An Engagement in Seattle (9 page)

“You go ahead,” she said. “I’ll stay a little longer.”

She heard the frustration in his sigh. “I’m not leaving without you. You’re exhausted.”

“I’m afraid to leave her,” she whispered brokenly. The time had come for the truth, painful though it was. Julia was surprised she’d chosen to voice it to Alek and not her brother.

“Why?” her husband inquired gently.

She was glad he was standing behind her and couldn’t see the tears in her eyes. “If Ruth dies, when she dies, a part of me will go with her.” The best part, Julia feared. Something would perish in her own heart. Her faith in God and in herself would be shaken, and she wondered if this time the damage would be beyond repair.

“Do you wish to bind her to this life, this pain?”

“No,” Julia answered honestly. Yet she held on to Ruth fiercely.

A part of Julia had died with her father. It had been joy. Trust had vanished afterward when she realized everything he’d told her about Roger was true. She hadn’t wanted to believe her father, had argued with him, fought with him. It was while they were shouting at each other that he’d suffered the heart attack that had prematurely claimed his life.

Joy had faded from her soul that afternoon, replaced by guilt. In the years since, she’d made a semicom-fortable life for herself. She wasn’t happy, nor was she unhappy. She buried herself in her work, the desire to succeed propelling her forward, dictating her actions. Her goal was to undo the damage Roger had done to the company. First she would rebuild Conrad Industries to its former glory and then continue on the course her father had so carefully charted.

She was making progress, not only with the company, but with her life. Encouraged by Ruth, Julia was just beginning to recapture some of the enthusiasm she’d lost. She could laugh occasionally, even joke every now and then.

It had seemed impossible that she’d ever again feel anything but the weight of her sadness. Then, without being aware of the transformation, she realized she was feeling again, and it had started after her marriage to Alek.

Now here she was, trapped in pain and fear, and it was too soon. Much too soon.

“Come.” Alek took her by the shoulders.

She followed because she didn’t have the strength to resist. Leaning forward, she kissed Ruth’s cheek and felt the tears run down her own.

Alek gently guided his wife from the hospital room. He kept his arm around her, wanting to lend her his strength. She would never admit she needed him, never confess she was pleased he’d come to be with her. He’d been at the airport that afternoon, dealing with the Immigration people, working out the final details of his sister’s entry into the country. He’d been torn between his duty to his sister and Julia.

Alek found he was weary of this constant battle between them. She fought him at every turn, cheated him out of her love. Yet he’d begun to love her and was more determined than ever to win her heart.

He knew only bits and pieces of the past. Even Jerry seemed reluctant to discuss Julia’s relationship with Roger Stanhope.

Whenever his friend mentioned the other man’s name, Jerry’s mouth tightened and anger flashed in his eyes. Because he was often so involved with his own work, Alek couldn’t interact with other staff members as much as he would’ve liked. Recently he’d made a point of doing so.

Over lunch that afternoon, he’d casually dropped Roger Stanhope’s name and was astounded by the abrupt silence that fell over the small gathering.

“If you want to know about Roger, just ask Julia,” someone suggested.

It sounded like an accusation, which puzzled Alek. From the little he was able to surmise, Roger had been blamed for the fire, although presumably nothing was proven or he’d be in jail. Questions abounded. The answers, like so much else in his marriage, would come with time.

Julia was silent on the ride from the hospital to their home. Alek led her into the condo and toward the guest bedroom, where she chose to sleep.

She sat on the edge of the bed like a lifeless doll.

“Would you like some help undressing?” he asked her.

She shook her head. “No, thanks.”

He left her, but not because he wanted to.

Venturing into the kitchen, he made a pot of tea. Julia needed something hot and sweet. When the tea had finished steeping, he returned to her room and knocked lightly on the door.

“Come in.”

She’d changed clothes and was dressed in a sexless pair of cotton pajamas.

“I made tea.” He carried in a cup and saucer, and set them on the nightstand by her bed.

She stared at the cup as if she’d never seen anything like it before.

“I don’t know if you remember, but I told you yesterday that my sister was arriving this afternoon. I was at the airport meeting Anna and then drove her to my old apartment. That’s why I couldn’t come to the hospital until late. Anna will be here tomorrow morning.”

“Why are you so good to me? I don’t deserve it…not after the way I’ve treated you. Not after the things I’ve said.”

He had no answer for her because the truth would only enhance her distress. He loved her as any husband loved his wife. In time she’d recognize and accept it. But she wasn’t ready yet.

Alek peeled back the covers of her bed and fluffed up the pillow. She stood behind him, her breathing labored, as if she was struggling not to weep.

“Alek.” His name was a mere whisper. “Would you mind…would you sleep with me tonight? Just this once?”

The desire that invaded his body came as a greater shock than her request. From the first night of their marriage, Alek had been waiting for her to voluntarily invite him to her bed. He hadn’t imagined it would happen this way, when she was emotionally distraught.

In the same instant, Alek recognized that she wasn’t offering him her body. She was seeking his comfort. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it was a small step in the right direction and he’d take whatever Julia was willing to give him.

He reached for her hand, kissed her fingers and then moved to the doorway where he switched off the light. Darkness filled the room. He heard the mattress squeak as she slipped beneath the sheets. Then he walked back to the bed, stripped off his clothes and joined her.

It was the sweetest torture he’d ever known to have Julia move into his waiting arms. She cuddled her soft, feminine body against his, molding herself against him, her satiny smooth leg brushing his. She released one long sigh as her head nestled on his chest and was instantly asleep.

Asleep.

Alek grinned mockingly to himself and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He listened to the even sound of her breathing and after a few moments, kissed the crown of her head.

So this was to be his lot. Comforter. Not lover or husband, but consoler. His body throbbed with wanting her. Holding her so close, yet unable to really touch her, was the purest form of torment Alek had ever endured.

He didn’t sleep and was grateful he hadn’t, because Julia stirred suddenly, apparently trapped in a nightmare. She thrashed around until he managed to hold her down.

“No,” she sobbed and twisted away from him. Her nails dug into his flesh.

“Julia,” he whispered, “wake up. It’s just a dream.”

She raised her head from the pillow, looked into his eyes and frowned. Rubbing a hand over her face, she looked again as though she expected him to have disappeared.

“It’s all right,” he whispered soothingly. “I’m here.”

He could feel her heart racing. Her eyes met his in the darkness and he saw her confusion. It was on the tip of his tongue to remind her she’d invited him into her bed. But he didn’t. Instead he plowed his fingers into the thickness of her hair and brought her mouth to his.

She welcomed his kiss without hesitation, without restraint, moaning. She flattened her palms against his chest, then sighed when they’d finished kissing. A sigh that spoke of satisfaction. And confusion.

His body was on fire, but he didn’t press her for more. She snuggled against him and draped her arm around him, nestling back into their original position. Her hand was restless as it leisurely roamed across his chest.

Her face angled toward his, her eyes shining in the dark. Alek couldn’t resist kissing her again. He couldn’t force himself to draw too far away from her. They were so close, physically and emotionally, he wanted this moment to go on forever.

A soft lullaby came to him. He didn’t have much of a singing voice, but this was a song his mother had sung to him as a child when he was troubled. Julia wouldn’t understand the words, but they would soothe her spirit as they had his.

After the first verse, she released a long, trembling sigh. A few minutes later, she was sound asleep once more.

Alek followed her shortly afterward.

Julia opened her eyes and felt the unbearable weight of her sadness crushing her. Ruth was dying. She rolled over and, despite her sadness, realized it wasn’t grief that was pressing her down, but Alek.

Alek! In a sudden panic, she vainly tried to recall the events from the night before. Oh, no, she’d asked him…asked him to sleep with her. She’d been distraught. She hadn’t known what she was doing and now he’d think, he’d assume she wanted him to make love to her…that she’d welcome him to her bed every night.

Scrambling to her feet, she backed away from him, her hand at her breast.

“Julia?”

Her heart leapt into her throat. She’d hoped to slip away without waking him.

“Good morning.”

“’Morning,” she said shyly.

“Did you sleep well?”

Julia nodded and glanced down as the tears sprang readily to her eyes.

“Julia?” He reached for her hand, pulling her back to the bed. She sat on the edge and he slid his arms around her. Words weren’t necessary just then. She was grieving and Alek was there to comfort her. She placed her hands over his and their fingers entwined.

“Thank you,” she whispered when she could form the words. She leaned back, relaxing into his warmth. He kissed her hair and she turned abruptly and flung her arms around his neck, holding him for all she was worth.

He spoke to her, and she smiled softly when she realized it was in Russian. He seemed to forget she didn’t understand him. It didn’t matter. She knew what he was saying from his tone—that he was there, that he loved her.

For the first time, the thought didn’t terrify her.

Sometime later, Julia dressed, although she had trouble holding back the tears. She finished before Alek did and wandered into the kitchen, intent on starting a pot of coffee. She stopped short when she caught sight of a woman working in her kitchen.

“Good morning,” the woman said, struggling with the language. “I am Anna, Alek’s sister.”

Seven

“H
ello, Anna.” Julia had forgotten Alek’s sister was coming that morning. “Welcome to America.”

“Thank you.” Alek’s sister was small and thin with brown hair woven into a braid. Her eyes were so like Alek’s, it was as if Julia were staring into her husband’s own dark gaze. Her smile was warm and friendly and despite this awkward beginning, Julia liked her immediately.

“My English is poor, but I’m studying every day.”

“I’m sure you’ll do just fine,” Julia said, wondering why Anna was staring at her.

“I will cook your breakfast.”

“Thank you.”

“Eggs and toast?”

“Yes, please,” Julia answered and hurried into the bathroom. By the time she entered the kitchen, she understood Anna’s concern. There’d been tears in her eyes, and Alek’s sister must have assumed they’d been arguing. Julia hoped to find a way to reassure her that wasn’t the case.

Her breakfast was on the table. Generally she ate on the run, usually picking up a container of orange juice and a muffin at the local convenience store on her drive to the office. When Alek had suggested they hire his sister as a housekeeper and cook, Julia had readily agreed. It was a way of helping his family. A way of repaying her debt to him. A way of eating regular meals herself.

It wasn’t until she sampled the fluffiest, most delicious scrambled eggs she’d ever tasted that Julia realized Anna was the one doing her and Alek the favor.

She was reading over the morning paper when Alek appeared in the kitchen, smartly dressed. He poured himself a cup of coffee while his sister spoke enthusiastically in Russian.

“English,” Julia heard him say. “You must speak English.”

“This country is so beautiful.”

“Yes,” Alek agreed, pulling out the chair across from Julia and sitting down. She ignored him, concentrating on the paper.

“Did you phone the hospital?” Alek asked.

“Yes…there’s been no change. I’m going into the office this morning.”

“You’ll let me know if you hear anything?”

“Of course.”

His eyes met hers and he smiled. Julia found herself responding, treasuring this understanding between them, this sense of trust they’d stumbled upon. But it frightened her. When Alek recognized her reserve, he sighed and mumbled something she didn’t catch.

Anna responded to him in Russian. Naturally Julia couldn’t understand the words, but it sounded very much as if her sister-in-law was upset with him. She offered Julia a sympathetic look as she hurried out the door.

Alek returned his attention to Julia. “She thinks I caused your tears this morning. Suffice it to say, she wasn’t pleased with me.”

“Did you tell her about Ruth?”

“No. Not yet.”

“But—”

Alek leaned forward to place his finger on her lips. “Don’t worry about my sister. Or me.”

It was a mistake to go into the office; Julia realized that almost immediately. There were several pressing matters that needed to be taken care of before she could spend any more time at the hospital. Appointments to reschedule, work to delegate. Julia resented every minute away from her grandmother. She found herself impatient to get back to the hospital. Her relationship with Alek concerned her, too.

Sitting at her desk, Julia supported her face on her hands. She’d been so sure this marriage would never work. Now she wasn’t sure of anything. She needed Alek, and he’d come to her, held her, comforted her. She’d given him plenty of reasons to turn away from her. But when the opportunity came to comfort her, he’d come, willingly, unselfishly.

Each day, Julia felt herself weakening a little more, giving in to the attraction she felt for Alek. Every day he found some small way of dismantling the protective barrier around her heart. He was slowly, methodically, exposing her to the warming rays of the sun.

And yet…Julia wanted to shout that she didn’t
need
a man in her life, didn’t want a husband. Silently she did, forcing his image from her mind—with only limited success.

It was while she was trying not to think of Alek, to concentrate on the tasks before her, that he casually strolled into her office.

“I thought we should talk,” he said, dropping into a chair as if he had every right to be there.

“About what?” She pretended to be absorbed in reading her latest batch of correspondence.

“Last night.”

He sounded so flippant, so glib, as if their sleeping in the same bed had all been part of his game plan from the start. She’d conveniently fallen into his scheme without realizing it. His attitude infuriated her.

“It was a mistake,” she informed him sharply. “One that won’t be repeated.”

“I suppose it was too much to hope you’d think otherwise,” he said with a beleaguered sigh. “If you don’t want to accept the truth, then I’ll say it for you. It felt good to hold you in my arms, Julia. I’m here if you need me. I’ll always be here for you. If you believe nothing else about me, believe this.”

Julia felt her chest tighten as he stood and, without waiting for her to comment, walked out of her office. She didn’t understand this man she’d married, and wasn’t sure she ever would. She’d rewarded his kindness by cheating him out of the kind of marriage he’d expected, the marriage she’d agreed to. She’d insulted him and hurt his pride. Not once, but time and again.

Julia didn’t want to love Alek. Love frightened her more than any other emotion, even pain. She pulled a little more inside herself, blocking Alek from her heart, because it was only then that she felt safe.

Removing the slim gold band from her finger, she stared at it. She put it back on her finger, wondering if she’d
ever
understand Alek, then doubted it was possible when she had yet to understand herself.

She spent nearly two hours clearing her desk and her schedule before she was free to leave for the hospital.

Her heart grew heavy as she walked down the long corridor that led to her grandmother’s room. She didn’t stop at the nurses’ station, didn’t ask to talk to Ruth’s physician. Instead she went directly to the woman who’d helped her through the most difficult period of her life.

As Julia silently opened the door and stepped inside, she felt tears burn the backs of her eyes. Her grandmother appeared to be asleep. Ruth’s face was pale, but she seemed more at peace now, as if the pain had passed.

Tentatively Julia stepped over to her grandmother’s bed and took her hand. She held it to her own cheek and pressed it there. Slowly Julia closed her eyes.

As soon as she did, it felt as if Ruth were awake, waiting to speak with her.

“Don’t be sad,” Ruth seemed to be saying. “I don’t want you to grieve for me. I’ve lived a good, long life. You were my joy. God’s special gift to me.”

“No, please,” Julia pleaded silently. “Don’t leave me, please don’t leave.”

“Julia, my child. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t cling to the past. Look instead to the future. You have a husband who adores you and children waiting to be born. Your life is just beginning. So much love awaits you, more joy than you can possibly imagine now. Your pain shall reap an abundant harvest of life’s treasures. Trust me in this.”

“Treasures,” Julia whispered. She couldn’t look past the present moment to think about the future. Not when her heart was breaking.

Tears ran unrestrained down her face and she felt her grandmother’s presence reaching out to comfort her, a last farewell before she set out on the journey before her.

Julia didn’t know how long she stood there, holding on to Ruth’s hand. She realized as she looked up at the monitor registering her grandmother’s heartbeat that it had gone silent. Ruth had quietly slipped from life into death with no fuss, no ceremony, as if she’d been awaiting Julia’s arrival so she could leave peacefully.

Julia had known it would be impossible to prepare herself emotionally for this moment. Ruth’s death wasn’t a shock; she’d been ill for years. Julia had been aware that each day could be her grandmother’s last. She’d accepted the inevitability of Ruth’s passing as best she could. But nothing could have prepared her for the grief that slammed against her now. Nothing.

Collapsing into the chair, Julia cried out, the sound a low, anguished wail as she swayed back and forth.

A nurse came, so did a doctor and several other health professionals. Julia didn’t move. She couldn’t. The sobs racked her shoulders and she hid her face in her hands. And slowly rocked with grief.

Someone led her from the room. She sat in the private area alone, desolate, inconsolable.

Jerry and Alek arrived together. Jerry spoke with the hospital officials while Alek wrapped Julia in his arms and held her against him as she wept until she had no more tears.

She needed him and was past pretending she didn’t. Her own strength was depleted. Clinging to Alek, she buried her face in his chest, seeking what solace she could. When her father died, she’d been numb with guilt and grief. The tears hadn’t come until much later.

He held her close and she was grateful for his comfort, for his willingness to share her grief.

They seemed to be at the hospital for hours. There were papers to sign and a hundred different decisions to make. Jerry went with her and Alek to the funeral home, where arrangements were made for Ruth’s burial.

Julia was surprised by the calm, almost unemotional way she was able to deal with the details of the funeral. The flowers, the music, discussing the program with first the funeral home director and then the family’s minister, Pastor Hall.

It was dark by the time they’d finished. Jerry, solemn and downcast, walked out to the parking lot with her and Alek.

“Do you want to come back to the condo with us?” Julia asked, not wanting to leave her brother alone. Unlike her, he’d return to an empty house. Ruth’s death had shaken him badly. He didn’t express his grief as freely as she had.

Jerry shook his head. “No, thanks.”

“Anna has dinner ready and waiting,” Alek said.

“I’ll pick up something on the way home,” he assured them both. “Don’t worry about me.”

Alek drove through the hilly streets that led to their condominium. “How are you feeling?” he asked, when he opened the front door for her.

“Drained.” The emotions seemed to be pressing against her chest. She was mentally and physically exhausted; her fatigue was so great she could barely hold up her head.

Alek guided her into the kitchen. She hadn’t eaten since breakfast, hadn’t thought about food even once. The smells were heavenly, but she had no appetite.

He brought two plates from the oven and set them on the table.

“I’m not hungry,” she told him. “I’m going to take a bath.” She half expected him to argue with her, to insist she needed nourishment. Instead he must have realized she knew what was best for herself right now.

One look in the bathroom mirror confirmed Julia’s worst suspicions. Her eyes were red, puffy, and her cheeks were pale, her makeup long since washed away by her tears. She looked much older than her thirty years. About a hundred years older. She looked and felt as if she’d been hit by a freight train.

Ruth was gone, and other than Jerry she was alone in the world. She was grateful for Alek’s assistance during this traumatic day, but in time he’d leave and then she’d be alone again.

Running her bathwater, she added a package of peach-scented salts and stepped into the hot, soothing water. She leaned against the back of the tub and closed her eyes, letting the heat of the bath comfort her.

Children waiting to be born.

She didn’t know why that phrase edged its way into her mind. There would be no children because there would be no real marriage. She was more determined than ever not to cross that line, especially now, when she was most vulnerable. She’d hurt Alek enough, abused his gentleness, taken advantage of his kindness.

He was standing in the hallway outside the bathroom waiting for her when she finished. “I’m fine, Alek,” she said, wanting to reassure him, even if it wasn’t true.

“You’re exhausted. I turned back the sheets for you.”

“Thank you.”

He ushered her into the bedroom as if she were a child. In other circumstances, Julia would have resented the way he’d taken control of her life, but not then. She felt only gratitude.

She slid beneath the covers, nestled her head against the pillow and closed her eyes. “Alek,” she whispered.

“Yes, my love?”

“Would you sing to me again?”

He complied with a haunting melody in his own language. His voice was clear and strong, and even though she couldn’t understand the words, she found it beautiful and soothing. She wanted to ask him the meaning, but her thoughts drifted in another direction. Toward rest. Toward peace.

Julia woke with a start. She didn’t know what had jarred her awake. The room was dark, although the hall light offered little illumination. The digital clock on the nightstand informed her it was nearly 1:00 a.m. As her eyes adjusted, she realized Alek was sitting beside her in a chair, his legs stretched out before him and his head cocked at an odd, uncomfortable angle.