America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 4: Demilitarized Zone (13 page)

“Of course we are,” replied the camera
spider. “You ordered this be broadcast live, planet-wide.”

“Well?” asked Corporal Williams. “Are you
willing to be reasonable? If we expect others to find common
ground, we must be willing to do the same in our personal
dealings.”

“Your Excellency, you are a hard bargainer,”
groused the spider commander. “Fine! I will lower prices.”

“And, we need the New Mississippi River
stocked with more catfish,” said Corporal Williams. “Lately the
fishing sucks.”

“The New Mississippi River is outside of my
sector of responsibility, but I will look into the matter for you,”
said the spider commander.
What are catfish?
he thought to
himself. “We need to establish firm borders across the New Gobi
Desert to reduce confrontations between colonists and our
military.”

“Good idea,” said Corporal Williams. “Do it.
String lots of fence wire. Next issue?”

“Terrorists are becoming a problem again,”
said the spider commander. “Someone is supplying them
landmines.”

“Kill the terrorists. That’s what the Legion
does,” suggested Corporal Williams. “And reduce your indiscriminate
use of landmines. Poor security allows the terrorists to dig up or
steal landmines and use them against us.”

“Kill the terrorists! That is exactly what I
told the governor needed to be done,” commented the spider
commander. “I like your attitude. Moving on, can you give me an
update on our extradition request for most-wanted fugitive Raul
Miranda?”

“We had him in custody,” said Corporal
Williams. “Czerinski ordered Miranda delivered to you, but the
terrorist escaped. A legionnaire was seriously injured. We are
hunting for Miranda and will shoot him on sight.”

“That about resolves the major issues for
now,” announced the spider commander, speaking to the cameras. “I
appreciate General Kalipetsis finally sending a reasonable
ambassador I can work with. Someone who can get things done.”

“What about the expansion of cable TV across
the MDL into United States Galactic Federation territory?” asked
one of the reporters. “Cable is so superior to satellite TV.”

“First of all, I reject your premise of
superiority,” said Corporal Williams, visibly upset. “Everyone
knows friends do not let friends watch cable. We will go to war
before allowing your cable rot to extend its tentacles across the
MDL.”

“We can table that issue,” suggested the
spider commander, wanting to calm down Ambassador Williams. “Let us
agree to disagree.”

“But your stubborn boneheaded position is so
irrational,” argued the reporter. “And Fox News Network is neither
fair nor impartial.”

“What?” said Corporal Williams, reaching for
his pistol but only finding the pockets of his bathrobe. “You are
lucky to be on this side of the MDL. The Legion throws obnoxious
reporters like you out airlocks.”

“That is more common ground we need to
establish between our two great cultures,” agreed the spider
commander, as he nodded to the Intelligentsia team leader. The
police grabbed the reporter and dragged him from the room, yelling
and thrashing about. As they got to the doorway, the reporter threw
his shoe at Ambassador Williams. Williams ducked and gave the
reporter the one-fingered salute in return.

“Too bad you don’t have airlocks on the
planet’s surface,” commented Corporal Williams.

“I agree,” said the spider commander.
“Negotiations have gone so well, I would like to invite you to a
banquet in your honor tonight to celebrate the historic agreements
reached today.”

“I don’t know,” said Corporal Williams. “I
just want to get out of town alive.”

“We all want to leave the New Gobi,” said the
spider commander. “But we are stuck here. Our sense of duty
requires us to sacrifice and endure this godforsaken place.
Besides, it will be good press. The photo ops will be
invaluable.”

“Will there be more vodka and hookers?” asked
Private Wayne.

“Please excuse my spider liaison officer,”
said Corporal Williams. “I’m putting him into sex and alcohol rehab
as soon as we cross the MDL.”

“No apology is needed,” said the spider
commander. “As I said, good help is hard to find in the Gobi. To
further the spirit of cooperation and co-existence exemplified here
today, I will accommodate your cultural preferences and personally
provide lots of alcohol and hookers for the banquet.”

“We will be there!” said Ambassador
Williams.

* * * * *

The banquet was a grand affair. The
convention center at the New Gobi Plaza Hotel accommodated the
overflow formal-attire crowd. Spider dignitaries flew in on short
notice from all over New Colorado to see and meet Ambassador
Williams. Intently watching the negotiations on cable TV, the
spider public believed they were witnessing a historic moment for
the Empire, New Colorado, and the galaxy.

In honor of their human pestilence guests,
dinner was lavishly catered locally by McDonald’s Restaurant. Vodka
and whiskey were provided by the spider commander. Polite
conversation followed dinner. After the spider commander gave an
eloquent introduction, Ambassador Williams got up to read his
speech. Private Wayne had written most of it, and Williams planned
to add commentary. They hoped to dazzle the spiders long enough to
get through the evening and escape. TV cameras and substantial
press coverage recorded what most hoped would be history in the
making.

“My fellow Americans,” read Corporal Williams
from a prepared text. He frowned at the audience and added, “And my
fellow spiders. It is our job as leaders to do what is right, no
matter what the consequences. The will of God eventually prevails,
so we had better do our damned best to do right, or else in the end
we will be rightfully struck down by the hand of God. It don’t pay
to be on the wrong side of God. I had a cousin in Tennessee who was
struck by lightning three times, and let me tell you, he was a
sinner.

“Anyway,” continued Corporal Williams,
realizing he had got off track, “as leaders, we need to strive to
control events for the public good, rather than merely letting
events control us. I believe God intends humanity and spiders to
join together to forge a New Galactic World Order. Why else had God
seen fit to put us both on the same miserable planet? Nowhere else
in the galaxy do two sentient species share a planet.

“Have there been great conflicts and hardship
between us? Yes, you know that is true. But hardship and struggle
make us stronger. Our shared struggles and hardship bond us
together into one common history and, eventually, one common
culture. The melting pot that is New Colorado will prevail. We are
not perfect, but we are called to a perfect mission. If I am killed
today, do not let my death stop this sacred effort. Let every drop
of my blood spilled nurture the bond shared between our two great
cultures.

“The work we started today still needs to be
finished. Our goal of a just and long-lasting peace among ourselves
and among all nations is within our grasp. Seize it!”

I watched Williams’ speech on TV, as did
General Kalipetsis, Congress, and most of the known galaxy. I
thought is was a great speech. I did not know Williams had it in
him. However, the intent and meaning of the speech was lost in
translation for the spiders. The spiders watching thought Williams
was inviting the Arthropodan Empire to surrender to human
pestilence domination. The mere mention of a New World Order set
off the conspiracy theorists and caused rioting in the streets.
There was no applause when Williams concluded his speech. Instead,
Ambassador Williams and his bodyguards were escorted to the MDL,
and unceremoniously shoved across the border.

* * * * *

General Kalipetsis made a special trip to New
Gobi for a secret award ceremony and debriefing of the returned
legionnaires. Corporal Tonelli, Corporal Williams, Private Wayne,
and Private Camacho were awarded the Military Governor’s Citation
of Merit. Williams was promoted to Sergeant. General Kalipetsis
personally pinned on Williams’ new stripes.

“I hope you all understand that public
acknowledgement of your exploits and top-secret mission would
jeopardize ongoing peace treaty negotiations,” said General
Kalipetsis. “Most of you are already highly decorated combat
veterans. I only hope this small token of my appreciation of your
valor compensates you somewhat.”

“Thank you, sir,” said Sergeant Williams.
“Sergeant is the highest rank ever for a Williams, although I claim
Sergeant York of Pall Mall, Tennessee, as kin too.”

“Sergeant York?” asked General
Kalipetsis.

“Alvin York,” said Sergeant Williams,
proudly. “Alvin was the most decorated United States soldier during
World War I. He married Gracie Williams, my great, great, great,
great aunt.”

“I see,” said General Kalipetsis. “I am glad
to hear you are carrying on your family’s fine tradition of service
to your country.”

“Yes, sir,” said Sergeant Williams. “Between
the preachers and the soldiers in my family, we have all the bases
covered. I’m sure lots of us got into Heaven, and hopefully still
more will, too.”

General Kalipetsis departed as abruptly as he
entered, leaving me to address the men. “You all have a week off
for leave,” I said. “Don’t get into any more trouble.
Dismissed!”

Because of Sergeant Williams’ newfound
notoriety caused by his intergalactic speech, the Legion had to
hide him from the press. On my recommendation, Sergeant Williams
was transferred to a weather station at the South Pole.

Back to Table of Contents

Chapter 12

A confident young female legionnaire entered
my office and saluted. “Sir, my name is Lieutenant Priscilla Percy.
I am a Legion mental health professional sent by General Kalipetsis
to talk to you.”

“I don’t need a shrink,” I replied. “I’m fine
most of the time.”

“General Kalipetsis thinks that the stress of
command may have caught up with you,” advised Lieutenant Percy.
“How do you handle stress?”

“Usually I just sit in the dark, grinding my
teeth and rocking back and forth,” I said. “Sometimes I chant all
night, watching porn.”

“Your crude and irreverent comments do not
faze me in the least,” said Lieutenant Percy. “I am told you drink
to excess and have an anger management problem. Is that true?”

“Probably,” I answered. “But that doesn’t
mean I am crazy. I like to drink and unwind at the Angry Onion
Tavern. Did you know I am part-owner of a new tavern called the
Blind Tiger? The grand opening will be any day now. You’re invited.
You can join me for a drink and observe first-hand whether I have a
drinking problem or am crazy.”

“No one thinks you are crazy,” assured
Lieutenant Percy. “The first step toward confronting a problem is
to admit you have a problem. Being that you have already
acknowledged your drinking problem, I think we are already making
excellent progress.”

“I also gamble too much,” I added. “So what?
Did you know that besides owning a bar, I am a millionaire?”

“These bad habits are just symptoms of
stress,” said Lieutenant Percy. “You need to find other ways to
channel your tension.”

“I am trying,” I said. “But you keep turning
me down. I don’t want to go blind.”

“Do you have any hobbies?” asked Lieutenant
Percy. “Something like tennis?”

“This is not a fancy country club,” I said.
“This is the DMZ, and I am in the Foreign Legion. I’m happy just
staying alive for another day.”

“These are relatively peaceful times. You
have more than enough time to find a hobby or something
constructive to do with your off-duty time. Have you ever
considered golf? It is very relaxing.”

“Whatever.”

“Do you go to church?” asked Lieutenant
Percy.

“I used to,” I answered. “But the spiders
blew it up. Tough luck. Pastor Jim is rebuilding.”

“Does your faith help you to deal with the
pressures of command?”

“Not likely. I would rather sleep on Sundays,
especially when I’m hung-over.”

“Are you in a relationship?” asked Lieutenant
Percy, continuing to jot down notes. “Is there anyone special in
your life?”

“I thought you were here to talk about
stress,” I said, shifting uncomfortably in my chair.

“How is your sex life?” asked Lieutenant
Percy.

“I am currently between relationships,” I
said. “Are you interested in helping me in that regard,
Priscilla?”

“I am not just being nosey,” said Lieutenant
Percy. “There are clinical reasons for my questions. When is the
last time you had sex?”

“That is none of your business,” I said. “You
can go tell General Kalipetsis that I do not appreciate this prying
into my private life.”

“Sexual issues may be contributing to your
stress and overall unhealthy mental state,” commented Lieutenant
Percy. “General Kalipetsis assured me you are one of his best
commanders and would cooperate fully in your rehabilitation. Do I
need to call General Kalipetsis and tell him you are resisting
therapy?”

“No, Lieutenant Percy,” I said. “That will
not be necessary. We can resolve these matters before you
leave.”

“Good,” said Lieutenant Percy, making a note.
“You admit you are under a great deal of stress. I can help you
manage that stress. Together we will confront the sources of your
destructive behavior and treat the symptoms.”

“You are writing things down to put into my
personnel file?” I asked. “If so, I refuse to say anything
more.”

“Nothing said here will go into your
personnel file,” assured Lieutenant Percy. “This is just between
you and me. Notes help me organize my thoughts. I am only here to
help.”