American Psycho (19 page)

I spent most of the afternoon buying myself early Christmas
presents—a large pair of scissors at a drugstore near City Hall, a letter opener from Hammacher Schlemmer, a cheese knife from Bloomingdale’s to go along with the cheese board that Jean, my secretary who’s in love with me, left on my desk before she went to lunch while I was in a meeting.
The Patty Winters Show
this morning was about the possibility of nuclear war, and according to the panel of experts the odds are pretty good it will happen sometime within the next month. Evelyn’s face seems chalky to me right now, her mouth lined with a purple lipstick that gives off an almost startling effect, and I realize that she’s belatedly taken Tim Price’s advice to stop using her tanning lotion. Instead of mentioning this and have her bore me silly with inane denials, I ask about Tim’s girlfriend, Meredith, whom Evelyn despises for reasons never made quite clear to me. And because of rumors about Courtney and myself, Courtney’s also on Evelyn’s shit list, for reasons that are a little clearer. I place a hand over the top of the champagne flute when the apprehensive waitress, at Evelyn’s request, attempts to add some blueberry cassis into my Cristal.

“No thank you,” I tell her. “Maybe later. In a separate glass.”

“Party pooper.” Evelyn giggles, then takes a sharp breath. “But you smell nice. What are you wearing—Obsession? You party pooper, is it Obsession?”

“No,” I say grimly. “Paul Sebastian.”

“Of course.” She smiles, downs her second glass. She seems in a much better mood, boisterous almost, more than you’d expect of someone whose neighbor’s head was sliced off in a matter of seconds while she was still conscious by an electric mini-chain saw. Evelyn’s eyes momentarily glitter in the candlelight, then revert to their normal pallid gray.

“How
is
Meredith?” I ask, trying to mask my void of disinterest.

“Oh god. She’s dating Richard Cunningham.” Evelyn moans. “He’s at First Boston. If you can
believe
it.”

“You know,” I mention, “Tim was going to break it off with her. Call it quits.”

“
Why
, for god’s sake?” Evelyn asks, surprised, intrigued. “They had that
fabulous
place in the Hamptons.”

“I remember him telling me that he was sick to death of watching her do nothing but her nails all weekend.”

“Oh my god,” Evelyn says, and then, genuinely confused, “You mean … wait, she didn’t have someone do them for her?”

“Tim said, and he reiterated this fact quite often, that she had all the personality of a game-show host,” I say dryly, sipping from the flute.

She smiles to herself, secretly. “Tim is a rascal.”

Idly, I wonder if Evelyn would sleep with another woman if I brought one over to her brownstone and, if I insisted, whether they’d let me watch the two of them get it on. If they’d let me direct, tell them what to do, position them under hot halogen lamps. Probably not; the odds don’t look good. But what if I forced her at
gunpoint
? Threatened to cut them both up, maybe, if they didn’t comply? The thought doesn’t seem unappealing and I can imagine the whole scenario quite clearly. I start counting the banquettes that encircle the room, then I start counting the people sitting in the banquettes.

She’s asking me about Tim. “Where do you think
that
rascal has been? Rumor is he’s at
Sachs
,” she says ominously.

“Rumor is” I say, “he’s in rehab. This champagne isn’t cold enough.” I’m distracted. “Doesn’t he send you postcards?”

“Has he been sick?” she asks, with the slightest trepidation.

“Yes, I think so,” I say. “I think that’s what it is. You know, if you order a bottle of Cristal it should at least be, you know,
cold.
”

“Oh my god,” Evelyn says. “You think he might be
sick
?”

“Yes. He’s in a hospital. In Arizona,” I add. The word
Arizona
has a mysterious tinge to it and I say it again. “Arizona. I think.”

“Oh my
god
,” Evelyn exclaims, now truly alarmed, and she gulps down what little Cristal is left in her glass.

“Who knows?” I manage the slightest of shrugs.

“You don’t think …” She breathes in and puts her glass down. “You don’t think it’s”—and now she looks around the restaurant before leaning in, whispering—“AIDS?”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” I say, though immediately I wish I had paused long enough before answering to scare her. “Just … general … brain”—I bite the tip off an herbed breadstick and shrug—“injuries.”

Evelyn sighs, relieved, and then says, “Is it warm in here?”

“All I can think about is this poster I saw in the subway station the other night before I killed those two black kids—a photo of a baby calf, its head turned toward the camera, its eyes caught wide and staring by the flash, and its body seemed like it was boxed into some kind of crate, and in big, black letters below the photo it read, ‘Question: Why Can’t This Veal Calf Walk?’ Then, ‘Answer: Because It Only Has Two Legs.’ But then I saw another one, the same exact photo, the same exact calf, yet beneath it, this one read, ’Stay Out of Publishing.”’ I pause, still fingering the breadstick, then ask, “Is any of this registering with you or would I get more of a response from, oh, an ice bucket?” I say all of this staring straight at Evelyn, enunciating precisely, trying to explain myself, and she opens her mouth and I finally expect her to acknowledge my character. And for the first time since I’ve known her she is straining to say something interesting and I pay very close attention and she asks, “Is that …”

“Yes?” This is the only moment of the evening where I feel any genuine interest toward what she has to say, and I urge her to go on. “Yes? Is that …?”

“Is that … Ivana Trump?” she asks, peering over my shoulder.

I whirl around. “Where? Where’s Ivana?”

“In the booth near the front, second in from”—Evelyn pauses—“Brooke Astor. See?”

I squint, put on my Oliver Peoples nonprescription glasses and realize that Evelyn, her vision clouded by the cassis-riddled Cristal, not only has mistaken Norris Powell for Ivana Trump but has mistaken Steve Rubell for Brooke Astor, and I can’t help it, I almost explode.

“No, oh my
god
, oh my
god
, Evelyn,” I moan, crushed, disappointed, my adrenaline rush turning sour, my head in my hands. “How could you mistake that
wench
for Ivana?”

“Sorry,” I hear her chirp. “Girlish mistake?”

“That is in
furiat
ing,” I hiss, both eyes clenched tight.

Our hardbody waitress, who has on satin high-backed pumps, sets down two new champagne flutes for the second bottle of Cristal Evelyn orders. The waitress pouts her lips at me when I reach for another breadstick and I lift my head toward
her and pout mine back, then press my head again into the palms of my hands, and this happens again when she brings our appetizers. Dried peppers in a spicy pumpkin soup for me; dried corn and jalapeño pudding for Evelyn. I’ve kept my hands over both ears trying to block out Evelyn’s voice during this whole interim between her mistaking Norris Powell for Ivana Trump and the arrival of our appetizers but now I’m hungry so I tentatively remove my right hand from my ear. Immediately the whine seems deafening.

“… Tandoori chicken and foie gras, and lots of jazz, and he adored the Savoy, but shad roe, the colors were gorgeous, aloe, shell, citrus, Morgan Stanley …”

I clasp my hands back where they were, pressing even tighter. Once again hunger overtakes me and so humming loudly to myself I reach again for the spoon, but it’s hopeless: Evelyn’s voice is at a particular pitch that cannot be ignored.

“Gregory’s graduating from Saint Paul soon and will be attending Columbia in September,” Evelyn is saying, carefully blowing on her pudding, which, by the way, is served cold. “And I’ve
got
to get him a graduation present and I’m at a total loss. Suggestions, hon?”

“A poster from
Les Misérables
?” I sigh, only half joking.

“
Per
fect,” she says, blowing on the pudding again, then after a sip of Cristal she makes a face.

“Yes, dear?” I ask, spitting a pumpkin seed that arches through the air before gracefully hitting the dead center of the ashtray instead of Evelyn’s dress, my original target. “Hmmm?”

“We need more cassis,” she says. “Will you get our waitress?”

“Of course we do,” I say good-naturedly and, still smiling, “I have no idea who Gregory is. You do know that, right?”

Evelyn puts her spoon down delicately next to the plate of pudding and looks into my eyes. “Mr. Bateman, I really like you. I
adore
your sense of humor.” She gives my hand a soft squeeze and laughs, actually
says
, “Ha-ha-ha …,” but she’s serious, not joking. Evelyn really
is
paying me a compliment. She
does
admire my sense of humor. Our appetizers are removed and at the same time our entrées arrive, so Evelyn has to take her hand
off mine to make room for the plates. She ordered quail stuffed into blue corn tortillas garnished with oysters in potato skins. I have the free-range rabbit with Oregon morels and herbed french fries.

“… He went to Deerfield then Harvard. She went to Hotchkiss then Radcliffe …”

Evelyn is talking but I’m not listening. Her dialogue overlaps her own dialogue. Her mouth is moving but I’m not hearing anything and I can’t listen, I can’t really concentrate, since my rabbit has been cut to look … just … like … a … star! Shoestring french fries surround it and chunky red salsa has been smeared across the top of the plate—which is white and porcelain and two feet wide—to give the appearance of a sunset but it looks like one big gunshot wound to me and shaking my head slowly in disbelief I press a finger into the meat, leaving the indentation of one finger, then another, and then I look for a napkin, not my own, to wipe my hand with. Evelyn hasn’t broken her monologue—she talks and chews exquisitely—and smiling seductively at her I reach under the table and grab her thigh, wiping my hand off, and still talking she smiles naughtily at me and sips more champagne. I keep studying her face, bored by how beautiful it is, flawless really, and I think to myself how strange it is that Evelyn has pulled me through so much; how she’s always been there when I needed her most. I look back at the plate, thoroughly unhungry, pick up my fork, study the plate hard for a minute or two, whimper to myself before sighing and putting the fork down. I pick up my champagne glass instead.

“… Groton, Lawrenceville, Milton, Exeter, Kent, Saint Paul’s, Hotchkiss, Andover, Milton, Choate … oops, already said Milton …”

“If I’m not eating this tonight, and I’m not, I want some cocaine,” I announce. But I haven’t interrupted Evelyn—she’s unstoppable, a machine—and she continues talking.

“Jayne Simpson’s wedding was so beautiful,” she sighs. “And the reception afterwards was wild. Club Chernoble, covered by Page Six. Billy covered it.
WWD
did a layout.”

“I heard there was a two-drink minimum,” I say warily, signaling for a nearby busboy to remove my plate.

“Weddings are
so
romantic. She had a diamond engagement ring. You
know
, Patrick, I
won’t
settle for less,” she says coyly. “It
has
to be diamond.” Her eyes glaze over and she tries to recount the wedding in mind-numbing detail. “It was a sit-down dinner for five hundred … no, excuse me, seven hundred and fifty, followed by a sixteen-foot tiered Ben and Jerry’s ice cream cake. The gown was by Ralph and it was white lace and low-cut and sleeveless. It was darling. Oh Patrick, what would
you
wear?” she sighs.

“I would demand to wear Ray-Ban sunglasses. Expensive Ray-Bans,” I say carefully. “In fact I would demand that everyone would have to wear Ray-Ban sunglasses.”

“I’d want a zydeco band, Patrick. That’s what I’d want. A zydeco band,” she gushes breathlessly. “Or mariachi. Or reggae. Something ethnic to shock Daddy. Oh I
can’t
decide.”

“I’d want to bring a Harrison AK-47 assault rifle to the ceremony,” I say, bored, in a rush, “with a thirty-round magazine so after thoroughly blowing your fat mother’s head off with it I could use it on that fag brother of yours. And though personally I don’t like to use anything the Soviets designed, I don’t know, the Harrison somehow reminds me of …” Stopping, confused, inspecting yesterday’s manicure, I look back at Evelyn. “Stoli?”

“Oh, and lots of chocolate truffles.
Godiva.
And oysters. Oysters on the
half
shell. Marzipan. Pink
tents.
Hundreds,
thousands
of roses. Photographers. Annie Leibovitz. We’ll get
Annie Leibovitz
,” she says excitedly. “
And
we’ll hire someone to
videotape
it!”

“Or an AR-15. You’d like it, Evelyn: it’s the most expensive of guns, but worth every penny.” I wink at her. But she’s still talking; she doesn’t hear a word; nothing registers. She does not fully grasp
a word
I’m saying. My essence is eluding her. She stops her onslaught and breathes in and looks at me in a way that can only be described as dewy-eyed. Touching my hand, my Rolex, she breathes in once more, this time expectantly, and says, “We should do it.”

I’m trying to catch a glimpse of our hardbody waitress; she’s bending over to pick up a dropped napkin. Without looking back at Evelyn, I ask, “Do … what?”

“Get married,” she says, blinking. “Have a wedding.”

“Evelyn?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Is your kir … spiked?” I ask.

“We should do it,” she says softly. “Patrick …”

“Are you proposing
to me
?” I laugh, trying to fathom this reasoning. I take the champagne glass away from her and sniff its rim.

“
Pat
rick?” she asks, waiting for my answer.

“Jeez, Evelyn,” I say, stuck. “I don’t know.”

“Why
not
?” she asks petulantly. “Give me
one
good reason we shouldn’t.”

“Because trying to fuck you is like trying to French-kiss a very … small and … lively gerbil?” I tell her. “I don’t know.”