American Love Songs (11 page)

“Maybe you should take a vacation,” Elliot suggested. “Weve got a few days between dates—get somewhere early and quit traveling for a few days, see some sights. It might help.”

The idea wasnt unappealing, and maybe part of what had been wearing Jake down over these past few weeks was the fact that he had essentially done nothing other than work. That sort of thing could wear on you even when you loved your job as much as he did. “That sounds like a good idea. Were in New York in a month; maybe Parker can show me around.”

Elliot gave him an indecipherable look, and Jake had the unshakable feeling that he had said something wrong or stupid, but he couldnt figure out what it was. “Sure. Or stop somewhere between, see some stuff. Appreciate life.”

Jake nodded along. Maybe the stifling work-work-work atmosphere was the reason none of them had worked on any new songs in a while. “Thanks for the advice. Its good to have somebody we can talk to about this shit. None of us has any idea what were doing.”

“Now, that much was obvious.”

The conversation lapsed into silence after that. Jake had the distinct impression Elliot wanted to say something, ask him something, but didnt know how to phrase it. He couldnt think of any other reason for Elliot to be staring at the condensation ring his beer had made on the polished wood table and drawing his finger through the moisture absently.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Jake finally offered when he couldnt take the silence anymore.

 

Elliot ducked his head and shifted in his seat. “Dont get mad, okay?”

“The beer bought you a lot of points.” Off Elliots confused look, Jake elaborated, “Itd take a lot to get me mad at you right now. Im feeling mellow for the first time in days. If the tension keeps up, Im going to have to start doing yoga with Parker and Jimmy, and frankly I prefer the beer. So, shoot. I wont get mad. Unless you accuse me of being a Nazi or eating babies or something.”

“Not a Nazi,” Elliot practically whispered, and all of a sudden, Jake got what it was all about.

“What then?” he asked innocently. If Elliot had a problem with him, hed rather know about it now, though he didnt think that was where this conversation was heading.

“Are you… I mean, theres a rumor going around….”

Was it actually possible that Jake had found someone to talk to who was actually more bashful about sex than Parker? It seemed unlikely. “An interesting rumor?”

“Youre not going to make this easy for me, are you?” Elliot didnt wait for an answer, just rubbed his thumb back and forth in the small puddle on the table and then looked up, visibly steeling himself. “Rumor has it that you, uh, that you prefer… male company.”

Jake could feel the corners of his lips twitching, but he did his best to keep his expression neutral. He genuinely liked Elliot, and he didnt want to alienate him by laughing at him. “And?”

“Uh, is it true?”

 

Jake very carefully did not roll his eyes. “Am I gay, Elliot? Is that what youre asking?”

 

Elliot said something low under his breath that might have been a curse. “Yes, damn it, thats what Im asking.”

“Oh. Well then, yeah, the rumors true.”
“Do you, I mean, do Chris and the other guys….”

“What? Want my hot bod? Make sure never to be naked in my presence in case I start lusting after them? Avoid touching my skin in case Im contagious?” Jake finally couldnt hide his exasperation any longer. “Its very difficult to have this conversation by myself, Elliot.”

“Do they know?”

Jake
did
roll his eyes this time. “Elliot, theres a rumor for a reason. Its not a secret.” Hed been friends with Chris and Jimmy since before hed even known himself.

“Oh.”

 

“Does that make you uncomfortable?” It wouldnt be the first time, but Jake was usually a better judge of character than that.

“No, no,” Elliot assured him quickly, cheeks scarlet. “I was just… curious. So how do you go about, I mean, finding someone to, you know….”

“Well, seeing as I am not in the closet, I generally ditch the guys and go find someone who looks like theyd be amenable and propose marriage.” Jake kicked him under the table, trying to figure out why he was being so weird. “Same way anybody picks up anybody else, except I have to be a little careful in case they turn out to be the homophobic asshole type.”
²⁷

“Oh,” Elliot said again. Jake was starting to wonder if the bartender had put something in his beer, because he was being exceptionally stupid. “So Chris and Jimmy and Parker, they dont care?”

Jake gave him a blank look. “That Im getting laid? Other than appreciating that Im not a giant skeevy ball of frustrated sexual tension, no.”

“I mean that youre….”

“Gay?” Jake supplied, wondering why Elliot would think he would be in a band with people who hated him on principle. “Man, I think Chris knew before I did, which is pretty embarrassing considering the monster crush I had on him at the time. Jimmys so Zen that shit wouldnt even register on his radar of things to be concerned about, not that much does.”

“What about Parker?”

This must have been weighing on Elliot pretty hard if he had this many questions about it. Shrugging, Jake took another sip of his beer, wiping the froth from his upper lip before answering. “Well, it didnt stop him from moving in with me, so I assume he doesnt have a problem with it.”

He hadnt thought it was possible for Elliot to flush more than he had been already, but apparently he was wrong. “Oh—you mean youre—I didnt realize the two of you were….”

²⁷
Jake had only made that mistake once.

Jake realized belatedly that hed given Elliot the wrong impression. “No, no, not… theres nothing going on. Never has been. We were just roommates.” He was unaccountably embarrassed, and he wasnt sure why, but it was probably for Parkers sake. “Hes my best friend, but its more… you know that nursery rhyme, „Mary Had a Little Lamb?”

Elliots lips turned upward in a teasing smile. “He followed you home?”

Jake didnt tell people the whole story about Parker as a rule, how he had practically been living on the street when they met. It was partly because he wanted to make sure Parker knew he didnt see him that way and partly because he didnt like making Parker seem vulnerable. Something about Parker stirred something in Jakes deeply protective nature. Besides, it wasnt really his story to tell. “Something like that,” he agreed, taking another sip of his beer.

“So youre single?”

Elliot was definitely angling for something. Jake vaguely hoped he wasnt going to try to set Jake up on a blind date or something. That was so not his style. “Confirmed bachelor.” He stretched his legs out under the table and tried to resist the urge to curl up and sleep right there. “It would be hard on the road anyway, you know? That would put a strain on any relationship. This way I can, I dont know, enjoy seeing the country guilt-free, I guess.”

Elliot talked to his beer glass. “You dont get lonely?”

Jake finished his beer and shot Elliot an amused look. The blind date theory was starting to look unfortunately plausible. “Dude, were professional musicians. If were lonely, well, I hate to put it like this, but there are ways of going about solving the problem, you know?”

When Elliots ears turned red and he developed a renewed interest in the wood of the tabletop, Jake realized that most of their conversation had gone right over the top of his head. Apparently, being on the road had dulled his faculties—and his gaydar—considerably. Mentally kicking himself, he reached out a foot under the table and nudged Elliots ankle. Once he had his attention, he pitched his voice low. If he hadnt known Elliot was gay, chances were Elliot didnt want the rest of the world knowing, either, and that was his decision. “Hey. Just because I dont, you know, handle commitment well or, uh, at all, doesnt mean we cant….”

The flush graduated to Elliots cheeks, and Jake grinned, nudging him with his foot again. “Really?”

Elliot was easy on the eyes, always around when Jake needed somebody to talk to, and he was one of the nicest people Jake had ever met. Sure, they didnt exactly spark, but that was not a prerequisite for having a good time. Jake took out his wallet and pulled out a fifty, dropping it on the table with a significant look. “You ready to go?”

Their hotels were only a few blocks apart, and they had the cab driver drop them off at the end of the street so they could walk. They werent in a hurry, and the anticipation was a pleasant buzz low in the pit of Jakes stomach. Every few steps their shoulders bumped together softly, and a spark of warmth traveled up Jakes arm and settled in the base of his brain.

“It must be hard for you,” Jake commiserated, shoving his hands into his pockets to keep his fingers warm.

 

“What do you mean?”

The attempted innocence in the question didnt fool Jake for a moment. “Chad and the other guys. They dont know, do they? How do you keep that kind of thing a secret? Sexuality is such a huge part of who we are.”

Elliot sighed in frustration, cutting him a sideways look. “It isnt easy, let me tell you. Sometimes Ill hang out with a girl all night and let them think I took her back to her place, but I know Chad suspects.”

“Is that why hes such a douchebag?” Jake asked with a purposeful bump of his shoulder.

 

Elliot grinned at him, a dimple appearing high on his left cheek. “No. He was just born like that.”

 

“I think its endemic to lead singers,” Jake confided slyly. “Seriously, you have to know them. And even then—”

 

“Sometimes you wish you didnt,” Elliot finished for him. “Exactly!”

They reached the front of the hotel, and Elliot stopped awkwardly, fishing in his pocket for something. It wasnt a very big city, but Jake understood the need for caution. “Here.” Elliot handed over a keycard. “Im in room 2013. Give me five and come up?”

W
HEN Jake let himself into the hotel room he was sharing with Parker, the lights were all off except for the bedside lamp. Surprised to find Parker still awake, Jake was startled out of his usual silent sneaking-in habits, letting the door latch closed itself before reaching behind him to lock it. “Youre still up?”

Parker made a noncommittal noise from where he was curled up on the bed closest to the door, his back to Jake.
²⁸

Then Jake noticed that Parker was still wearing the clothes he had played in that night. Jake wrinkled his nose. “Dude, have you been in here since we finished the set?”

“No,” Parker said in the exact tone of voice that meant “yes.”

“Liar.” Jake toed his shoes off and sat down heavily on the foot of Parkers bed. He felt more than a little guilty that Parker had been here all night with something obviously on his mind and no one to talk to. “Come on, tell me whats up.”

Parker let out a heavy sigh and turned over at last, and Jake could see that his eyes were red-rimmed. That just made him feel worse. Parker handed him a four-by-six photograph in a protective plastic sleeve. “Its my sister,” he explained when Jake didnt say anything. “Its her birthday today. Shes twenty-one.”

Jake took the picture and examined it. The girl in the photograph couldnt have been more than sixteen, and Jake was reminded that Parker hadnt had contact with his family in a long time. She was sitting on the back of a much younger, happier-looking Parker, a little meatier than he was now and covered in freckles. The affection between them was obvious even though the photo was old and worn. It made Jake want to call his own sister, spend half an hour on the phone talking about nothing and teasing her about boys. “You never talk about her, but you must miss her a lot.”

²⁸
Parker always chose the bed closest to the door as opposed to the window; he got too cold otherwise.

“Some days are worse than others,” Parker admitted, struggling to sit up. “To tell you the truth, I… forgot. I only remembered what day it was when we were halfway through the show.”

Wincing, Jake put down the photo and laid his hand on Parkers shoulder instead. That couldnt be a good feeling. “Im sorry, man.”

“Not your fault.” Parker carefully replaced the photograph in the front of the beat-up hardcover he carried around with him everywhere. “I wish I could call her, you know? But I dont know her number at school, and my parents and brother wont take my calls. I want to think shed still talk to me, but I have no way of knowing.”

“Im sure she would,” Jake tried to sound positive. “I mean I know I only saw a picture, but I could tell she adored you. Shes probably thinking about you right now.”

That got him a small, sad smile. “Maybe,” Parker allowed, though it didnt seem that the notion cheered him any. “Sorry. I dont mean to be such a downer.”

“Oh, shut up.” Parker always did this when he unloaded something emotional on Jake, not realizing that it was one of the perks of having good friends. “A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved, or something. The point is, you get to selfishly spill all of your most depressing secrets to me without feeling bad about it, and I get to take it and like it.”

“You make me sound like you think Im going to start cutting myself at any moment,” Parker said drily, but some of the weight was gone from his voice. “Thanks for that. How was your night out with Elliot? Youre home late.”

For half a second, Jake debated whether or not he should tell him, but then Parker wasnt the type to gossip. “It turned into a night in, actually,” he confessed sheepishly, rubbing at the back of his neck.

A quick flash of surprise crossed Parkers face, then something else even briefer, and then all expressions were schooled into a careful neutrality. “Oh,” he said. Jake couldnt be sure in the low light, but he thought maybe there was a slight red tinge to the apples of Parkers cheeks when he said that.

“Yeah, so, it was fun.” It occurred to Jake that Parker had never had this slow, tongue-tied reaction to Jake having sex before, and he wondered why. Maybe Parker didnt like Elliot, although that would be odd; Jake had never known him to take an active dislike to anyone. “But now I think Im going to shower and turn in. You think you can sleep?”

Parker waved him off one-handed, already kicking down the covers. “Ill be fine.”