American Freak Show (3 page)
Read American Freak Show Online
Authors: Willie Geist
TRUE STORY . . .
DRAG QUEEN ROBS BURGER KING
Cross-dresser holds up New Orleans fast food joint
You have to admire a criminal who, in preparing to commit his crime, stops to consider the poetic newspaper headline that will announce it the next day. A criminal like the drag queen who robbed a Burger King in New Orleans.
The six-foot one-inch man wearing a wig, a dress, and matching jewelry pulled up in the drive-thru lane late one night, got out of his pickup truck, and climbed through the service window with a gun in his hand. The well-appointed armed robber cleaned out the registers—leaving behind a bounty of delicious BK Triple Stackers in his haste—and made his escape back out the drive-thru window.
So how do we know this was a case of honest-to-goodness cross-dressing and not just an elaborate criminal disguise? Why, just ask New Orleans crime and safety specialist Howard Robertson: “Most of the time when somebody puts on a wig they’re just trying to hide their identity by putting on something like a Halloween mask, but he’s pretty,” Robertson said in an actual quote.
One assumes that many of the cross-dressing armed robber’s fellow inmates find him just as pretty as crime and safety specialist Howard Robertson does.
I
’d love to tell you that the following e-mails were obtained through the Freedom of Information Act or something official-sounding like that. It turns out, however, that the public does not have the freedom of information shared privately between a husband and wife. Especially this husband and wife.
So the truth is that my friend Heath, who’s great with computers (worked on the Best Buy Geek Squad for a while), hacked into the Hotmail server and monitored Hillary and Bill Clinton’s private e-mail exchanges for several months before he was caught and sent to a secret prison in Romania. What follows are the handful of e-mails Heath copied and sent to me before he was thrown into a potato sack and heaved into the back of a van while leaving a TCBY in Fresno on the afternoon of October 21, 2008. No one has heard from him since.
If you can ignore the fact that the messages were obtained illegally, you’ll find they provide fascinating insight into the Clintons’ state of mind and behind-the-scenes movements during key moments of the 2008 presidential campaign. These documents are an important (and, again, entirely illegal) addition to the historical record. I should tell you upfront that just by reading the e-mails, you are complicit in the crime and could face criminal prosecution and extraordinary rendition. Enjoy!
Reader’s Guide
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton = [email protected]
President Bill Clinton = [email protected]
The following e-mails were written between January 1 and January 4, 2008, during the Iowa caucuses.
From:
[email protected]
Re:
IOWA
January 1, 2008
Hi Bill . . . Happy New Year! What’d you get into last night? I took it easy, watched the ball drop with the staff. BTW, that Ryan Seacrest is adorable and has broad appeal (can you say Veep short list?). We’re just restin’ up now to whip BO and pretty boy Edwards’ asses in a couple days.
Cannot WAIT to get out of Iowa. If I wanted to spend all my time around a bunch of dumb hicks I would have stayed in Arkansas with you and the rest of the hillbillies. Can we just cut the bullshit now and go straight to the inauguration, please?! Don’t want to get too far ahead of myself yet (because those Republican challengers are so daunting—McCain? Huckabee? Ooooooooooh, scaryyyy!), but for music at the Inaugural Ball I’m going back and forth between Carly Simon (too mellow?) and Tina Turner (too Obamaish?). Thoughts? And, no, Barbra Streisand is not invited.
Don’t forget: I have that decorator meeting us at the WH on Wednesday to talk fabrics for the Oval Office. (Still so crazy to think—FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT! AHHHHH!!!!) Anyway, definitely want some female touches. We’re taking down Bush’s Roger Staubach posters. And we need to get the BBQ stains steamed out of the carpets. See ya there—key’s still under the planter at North Portico.
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: IOWA
January 1, 2008
Hey, HRC. Not much last night for New Year’s. You know, just guy stuff. I was gonna watch
Varsity Blues
(again!) and go to bed early, but then a few of the fellas decided we oughta road trip to Vegas. They’re very persuasive! Long story short, I’m watching the Capital One Bowl at the Caesar’s Sports Book with some terrific folks I met last night. Ever drink a yard glass full of strawberry daiquiri? I hadn’t until a minute ago!
Don’t sweat Iowa. Take a look at the faces in those crowds: they are NOT voting for Barack Obama. He reminds those people of O.J. It’s Honky Central out there. This one’s in the bag, Hillary! (And so am I!
)
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: IOWA
January 3, 2008
Just lost Iowa. Came in third. For reals. They don’t think he’s O.J. They think he’s Jesus.
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: IOWA
January 4, 2008
What?! Damn! Sorry, I missed the vote last night. We were driving up to Tahoe. No phones/TV. You know how it is. Don’t worry, I got whipped in Iowa and look at me now: beloved two-term president barnstorming across Nevada with Bret Michaels in an RV full of A-list porn stars! Hang in there.
Will call when I can, but, again, terrible phone reception, etc. Trying to lay the groundwork for that Nevada primary, but if cocktail waitresses are any indication, the service employees are going for Barry O. They love that dude! Really starting to piss me off, actually. Don’t worry, I’m workin’ on ’em (if you know what I mean ;) ). They’ll come around to Big Poppa.
p.s.—I won $25K and a Corvette in a celebrity poker tournament in Reno! Kind of a split decision for the Clintons last night, I guess. . . .
The following e-mails were written between January 7 and January 9, 2008, during the New Hampshire primary.
From:
[email protected]
Re:
NEW HAMPSHIRE
January 7, 2008
If I lose in NH, I’m done. Everyone thinks BO is going to win. Need something dramatic. Trying to remind everyone that he’s a black guy who loves blow. What else?
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: NEW HAMPSHIRE
January 7, 2008
You know that bullshit where I bite my bottom lip and squint my eyes to show I care? Works every time, man. Try it. Don’t slobber all over yourself—people will think you’re a crazy bitch who shouldn’t be anywhere near the red button. Just tear up a little bit. Feel their pain. Trust me.
Trying to get back to NH for tomorrow. All the flights from Aspen are snowed in. Met some really cool people who are insisting I stay for their key party tomorrow night. Kinda said I would. Will let you know if I can get out of it.
In the meantime, I’m spreadin’ the word through our back channels that BO is a giant Indonesian cokehead. Moral high ground’s a little tough for me, but doing my best. Off to the slopes! Talk soon.
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: NEW HAMPSHIRE
January 7, 2008
Going to a coffee shop in Portsmouth now. Will try the tears there. Have been going with the whole tough woman thing, but at this point, fuck it. I hope this works better than your last idea about bringing up Obama’s “I Want to Become President” kindergarten essay. That sucked balls.
Oh, and not that you care, but I am NOT cool with you going to a key party in Aspen.
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: NEW HAMPSHIRE
January 8, 2008
Jack Nicholson and Woody Harrelson having an NH primary viewing party at Jack’s place. Probably just gonna crash there tonight. Cool? Thanks. You’re the best. Good luck!
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: NEW HAMPSHIRE
January 9, 2008
I WON! I got choked up and I won, goddamn it! I’m back, baby! How ya like me now, Obama!! DO NOT FUCK WITH ME!!!!!!
BTW, where are you? Haven’t heard from you since yesterday. Got a phone message at 3:30 a.m. that I thought was going to be you congratulating me, but was 4 minutes of you and Nicholson talking to some University of Colorado cheerleaders about your administration’s achievements in women’s rights. You “fought to uphold a woman’s right to show her love for another woman in public”? Pathetic. Yeah, I heard that. You must have sat on your BlackBerry and called me. Not good, dude.
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: NEW HAMPSHIRE
January 9, 2008
CONGRATS!!! Meant to call you last night, but got caught up talking policy with the gang from the Aspen Institute. Mostly fiscal responsibility, NATO expansion, etc. Boring stuff. That’s who those people on my message were. Totally not Colorado cheerleaders. Just cheerleaders for America’s future! Right?
OK, I’m gonna try to catch a flight out to meet you. Let’s go win this nomination! BTW, Cheryl Tiegs is a big fan of yours!
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: NEW HAMPSHIRE
January 9, 2008
Hey Melissa. I have an entirely new appreciation for cheerleading. WOW!
So, I’ve gotta go do some BS campaign stuff with Hillary. I know, total bummer. She has literally NO chance of winning, but gotta keep up appearances. Back in town soon. Will call. Go Buffs!
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: NEW HAMPSHIRE
January 9, 2008
WHAT IS THIS? WHO IS MELISSA?!
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: NEW HAMPSHIRE
January 9, 2008
Oops! Totally sent that to the wrong person. Just following up with one of the senior fellows at Aspen Institute. My bad! See you soon, Hills.
The following e-mails were written on February 5, 2008, the primary day known as Super Tuesday.
From:
[email protected]
Re:
SUPER TUESDAY!
February 5, 2008
Big wins tonight. We’re still alive! I won the real states (CA and NY) and BO won a bunch more that don’t have running water or people with teeth. Whatever.
I know all that stuff you said in South Carolina was bad and everything, but I think you made the country finally wake up and realize BO is a black guy! Time to get real, America. This isn’t
American Idol,
you illiterate dipshits! IT’S THE GODDAMNED PRESIDENCY!!!
BTW, we’re trying to come up with a list of scary black guys to compare Obama to. So far we have: Mike Tyson, 50 Cent, Louis Farrakhan, Suge Knight, and that huge guy from
Green Mile
. More?
From:
[email protected]
Re:
Re: SUPER TUESDAY!
February 5, 2008
Glad all my work out here in American Samoa paid off! Been beatin’ the bushes for two weeks. We earned this one!
Crazy story: after a long night of drinking coconut rum at a Get Out the Vote rally in Pago Pago, I found myself in a wild threesome that lasted for what seemed like days. Before you get ticked off, hear me out. As the political gods would have it: my new friends turned out to be . . . drum roll please . . . American Samoa’s TWO DELEGATES! What are the odds?! Gal named Shannon and a neat local fella by the name of Marcel. Let’s just say they were on the fence going in and “solidly Clinton” afterward. Classic retail politics, right? This really was a SUPER Tuesday! Ha!
Oh, and on the black guy thing, Obama reminds me of Snoop Dogg: tall, skinny, wily, and likes drugs. Go with it.
The following e-mail was written in the early morning hours of June 1, 2008, the day of the Puerto Rico primary.
From:
[email protected]
Re:
PUERTO RICO
June 1, 2008
Yes, Bill, I know it’s 2:30 a.m., and, yes, I am drunk-mailing from San Juan right now. This race is so over. Soooooooo over. I only came down here to sit in the sun and blow the rest of the campaign money on a giant Ricky Martin concert. That guy is such a flamer. It’s not even clear to me that Puerto Ricans are allowed to vote in our elections. Are they? I always forget.
So, whoopee, Hillary Clinton has 18 million votes! Great! She put cracks in the glass ceiling! Yayyyyy! Funny, I don’t see any of those 18 million people right now. The only two people in this room are me and Jose Cuervo. Oh, and I think that’s Ed Rendell passed out in the bathtub. It’s been a weird night.
I wonder if this is what it was like for Elvis at the end. All the fame and money in the world meant nothing as he sat alone on the can with a bottle of pills. It all means NOTHING! Or maybe this is what Hitler felt like alone in that bunker before he capped himself.
I can’t believe J.Lo didn’t endorse me. Ricky Martin’s endorsement was nice, but it would have been even nicer . . . if I were running for president in 1999!!! Is Shakira Puerto Rican? Who knows.
OK, I’m rambling. Bottom line: campaign is over. The dream is dead. All that for nothing. And by “all that,” I mean “my entire life.” You win, Bill, OK? YOU WIN AGAIN! You’re the president everybody loves. You can do no wrong. And I’m just the mean lady who blew it. I’m the inevitable candidate who lost to a BLACK GUY! I lost to a black guy from Indonesia who loves cocaine, for Christ’s sake! Do you know what this means? There’s gonna be a black president and it’s my fault. I’m so voting for McCain. He’d have to pick, like, Miss Alaska as his running mate to lose my vote at this point. Ha!