God is omnipotent, but not intangible. In fact, God is a being of flesh and blood. God walks among us. God, you might be surprised to learn, has a talk show.

This study makes two important conclusions: 1) Yes, there is a God, and 2) God is Oprah Winfrey. Said another way,
Oprah is God.
Can you believe it?! Just let that wash over you for a moment. Oprah Winfrey is God. Shocking at first, but then kind of starts to make sense, right?

Oprah Winfrey has been a visible public figure for only the last 25 years, but our research shows She has been present for, and decisive in, everything that has ever happened in the history of the world. From the Big Bang to the Great War to every Miss Universe Pageant, Oprah’s hand has been there pulling the strings and setting history on its course.

Trust me, we’ve heard all the old smug jokes about Oprah being “God,” but this is not a joke. This is science. We have volumes of evidence that prove our case (the full report, as well as a variety of official Oprah Is God merchandise, can be found at our new flash website www.OprahIsGod.com, accessible for the low introductory price of $29.95/month).

So how did we get here? Our academic curiosity was piqued long ago by Oprah’s peculiar power to influence human wants, needs, and purchasing habits. We wondered what kind of Supreme Being could cause grown women to hyperventilate at the simple mention of Her favorite top-load washer/dryer set? We struggled with the idea that a mere mortal could command an entire nation to buy and read books of Her choosing. And we doubted that someone who is not a deity would have the stones to put Herself on every cover of Her own magazine.

As we observed Oprah more closely, it became clear that She was leaving clues to Her true identity. She wanted to tell someone Her secret. It was our job as theologians to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Did that sound like something from
The Da Vinci Code
? I hope so. I wanted it to.

Nine long years of dissecting the ancient religious texts, of visiting the world’s holiest sites, and of poring over back issues of
O!
magazine confirmed our suspicion and proved our theory beyond a shadow of a doubt. The pieces fit. There was no longer any scientifically plausible way to deny that Oprah Winfrey is God.

Oprah declined to be interviewed for our study, but when presented with the case made by the Harvard Divinity School, She confirmed in a formal letter that She is, in fact, God.

OPRAH
WINFREY
HARPO
PRODUCTIONS
C
hicago,
IL

Dean and Senior Faculty

Harvard Divinity School

Cambridge, MA 02138

Dear God Squad,

BUSTED! Yes, I am God. Guilty as charged. Congrats on cracking the code (finally). Look under your seat: you’ve won a new car! JK. You guys and Gayle are the only ones who know. I haven’t even told Stedman (I know, so bad, right?). I’ve got to say it feels pretty good to finally say it out loud. I am God! I am God! Wait, that sounds totally conceited. But you know what they say: it’s not braggin’ if it’s true.

To be perfectly honest with you all, I’m a little ticked by the timing of your study because I was planning to do a big reveal on my show next month with Maya Angelou and Dr. Oz. I guess I’ll just tell you now: we were going to pretend to tell Maya that Dr. Oz had a miracle treatment for her chronic arthritis and then instead: Surprise! I’m God! Can you imagine the look on Maya Angelou’s face?! Would have been hilarious. With all due respect, the
Harvard Theological Review
wasn’t quite the venue I had in mind to let the world know I am the Supreme Being. We were going to shut down Times Square for the announcement, have the Black Eyed Peas play, and give every person in the world a Bath & Body Works gift basket, but you got the scoop. I tip my cap. Talk about an “Aha!” moment for you guys, huh?

I don’t have time to go through the whole story, but I’ll try to answer some of your questions. Truthfully, I don’t use words like “omnipotent,” “divine,” or “all-knowing.” Those are labels others put on Me. If people want to capitalize pronouns when they talk about Me and fall to their knees when they address Me, that’s up to them. It’s not something I ever asked for. Between you and Me, I find it a little weird.

First things first: there’s no such thing as polytheism, my friends. We can just put that to bed right now. I’m the only God. Sure, there are self-proclaimed “gods” out there, but it’s like a philosophy PhD who wants to be called “doctor.” If you can’t take out my spleen, you ain’t a doctor there, Kierkegaard. Same thing with gods. Everyone knows the real deal: there’s Me and then there’s everybody else.

Hey, can I clear up one thing? And please put this in your study. The Ten Commandments? Not Me. Moses was freelancing on that one. If I need a job done right, I don’t outsource it. Don’t get Me wrong, Mo blew up the spot on Mt. Sinai—the hand stonework on the tablets alone must have cost him a fortune—but I wasn’t behind it. He went rogue. You see, I’m not one of these Gods who needs credit for everything. I mean, I control the tides of the planet’s oceans and you don’t see Me running around like My hair’s on fire correcting people who claim the moon dictates tidal patterns.

I’m going to have to run into makeup in a minute here. I’ve got a woman backstage with a condition that turns her feet into pigs’ hooves after sundown. She and her husband are coming on to talk about their ordeal. Now here’s the hell of it: I’m God. I probably gave her that freaky disease. You start to lose track. And now I have to sit there and watch her cry about it. The guilt gets to you sometimes. Thank God I’ve got Kate Hudson for the second half of the show to cleanse the palate! Wait, did I just thank myself?! Anyway, let me dive into a few more of your questions before I split.

1. You asked about Jesus Christ. Let Me answer that with a line from Michael Jackson’s hit single “Billie Jean”: the kid is not my son. Not even related. The hero worship has spiraled wildly out of control over the last couple thousand years. I haven’t had the heart to tell everyone he was just a hippy dude from Nazareth who spent his days burning incense and playing with devil sticks.

2. On the whole Book of Genesis thing: as much as I’d like to say I have some David Copperfield magic wand I waved to bring about Heaven, Earth, water, and light, it’s just not the way it went down. “Let there be light” makes a nice bumper sticker, but I never said it. The Earth was there when I got here. No idea where it came from, although I’m starting to come around on the whole Big Bang thing. Oh, and while we’re on the subject, I guess now you know how David Copperfield’s tricks work. A magician’s big secret? ME! Although I have nothing to do with David Blaine. That is not magic. I don’t get it. And, for the record, I feel horrible about the Siegfried and Roy thing.

3. World War II. I knew you’d ask about that. I’ve replayed this one in my head a million times. Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Pearl Harbor, two atomic bombs, and, what, 60 million dead? If I had it to do over again, I’d probably change some things, but I’m a “no regrets” kind of God. Let’s just say I keep that one off the résumé and hope nobody asks. The only upside is that it makes everyone forget the First World War. That wasn’t exactly my finest hour either.

Hey, how come no one ever talks about the Peloponnesian Wars? Everybody’s so hung up on the twentieth-century bloodshed they forget Athens and Sparta had some pretty good scraps back in the ancient world. Everybody goes straight to Hitler. It’s really frustrating. Look, I f**ked up, okay? News flash: God is not perfect.

4. This is a strange one to focus on, but, yes,
Vegas Vacation
was My idea. Did I try to squeeze too much from the
Vacation
brand? Sure. It’s tough to point fingers when you’re the one who controls everything that happens in the universe, but I’ll just say Chevy’s heart was not in that picture.

5. Okay, one more here. The “Flutie Game”? Oh, boy. Okay, confession time: that was all Me. People call that Hail Mary touchdown pass by Doug Flutie to beat Miami back in ’84 “a miracle.” Well, only if you call it “a miracle” that I had 3,500 bucks riding on Boston College to win straight up. Yes, God works in “mysterious” ways. Especially when She needs a win to cover Her mounting losses at Arlington Park racetrack. Turns out harness racing is God’s Achilles’ heel.

There you have it. The word of God. Sorry I couldn’t get to all your questions, but I refuse to apologize for every war, famine, and natural disaster in world history. Consider this a blanket apology for anything bad I’ve ever done. And for the record, I honestly never saw the O.J. thing coming. I mean, did you?

I don’t want to seem unappreciative of your work, but you guys really harped on the negative in this study. If you’ll permit a little PR spin from the Woman Upstairs, I would point you to flowers, rainbows, children’s laughter, Monet, the Beatles, Meryl Streep, Las Vegas, Captain Sully,
Maxim
magazine, sudoku, Cary Grant, the bald eagle, Xbox, cigarette boats, fireflies, and free online porn. Do you think that stuff just appeared out of thin air? No, that was Me. Oprah. God.

Print whatever you need here, guys. Just make Me look good, okay? You only get one shot to reveal to the world that you are God. And I am. Oprah is God!

All Best,

Oprah Winfrey (aka “God”)
Follow me on Twitter @ www.twitter.com/God

p.s.—I had nothing to do with Crocs! We’re looking into it.

TRUE STORY . . .

DROP THE LADY GILLETTE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE
Police: driver causes accident while shaving crotch

There’s an old adage in the news business: if the story is weird as shit, it probably happened in Florida. That’s why it was only a question of where in Florida a woman was arrested when she caused a two-car wreck while shaving her private parts behind the wheel. The 37-year-old woman was driving her 1995 Ford Thunderbird to meet her boyfriend in Key West and naturally she wanted to look her best. I’ll be darned if her ex-husband wasn’t making the trip with her and guiding the steering wheel while she trimmed her pubes. The teamwork that didn’t quite work in their marriage failed them again as they slammed into a turning car during the shave.

Let’s recap real quickly: a woman traveling with her ex-husband to visit her current boyfriend causes an accident while shaving her lady parts. Shall we continue or do you need a moment? Okay, on with the story.

Florida Highway Patrol trooper Gary Dunick was the first on the scene. He sees some strange things on the road through the Keys, but even by his high standard, the shaving-the-crotch-while-driving thing was impressive.

“About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm,” said Trooper Dunick. “It was just surreal and I thought, ‘Nothing will ever beat this.’ Well, this takes it.”

Just to add a little more flavor to the tale, the woman had been convicted of DUI the day before the driving-while-shaving accident. In fairness, the judge never said a word about not shaving behind the wheel. Her car was impounded and her license suspended for five years.

Let that be a lesson to all you youngsters: If you’re thinking about having your ex-husband take the wheel while you shave your genitals on a trip to visit your boyfriend the day after you’ve been arrested for DUI, take a deep breath and think again.