An Ever Fixéd Mark (60 page)

“No, I do not,” he said bitterly with his
back turned to her. “He loves you.”

“He loves Lily.”

“If that is what you want, I am not going to
stop you.”

“You aren’t worried for my safety?”

He turned and laughed as he faced her. “What
does my concern for your safety matter when you have none for
yourself?”

She felt the energy drain from her head. A
coolness came across her cheeks as her knees weakened. She
retreated to a chair and sat as her ears clouded. Ben left the room
and came back quickly with a glass of water.

“You should go upstairs and get some rest,”
he said distantly.

She shifted her hurt, angry eyes to him. “I
would go home right now if I had the strength,” she swallowed the
water.

“Get some rest and we will talk later,” he
touched her shoulder and went back to his desk.

She waited until the blood came back to her
cheeks. She stood and quietly left the room, knowing that Ben’s
eyes were watching her. She went up the stairs into one of the
bedrooms. It was well furnished like the rest of the apartment, but
clearly uninhabited. She lay down on the bed and tried to sort
through all the heated words of the past half hour. Nothing made
sense as her mind whirled between Lily and Lizzie. Somewhere
between the images of white roses and blurred blue ink, she fell
into a deep, dreamless sleep.

It was dark when she woke. The clock in the
room read 2:15. She was too wide awake to go back to sleep. Her
body was restless from sleeping so many hours. She felt the itch of
her limbs from being idle for several days. She wanted to do
something. Something more than stare into the blackness and see
Lily’s memories.

Her bag was on the chair by the dresser. Ben
must have brought it up while she was sleeping. She decided to take
a shower in the adjoining bathroom and change out of her jeans. It
felt good to wash away the dried tears from her cheeks, but the
steam reminded her of her empty stomach.

She left the room. The doors of the other
bedrooms were closed. She wondered if Ben was in one of them, or if
he was still in his office downstairs. There was no light at the
bottom of the stairs – just the glow from the lights along the
river. She went down and saw the office door was open and dark. She
walked around the open space of the apartment, drawn almost
immediately to the dining area and the sideboard. She opened the
cabinet doors and found them empty. Until the last which hid a rack
of wine. She pulled out one of the bottles and saw her favorite
Malbec.

She was tempted and
remembered her empty stomach. She looked at the kitchen and noticed
a bowl of fruit that wasn’t on the counter earlier. She walked
toward the shiny apples and saw a receipt by the bowl for a grocery
delivery. She opened the refrigerator and cabinets to see Ben’s
afternoon purchase of her favorite ingredients. Not a bad memory
for someone who knew so little about 21
^st
century food. But there
were still no plates.

She made a turkey sandwich and ate it
without much thought for flavor. She satisfied her stomach and felt
the vacancy of the apartment overwhelm her. She returned to the
bottle and was pleased to find a pair of wine glasses and a
corkscrew. She wondered how long they were there, if they were
always meant for her… or if there was any other source he brought
home.

She walked back to the large windows,
letting the warm burn of the Malbec relax her. She stared out onto
the river, noticing the lights from Cambridge reflected on the dark
water. She wondered where the marshes were centuries before. Where
Lily sank her feet into the grass and lost hold of the book…

“
Elizabeth?” she heard his
voice at the top of the stairs. She looked up and saw him leave the
doorway of her room. Even in the shadows, she saw the relief relax
his brow.

“My clock is messed up,” she looked back at
the river. “I couldn’t sleep any more.”

“I got some groceries,” he came down the
stairs. “If you are hungry, there is food.”

“I know,” she showed him the wine glass and
took another sip.

“Are you…” he stopped a foot away from her.
“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“I mean,” he breathed out. “I don’t mean
physically.”

“I just slept too much,” she took another
sip of wine.

“Elizabeth, I said a number of things this
afternoon that I regret.”

“A lot of it is true. I can’t let the
memories of Lily make my choices,” she exhaled a staggered breath.
“I don’t love him. I realized that a week after… I always knew
that. I just felt guilt. Like I had to do something to make it
right. All I did was make everything worse.”

“
Elizabeth…” he came to
her side.

“Do you wish I didn’t remember Lily?”

“Sometimes,” he pulled her hair back from
her shoulder, exposing the marks Oliver gave her. “She knew me when
I was something else. I loved her. I loved that she made me want to
be different from what I was. Even though she died… and maybe
because she did, I tried my best to become what I thought she
believed I could be. But I destroyed her, as I fear I’ve...”

Lizzie saw a light move across the water – a
boat or something… like a ferry. She drank from the wide rimmed
goblet. She swallowed it after letting the flavor linger on her
tongue for a moment. She didn’t feel the warmth in her veins. She
immediately took another lingering sip and set down the glass. “You
would have killed her child if you kept her with you that night.
You saved her from a lifetime of heartache. You set Lily free.”

“Have I?” he turned her to face him. She saw
the hunger in his grayer eyes. “Or have I destroyed her – you all
over again?”

“You set me free. I was living this life
blindly, unaware that I was trapped in Lily’s misery. Confined by
her lack of self worth, her paralyzed ambition, her inability to
trust love. But I… I broke through that. I determined to fix
myself, to face the things that make me unhappy. I want to live a
better life, not die to escape misery.”

“Do I make you unhappy?”

“Only when I’m not with you,” she smiled
through her tears.

He stroked her cheek and cupped her chin in
his hand. “Once you told me I was what you were running to. You
don’t need to run any more. I want you to be with me. I want you to
stay with me.”

She lifted her hands to his chin and kissed
him. She walked him towards the couch, gently pushing him to sit.
She sat across his hips as his hands were at her shoulders, then
her waist, fumbling for the end of her shirt and lifting it over
her. “Ben, I love you,” she kissed him lightly and then pressed
against his forehead. “I never stopped loving you.”

“
I always loved you,
Elizabeth.”

Lizzie curled her lips into a smile and
kissed him again.

*****

Lizzie walked back into the room and sat on
the chair opposite the bed. Ben opened his eyes and smiled at her.
“I knew you were awake,” she laughed as she bit into one of her
orange pieces.

“I knew you were more likely to feed
yourself if you thought I was asleep,” he sat up against the
headboard. She breathed out as she saw the afternoon sun highlight
the curve of his biceps.

“I was famished. Surely that must mean I’m
not developing an appetite for blood.”

“It’s a good sign,” he laughed. She missed
his smile. She missed that open look of admiration he forced
himself to hide until last night.

“How will I know for sure?”

“I will take a sample of your blood to the
clinic today. They can do a final test. Then you should be in the
clear.”

“Then?”

“Then what?”

“I go home?”

Ben’s expression sobered. “Do you want to go
home?”

“No,” Lizzie thought about her bedroom and
the last time she was there… with Oliver. “Do you think he will try
to see me?”

“He shouldn’t,” Ben swallowed.

“How do you know?”

“I spoke to him after you woke up. I told
him you were… that you survived and that he should keep his
distance.”

“He won’t do that if you tell him, Ben.”

“Do you want to tell him?”

“No,” she took the last piece of orange.

“You can stay here as long as you want,” he
reached his arm and pulled her to his side. “I would like you to
make this your home. It would make this monstrosity less
empty.”

Lizzie smiled to herself. It was still so
new and strange, all part of the dreamlike quality of the past six
months. She liked the new apartment. She liked it a lot, with the
marble countertops, the stainless steel appliances, the magnificent
view of the Charles. It was almost surreal to think of it as hers…
theirs. But she couldn’t imagine leaving, even to go home to
Jefferson Park. “I could start my business here,” she let the
thought escape her lips without recognition.

“The catering business with Andrew?”

“Nora told you.”

“
I think it’s a brilliant
idea. But you know, you could rent a space.”

“No,” she said firmly. “We tried that and
didn’t get a loan. Besides, I think we need to start small. Less
responsibility. Especially if I’m working at the hospital.”

“Why would you still do that?”

“To make money.”

“You said it was dull.”

“It is.”

“If you come here, Elizabeth, you won’t have
to worry about living expenses.”

“I have a car.”

“And I’m certain by the end of the year you
will have some income to take care of that,” he fingered the ends
of her hair.

“I still need money for startup
expenses.”

“
Leave the hospital. If
you need extra income, go work in a museum.”

“
Is this about me giving
up a job I don’t like very much or about a certain doctor?” Lizzie
looked at him. “What exactly did Dr. Chiang tell you about Eric?
How long has she been telling you things about me?”

“When I found out you worked there, I asked
if she knew you. She never said much. But when I went to Chicago, I
asked if she would keep an eye on you.”

“Does she know Oliver?”

“Yes.”

“Does she know about Lily and … the
Fultons?” Lizzie half laughed at the fact Dr. Chiang’s cardiac
center was funded by Ben’s thwarted pillage.

“Some of it,” Ben touched her arm. “She’s a
friend.”

Lizzie intertwined her fingers in his. She
didn’t really want to go back to the hospital and see Dr. Chiang
regularly and have to wonder the thoughts behind those brilliant
blue eyes. She wasn’t eager to see Eric again. He was good to her.
But it was done, like everything else that came before last night.
“Maybe I’ll take the summer off. I have some money put away. Not a
lot… but enough to give me a couple months to start our
business.”

“Good,” he grinned and pulled her back to
the bed.

Chapter
Thirty-Eight

Ben had to go to his office the next
morning. Lizzie decided to test her endurance and take the train
back to Jefferson Park to get some more clothes and her car. She
appreciated the walk in the warm spring air. She breathed in the
sweet blossoms along the sidewalks and admired the green starting
to show on the grass of the park. As she followed the traces of
emerging color, she saw a silver Jeep Wrangler parked on the other
side of the street. Someone was sitting in the driver’s seat. She
didn’t have to meet his eyes to know it was Oliver. She hastened
her steps, locked the door, and went directly to her room. Lizzie
saw the disheveled blankets on her bed and shuddered at the memory
of Oliver standing in the doorway. Was there blood? Or was she
imagining it? She couldn’t stay there long. She heard Ben’s
warnings creep back into her mind. She wasn’t afraid of him… and
yet… he was outside her apartment. Waiting for her.

She opened several drawers of her dresser,
pulling out all sorts of clothing. She didn’t want to have to
confront Oliver. She wasn’t ready. Ben said the test results showed
no mutation, but it would be three months before her blood was
worthy of being a source. Oliver’s madness would thrive on her poor
cell count. Madness that let him believe she wanted him, that Lily
came back to him. If he had the delusion, he could believe that. If
he drank her weak blood, he could have her forever.

She found a suitcase and shoved all the
clothes and her laptop and toiletries into it. She would come back
later, to talk to Meg. With Ben. She brought the suitcase to her
car and realized she forgot her coat with her wallet in her room.
She rushed back to the door and let herself in, but didn’t hear the
slam of the screen door shut.

“Hi Lizzie.”

“Hi,” she struggled to keep her face calm as
she turned back to face Oliver. Her heart beat so quickly and
loudly she feared he would hear it and be tempted by her blood
flow.

“You’re okay,” he smiled, but it required a
lot of effort.

“No thanks to you,” she started to close the
main door. He put up his hand to stop it and stepped into the
vestibule.

“Don’t … just let me come in for a few
minutes.”

The space in front of the door was narrow.
She turned quickly and went up the stairs to get away from him. “I
have to be somewhere in a half hour,” she began the lie and
determined to fuel it with more information. “I have to go to the
clinic.”

“To see Ben?” he reached the top of the
stairs.

“To make sure you didn’t ruin my blood,” she
glared at him. She wanted to see his reaction – to see if he knew
what he did.

“Lizzie,” he reached out his hand. “I didn’t
want to hurt you.”

“No?” she felt exposed standing so close to
the stairs. She walked into the living room and crossed her arms in
front of the couch.