Amongst The Flames: A Contemporary Christian Romance (Embers and Ashes Book 1) (9 page)

“Is this because of Amanda’s divorce? Is she filling your head with a bunch of stupid ideas?” I questioned.

“What?” she snapped at me. “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, Cole… Amanda has nothing to do with it. If anything, I influenced her.”

My heart felt like it stopped in my chest. This woman, this life, it was just one big illusion and I was just some kind of puppet in the mix. My clenched throat made it hard for me to speak more than a few more words, so I said, “I gotta go.” And I hung up the video call immediately.

Digging my face into my one good palm, I ran my fingers through my hair and dropped to my knees on my living room floor. Crying out to the Lord, I prayed that he’d help me in my moment of need. I pleaded for him to take the pain away that was burrowing itself into my chest and into my life. My breaths became short and rapid as fear dug its claws into the fiber of my being. Like being trapped inside a burning house, the flames were growing all around me and I was in need of being saved.

D
ays turned into weeks, and I kept myself shut up in my house. I wasn’t shaving, showering or doing much of anything other than wallowing in my misery. My showers were only so the nurses and doctors at Turning Point wouldn’t become concerned. I did my physical therapy and grocery shopping all within a three hour period of time to avoid going out more than absolutely needed. I became so depressed I even stapled shut the curtains in my bedroom to keep that sliver of light from shining in. I felt like the outside world was taunting me with the glimmering light from outside.

One morning I was searching in the fridge for something to eat when a knock came from the front door. Looking past the open refrigerator door, I pondered who that could be.

Shutting the fridge, I closed my robe up and tied it as I headed across the hardwood floor to go answer it. Another knock came, this time it was louder. “I’m coming! I’m coming!” I shouted as I grabbed for the door.

It was Micah. Popping my head out, I squinted from the sun that was glaring into my eyeballs, causing a headache to immediately form behind them. “What do you need?” I asked, cupping my eyes from the sun.

“What do I need? We’re friends, I’m worried about you. Can I come in?” He asked.

“Sure,” I replied, opening the door for him to come in.

As he walked into my living room, I saw his eyes scan the room and widen. Chinese takeout boxes littered the coffee table, pizza boxes were stacked over on the counter and a tower of soda cans were next to the couch. Looking at him, I said, “I didn’t know I was having company or I would have cleaned up a little…”

“Taylor… this isn’t like you, Brother.”

I nodded as I collapsed into my recliner and kicked up my feet. “Megan’s gone, man… she isn’t coming back.”

Micah pushed over an empty pizza box on the couch and took a seat as he shook his head. “I heard something about that… The rookie heard the chief and Tom talking the other day and blabbed about it.”

“That kid needs to learn his place,” I replied sternly as I shook my head.

“The rookie isn’t your concern. You need to get mentally ready. You are coming back to work soon and need to have your A-game!” Micah said.

Shaking my head, I replied, “Guess the rookie didn’t hear the chief and Tom talk about how I’m not allowed to come back there.”

“Oh, you haven’t heard?” Micah asked.

I shook my head. “What?”

“Chief shut him down on canning you. Guess there’s some red tape even Tom can’t cross. You’re on medical leave right now, and if you got canned they could have a lawsuit on their hands.”

I smiled out of the corner of my lips as I sat up in my recliner. “Really?”

“Yeah, Tom was gunning pretty hard for you to get removed from the roster. He even went as far as telling us all how he was going to get you fired.”

“He’s such a jerk!” I said softly as I shook my head.

“Sounds like you were pretty rude to him at his house,” Micah replied.

“He deserved it. He was flipping out and trying to tell me about how God designed marriage when it was his brat of a daughter that left me!”

“I talk to you about God all the time.”

“Yeah, but you walk it… Tom doesn’t, he just talks it.”

Micah nodded. “True. But I’m flawed also. Don’t think I’m perfect Brother, because I’m far from it.”

“I know, but it’s different with Tom.”

“I understand.” Micah turned and grabbed his Bible off the couch.

I sighed. “What’s going on?” I asked. “I didn’t even notice you bring that in.”

“Have you been in your Word about these problems you’ve been having? Talking to God about it through prayer?”

“I’ve been lying on that couch you’re sitting on and just trying to relax. I have a lot going on, Freeman. I can’t just sit around and read my Bible.”

Micah smiled. “A lot going on? You ain’t got nothing going on, Boy!” He retorted. “I love you, Brother, and this is all coming from a place of love. You’re a Christian,” he said, placing a finger against his chest as he continued, “Just like me.”

“I know. And just so you know, I made God aware of my situation after I talked to Megan. I was on my knees and the whole nine yards… So the big guy knows what’s up.” I flashed him a funny look. “Wait, why you talking about love? Don’t be getting all soft on me now, Micah,” I replied, as I sat up more in my recliner.

“Our hearts have the Holy Spirit of God dwelling inside of them. We have to allow His love to rule our lives.”

“I’m not one for the mushy stuff,” I replied.

“Jesus wept, man. And just like Jesus loving the church, we as men love their wives the same way.” Micah scooted to the edge of the couch as he continued. “He was hanging on a cross and asked God to forgive the people down below his feet that were literally killing him! The church he loved!”

“Okay,” I replied respectfully. “I love my wife like crazy, so I don’t get the point you’re trying to make here.”

“How do you love your wife like crazy?” he asked, placing a hand on his knee.

“How? Um…” I pondered for a moment. “I work hard and provide for my family.”

“And those are good things, but what else?” Micah paused for a moment. “How do you make your wife feel loved?”

I took a long moment to think, but felt uncomfortable with Micah’s question. “I think you better get going,” I said as I stood up.

Micah nodded as he stood up and patted me on the shoulder. “God-sized love requires Him. That’s the type of love that’s going to get your wife back home.”

My respect for Micah was astronomical and kept me from getting too upset with his words with me. I ushered him towards the door quickly. “Okay. Well, thanks, but I got this handled and I do rely on God.”

He nodded as we walked over to the door. “I worry about you. And, Cole…”

“Yeah?”

“Try to think about her side of the spectrum.” He looked back over across the living room. “Don’t sit here and throw yourself a pity party because you’re so focused on yourself. Remember, I say these things from a place of love. I’ve been your friend for a long time and I know how much Megan means to you.”

I nodded. “Thanks, Freeman.” Shutting the door, I turned around to the living room and it was the first time since that phone call with Megan that I really saw the condition I was in. I was a wreck. So focused on myself, I wasn’t able to see Megan or her pain. Suddenly I felt an extreme need to call her and talk to her. I wanted to figure this thing out. Picking up the phone, I called.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Hey, what are you and the boys doing?” I asked.

She was silent for a moment and then the sound of a door shut behind her. “Hey, sorry… what did you say?” she asked.

“The boys. You. What are you all doing?”

“The boys are home, I mean Amanda’s. And I’m out with… a friend at lunch.”

“Oh,” I replied. Immediately I became worried.

“I’ll have the boys call you tonight, okay?” she said.

“Okay.”

Hanging up the phone, my mind began racing. A friend? In Seattle? She didn’t know people there, so who was she talking about? Did she meet some guy already? And she said home instead of Amanda’s... These were not good signs.

Turning my attention back to my trashed house, I began cleaning to keep myself distracted from the thoughts lurking in my mind. Having only one arm to use while I cleaned made the housework a rather grueling task. As I finished taking the last couple of pizza boxes out to the garbage can, I saw it was almost one in the afternoon already. I’m going to be late for my appointment, I thought to myself as I hurried up the steps to the shower.

As I got undressed, I slipped on the bathroom rug and caught myself on the counter with my bad arm, but surprisingly it didn’t hurt. Wow, that’s strange, I thought to myself, looking in the mirror as I stood up. Pulling my arm out of the sling, I stretched it out and turned my wrist. It felt amazing, even compared to only last week.

Getting showered and dressed, I slipped my arm back into the sling and headed out the door to Turning Point.

Doctor Callan walked into the exam room with my chart in hand. She came over to the bed where I was sitting and began thumbing through the papers on the clipboard. She asked, “How’s everything going, Mr. Taylor?”

“I don’t feel pain in my arm!” I replied with a grin.

She set the clipboard with my chart down on the bed and said, “Oh yeah? You did seem a bit chipper today when you walked in.” She lifted my arm and brought it out of the sling.

“I am. This means I can get back to work now!”

“We need to do some exercises to make sure you’re all healed up first.” She lifted my arm out in front of me and asked, “Hold it there and tell me if you feel any pain.”

Holding out my arm, my excitement soared. I was thrilled as I watched my arm stay up in the air like it could not do for so long. Then she said, “Go ahead and relax.” I let my arm fall back to my side. “These muscles will need to be worked nice and slowly in order to build the strength up you once had.”

“Yeah, my whole body feels a bit out of shape… That’s no problem though. I’ll be back in shape in little to no time once I get going. So I can head back to work, right Doc?”

“That’s what happens when you get hurt like you did. It’s all part of the process of a full recovery. Be patient, Cole, we need to do a few more tests,” she said. After going through the additional tests that checked on key muscle developments, she was glad to write me a release to go back to work. She warned as she wrote my release, “Be careful, you can easily re-injure yourself and end up needing another surgery. I see it all the time.”

I leaped off the bed and embraced her with a hug. She began laughing. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m just excited to go back to work. And if you’re wondering about my happiness levels still, it’s pretty high right now!”

She grinned. “I know you’re excited; just be careful.”

Unable to contain my excitement, I called Megan on the way out of the doctor’s office. I knew she’d be happy for me to get back to work. She ignored my call, then sent a text saying she’d call me later in the evening with the boys like she said earlier on the phone.

M
egan never called that evening, so I called her the next day. This time in the morning in the hopes of catching her before her day began.

“I’m kind of busy right now,” Megan said answering her phone. Her tone set the mood to a dismal one. Glancing at my freed arm, I elected not to give her the good news.

“Oh, well you never called last night.”

“We’re going to be late to church if we don’t leave, Cole. I gotta go.”

“Can you please follow through and call back this time?” I asked.

“I will,” she replied. “Last night got crazy and then they were all doing this big-” she began to say, but I interrupted her because I could care less about the excuses and reasons she had for not calling.

“Thank you,” I replied quickly and hung up. That woman was obtuse to the fact she hurt me by the continual excuses and reasoning why our boys weren’t talking to their father.

My heart longed for my boys more than ever, and I missed them like crazy. I went in their bedroom and sat there looking at a few of their toys. Closing my eyes, I imagined them there playing and even screaming. I smiled as I reminisced about the things that once annoyed me.

Megan didn’t care about how I felt or what was going on this side of reality. She didn’t understand nor care about anything other than herself and what was going on in her own world. And to think I once thought she was perfect. She was nothing but a selfish and inconsiderate brat who wooed me with her eyes and body when I was a kid.

I hated what the separation was creating inside of me. Layer by layer, moment by moment my reality was being stripped away and discarded like a banana peel.

Leaving the boys’ room, I walked into my bedroom and glanced over at the clock on the night stand. I thought for a moment about getting ready and going to church, but then I pushed the thought away. I told myself that I needed to relax and I was in no shape spiritually to go to church.

Later that day, after a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with chips, I was on my way from the kitchen to the stairs when suddenly I sneezed. Catching my sneeze in my hands, I opened my eyes and a Bible caught my attention over on the bookcase. Glancing up at the ceiling, as if God sent the sneeze, a grin came out of the corner of my lip. I looked at the bookcase again. The Bible that caught my eye had been handed down from generation to generation in the Taylor family. It started out as my great grandfather’s Bible, and then it became my grandpa’s, then my dad’s and then four years ago —when my dad passed— it became mine. I had always looked forward to having the Bible on my bookcase some day, but I never contemplated what it would mean to have it.

Noticing the dust that encased all the Bibles that were lined up on the shelf, I felt guilty. Between never reading the Bible, barely going to Church and frequently forgetting to pray, I began to wonder why God would let me into Heaven to be with Him forever when I couldn’t be with Him for a mere five minutes here on earth.

I grabbed that Bible from the bookcase faster than a person on their last breaths grabbing for a life preserver at sea. Making myself comfortable on the couch, I cracked open the dust ridden pages. The Bible flipped open to Proverbs where I found a folded piece of paper from some distant time long ago. The paper had that smell of oldness to it. Kind of like the smell of old letters. Unfolding the paper, I immediately noticed my father’s handwriting. All it said was Proverbs 3:7 – Live by it. Looking up the verse, it read, ‘Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil.’ Was I being wise in my own eyes? Part of me justified my angst towards Megan. She was being horrible! Then, a small and quiet part of me –that abided in the depths of my soul— told me I was wrong.

I felt torn and needed to talk to someone. I knew just the guy to call: Micah. Peering at the clock on my cell phone, I knew he’d be home from church by now. My muscles tensed as I waited for him to pick up. I had pretty much kicked him out of my house the other day at the mention of God. I wasn’t worried he would talk to me. I was worried he’d make me feel stupid about what I said.

“Missed ya at church today, Taylor.” he answered his phone saying.

“Yeah… it just didn’t work out,” I replied. I noticed he had no resentment in his tone. “About yesterday…”

“Forget it. What’s up, Brother?” he asked.

Relief came over me and the building tension inside of me subsided. “I’m doing some reading in my Bible and I came across Proverbs three verse seven.”

“Let me grab my own Bible,” he insisted. Setting his phone down only to return a moment later, I could hear him begin to flip through the pages.

“The Doc cleared me, I’ll be back in action on Monday,” I said as I waited for him to look up the verse.

“That’s great. We’re all excited for you to get back. We need ya out there.”

“It’ll be good to get back.”

“Okay, I found the verse…” he mumbled a little and then read it out loud. “Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil.”

“Yeah, that first half of the verse…”

“What about it?” he asked.

“Well, basically… I felt conviction over it. But I know I’m right about Megan and how what she is doing isn’t right. So does that mean-”

He interrupted me. “Let me stop you right there.”

“Okay.”

“Megan’s actions are not what this verse is speaking about. It’s talking directly to you, Cole. So, if you think you are right and justified in your thinking… You are not letting God be your God.”

“God be my God?” I asked, confused by the statement.

“Yeah, check it out. Let’s say you think you are right about Megan. You just tell yourself definitive statements over and over again about how this isn’t right, that’s wrong, and so on… But you, Cole Taylor, are not seeking God in the process… Are you in the right or the wrong?”

“Well, I don’t need to seek God, because I know I’m right.”

“Wrong. You do need to seek God in EVERYTHING! Not just when you’re searching for a solution to a problem you can’t figure out. Even if you swear you are in the right over a matter, you need God. Every single thing you come across in life should be funneled through God first and foremost. He’s the life source, Brother!” I could hear a smile in his voice and excitement in his tone.

“So I am in the wrong with Megan. Even though she stepped out, took my family-”

He interrupted me again. “You are re-enforcing your own wisdom with what you are saying right now! You gotta stop that backwards thinking and let God be your God! He is in control, Cole, and when you let him rule over your life fully and completely, you will see how much He can do. It’s HE who can make a difference in your marriage, not you.”

“You’re a smart man, Freeman. What you’re saying makes sense. Thank you. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

Micah smiled. “Marriage is just like a fire. Each one is different and when you’re up there amongst the flames and things are heating up, you better have faith in God if you hope to keep the fire under control.”

After hanging up with Micah, I took some more time to continue reading my Bible and praying. Through reading the passage, praying and talk with Micah, God revealed to me that I was in the wrong with Megan. Not that she was right, but I was wrong in how I was handling it through myself instead of God.

Our marriage was perfect from the outside looking in, but it lacked closeness and depth that I never noticed was missing. Recalling Micah yesterday at my house, he asked me what I did to show how I loved Megan. And the truth was I wasn’t doing as much as I could. I was on auto-pilot, just getting by with what little I needed to do.

At the end of that revealing afternoon, I bowed my head and lowered myself to my knees. I recommitted myself to God. Fully and wholeheartedly this time, I surrendered my will to His, once again. Hopefully this time it sticks, I thought as I began to pray.

Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you as a broken and desperate man. My marriage and life thus far has been lacking in ways I had never seen before today. Please help me to have patience, understanding and love for my wife, no matter what circumstances come my and her way. Help me be there for her as much as I can. My flesh is weak, but my spirit is willing.

I pray in Your Name, Amen.

When Megan video-called that evening, my face lit up like a child on Christmas morning as I saw her and the boys. I was overwhelmed with excitement to start repairing the brokenness that I knew existed between not only my wife and I, but between my own children and I.

“Hey babe,” I said.

“Umm… What?” she replied stone-faced.

“Sorry.”

“We’re separated, Cole. You can’t call me babe or say things like that.”

A prick from those familiar thorns of my rose sliced through my heart like a sharpened knife through a freshly cut piece of fruit. I needed to remember she was hurting. It is not easy to walk out on your husband and father of your children. I pushed my own pain to the side and prayed for God to help me in my moment of weakness. “Sorry, can we talk?” I glanced over at the boys as I continued, “Alone?”

“I called to let the boys talk to you. That’s what you said it was about earlier today…” Her words were strained and the bags under her eyes led me to believe she was exhausted.

“Yeah, it was but I got to thinking-”

Interrupting us, Justin and Brad shouted, “Da-da!”

Megan looked to be disinterested in our talk as she eyeballed the boys, so I dropped it for the moment. “Hey boys, whatcha doing?” I asked.

“Um… park and get owie and yogurt,” Justin said.

“You went to the park today Bud?”

Justin showed me his elbow, pushing it up towards the screen. “Owie,” he said, looking at me from behind his elbow.

Megan gently pulled him back from the screen. “He fell off the platform on the playground and hit the bark pretty hard.”

“Ouch!” I replied.

“Yeah… owie,” Justin said as he continued to show me his elbow.

“Wuv you,” Bradley said from beside Justin. He leaned in and pushed by Justin to kiss the screen.

My eyes instantly started to shed a few tears as I saw my two boys missing their dad. “I miss you boys,” I said. Looking over at Megan, I continued, “I miss you Megan. Can’t you just come home? And end this?”

She shook her head. “Cole, you don’t understand…” her words trailed off again, this time I saw her wipe a tear from the corner of her eye.

“I do, though. I’ve been in the wrong with the way I’ve treated you. And for that I’m so… sorry.”

“Why’d you hesitate to say sorry?” she asked.

“It just doesn’t feel like
sorry
is enough…”

She began crying and told the boys, “Go play.” She brought the phone closer to her face as Bradley and Justin went off to join their cousins elsewhere. “Cole… Honestly, I’ve missed you.”

Finally, warmth, I thought to myself. “I’ve missed you so much,” I replied, adjusting in my seat to lean in closer. “Our house isn’t a home without you and the boys in it…  It’s just empty, and so am I.”

“What’s different? You seem… different,” she asked as she searched my eyes.

“I was reading my Bible earlier today and I got real with God and myself. I need Him. We need Him. He needs to be in our life and our marriage in a big way.”