An Amish Match (9 page)

“I believe you aspire to being as honest as any man can be, Joshua Stoltzfus,” she whispered.

“Then believe I don't want you to worry about you and your
kinder
. I take my vows seriously to face every challenge with you, Rebekah. God has brought us together, and I believe His plans are always for
gut
.”

“I do, too.”

“It pleases me to hear you say that.” He admired the scattering of freckles that drew his gaze to the curve of her cheekbones and then to her full lips. His imagination sped faster than a runaway horse as he speculated how her red hair would brush her face and his fingertips if it fell, loose and untamed, down her back. She was his wife, and he'd thought often during the long nights since their wedding of her sitting in their bedroom and brushing out those long strands.

She was his wife, and he was her husband.

He framed her face with his hands before another thought could form. Her skin was soft and warm...and alive. How many times had he reached out in the past few years and found nothing but the chill of an old memory?

Her blue eyes beckoned but he hesitated. A man could lose himself within their depths. Was he ready to take the step from which there would be no turning back? The memory of Tildie and their love remained strong, and Rebekah's loss was still fresh and painful.

But didn't God want them to put others aside and cleave to one another, heart to heart, now that they were wed? The thought shook him. He wanted to live the life God had set out for him, but he hadn't been when he let the past overwhelm the present.

He saw her lips forming his name, but the sound never reached his ears as he bent toward her...toward his wife...his lovely Rebekah...

The squeal of tires on the road jerked him back to reality, and he released her as Timothy strolled up the driveway whistling. His son grinned as he waved at Alexis who tooted the car's horn to him.

Joshua heard the kitchen door shut, and Rebekah was gone. He stood there with his hands empty. He had let his opportunity to hold her slip away. He prayed it wouldn't be his only chance.

Chapter Eight

A
dozen contrasting emotions flooded Rebekah as the buggy entered the lane leading to the house where she used to live with Lloyd. It had been her home for more than five years, but the site of her greatest nightmare. Sammy had been born there and taken his first steps in the kitchen. It was also the place where Lloyd had first struck her in a drunken rage.

She hadn't expected Joshua to suggest a drive on the Saturday morning a week and a half after the school program. Previously on Saturdays he'd tended to chores in the barn or gone through catalogs to plan for what he needed to order for the buggy shop. Her heart had leaped with excitement because she'd hoped he was going to give her a tour of his shop. She wasn't sure why he hadn't asked her and Sammy to visit, but as each day passed, asking him seemed more difficult.

At first she'd needed to concentrate on getting the house back into acceptable shape. A stomach bug had made the three younger
kinder
sick and claimed her time and attention last week. As soon as they were well, Timothy had gotten sick. Yesterday was the first day he'd joined them for a meal, and he'd eaten no more than a few bites before he'd excused himself and returned to bed.

Keeping herself busy allowed her not to spend time alone with her husband. He hadn't said anything, but she knew he was curious why she continued to avoid him. If his son hadn't arrived when Joshua had clasped her face in his broad hands, he would have kissed her. What she didn't know was what would have happened if she'd kissed him back. The precarious balance of caring for the
kinder
at the same time she struggled not to care too much for her husband was a seesaw. A single step in the wrong direction could destroy that fragile equilibrium.

Now he had asked for her to go for a drive with him, and she'd accepted because she didn't have a
gut
excuse not to, especially because she liked spending time with him as long as they kept everything casual. She had been astonished when she learned their destination wasn't Joshua's buggy shop but Bird-in-Hand and Lloyd's farm. She'd agreed it was a
gut
idea to check on the house. When Joshua had told her that Timothy would bring the other
kinder
over in the open wagon after they finished their Saturday chores, she was grateful for her husband's thoughtfulness. She couldn't put any of the larger items she wanted to bring back to Paradise Springs in the family buggy, but they would fit easily in the wagon.

While they drove on Newport Road to bypass most of the busy tourist areas, she'd pointed out various landmarks. Joshua nodded as they passed the butcher's shop and suggested they stop on the way back to Paradise Springs, because his brother's store had a very small meat section with not a lot of items. She'd showed him the white schoolhouse Sammy would have attended and the medical clinic between a florist shop and a store selling quilts and Amish-built furniture.

“They've contacted my brother Jeremiah about selling some of his pieces there,” he had said. “He's done well enough at our family's shops, but he's wavering. He likes the work, but not the paperwork that selling directly to customers requires.” He looked at the medical clinic. “Shouldn't you be seeing a doctor for regular checkups?”

“I went before the wedding, and the midwife suggested I find another clinic in Paradise Springs. Is there one?”

“Ja,”
he had replied. “Do you want me to make an appointment for you?”

“That might be a
gut
idea.”

He had changed the subject, but now neither she nor Joshua said anything as he brought the buggy to a stop near the kitchen door. He stepped out, and she did the same. She looked around.

Each inch of the house and the barns and the fields held a memory for her,
gut
and oh-so-bad. It was as if those memories were layered one atop another on the scene in front of her. The most recent ones of her and Sammy were the easiest, because they weren't laced with fright.

The farm had been her prison, but it had become a symbol for her freedom from fear since Lloyd's death. It still was, she realized in amazement. The farm was her sanctuary if she needed it. She didn't know if she would, but she wasn't going to be unprepared ever again.

Joshua crossed his arms over his light blue shirt. “What do you think?”

“About what?” She wasn't going to share the true course of her thoughts.

“The appearance of the farm. From what I can see, most of the buildings don't need much more than a coat or two of paint to make them look
gut
.”

“I agree, except the roof on the field equipment barn is sagging. It should be shored up.”

He gave her a warm smile. “True, and I know just the man for the job.”

“Your brother Daniel?”

“
Ja
. He has repaired buildings in worse condition. I asked him to meet us here, so he can see what needs to be done. We want the buildings to look their best, so someone will offer a
gut
amount of money for the farm.”

“Money for the farm?” she repeated, shocked at how easily he spoke of selling the farm.
Her farm!

“
Ja
. Once it is fixed up, I thought we'd hold an auction for the land and buildings, as well as for anything else you want to sell—furniture, household goods and any farm equipment. Several neighbors have stopped by the buggy shop in the past couple of weeks to ask me when I plan to put it on the auction block, so the bidding should go well.”

He was going to sell her farm. Just like that. Lloyd had insisted on making the big decisions, too, and she'd learned not to gainsay him. Why had she thought Joshua might be different?

Or maybe he wasn't the same as Lloyd. After all, Joshua had invited her to the farm to consider what needed to be done in order to sell it. He hadn't sold it without allowing her to see her home one more time.

The thought gave her the courage to say, “Joshua, I don't know if I'm ready to sell the farm yet.”

“Why do you want to hold on to it?” He glanced from her to the weatherworn buildings. “If you're thinking you shouldn't sell it because it's Lloyd's legacy to Sammy, you need to consider how much upkeep it's going to need until he's old enough to farm. You could rent out the fields and the house, but buildings require regular upkeep, and it might cost as much or more than what you'd get from the rent. Selling the farm will provide money for Sammy when he's ready to decide what he wants to do as a man.”

She knew he was right...about Sammy. But he had no idea about the true reason she couldn't bear to let the farm go. How she'd longed for a refuge when Lloyd had been looking for someone to blame for his ills! Nothing Joshua had done suggested he would be as abusive as her first husband, but she needed a place to go with Sammy if that changed.

Not just Sammy, but the other
kinder
if they needed shelter, too.

Rebekah hoped her shrug appeared nonchalant. “I hadn't thought about what would happen with the farm.” That much was the truth. “I need time to think about selling it.” Walking to where hostas were growing lush near the porch, she took the time to pray for the right words to persuade Joshua to listen.

From where he hadn't moved, he said, “It'll take time to repair the buildings, especially as Daniel will need to do the work around his other jobs. At this time of the summer we can't ask for others to help.” He paused, then asked, “Rebekah?”

She faced him.
“Ja?”

“You'll have plenty of time to make up your mind. You don't need to decide today.” He gave her a cockeyed smile that made something uncurl delightfully in her center.

Something drew her toward him, something that urged her to think of his arms around her. She halted because she'd learned not to trust those feelings after they'd led her to Lloyd.

The rattle of the open wagon came from the end of the lane, and Rebekah saw Timothy driving the other
kinder
toward the house. As they neared, the older ones looked around, their eyes wide with astonishment. She guessed they were comparing their
onkel
Ezra's neat and well-maintained farm to this one.

But her gaze went to her son. She'd protected him from much of what had happened between her and his
daed
, and his young age would wash away other memories. Still, she didn't want this visit to upset him. She realized she didn't have anything to worry about when she heard his giggles as he played in the back of the wagon with Debbie.

Joshua lifted the younger
kinder
out while the boys jumped down. At the same time, he asked Rebekah where the lawnmower was. He sent Levi to get it from the shed. Timothy was given the task of collecting any canned food and other supplies from the kitchen and the cellar, while Debbie volunteered to look for any vegetables in the neglected garden.

“Sammy help?” her son asked.

“Help me,” Timothy said, picking him up and hanging him upside down over his shoulder. While Sammy kicked his feet and chortled in delight, he added, “I'll keep a close eye on him in the kitchen, Rebekah. Before I go down to the cellar, I'll take him out to help Debbie.”

“Danki.”
She didn't add how pleased she was Timothy had volunteered to spend time with her son. It would be
gut
for both boys.

If Joshua was surprised by his oldest's actions, he didn't show it as he walked into the backyard. He went to the chicken coop, which she'd kept in excellent shape. It was the only building that had been painted in the past three years.

“Where are the chickens?” he asked as he looked over his shoulder.

“I gave the leftover chickens to my
mamm
so she can have fresh eggs.” As she crossed the yard to where he stood, she rubbed her hands together, then stopped when she realized the motion showed her nervousness at being on the farm again. Maybe it wouldn't be the best haven.

But it was her only one.

She shivered and hastily added, “Most of the chickens were used for the wedding.”

“I remember.” He gave her a wry grin. “Though I don't remember much about what else we ate.”

“I don't, either.”

He paused and faced her. She took a half step back before she bumped into him. His mouth tightened. She'd given him every reason to believe a commonplace motion like trying not to run into someone had a great significance.

Before she could think of a way to explain, his expression eased again. He took her right hand between his and gazed into her eyes with a gentle honesty that threatened to demolish her resolve to keep her secrets to herself.

“What I do remember vividly,” he said in little more than a whisper, “is how when you came down the stairs I forgot everyone else in the room. I remember how you made sure my
kinder
didn't feel left out and how you welcomed them to participate in each tradition. Not many brides would have insisted on the
kinder
sharing our special corner during the wedding meal.”

“Sammy was fussy, so I wanted to keep him nearby. How could I have had him there with us and not the others?”

“You don't need to explain, Rebekah. I'm simply saying I know our marriage isn't what either of us planned on, but—”

“It could be worse?”

When he laughed hard, she released a soft breath of relief. His words had become too serious, too sincere, too...everything. She couldn't let herself be swayed by pretty words as she had with Lloyd. Hadn't she learned her lesson? Even if Joshua wasn't like Lloyd, and she prayed every day he wasn't, she couldn't forget how he still loved his late wife.

“I don't want to farm this land or any other, Rebekah.” He gave her a lopsided grin. “I know every Amish man is supposed to want to be a farmer, but I don't. God didn't give me the gifts he gave my brother. Ezra seems to know exactly when to plant and when to harvest. He can communicate with his herd of cows like he's one of them. That's why we agreed, rather than having the farm go to Daniel as the youngest son, Ezra should take over after
Daed
died. To be honest, Daniel was relieved, because he likes building things. It worked out well for each of us.”

“It did.”

He became serious again. “Rebekah, if you hoped I'd farm here, I'm sorry. We probably should have discussed this before our wedding.”

As well as so many other things
, she wanted to say. But the most important truths must remain unspoken.

“
Danki
for being honest with me,” she said. “No, I didn't expect you to take over the farm, especially when it's so far from your home and your shop.” She didn't hesitate before she added, “I hope you'll invite me and Sammy to visit the shop one of these days.”

His eyes grew wide. “You want to visit the buggy shop? I thought you weren't interested, because you haven't said anything about going there.”

“Joshua, you love your work, and as your wife I want to understand what is important to you.”

He smiled as broadly as Sammy did when offered a sweet. “Whenever you want to visit, drop in. I'll show you around so you can see how we make and repair buggies. Come as often as you wish.”

When she saw how thrilled he was, happiness bubbled up within her from a hidden spring she thought had long ago gone dry. She felt closer to her husband than she ever had.

Had he sensed that, too? She couldn't think why else he would rapidly change the subject back to the condition of the farm buildings.

“Daniel should be here soon,” he said. “The project he's been working on isn't far from here. If you see him, will you send him to the main barn? I'll start there.”