An Evening with Johnners (20 page)

The Scotsman said, ‘I support Hearts. I’ll eat the heart.’

The Englishman said, ‘Well, I support Liverpool. I’ll eat the liver.’

The Irishman looked a bit glum. He said, ‘I support the Arsenal. I’m not feeling very hungry!’

J
ust before we stop, I’ve said that cricket is fun. Now, I want you to cast your mind back to August 1991, the Friday of The Oval Test match against the West Indies. Bad light stopped play at half past six and Peter Baxter, our producer, turned to Jonathan Agnew and myself
and said, ‘Go through the scorecard, will you please, to fill in time.’

Gallantly, I started the scorecard. I got down as far as Ian Botham, who had been out ‘hit wicket’ and this is what followed:

Johnners:
‘Botham, in the end, out in the most extraordinary way.’

Aggers:
‘Oh, it was ever so sad really. It was interesting, because we were talking and he had just started to loosen up. He had started to look, perhaps, for the big blows through the off side, for anything a little bit wide – and I remember saying, “It looks as if Ian Botham is just starting to play his old way.”

‘It was a bouncer and he tried to hook it. Why he tried to hook Ambrose, I’m not sure, because on this sort of pitch it’s a very difficult prospect. It smacked him on the helmet, I think – I’m not quite sure where it did actually hit him …’

Johnners:
‘Shoulder, I think.’

Aggers:
‘Shoulder, was it? As he tried to hook, he lost his balance, and he knew – this is the tragic thing about it – he knew exactly what was going to happen. He tried to step over the stumps and just flicked a bail with his right pad.’

Johnners:
‘He more or less tried to do the splits over it and, unfortunately, the inner part of his thigh must have just removed the bail.’

Aggers:
‘He just didn’t quite get his leg over!’

Johnners:
‘Anyhow … [
chuckles
] … he did very well indeed, batting one hundred and thirty-one minutes and hit three fours … [
Agnew buries his face in his hands and starts to giggle helplessly
] … and then we had Lewis playing extremely well for forty-seven not out … Aggers, do stop it … [
Bill Frindall laughs in background
] … and he was joined by DeFreitas who was in for forty minutes, a useful little partnership there. They put on thirty-five in forty minutes and then he was caught by Dujon off Walsh … [
snort from Frindall
] … Lawrence, always entertaining, batted for thirty-five … [
Johnners starts to wheeze
] … thirty-five … [
gasping
] … minutes … hit a four over the wicket-keeper’s h … [
high-pitched giggle
] … Aggers, for goodness sake stop it … he hit a f … [
dissolves into uncontrollable laughter
] …’

Peter Baxter hisses at Jonathan Agnew to say something.

Aggers:
‘Yes, Lawrence … extremely well … [
collapses completely
] …’

Both men are now speechless with laughter, tears rolling down their faces.

Johnners:
[
hysterical
] ‘… He hit … [
his voice getting higher and higher
] … he hit a four over the wicket-keeper’s head and he was out for nine … [
crying and dabbing at his eyes with a large handkerchief
] … and Tufnell came in and batted for twelve minutes, then he was caught by Haynes off Patterson for two … [
calming down gradually
] … and there were fifty-four extras and England were all out for four hundred and nineteen … I’ve stopped laughing now …’

T
hat
was the most professional piece of broadcasting I ever did! You see, I kept going regardless. Peter Baxter said to Aggers, ‘Say something, Aggers! Say something!’ He was meant to join in, but he got as far as ‘Lawrence …’ and he burst out laughing too.

But it does show that cricket is fun and the nice thing is, the BBC put it on
Pick of the Week
and they also put it out on television on the BBC
Sports Personality of the Year
programme. I’m often interviewed by people from abroad and they always mention it, so the giggle went round the world, and I don’t think it was a bad thing.

Can I once again thank you very much for coming. I hope you have enjoyed meeting me, I have enjoyed meeting you. So I will finish on this little song, which goes like this:

[
Brian sings a few lines from
‘When I Discovered You’
by Irving Berlin
] 

Thank you very much.

THE END

 

AND FINALLY…

W
hen the famous Ian Botham ‘Leg Over' incident was originally broadcast, I was listening to
Test Match Special
on the radio at home. As soon as I heard Brian's first stifled chuckle, somehow I knew he was going to get a fit of the giggles. By the time he finally stopped, I was crying with laughter myself and had tears running down my face. It was, and still is, the funniest thing I have ever heard.

Thousands of others felt the same. Many drivers,
listening
in their cars on the way home from work, had to pull into the side of the road until they had calmed down. There were reports of a two-mile tail-back at the entrance to the Dartford Tunnel on the M25, because some drivers were laughing so much that they were unable to go through the toll-booths.

A few days after the broadcast, the BBC's Head of Litigation, Diana Adie, received the following letter from Tony Alexander, a solicitor with a firm called Heffrons in Milton Keynes. I have spoken to Mr Alexander and, happily, all involved are now fully recovered from their injuries:

Dear Sir,

 

Re: Cricket Commentary – Friday 9 August 1991

 

We have been consulted by Mr Wally Painter and his wife Dolly. On Friday evening our clients were in the process of redecorating their hallway. Mr
Painter was perched on a ladder in the stairwell of his house, whilst Mrs Painter held the ladder steady. Our clients' aquarium with assorted tropical fish was situated at the foot of the stairwell.

Our clients are keen cricket enthusiasts, and were listening to the summary of the day's play on Radio Three, when Mr Brian Johnston and Mr Jon Agnew were discussing Mr Ian Botham's dismissal, which apparently involved some footwork which Mr Botham failed to consummate.

The ensuing events caused a vibration in the ladder and, in spite of Mrs Painter's firm grasp, Mr Painter fell off the ladder, landing awkwardly on the partial landing, thereby dislocating his left wrist. The ladder fell on Mrs Painter, who suffered a contusion to her forehead.

The 5 litre drum of Dulux Sandalwood
Emulsion
fell and crashed through the aquarium, which flooded the hallway, depositing various frantically flapping exotic fish onto a Persian rug. The Painters' pedigree Persian cat (Mr Painter spent many years in Tehran as an adviser to the late Shah) grabbed one of the fish, a Malayan red-spined Gurnot, and promptly choked to death.

The water seeped down into the cellar where the electricity meters are located. There were
several
short circuits, which resulted in (a) the main switchboard being severely damaged and (b) the burglar alarm (which is connected to the local police station) being set off.

Meanwhile, Mr and Mrs Painter were
staggering
towards the bathroom, apparently in paroxysms of hysterical laughter despite their injuries. Within minutes, the police arrived, and believing the
Painters
to be vandals and suspecting, as both were
incoherent
, that they had been taking drugs, promptly arrested them.

We are now instructed to inform you that our clients hold the Corporation (BBC) liable for:

(a) Their personal injuries.
 

(b) The loss of the aquarium and various exotic fish collected over several years.
 

(c) The damage to the Persian rug.
 

(d) Damage to the electrical installation and burglar alarm.
 

(e) Death of the cat.

However, they are prepared to settle all claims for damages in respect of the above provided that you supply them with a recording of the discussion between Mr Johnston and Mr Agnew, together with an undertaking from Mr Johnston and Mr Agnew
that they will not in future discuss Mr Botham's footwork or lack of it, while Mr and Mrs Painter are decorating their property.

 

Yours faithfully,

 

Heffrons.

I am happy to report that the Painters received their tape.