Amphibian (10 page)

But if humans went extinct, all of the other species on the earth would stay alive and mostly get healthier and increase in number. That's because humans are at the top of the food chain and there is no mammal species on earth that needs humans to survive, except maybe the little dogs that humans have bred to need them. Besides them, the only living things that need humans are the parasites that live only on them, like the crab louse and certain types of viruses, like human chicken pox and tuberculosis. This makes the human relationship with the other species mostly a parasitic one.

What I think is weird is what humans are doing: killing off their hosts. That doesn't make any kind of sense for a parasite.

When I thought of all this, I had to tell my mother. I knew it was a risk but I really needed to share it with someone. Those facts were like a flood in my mind swirling around really fast and I knew that if I told someone about them, that would relieve the pressure. There would still be a flood, but a calmer one.

When I first started telling her, she listened and made jokes about how it would be neat if everyone had their very own oxpecker. But then she started to get a really weird look on her face and by the time I got to the part about humans being parasites, the really weird look turned into her really worried look. And I knew I was in big trouble.

She said, ‘This, Phineas William Walsh, is why you are not watching the Green Channel.'

I said, ‘What do you mean? What did I say that was bad?'

And she said, ‘Phineas, the ideas you see on the Green Channel really worry me. Do you know that some environmentalists actually hope humans go extinct – that we're all wiped out by a virus or a meteor?'

I said, ‘No, I haven't heard that on the Green Channel.'

And she said in a quite loud voice, ‘Well, there are such people! They call themselves the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. I interviewed them once and they're crazy, Phin!' Then my mother got really quiet and said in a very low voice, ‘Phin, human life is very important.'

I said, ‘But I didn't say it wasn't! All I said is the facts! How come nobody wants to know the facts?'

She said, ‘Phin, I know that you're leading up to asking me if you can watch the Green Channel and the answer is no. No, final answer. And you
know
why – I have explained it to you and tomorrow Dr. Barrett will again explain it to you, and your little monologue just now makes me even surer of that decision. You may watch the Discovery Channel or the Learning Channel or
PBS
or
CBC
or
YTV
or Spike
TV
or Playboy or whatever else – I don't care what! But not the Green Channel. Do you understand?'

That's when I started screaming. I screamed that she was not being fair. I screamed that she was being stupid – more stupid than an acanthonus armatus, which is the vertebrate with the smallest brain weight compared to spinal-cord weight. The acanthonus armatus didn't have to evolve to be very smart because it lives at the bottom of the ocean and is not very active and doesn't have many predators.

My mother didn't like being called an acanthonus armatus, and she likely didn't even know what it was, which proved my point! She gave me her dragon-lady look and told me to go find something to do. She turned to the counter and tried to ignore me by opening a can of cat food for Fiddledee.

But I didn't go away. I stood behind her and screamed that she was not being a good mother. By the look on her face right then, if she were a crocodile carrying me in her mouth to the water, she would have swallowed me.

My mother held the can of cat food in one hand and took some peanuts to eat with the other hand. My mother often puts stuff in her mouth to eat when she is upset. The more upset she is, the more she eats. And she was eating a lot of peanuts really fast.

I followed her to Fiddledee's dish and screamed at her to listen to me. And she said, ‘Phin, I will not talk about this.' Her voice and face were very mad. Then I yelled some more about how nobody wants the facts, everybody just wants the lies, and I followed her back to the kitchen counter.

My mother must have been really upset because then she did something that all of a sudden made me stop yelling and start laughing, and I really didn't want to do that, but I couldn't help it: she meant to put more peanuts in her mouth, but she put the cat-food spoon in by mistake!

She ran to the sink and started spitting and gagging, and I laughed harder and harder. I had tears running down my face. She kept saying, ‘Phin, this is not funny,' but she was laughing a little bit too.

Then I told her that she shouldn't worry too much because even though cat food is made out of animal parts like intestines, bones and ligaments, Fiddledee hasn't died yet, so she would likely be okay from eating just that little bit on the spoon. She was bigger than Fiddledee, after all, and so it would take a lot of cat food to poison her.

Then I didn't feel mad anymore. I don't think you can be mad and laugh at the same time. I really don't think that is possible.

I told my mother that she wasn't as stupid as acanthonus armatus and she said, ‘Why not? I ate cat food, didn't I?' And that made me laugh some more.

I asked my mother if it tasted good and she just made a face at me. I said, ‘Well, Mom, you never know. There's only one thing that all cultures of the world won't eat and that's human poop. Everything else is eaten by someone somewhere.'

When my mom went to do some work in her study, I went upstairs and wrote about Reull and drew some pictures of them. I drew the Jingleworm, who is red and white and has a part on the end of its body that jingles like a bell wherever it goes. The Jingleworm's predator is the Three-clawed Wren and it jingles so much that the Wren doesn't have any problem finding it to eat.

But then the Jingleworm started to hide in the coat of the Green-tailed Squirrel, which didn't mind because the loud jingling noise of the Jingleworm scared away its predator, the Electric Cat. The Electric Cat's ears are very sensitive to the jingling noise. To it the Jingleworm sounds like somebody scraping their nails on a chalkboard sounds to us. So the Jingleworm and the Green-tailed Squirrel have a symbiotic relationship.

The problem again is the Gorachs. They are starting to collect Jingleworm tails for jingly bracelets, which they give to their Gorach children. The Gorachs are the parasites, so many of the animals are working on making more symbiotic relationships. The Gorachs are in for a surprise.

That night I slept with my mother and she didn't even complain. I think the cat food may have done something to her brain.

Today my mother made me see Dr. Barrett again. It was my fourth time in his office with the too-high chair. I'm really tired of sitting in that chair. I don't know why, but it's hard to think when your feet don't touch the floor. It's weird to have them dangling and it makes a fast escape almost impossible – which might explain why he has those chairs.

After Dr. Barrett asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about (which is always how he starts off), and I said no (which is always my answer), he got out a little thing that looks kind of like a mouse for a computer. He told me it was called a galvanic skin response unit. It had a place for me to put two fingers and it was supposed to show how stressed I felt by measuring how sweaty the skin of my hand was. Dr. Barrett then hooked it up to his computer and clicked on a picture of a flying saucer floating in the sky. He told me that I could make the flying saucer go lower and eventually land by calming my mind and my body. He told me to concentrate on something that made me feel calm to see if I could do it.

With my fingers in Dr. Barrett's stress unit, I thought of sitting in a tree beside Pete's Pond. I imagined elephants doing a greeting ceremony. When they haven't seen each other in a while, they rush together loudly and flap their enormous ears and spin in circles while rumbling, roaring and trumpeting. This is how elephants show joy.

As I imagined this, the flying saucer got lower and lower. Dr. Barrett said quietly, ‘Excellent, Phin. You're doing it. See how calm and relaxed your body is?'

I nodded my head. I was starting to imagine baboons drinking and playing in the water and I wanted Dr. Barrett to be quiet so I could keep the image.

Dr Barrett said, ‘You've almost landed the spaceship. You are calm and relaxed. Very good.'

After a few more minutes, Dr. Barrett said, ‘Excellent, Phin! You did that really quickly. Now, what I'd like you to pay attention to is how relaxed your body and breathing are. And whenever you're upset, try to get back to this bodily state again, okay?'

‘That may be difficult.'

‘Why?'

‘Because of what makes me upset.'

‘Which is worrying about animals, right? Well, when you worry about animals, just think of what you were thinking this afternoon and bring back that feeling of calmness …'

‘That likely won't help,' I said. ‘Because I was thinking about Pete's Pond in Africa. I want to do work like Pete does, but you won't let me learn the things I need to know.'

Dr. Barrett didn't say anything for a minute and then he said, ‘Phin, I know this seems confusing for you right now, but next week when you come in we'll talk more about why your mother and I think that not watching the Green Channel is for the best right now. Can you trust me on this and we'll talk about it more next week?'

I didn't say anything.

Then after a few moments, Dr. Barrett said, ‘We'll talk more about this next week, okay, Phin? I'm really proud of how quickly you caught on to the relaxation exercise. That kind of exercise can really help make you feel better. And that's what your mom and I really want for you – to feel better. I'm going to lend you the little device we used here today to practice making your body feel calmer. Can you practice that for me every day until I see you next?'

He wants me to not worry at the very time I should be most worried – when I don't know what the crap's going on in the world.

Today at school Bird got in big trouble. He put his tongue in the cheek of his mouth and tried to say, ‘Get the puck off the ice' – only it didn't sound like
puck
. He said it about six times louder than loud. Mrs. Wardman heard him. He had to explain for a long, long time what he was trying to say.

I could tell that Mrs. Wardman didn't believe what Bird was saying. Her eyebrows were low and her lips were closed together and her nostrils were bigger than usual. She looked like the gorilla I saw on the Green Channel who was trying to scare away a lion except she didn't hoot and beat her chest. But she did give Bird one of those misbehaviour forms that his parents have to sign and send back in. Last time Bird got one of those was for saying the names Hugh Jass and Oliver Closov and Mike Hawk. She didn't believe him when he tried to explain those ones either.

Before this year I got a misbehaviour only twice. The first time was when I said
whatever
to a teacher when she told me that I'd have to stay in at recess because I forgot to get my agenda signed to show that I did my homework even though she knew I did all my homework. I thought I had said it quietly enough, but I was wrong and had to go see Mr. Legacie.

I actually like Principal Legacie. When he's on lunch-hour duty he often asks me if I have any interesting animal facts to share. I can tell that he's really interested because he asks questions about what I've said instead of just nodding his head and smiling like a lot of people do – including my mother sometimes. One day I told him all about barnacles, which stay attached in the same place for their whole lives. I wasn't sure if I should tell him about how they make babies since they don't move around, but I figured I would take a chance with Principal Legacie because I've never seen him look shocked or even surprised – I figure that's because of all the weird stuff he sees every day. So I told him that I read in a book that male barnacles have penises that are four times as long as their bodies and these come out of the shell and search around for a female nearby. Principal Legacie laughed, but then one kid started taking off his pants and he had to go stop him so we didn't get to talk about it more.

But all that happened before this year. I have a feeling this will be the year of the misbehaviour for me, just like every year is for Bird. That's because of what Bird and I are planning for Cuddles.

At lunch, Bird and I went back to the big apple tree by Mr. Byers' house and climbed up really high. Usually Bird tests out Mrs. Wardman's idea that something bad will happen to him if he goes past the place she told him he could go. So far he's gotten about three math books away from the tree and nothing has happened to him yet.

When he got past where he was supposed to be and then jumped back, he covered up his footprints by brushing a fir tree branch over
the snow and then he threw the branch away. He said that if the Crime Scene Investigation Unit came to the school to see who had been going past the line, they wouldn't be able to tell because all they'd see were the tree branch marks. The tree branch wouldn't have any fingerprints on it because he was wearing wool mittens. They might find traces of wool on the branch but that wouldn't help them much since many of the other kids have wool mitts too.

I told Bird that there might be eyewitnesses who saw me and him by the tree and that could lead to us being interviewed as suspects. But Bird said they wouldn't be able to hold us if they didn't have any evidence so he thinks we're out of the woods, but really we were in the woods.

I told Bird that they might be able to match up the wool they find on the tree branch with the wool on his mittens because no two pairs of mittens would be exactly the same. Bird said that if the
CSI
s show up at the school, he'll hide the mitts somewhere and put on his spare pair.