America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 4: Demilitarized Zone (12 page)

“Will that be spider or human pestilence
hookers?” asked the night clerk. “There will be an extra charge for
human pestilence hookers on this side of the MDL this late in the
evening.”

“Both,” replied Private Wayne. “And make sure
they are medically licensed and inspected. I am sick and tired of
lichen growing on my exoskeleton.”

“Yes, sir,” said the night clerk. “Will there
be anything more?”

“Yes,” said Private Wayne. “There is nothing
to drink in the refrigerator. How do you expect the ambassador to
conduct sensitive diplomatic negotiations without alcohol? Send up
vodka as soon as possible – or else!”

Guido snatched the phone away from Private
Wayne. “Send up a roll of duct tape,” ordered Guido.

“Sir, we do not allow our ladies to be
duct-taped,” advised the night clerk, a bit annoyed.

“It’s not for them, you idiot!” said Guido.
“I’ll use it on your mouth if you ever talk back to me like that
again!”

“Yes, sir,” said the night clerk. “Duct tape.
Right away, sir.”

“What do you need duct tape for?” asked
Corporal Williams, as he turned on the TV.

“To tape grenades to the ceiling to blow a
hole to the roof,” explained Guido. “Unlike some legionnaires here,
I am focused on accomplishing our mission!”

Arthropodan World News Tonight was on TV. “In
a late-breaking story, United States Galactic Federation Ambassador
Williams arrived tonight at the New Gobi Plaza Hotel for
face-to-face peace negotiations. As our viewers are well aware,
there are still sporadic reports of skirmishes across the MDL. Just
today a marine patrol came under heavy fire from the human
pestilence side of the MDL after finding a breach in the border
fence west of town.”

“The real ambassador is here?” asked Corporal
Williams. “And his name is Williams, too?”

“Were you born that stupid, or did you get
hit in the head?” asked Guido. “They’re talking about us!”

“Do they know we sent out for hookers?” asked
Corporal Williams, uneasily. “What if my girlfriend finds out?”

“Your girlfriend watches Arthropodan Cable TV
News?” asked Private Wayne.

“Probably,” said Corporal Williams. “I think
she does. She is going to kill me.”

“Why is it taking so long for room service?”
asked Private Wayne. “You are right. This place is a real
dump.”

“What do we do now?” asked Corporal Williams.
“What if the spider commander or the police show up?”

“I know what I am going to do,” said Private
Wayne, picking up the phone. “I am going to complain to the manager
about their slow room service.”

“After we blow a hole in the roof and rescue
Spot, we will immediately get out of here,” said Guido. “It’s a
simple plan, but it will work.”

“Leave before the hookers and vodka arrive?”
asked Private Wayne. “No way! I want my money’s worth.”

“We should just dig through the ceiling with
our combat knives,” suggested Corporal Williams, poking at the
ceiling. “It will make less noise.”

A short time later, the bellhop arrived with
duct tape and vodka. Guido taped three grenades to the ceiling.
Corporal Williams turned the volume up on the TV, hoping to cover
up the sound of the explosions. Guido pulled the pins, and they
took cover in the shower. The explosions punched a hole in the
ceiling and started a small fire. Smoke and dust filled the air as
debris dropped down. Corporal Williams called room service,
requesting a fire extinguisher be brought up with the hookers.

Guido raised himself up through the hole and
onto the roof. Spot was gone. Guido looked over the ledge down to
the swimming pool. Spot was swimming circles in the water. He had a
spider leg in his mouth that trailed blood as he swam.

“Spot!” Guido called out. “Up here!”

Spot looked up. He dropped the leg and raced
straight up the side of the hotel façade and into Guido’s arms. In
his exuberance, the happy dragon knocked Guido over, licking his
face with his forked tongue. Guido led Spot down through the hole
to their suite. The phone was ringing and someone was knocking at
the door.

“Who is it?” asked Guido, peeking through the
door eyehole. “Do you have our steaks yet?”

“Room service,” said the bellhop. “I have
your fire extinguisher. Is everything all right? We heard an
explosion.”

“Where are the hookers?” shouted Private
Wayne.

“Who else is with you?” asked Guido.

“The hotel manager. Is everything
satisfactory for His Excellency?” asked the hotel manager.

“No!” said Private Wayne as he opened the
door and grabbed the fire extinguisher. “We want a new room. This
one is a dump! It is totally unacceptable for the ambassador to
stay in a dump like this. Are you purposely trying to provoke an
intergalactic incident by putting us in the worst room in your
hotel?”

“I am very sorry your room is
unsatisfactory,” said the manager. “I will personally see to it you
get a new suite.”

“I want two joined suites on the first
floor,” said Guido.

“I am sorry, sir, but our suites do not
interconnect,” said the manager.

“Just make sure the rooms are next to each
other,” said Guido. “I’ll connect the suites myself. Seems like I
have to do everything myself these days. Where are my steaks?”

“And where are the hookers and vodka?” asked
Private Wayne, losing his patience. “How does the Plaza expect to
stay in business with service this slow?”

The smoke detector went off. The fire was
getting larger, and the smoke thicker. Guido slammed the door and
sprayed the fire with powder from the fire extinguisher. The hotel
manager knocked on the door again. Spot let out a growl. Guido
opened the door again, this time keeping the chain hooked.

“What now?” asked Guido.

“Sir, I have to add a damage deposit to your
bill for the dragon,” said the manager. “Normally we do not allow
dragons on the hotel premises. I assume your dragon is here as part
of security arrangements for the ambassador?”

“You assume right,” said Guido, slamming the
door again.

The sprinkler system activated because the
fire was still spreading. When the bellhop knocked on the door
again to announce that their new suites were ready, the nervous
legionnaires left quickly. The bellhop glanced inside as the
legionnaires streamed out.

“The place is falling apart,” explained
Guido. “I blame it on poor construction workmanship and your lax
spider building codes.”

“Yes, sir,” said the bellhop, accepting a
large tip and leading them downstairs to their new suites. He
opened the doors. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Yes,” said Guido, handing the bellhop more
cash. “The ambassador likes to swim late at night, but has privacy
concerns. Close the pool and make sure it gets a good cleaning
first. Earlier when I inspected your pool, I saw some nasty
floaters in the water.”

“Yes, sir,” said the bellhop, pocketing
another tip. “I will personally look into it and close the pool.
Anything else, sir?”

“Send some marijuana up with the vodka,” said
Private Wayne. “Make sure it’s good stuff. I do not want stems and
seeds like I got last time.”

“Sir, marijuana is illegal throughout the
Empire,” said the bellhop. “We execute drug dealers. I believe
marijuana is even illegal among your human pestilence
associates.”

“Quite right,” said Private Wayne. “Sorry, I
forgot. This conversation never happened. Are you wearing a wire?
Give the fool another tip.”

Outside, a fire alarm claxon sounded, and the
sirens of fire trucks could be heard getting closer. Soon there was
a loud knock at the door.

“Who is it?” asked Guido.

“It had better be room service with hookers
and booze,” warned Private Wayne.

“Intelligentsia State Security,” announced
the team leader outside. “Open this door at once. I want to talk to
the ambassador.”

“It’s the cops,” said Corporal Williams.
“Don’t open the door! Act normal!”

“It’s about time you got here,” said Guido,
speaking through the door. “I want around-the-clock security posted
outside this suite, and armed roving patrols on the grounds.”

“Open the door!” ordered the
Intelligentsia.

“Don’t let the pigs in!” warned Private
Wayne.

“Make them read us our rights,” suggested
Corporal Williams.

“The ambassador has retired for the evening,”
advised Guido through the door. “Go away! He will talk to you
tomorrow!”

“Open this door, or I will break it down!”
threatened the Intelligentsia.

Private Wayne opened the door and shoved the
Intelligentsia team leader back into the other officers. “How dare
you attempt to interrupt the much-needed sleep of the ambassador!
Others have been executed for less. What makes you so special?”

“Who are you?” asked the Intelligentsia team
leader, eyeing the big spider suspiciously. “I thought only
traitorous Green spiders joined the human pestilence Foreign
Legion.”

“I am a special liaison to the ambassador,”
said Private Wayne. “You will keep a civil tone to your hiss, or I
will report you to the Governor of the North Territory. The
governor is a personal friend of mine.”

“No harm was intended,” said the
Intelligentsia team leader. “May I see your diplomatic
credentials?”

“Credentials? We don’t need no stinking
credentials,” said Private Wayne, slamming the door shut. He turned
to the others and mumbled, “We might have a problem.”

“I am authorized to use force if you refuse
to open this door and cooperate fully with my investigation,” said
the Intelligentsia team leader, pounding on the door louder. “You
will explain yourselves and the damage upstairs.”

“Your threats are not conducive to our
diplomatic efforts,” said Guido, as he opened the door again. “As
long as the ambassador is staying in this suite, these premises are
elevated to embassy status. That means an invasion of this suite is
considered the same as any other invasion of the MDL. The
ambassador is not required to explain to the likes of you or any
other spider flatfoot what occurs on United States Galactic
Federation territory. Do I make myself clear?”

“No,” said the Intelligentsia team leader.
“You blew a hole in the roof, the top of the hotel is on fire, and
your dragon is suspected of eating tourists in the pool.”

“Tourists? What do I care of tourists?” asked
Guido. “Do not bother us with your tedious local problems, again.
The ambassador is here to negotiate a peace treaty and to avert an
intergalactic nuclear war. Does the governor know you are here
harassing us and disturbing the peace? Get the governor on the
phone right now!”

“This is highly irregular,” said the
Intelligentsia team leader meekly. “But in the interests of
intergalactic peace, I guess some leeway can be given.”

Room service arrived with carts of booze,
followed by a gaggle of hookers. Guido handed each officer a bottle
of booze in appreciation of their cooperation. The paparazzi
snapped off pictures as Guido waved and smiled for the press, and
the entire diplomatic coup was filmed for Arthropodan Cable TV
World News Tonight. Guido announced that Ambassador Williams would
be available for a formal press conference in the morning.

* * * * *

The spider commander arrived with the press
at noon the next day to meet with Ambassador Williams. Corporal
Williams, wearing only a complimentary hotel bathrobe, greeted them
at the door. The spider commander and his bodyguards barged into
the suite, followed by the Intelligentsia Security Police, and a
cable TV news crew.

“I am here to begin negotiations,” announced
the spider commander. “You are His Excellency?”

“Yes,” said Corporal Williams, extending a
hand to shake. “Please excuse my informal attire. I sent my laundry
out, and my suits have not been returned. The service at this hotel
is awful.”

“Finding good help in New Gobi is always
difficult,” commiserated the spider commander. He vigorously shook
Williams’ hand. “How shall we resolve our differences and avert
another war?”

“The Legion will stop shooting if you stop
shooting,” suggested Corporal Williams.

“Agreed,” said the spider commander, turning
to face a cable TV camera. “See? It is not that hard to find common
ground once you start talking face-to-face.”

“Great!” said Corporal Williams, rising from
his chair. “Our work is done. I’m going home.”

“Wait!” said the spider commander. “There are
other issues to be discussed.”

“There always are,” said Corporal Williams.
“Minor details can be negotiated by our aides. They can write up a
formal agreement for us to sign later.”

“No,” said the spider commander. “Some
details cannot wait. Colonel Czerinski has repeatedly tried to
assassinate me. I want something done about Czerinski.”

“Czerinski? That asshole?” asked Corporal
Williams. “Don’t worry about Czerinski. With just a phone call I’ll
transfer Czerinski to guard duty at the South Pole. He’ll be
counting penguins all day. Can we go home now?”

“Ambassador Williams, you are my kind of
diplomat,” replied the spider commander. “If you had been sent here
a long time ago, we could have avoided all this trouble from the
start.”

“Call me Your Excellency,” insisted Corporal
Williams.

“I sincerely believe we can do business, Your
Excellency,” said the spider commander. “Can I count on you as a
friend? You would be my first human pestilence friend.”

“All this talk of doing business reminds me,”
said Corporal Williams. “You are manufacturing moonshine and
selling it to the Angry Onion Tavern at too high a price. If you
want to continue your monopoly, you will have to be more reasonable
about what you charge.”

“I see you have been well briefed on local
issues,” replied the spider commander, turning to the TV camera and
putting a claw over the lens. “I want that edited out! We are not
broadcasting live are we?”