An Ever Fixéd Mark (56 page)

The book fell from her hands into the water.
Ben grabbed her from behind and kissed her. He didn’t give her the
opportunity to speak first. She didn’t want to tell him. How could
she tell him? He expected her to go with him. He expected her to
become…

She watched the pain change the green eyes
to gray. She told him she wanted this baby. She told him she had to
marry the father. He was angry. He wanted to hurt her. She saw the
look that terrified her when she first saw his teeth. She knew… she
knew she couldn’t be with this monster. She looked at the book
under the water and walked away. She pretended not to hear when he
said she would change her mind. She kept walking to stop the
swirling of her stomach.

*****

Lizzie sat up and ran back into the
bathroom. Was there really anything left in her body? She felt
weak, barely strong enough to stand, but she left her room and went
down to the living room. She went to the coat closet and pulled out
the box she pushed there four months before. She found the leather
books and opened the volume of Byron to look at the water-stained
sonnet on the inside cover. She clutched the leather binding and
shut her eyes repeating the lines, “love alters not with his brief
hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom.”

Lizzie fell on the couch, clutching the book
in her hands. All the images of her dream shifted into place. Lily
was pregnant. With Oliver’s baby. But Ben had already sent Oliver
to Charlotte. The sorrow overwhelmed her. Lily’s sorrow.

She shut her eyes and saw Harriet’s room.
She smelled the air, the heavy scent of flowers from the garden
drifting into the open window. She was sitting in the chair waiting
to tell him the happy news. Oliver came through the door as she
knew he would. But he wasn’t… he wasn’t Tom. His eyes burned with
that otherworldly intensity. Benjamin’s threat made sudden perfect
sense. Thomas muttered something about being with her forever. The
baby. The baby. She couldn’t have a baby with a vampire. She
couldn’t have a baby without him. She went to him. She kissed him.
She let him have her. It wasn’t love. It was fierce and intense,
not the clumsy movements from their secret meetings. She moved her
head to expose her neck. She knew he should have stopped. She knew
the point came and went when she should have pulled away. She knew
her release would come soon.

“Lizzie,” someone shook her shoulder. Lizzie
opened her eyes and saw Meg leaning over her. “Are you okay?”

“I’m not pregnant.” Lizzie sat herself back
up. “I think it’s food poisoning.”

Meg took the book from her clutches and
looked at it. “Did you call a doctor?”

“Why?” Lizzie knew she was too weak to
blush.

“Because you are going to run a marathon
next week. You should know if this is serious,” Meg felt her
forehead. “I think you have a fever.”

“I’m fine.”

Meg pouted, but didn’t push the subject.
“Can I get you anything?”

“I just need to get it out of my body,”
Lizzie took the book back from her. “I’m pretty sure I’ve done
that.”

“Well, maybe this will make you feel
better,” Meg offered a brief smile and an envelope.

Lizzie wasn’t too feverish to not recognize
the return address of the bank. She lifted a weak pair of arms and
managed to open the letter. She scanned the short paragraph and
felt her brief burst of adrenalin plummet. “We didn’t get it.”

“Oh Lizzie.”

“I knew we were aiming too high,” Lizzie was
unable to care when her head felt too light for any emotion. She
couldn’t process the dream much less the reality of that
letter.

“Remember when you started running? You were
in agony the first time you ran two miles. You said you were never
going to do it again. But you got up and ran two miles every
morning. Then it was three. Then it was four. And now it’s a
marathon. You’ll get up and try again.”

“
Mmm,” Lizzie smiled
weakly, impressed by Meg’s wisdom. Somewhere in the past five
months Meg grew up.

Meg left the couch and went to the closet to
get another blanket. She tripped over the box of books, knocking a
gift bag off the top. Meg picked it up and pulled out a small
hinged box. “This is pretty,” she opened up the compact and showed
the white powder.

“Careful, that stuff is toxic,” Lizzie slid
back against the sofa.

“Was this from Ben?”

“From Andrew,” Lizzie thought about the
possibility of lead and her weak stomach stirred a little. It
didn’t really matter any longer. “It was a Christmas present.”

“Do you want this valuable antique in a box
in the closet?”

“Keep it there. I should probably get it
cleaned or something,” Lizzie shut her eyes again. “Right now I
just want to sleep.” She felt for the leather bound book that
slipped to her side and clutched it to her chest as she fell
asleep.

She slept a lot. The dreams didn’t play out
in such vivid detail, but they presented encores of the feverish
images that stayed in her mind since the summer. The hedges by the
carriage house, promises whispered in the moonlight, sitting in the
kitchen, and the green eyes that were always there.

She faded back into coherent thought by noon
the following day. She was able to follow the tedious plotlines of
a soap opera. Of course there was a story about an unwanted
pregnancy. Of course… Lizzie let herself wrap her brain around the
past 24 hours. She hated the fact she had food poisoning. She
didn’t know how she would get enough strength by the weekend to do
her last ten mile run. She hated being confined to the couch
without much energy to even take a shower.

There was a small part of her that wished it
wasn’t food poisoning, that wished the test wasn’t negative. She
didn’t know how she would support a child when she couldn’t qualify
for a business loan with a partner. She didn’t love the father. But
Eric would have done the right thing. Just like Thomas.

Maybe it wasn’t Lizzie who wished for the
test to be different. Lizzie didn’t want a baby. She had that pang
when she saw Will and then when she found out about Nora, but it
really was okay with her that Ben couldn’t provide her with a
child. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe that was Lily protecting her.
Protecting her from the memory of a lost child. A child she wanted
to have, to stay mortal, to make herself … to make herself human
again. That child was her hope to start her life over. To get away
from the Fultons who treated her poorly because she was a bastard.
To get away from the parasites who used her for her blood. Tom gave
her that choice. He gave her that way out. Not just to another
place, but to another reality of herself. Ben, even with those eyes
that loved her so completely, could not give her that. And when
Thomas became a vampire, he took away that choice… leaving Lily
with only one option for her escape.

She reread the inside of the book again and
again. To the edge of doom. She loved Ben. Lily loved him so
completely. Did she love Oliver? Did she love him enough to come
back to him in another lifetime? Lizzie wondered if Lily’s
affection for him was any different than her affection for Eric.
She liked his company more once she understood he knew about
vampires. He was good to her. He liked her. If there was a baby, it
wouldn’t have been a bad partnership.

But Oliver was more to Lily than a
thoughtful doctor. He was her best friend. He loved her – as much
as those green eyes. Not enough to stay human. Not enough to resist
Charlotte. So Lily took his child without even telling him.

Would Lizzie tell him?
That secret went with Lily to the grave. Two hundred years ago.
What good would it do to tell him now? Especially if he had
someone… someone new? That source. He didn’t love Lizzie. He got
swept up in the idea of Lily, just as she had. They both lost sight
of the present and tried to make the past work in the
21
^st
century. It didn’t.

Lizzie knew the answer now. She knew the
missing piece to Lily. She understood it all. Enough, anyway, to
finally put her to rest. Now Lizzie could live in her present and
not constantly wonder why things ended as they did. She could
direct better attention to herself. To not be discouraged by a
bank’s refusal. To rewrite her business plan and start cooking for
Nora’s aunt out of her own kitchen. To make herself better and
strong enough to run 26 miles.

Chapter
Thirty-Five

The night before the race, Lizzie shut
herself away in her room. In her sleep she saw her food poisoning
dream all over again. There was no coffee shop. It began with a
wedding of the narrowed faced boy and an innocent young girl. She
felt the teeth sink into her neck and opened her eyes. She wanted
the dream to stop there. She couldn’t feel the despair. Not that
morning. She needed hope.

She opened her eyes before dawn. It was too
early, but not worth the effort to go back to sleep. She read all
the messages of encouragement her friends sent and posted on her
Facebook wall. She knew it was foolish, but hoped there would be a
note from Ben. He knew she was running. Even if he didn’t want to
be with her, Lizzie was certain he wanted her to succeed.

But… as the memory of her dream lingered,
she realized she didn’t just want a note on her Facebook wall. She
wanted him. She went to his dormant profile, which still said
Chicago was his current location. She quickly typed out the lines
of Sonnet 116 and posted it. It was silly, especially when he
rarely went onto the social network. But it provoked enough anxiety
to propel her energy for the start of the race.

She didn’t think about Lily as she ran. Her
mind faded into the crowds of encouraging spectators. She
remembered the race and why she was really there. To prove that her
body overcame three decades of neglect and could do this impressive
thing. She listened to the beats of her music and pressed herself
forward. She looked towards road signs and supporters offering
oranges and camera crews, pushing towards each mile marker. As
Elizabeth Watson. As the 34 year old woman who got up and ran to do
something for her heart. Not the 21 year old girl who ran away from
it.

At mile 20, Meg jumped into the road. Lizzie
took out her headphones and paused to greet her and Nora on the
grassy side of Com Ave. She caught her breath and took a drink from
the water bottle they gave her. She was empowered by their support
to make it up Heartbreak Hill. Then she let herself think about the
end, when it would all be over.

She crossed the finish line amongst crowds
of cheering and accolades. She felt the sudden relief of no
movement and an overwhelming pang of yearning. No one was there to
congratulate her. She was alone. She found her way to a tent to get
water and relief to the end of her momentum.

Lizzie left the tent an hour later, feeling
the plunge of her isolation. All around her were accomplished
runners with their friends, their children, their lovers. Hugs and
kisses and words of praise. Why had she insisted her parents stay
home in Coldbrook? She found her phone and dialed the number to her
mom. She spoke briefly, giving the details of her time. Then she
made the excuse that friends were waiting for her. But they
weren’t. They were back in Newton because Nora was too pregnant to
deal with the crowd on Boylston Street. Was no one close by to
congratulate her accomplishment? She felt the exhaustion fuel her
emotion.

She wondered if Ben checked his Facebook. If
he saw the message from her and thought… anything except a desire
to ignore it. It was a foolish impulse. She would go home and
delete it and hope he didn’t see the message. She ran the marathon.
She did something Lily would never do. She loved Ben. She wanted
him. But maybe he was right. She was better off without them,
living the life Lily never had the chance to complete.

She gathered her wits and summoned the
strength of her runner’s high to walk to the train. Maybe Meg and
Nora would meet her at the next station so she wouldn’t have to
walk to Jefferson Park. She looked up to see her way through the
crowd. A few yards away, Oliver’s dark eyes smiled at her. “Well
done, Lizzie.”

Lizzie felt her tired heart leap. “You’re
here.”

“I didn’t go back to California.”

“You came here… to see me.”

“Of course I did,” he put his arm around
her.

“Will you take me home?” she let herself
lean against his shoulder. It felt strong and comfortable. She lost
notice of the crowd as they walked to his Jeep. She was grateful it
wasn’t far away and didn’t mind that she had to sit beside him as
they sat in the slow crawl out of the city.

“How are you feeling?” he broke their
silence when he finally made it to the Storrow exit. They could
have walked faster than the car moved, but the idea of standing on
her feet didn’t inspire her.

“Tired,” she breathed out.
“Exhilarated.”

“I bet,” he grinned wickedly.

She wouldn’t meet his eye to show she knew
what he was thinking. She didn’t know if she wanted… She was glad
to see him. To have her old friend there. Not the vampire who would
celebrate her endorphin rush. “I did it.”

“I knew you would.”

“Yeah,” she looked out the window, letting
the thought sting her that Ben wasn’t there. Why did Oliver come?
Wasn’t it just as well for her to stay away from him as well? “Why
didn’t you go back to California?”

“I think I’m going to take a job out here,”
he let out a happy breath and turned to smile at her. “After the
last lecture, they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I met the
team working on the research. I will miss the NCC students… but I
suspect I can recruit a couple of this year’s graduates.”

“Wow.”