American Freak Show (6 page)

The last eight years have been such a whirlwind I can hardly remember them. It’s hard to choose just a small handful of my proudest achievements. I guess I’d say beating the Japs, giving women the vote, and freeing the slaves. Not a bad legacy when you see it all in front of you like that.

To my successor, whoever that may be, I offer you one solemn challenge. It’s an undertaking that will seem to some impossible, even foolhardy. It may exceed the present bounds of human imagination. But I believe it to be our mission as presidents to always push the limits of possibility. That is why I declare to you here and now, in no uncertain terms, that we must put a man on the moon by the end of your presidency. The sky, my dear friend, shall no longer be the limit for this great country.

All best, Ronnie

GEORGE H. W. BUSH

J
ANUARY 4, 1993

My advice? Don’t tell anybody to read your lips about anything. Sweet fancy Moses! It turns out people remember a line like that. On the upside, I took care of Iraq over a long weekend, so we won’t have to deal with that cesspool ever again. Just cross it right off the list, my friends.

Despite that victory and the awesome “Thousand Points of Light” thing I came up with, America decided it wanted some hillbilly from Arkansas to run the country. So it’s one term and out for ol’ George Bush. You’ve seen the last of my family. There will be no more Bush. Good luck to all of you.

p.s.—George W., if you’re reading this book, we talked about this—you were not to run for president. Call me as soon as you get this message. You are in big trouble, young man.

WILLIAM J. CLINTON

N
OVEMBER 13, 2000

A little advice here from a two-term president many are already calling “the Greatest to Ever Live, Including Lincoln and FDR.” That is a direct quote I heard recently at a dinner party held in my honor. I’ve also been called “the First Black President.” I’m awfully proud of that because obviously there won’t be an actual black president anytime soon. Can you imagine?

So here are three lessons I’ve learned in my historic 8 years in office that I hope will help you as you try to escape the long shadow of my legacy.

1. Don’t pick the fat ones. They’re desperate and they’ve got nothing to lose. You want a gal with a lot on the line. A married woman with kids is the way to go—if she squeals, she gets herself into trouble, too. It’s counterintuitive, I know, but trust me. I’ve done the research.

2. If you’re going to introduce a foreign object—a cigar, for example—don’t use the good stuff. I wasted a hundred-dollar Cuban and you know what I got in return? Articles of impeachment. NOT worth it.

3. Nothing against group sex (obviously), but if you’re going to have an orgy in the White House do it anywhere but the China Room. Panetta and I were in there with a bunch of sweeties from the Greek embassy one night and we smashed up a bunch of Lady Bird Johnson’s stuff. That ruffled some feathers. Try the Blue Room.

And one favor to ask the next president: Please screw up so horribly over the course of your administration that you not only enhance my presidency in hindsight, but also make my wife’s inevitable run for the presidency an easy one. As long as you suck, we’ve got a cakewalk to the White House and she’ll get off my ass. Thanks in advance. I owe ya one!

GEORGE W. BUSH

D
ECEMBER 29, 2008

Yo, Barack! How’s it hangin’, my man? Pumped for you being the first black guy to be president. Good stuff. Don’t tell that cranky old coot McCain, but I was rooting for you the whole time. You remind me of a guy by the name of Ruben Sierra who used to play for the Texas Rangers when I owned the team in that you are also a black guy. Do you know Ruben?

By the way, any way you can start early? I’m in a celebrity golf tournament in Dallas early next month. Would love to get out of here ASAP. Boxes are packed. Just sitting here watching bowl games. Let me know.

Well, I’m not gonna leave you with a whole lot of advice—you seem like a smart cat. Just a few things before I leave.

1. You do NOT have to wait in line for movies. One Sunday afternoon I walked over to the AMC Loews Theater on Connecticut Ave. there and waited an hour to see
Torque
(that movie with Ice Cube and the kick-ass motorcycles) before the Secret Service tracked me down. There’s an entire theater in the White House! No lines and free Sour Patch Kids! How sweet is that?

2. Not that you have to worry about it anymore, but just an FYI that Saddam Hussein is a liar. I called him in a funny voice I use whenever I prank call a radio station and asked him if he had weapons of mass destruction. He laughed one of those evil villain laughs and said, “Of course I do!” Bam! I had him nailed—and I told him as much on the phone that day. So we went into Iraq and, well, you know the rest. Point being, don’t rely only on your funny prank call voice to gather intelligence.

3. This is the big one, but don’t say where you heard it. He’s gonna be so pissed if he finds out I told you this, but what the hell: Cheney’s the real president! Surprise! I pretty much just congratulated sports teams when they came to the White House and tended to the rose garden while Cheney ran the show. You believe that shit?

Later, Barry! Look me up if you’re ever in Texas (I have sick courtside Mavs tickets).

President Obama closes the leather book. As he goes to turn out the light and walk back up to bed, he hears a whistle that echoes up the dumbwaiter shaft. It’s Cheney. “Hey, Barack-Attack! You still up there, Chief?” Before the president can answer, Cheney shouts again. “If you are, I’m gonna go ahead and order an air strike on Iran. I’m bored as shit down here. Just a little heads-up for the prez. Oh, and could you chuck some ranch dressing down the chute? Thanks, Obama-Rama!”

Chapter 6
Cable News Cool: The Hip-Hop Glossary

A
uthor’s note: Some say the mainstream media is stodgy and out of touch. I say, here’s the proof. The following is based loosely on an actual memo distributed widely at a major news organization. I’ve added several terms and some color for effect. I also have changed the news outlet’s name to protect it from the public humiliation it probably deserves. I may need a job there someday. I also should point out that the original e-mail was sent out several years before the election of Barack Obama. I added that completely misleading context to make the whole thing even worse.

For the record, the memo did not come from my current employer. We’re incredibly hip at NBC. Just ask Willard Scott.

----Original Message----

From: The Front Office

To: BNO (Big News Organization) Staff

Subject: Get So Fabulous—A Hip-Hop Glossary

Team,

With the election of Barack Obama as president, we as a news organization need to be mindful of the rise of African-American culture in general. It is incumbent upon us to speak the language of the country—even if it is frightening and confusing. That’s why we have assembled this “Get So Fabulous Hip-Hop Glossary” for your reference.

Please use this as a guide to help all you homeys and honeys add a new flava to your scripts and on-screen graphics. It is critically important to note here that regardless of what you may hear in popular music, it is never appropriate to use the n-word casually. That’s a big no-no these days. Otherwise, have at it. Or, as they say in the community, “Handle ya bizness, playa!”

Thanks,
The Front Office

all that
(
adj
): Possessing a wealth of positive attributes. Often used in conjunction with a popular snack food:
She’s all that and a bag of chips!

around the way
(
n
): Connoting one who is down to earth and understands local etiquette and customs, as in an “around the way girl” (in contrast with a “ho”).

Audi 5000
(
interj
): Phrase one uses as one departs:
I’m outta here, I’m Audi 5000!
Unrelated to ownership of, or travel in, the popular Audi sedan of the same name.

baby mama
(
n
): The mother of one’s child, typically used to describe an unmarried parent. As you know, out-of-wedlock birth is a big problem for these folks, so let’s be sensitive there.

baller
(
n
): Ballplayer, though often used to denote one who has garnered a reputation for success (legitimate or criminal). Includes a connotation of success with the fairer sex (sometimes referred to as “bitches,” “hos,” or “tricks”).

bank
(
n
): Money. This is a tough one because it doesn’t mean the place where the money is stored. It’s just the money itself. I know, that makes no sense. Don’t shoot the messenger. Keep an open mind. [See also
cheese, cheddar, benjamins,
and
dead presidents
.]

benjamins
(
n
): Money, specifically $100 bills, as in P. Diddy’s “It’s All About the Benjamins.” You see, Benjamin Franklin’s face appears on a $100 bill.

bling
(
n
): Jewelry, especially the large gold, platinum, and diamond rings and pendants favored by those sporting the “ghetto fabulous” style. An example is the “Jesus Piece” worn by Kanye West. Upper-middle-class white moms have started to use this one.

blow up the spot
(
v
): To give a great performance onstage. Generally used to describe hip-hop artists, but let’s broaden it out on the air:
Hey, Gary! Great report on the five-day weather outlook. You totally blew up the spot!
[Note: should not be used to punch up our Afghanistan or Iraq coverage.]

blunt
(
n
): marijuana rolled into the shell of a Phillies Blunt cigar. [Note: marijuana is illegal and should not be glorified here at BNO.]

bounce
(
v
): To depart, get going, move on. [Point of personal privilege here: also a terrific Gwyneth Paltrow/Ben Affleck vehicle a few years back. Grab the Kleenex!]

bug
(
v
): To behave inappropriately, irrationally, or strangely:
Why you acting so crazy? You buggin’!
Not related in this context to insects.

catch the vapors
(
v
): To be overly involved in, or covetous of, another’s popularity, style, or vibe. [Note: our sources report that no one has said this for 20 years.]

chill
1.
(
v
): An entreaty (or command) to relax. Also a smart thing to do with Chardonnay 20 minutes before company comes over.
2.
(
adj
): Relaxed and mellow.

crib
(
n
): A person’s home. As the recent years of
MTV Cribs
has taught us, pretty much anything with a front door and a roof is considered a “crib.” [Note: not considered “ghetto fabulous” when used to describe an infant’s bed.]

Cristal
(
n
): Expensive champagne often preferred by hip-hop artists and sprayed from VIP sections of nightclubs as a display of wealth.

dawg
(
n
): Term of endearment to describe a friend:
That’s my dawg right there!
or
I feel you, dawg!
You may recognize this usage from
American Idol
judge Randy Jackson, who, surprisingly, is not considered part of the hip-hop community. Go figure.

dis
(
v
): To insult or disparage. Short for “disrespect”:
Hey, you! Don’t dis my new Sperry Top-Siders!

dope
(
adj
): Very good, high quality, fantastic. Also slang for “drugs,” which have plagued urban communities for decades now. It’s really sad, but what are you gonna do, right?

down with
(
adv
): Embracing a particular idea, activity, or thing:
Are you down with that? You’d better believe I am! Wait, what are we talking about?

drop science, drop knowledge
(
v
): To provide wisdom or skill. To instruct. This one confuses me. The “knowledge” part I get. It’s all the “dropping” I’m hung up on. I’ve asked our lawyers to check into it.

flava
(
n
): Flavor, style:
Give it your own flava, yo.
Let’s be honest, and we don’t mean to be insensitive, but this one is just a flat-out misspelling of the word “flavor.”

floss
(
v
): To show off, most often with an overt display of material wealth. Flashing items (e.g., one’s
cheddar
or
bling
) in the faces of others. Also, and I don’t mean to be a nag here, something you really ought to do after every meal.

flow
(
v
): To rhyme continuously:
Hey, Mr. Man! Chiggity check out my flow over here!

fly
(
adj
): Sexually attractive, lovely, or handsome. Different from “bug” for some reason.

forty
(
n
): A forty-ounce container of beer, typically malt liquor like Olde English 800 or Colt 45. [Note: white people drink these only ironically.]

freak
1.
(
v
): To have sex.
2.
(
n
): Sexually aggressive female. Hip-hop artist Ludacris [
sic
] puts it in context when he raps, “We want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed.”

fresh
(
adj
): New or of high quality. Same concept as produce at Whole Foods, but with sneakers and baggy clothing. [See also
dope
.]

front
(
v
): To masquerade as something you are not:
Don’t front, you’re totally not a good canasta player!

ghetto fabulous
(
adj
): Over-the-top style. Think mink coat in the summertime. Not to be confused with the term “Fabulous!” That’ll be in next week’s staff memo: “Faaaaabulousssssss!—Understanding the Gays.”

grill
(
n
): One’s personal space:
Why you all up in my grill?
Literally, one’s teeth or the diamond caps placed over the original teeth. Often seen in its plural form “grillz.” Really excessive, if I may say. They should put that money into a Roth IRA.

hardcore
(
adj
): Authentic or extreme. Also, the only kind of porn there is, if you ask me.

holla
(
v
): To get in touch with someone, as in:
Holla at me, playa!
Helpful hint: pronounced just like “challah,” the delicious braided bread served at Sabbath meals.

homeboy/homegirl
(
n
): A close friend. You’ve definitely heard this one. Come on.

homey
(
n
): See
homeboy
.

honey
(
n
): An attractive female.

hood
(
n
): Neighborhood, community. Used earnestly in urban culture and ironically in suburban slang, as in: ‘
He’s cool—he’s from the ’hood back in Greenwich
.’

Hova
(
n
): Self-ascribed nickname for popular rapper Jay-Z. An abbreviation of Jehovah, or God. They’re a very brazen people.

hype
(
n
): Positive, laudatory information about a person or thing, often premature or inaccurate:
Don’t believe the hype!
(Also a song from the rap group Public Enemy that scared the poop out of white people several years back.)

ice
(
n
): Diamonds or diamond jewelry:
Look at her floss with all that ice, dawg/homey.

ill
(
v
): To behave inappropriately, obnoxiously, or weirdly:
Stop illin’!
Conversely, ill may also be used as an adjectival superlative:
Man, that single was ill!
May also be used to describe physical sickness, but, again, that would not be deemed “ghetto fabulous.”

in the house
(
n
): The state of being present, on the premises. [
A
lso
in the heezie, in da building.
]

Jacob the Jeweler
(
n
): New York City jeweler Jacob Arabo, preferred by the hip-hop and professional sports communities. Featured in many rap songs and in several indictments.

krunk
(
adj
): used to describe an exceptionally good time, usually involving alcohol:
Say, Richard, this corporate retreat is totally krunk!

make it rain
(
v
): To shower a group of people with paper currency, typically at a strip club. The larger the playa, the larger the amount of cash used to create said rain. The smaller playas rush to collect the money they’ve just thrown.

off the hook
(
adj
): Excellent, fun, rad. [Also
off the chain
and
off the heezie, for sheezie.
]

old school
(
adj
): Describes something that inspires nostalgia from a previous era.
Dang it, Steve! Those Stan Smith tennis shoes are old school!

paper
(
n
): Currency, and not just that of the United States. Euros have come into favor with the hip-hop elite due to the recent slide of the dollar.

peeps
(
n
): People. Often refers to one’s cronies, community, or family. Also a delicious Easter treat that can be enjoyed all year round.

phat
(
adj
): The best, terrific, extremely
dope
and
fresh
. This is a delicate one. Use it incorrectly and we have a lawsuit from a fat person on our hands. Get approval from your direct manager before going with this.

play yourself
(
v
): To reveal vulnerability, to make a fool of yourself. [Important note: different than playing
with
oneself.]

played out
(
adj
): Archaic, no longer hip:
Excuse me, sir! That Volvo wagon is played out. Why don’t you get a Peugeot or something while you’re at it!
(Ha! Burn!)

player
(
n
): Typically refers to playboy types, those skilled at collecting digits from the honeys. Pronounced “play-ah” (the mispronunciation of these terms is critical to the success of their use).

player haters
(
n
): Those who disparage high rollers and players, usually because they are unsuccessful or unable to be players themselves. [Note: I once heard someone say on TV,
Don’t hate the player, hate the game!
I don’t know what that means, but give it a shot!]

posse
(
n
): One’s coterie or clan. The group of people one surrounds oneself with. [Note: using the word “coterie” is generally a good way to get your ass kicked.]

represent
(
v
): To demonstrate pride in or bring honor to one’s local community.
I’m representin’ Westchester County, ya heard?!

ride
(
n
): Car, typically a leased sports car or large SUV with televisions in the headrests.

rims
(
n
): Custom-made exposed portion of tires, usually silver and often costing more than the ride whose wheels they cover.