Amos Goes Bananas

Amos Binder was standing in his bathroom as his best friend for life, Duncan—Dunc—Culpepper wrapped the third roll of gauze bandage around his head.

“Ouch! You’ve got it too tight.” Amos tried to get a look at himself in the mirror. “Don’t you think you’re overdoing it a little? I already look like a reject from a bad Egyptian movie.”

Dunc frowned. “Hold still. I’m practicing my half-hitch, four-tail triangular wrap. Lucky for you I just learned it in health class last week.”

“Yeah. Real lucky. Maybe next time I could wind up in traction, and then you could really have fun.”

“The manager at Peterson’s department store said there better not
be
a next time. In fact, he said he never wanted to see you anywhere near the store again.” Dunc tied a double knot on the top of Amos’s head and pulled it tight. “It was all I could do to keep him from calling the police.”

“You didn’t have to tell him I had just come out of brain surgery and the anesthetic hadn’t worn off yet.”

Dunc shrugged. “It was the only thing I could come up with on short notice. Maybe you had a better story for explaining why one side of your face got mashed inside the cash register at the service desk?”

“How about the truth?” Amos pulled the bandage apart near his left eye so he could get a better look at himself. “It’s not a crime for a guy to answer a telephone page. I would have made it, too, if I hadn’t landed on that roller skate when I jumped over the counter. How was I supposed to know that I would slide headfirst into the cashier’s drawer at the exact moment she tried to
close it? It could have happened to anybody.”

Dunc carefully rolled up the unused gauze and put it in the medicine cabinet. “I heard that page, too, remember? They said there was a telephone call for a Mr. Walter Kolwoski.”

“Kolwoski and Binder are very close. They both have ‘i’s in them. Besides, I was expecting a call from Melissa about our field trip to the Monkey Farm tomorrow.”

Amos had decided a long time ago that there was only one girl in the whole world for him. Her name was Melissa Hansen. He was positive that deep down she really loved him, too, but she just hadn’t managed to get around to telling him yet. Every time the telephone rang, he was sure it was her calling to tell him that she had finally come to her senses.

Dunc sighed. “Amos, Melissa doesn’t even know your name. And besides, it’s not a Monkey Farm, it’s called the Center for Understanding Primate Intelligence Development. You know, monkeys reading and counting, that sort of thing. They call it C.U.P.I.D. for short.”

A dreamy, faraway look stole into Amos’s eyes. “A perfect spot for our first rendezvous. You know how it works in the movies, Dunc. Fate throws two people together and bingo—they start looking for a house.”

“Fate isn’t throwing you two together. Mrs. Burnbottom, our science teacher, is. She said we either had to go on the field trip tomorrow or stay at school and write a fifty-page essay on the complete circulatory system of the adult acorn worm.”

“Whatever.” Amos waved his hand. “The point is we’ll be together.”

“Not really. There will be at least a hundred other kids out there, not counting Mrs. Burnbottom.”

“Details.” Amos studied himself in the mirror. “Do you think my face will be normal by tomorrow?”

“No. But I don’t think it will matter much. Mrs. Burnbottom put us all into study groups.” Dunc opened the bathroom door and walked across the hall. “You and I are in the same group … along with Herman Snodgrass and Agnes Dorfmyer.”

Amos’s shoulders slumped. “How could this happen?” He followed Dunc across the
hall. “Maybe I’ll stay at school and write the report.”

“Why?” Dunc sat down at his desk. “I hear this C.U.P.I.D. place is kinda neat. You could be missing out.”

Amos made a face. “Herman Snodgrass eats boogers, and Agnes Dorfmyer, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t volunteer to be within a hundred miles of her if we were the last two people on earth.”

A smile tugged at the side of Dunc’s face. He tried not to let Amos see it. “I heard around school that Agnes really has a thing for you. Tony Davis said that yesterday she chased you all the way down the main hall. He said she would have caught you, but you ducked into the boys’ locker room.”

“I’ve made up my mind. I’m definitely writing the report.”

“But what about Melissa?”

Amos folded his arms. “Nothing you can say will convince me to go now. Melissa’s just going to have to be disappointed.”

Amos slid down in the bus seat. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. I’m beginning to wish I still had those bandages on. Is she still waving?”

Dunc looked back. Agnes Dorfmyer gave him a toothy grin. She was bouncing up and down in the seat and pointing at Amos. “Yeah. I think she wants to talk to you.”

“I may kill you.” Amos sank lower in the seat. “Whatever you promised me—it’s not worth it.”

“I didn’t promise you anything. All I said was that my mom was having a tea for her
garden club on Saturday and that Melissa Hansen and her mother were invited.”

“You’re forgetting the part where you said that if I came with you on this field trip, you’d fix it so I could go to the tea too.”

“Oh, right.”

Amos grabbed his arm. “You
are
going to fix it, aren’t you?”

The bus went through a tall chain-link gate with barbed wire on top and stopped in front of a large brown building. There were several buildings around with people wearing white coats and carrying clipboards walking in and out of them. One was even carrying a monkey with a diaper on.

Dunc sat up to get a better look. “We’re here, Amos.”

Amos pulled one side of his coat over his face. “You go ahead without me. I’ll just sit here and concentrate on being invisible.”

“Binder!”

Amos heard his name and jerked to attention. He looked up into the fiery eyes of Mrs. Burnbottom. She was standing over him glaring and shaking a long, bony finger in his face.

“Straighten up and fly right, Binder.”

“Yes ma’am.” Amos thought about asking her if she really thought it was physically possible for him to do that, but decided that right now might not be the best time.

Mrs. Burnbottom moved to the front. “All right, students, listen up. When we get off the bus, find your study group immediately. Stay with your group until the tour is completed. Do you understand?”

There was a small chorus of “
Yes, Mrs. Burnbottom
.” The aisle started filling with students trying to get off the bus.

“Come on, Amos.” Dunc pulled him to his feet. “It won’t hurt you to take a look around. You might even learn something.”

“I’ve already learned something.”

“What’s that?”

Amos looked out the window. Agnes was still smiling at him, and Herman Snodgrass was standing by the bus with his finger up his nose.

“Never listen to you!”