American Gypsy (15 page)

“First, homeroom,” he said, pushing the office glass door inward. “Read the list. It has all the room numbers and teachers' names.”

“Homeroom?” I asked, hastening after him.

He stopped to face me, eyebrows huddled above thick lenses. “Homeroom. Third floor. Last building on the left.”

“What do we learn in homeroom?”

“Nothing. You sit and you don't ask useless questions.”

As promised, homeroom proved quite uneventful. When I found the second class on the list, I thought I had made a mistake. I didn't know what ESL stood for, so I had expected a room full of American kids.

But the people in my ESL (English as a second language) class, chattering at fifty words per second, were like me: foreigners. The din inside the room rose in waves. No one was speaking English. As I picked a desk at the back, I even heard Russian. I stiffened, ordering my fingers to relax their hold on the notebook I had been strangling.

Growing up, I was never one of those girls with an inexhaustible appetite for socializing. I preferred my easel and paints to playground politics. Even before the kids at my school turned on me after hearing my grandmother sing on the radio, I was already solitary, memorizing epic poems with help from Aunt Siranoosh.

The singer Vysotsky once wrote:

Amidst molten candles and sundown prayers,

Amidst war trophies and fires of peace,

Lived book children who knew no battles,

Suffering their minor catastrophes.

 

Children always complain

of their age and their lot.

And we fought until slain,

And schemed mortal plots.

 

And our clothes were patched

By our mothers with haste.

We then swallowed books,

Getting drunk on the taste.

That's exactly the kind of thirst that plunged me headlong into one book after another. Every package that arrived from Aunt Siranoosh at our doorstep in Moscow sent me deep into a waking dream. Visions of Sherlock Holmes's foggy London spun behind my lids with the clatter of carriage wheels, and I scouted with the last of the Mohicans. Mom complained that her well-meaning sister was encouraging me to become a recluse and socially inept, but Aunt Siranoosh maintained that the first step to success is to learn human nature and that the surest way to do that is through works of great men and women. She lived by Plato's dictum: “And what, Socrates, is the food of the soul? Surely, I said, knowledge is the food of the soul.”

The ESL teacher, Mrs. Maxim, asked me to introduce myself.

My heart beat against the roof of my mouth.

“Tell us your name and where you are from. Don't be nervous. In this class, we are learning to speak English together,” the teacher said slowly, clasping her hands and grinning. Her hair was almost as bad as mine, if a little shorter and frizzier.

I cleared my throat and scanned the room without seeing a single face clearly. “My name is Oksana. I was burned in Latvia.”

“Burned?” Mrs. Maxim said.

“Yes. In the city of Riga. In October.”

“Oh, you mean born. You were born in Riga, Latvia. Wow. Can you tell us a little about your hometown?”

My memories of Riga were the haphazard images of a child too young to remember the details—we had moved to Moscow by the time I turned nine—but they were filled with sunlight, the Old Town's cobblestone streets anchored by Gothic cathedrals, and the summer rains during which some Rigans danced outside in their swimsuits (a legacy of their pagan past). Back then, my parents and I had lived at Grandpa Andrei's house, where the backyard looked like a forest, abundant in gooseberry and loganberry bushes, studded with apple and cherry trees. Every spring Grandma Ksenia filled several giant buckets to the rim with ripe cherries, simmering the fruit with sugar until the entire house smelled like a candy factory. We kept some of the preserves and sold the rest to Scandinavian tourists.

To me, Latvia had always remained a land of enchantment straight out of a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale, and I would have loved to share this with the class that day. But who had these words?

*   *   *

At the end of the day exhaustion threatened to knock me off my feet. Sitting at a bus stop, I realized that only seven months ago Zhanna and I were making plans to get out of Moscow if my parents botched the American interview. We'd go to Armenia and get work at the city hall where Grandma Rose's best friend was a chief secretary. Or we'd head to the resort towns on the Black Sea. Zhanna's voice had blossomed in her last year at the music school. She'd sing pop tunes in the clubs and I'd be happy waiting tables as long as we had our own place.

And now I was here, in this dreamlike limbo where the past and the present ran parallel. Zhanna's excitement never diminished during our phone conversations. But I wasn't telling her everything. Not about the way Roxy jumped up and down whenever Mom dragged in a black garbage bag filled with used clothes she had bought at a garage sale or found on the curb, nor about the change we now counted with care. She also didn't know that I was thinking up ways to keep my Gypsiness incognito for now, that even being in America didn't stop me from replaying the events leading to Ruslan's death. My cousin, who never shied away from her heritage, would not approve. So every morning after that first day of school, I'd chant into my bathroom mirror, “If anyone asks what you are, you must tell the entire truth.” My reflection seemed determined to comply, chin lifted and eyes sparkly, but every time the question came up she scurried into hiding.

 

THE MISS

Encouraged by the scores I was receiving from Mrs. Maxim, I decided to venture farther into the world of Los Angeles than I'd ever had the nerve to go before.

I peered timidly through the window of a secondhand shop off Highland Avenue. The girl I was staring at barely smiled, her pencil-sketched form ghost-still, but she was beautiful and regal to me. I pressed my forehead to the glass and sounded out the words on the book jacket: DJ-E-IN AI-RR.

My pulse jumped. I knew the name; sometimes I believed I loved Rochester better than Jane did. I'd read
Jane Eyre
in Russian several times but had always dreamed of reading it in the original language. Without hesitation I purchased the tattered copy with a few dollars I'd been saving. Home, I flopped on the bed, ignoring Roxy and the three open bottles of nail polish beside her on the floor.

Her only reason for going to school at that point was to show off her affluent sense of fashion. The girls in her clique were quickly becoming the sought-out experts on headbands and color-coordinated outfits. Many a morning Roxy scrunched up her face at my outfit and endeavored to secure a lock of my hair with a Hello Kitty clip. Apparently everything hot pink was in, but black T-shirts with grimacing rockers: so not.

“What are you doing?” she demanded, grabbing her left foot and blowing on her toenails: two red, two black, and one pink. “Can't you read in the living room? Maria's coming. We're gonna play the Oscars.”

“This is my room, too.”

“I'm telling Mom.” Roxy scrambled up and left in a huff.

I ignored her, opening the text to a random page:

The old crone “nichered” a laugh under her bonnet and bandage; she then drew out a short black pipe, and lighting it began to smoke. Having indulged a while in this sedative, she raised her bent body, took the pipe from her lips, and while gazing steadily at the fire, said very deliberately—“You are cold; you are sick; and you are silly.”

“Prove it,” I rejoined.

“I will, in few words. You are cold, because you are alone: no contact strikes the fire from you that is in you. You are sick; because the best of feelings, the highest and the sweetest given to man, keeps far away from you. You are silly, because, suffer as you may, you will not beckon it to approach, nor will you stir one step to meet it where it waits you.”

I'd been sure I would recognize the contents no matter which passage fate led me to, but I didn't. With help from my dictionary it took me an hour to learn that the section was one of my favorites. Rochester, disguised as an old Gypsy woman, was reading Jane's fortune.

I threw down the book and paced the narrow room. Seven months in America, and what did I have to show for it? I could tell you that I was born in Riga but nothing about the city's Gothic beauty. I could name my favorite movie and not be able to explain why I avoided watching it. Perhaps I wasn't studying hard enough, or maybe the material we used in the classroom wasn't challenging enough.

First, I dialed Aunt Siranoosh. Mom didn't call home as often as when we first moved. When she did, it was to report how well we were doing. And though everyone thought Nora was crazy-busy making American dollars with no time for mothballing (Roxy and I were practically the next Hollywood starlets), I knew Mom's ever-growing stockpile of lies had gotten so shaky that she was afraid to let the wrong things slip in conversation and make the whole thing tumble. And because Mom was aware of her sister's skills in the area of stealthy information retrieval, I was instructed not to call unless Mom was present. But the situation demanded immediate attention, and so I sneaked the phone into the bedroom. Aunt would have the answer. “Darling,” she said. “I don't have the answer. Talk to a teacher. Teachers always know what to do.”

Mrs. Maxim was the next logical choice.

But when I walked into the classroom the next morning, I lost my resolve, intimidated not by Mrs. Maxim but by an unfamiliar face.

The rain outside pounded so hard, it seemed likely to drown the world. Soaked through, I had run shivering into the classroom and right into his stare. He reclined behind his desk as if he owned it: long legs extended, arms crossed, a self-satisfied smile creasing the corners of his eyes. His dirty-blond hair reached past his shoulders and down tanned arms accentuated by a plain black T-shirt. I had never noticed plain black T-shirts before. A pair of black jeans made for a nice finish (I had always noticed black jeans). A leather jacket was slung over the back of his chair.

“Check out the new guy. Isn't he gorgeous?” Natasha, one of the Russian students, whispered as I sat behind her. “I bet that jacket is real leather, and look, his eyes are so green I can see them all the way from here.”

At the teacher's prompting he sauntered up to the front of the class.

“Hello,” he said. “My name is Cruz Marchi. I am from Manaus, Brazil.”

You'd think his words might lurch, considering this was an ESL class. Mine had. You might expect him, like the rest of us, to scuttle back to his desk, cowering in embarrassment. I did. But his English sounded surprisingly smooth, so what was he doing here?

“Do you like music?” Mrs. Maxim asked, folding her hands into the pockets of a furry brown cardigan. She was always looking for ways to keep us talking, and as soon as Cruz nodded she inquired what kind.

“All music.”

Clearly the guy was a liar, I mused. Nobody likes all music. I should know. I'd been playing piano since the age of six because my mother insisted I get a formal education in a music school where neither rock nor jazz made it into our music-history textbooks.

My father didn't participate much in my piano education; playing instruments had been largely a man's job, and most Roma women danced or sang. In the old days a woman holding an instrument was a perverse sight, and maybe some of those sensibilities carried across the ages. If it had been up to Dad, I wouldn't have gone to a music school. I was too young to understand that he simply didn't believe I, a girl, could be a good musician. But I wanted to be good.

Especially at jazz.

My interest most likely came from Zhanna's older brother, my cousin Misha, who adored everything American. The walls of his apartment were covered with posters of Wynton Marsalis, Thelonious Monk, Miles Davis, and
Penthouse
models; he claimed that real musicians dated the most beautiful women, and that you found those women only in
Penthouse
. He was a full-time musician himself, and whenever he toured, Zhanna and their mom, my aunt Laura, would apartment-sit. Sometimes they invited me to stay with them, but I hated using Misha's bathroom, where spread-eagled naked women pouted from every direction, even the door. Aunt Laura taped paper flowers over the more offensive spots. “These girls are too young to see what a
manda
looks like,” she told Misha.

On many occasions, Zhanna warned her stoner brother that God would someday punish him for his vulgar tastes, to which Misha replied that he was already being punished by having a Soviet passport and a black man's soul.

*   *   *

At the end of the class period I got my chance to talk to Mrs. Maxim as she sat at her desk making notes in her student record book.

“I have a question,” I said.

“Let's see if I can answer it.”

“This book. I read it before. Seven times.”

She took the copy, leafing through the yellowed pages. “It's a great story. Wow! Seven times?”

“In Russian.”

“Wonderful!”

I accepted the book back, holding it to my chest like a shield. “When will my accent go away?” I didn't mean to ask precisely that.

Maybe she sensed my discomfort, because her face remained politely amiable. “It might never go away. Why?”

“I should know English now. I should be able to read
Jane Eyre
; I should speak without thinking words first; should be thinking in English also, not only Russian; should—”

“Slow down. You're upset because you think your English isn't good enough?”

“I'm still a foreigner.”

She stood, hands on my shoulders. “There is nothing wrong with that. Our heritage is what makes us unique. As for the language, it takes time, and you are doing very well, considering it hasn't even been a year. Give yourself a break. Recognize your accomplishments.”