An Honorable Wish (A Lady's Wish 2) (21 page)

T
ony entered the gloom of the house, his hands shaking. Walking away from that offer of a game had been a close thing.

The urge to beat Bartleby had tempted him like nothing had before. He itched to sit down at the table and beat the idiot at his own game, ruin the man so badly he would have no choice but to leave England. Tony had wanted it in a way he’d never wanted anything else.

Tony leaned against the wall and banged his head against it. How had he become so consumed by the games that he lost focus on what was important?

Juliet had saved him.

Tony had the sudden need to tell her, thank her, and beg her to take him back. With her by his side, he could fight off the temptation to gamble. With her, he had too much to lose to be willing to throw it all away on a deck of cards. With a sudden surge of energy, Tony started down the hall to the stairs to find her.

He collided with Nathaniel.

“Good God, you’re still in evening clothes,” Nathaniel said. “Have you even been to bed?”

Tony had been so busy trying to talk to Juliet and dealing with Bartleby, he’d forgotten how he was dressed.

“No matter,” Nathaniel said. “We need to talk.”

“Do we have to do this now?”

“Yes.”

Tony felt like a schoolboy again as he followed Nathaniel into the library. “This really isn’t necessary.”

“What the hell were you thinking? You could have lost it all.” Nathaniel pounded his fist on the desk.

“But I didn’t.” Tony realized that those words were the wrong ones to utter by the way Nathaniel’s face hardened. “Honestly, I regretted it the very next day. I came back to Beetham to make it right. I bought the estate.”

Nathaniel frowned, puzzled. “But you won it.”

“I took advantage of a man who was deep in his cups and desperate. I couldn’t keep it.” Tony refused to be sorry for what he’d done. He’d made a mistake. He’d fixed it. He wasn’t that stupid young man with his hand out for his brother to pay his debts. He’d done the honorable thing the best way he knew how. It might not have been perfect, but it was right.

“How much?” Nathaniel’s low voice broke through Tony’s thoughts.

“The value of the house minus what he owed. Chelsworth keeps his damned honor as a gentleman and has money to start again.”

“How can you afford it?”

“Don’t worry about that. I will handle it.”

“You think you can run an estate of that size?” Nathaniel laughed. “What do you know of agriculture?”

Tony frowned at his brother, always so quick to judge him. “I may not know about running the estate, but I know enough to hire the right man for the job. Give me some credit.”

Nathaniel’s eyebrows rose.

“Williams, a tenant on the estate, happens to be an expert. I’ve hired him to help me turn the estate around and start raising sheep,” Tony said. “Raw materials I can sell to you for our own textile mills.”

Nathaniel was quiet for a long moment. “You have thought this through.”

Tony finally sat in the chair across from the desk. He propped his arms on this knees. “For a long time. I need to get out of London. I can’t do it any longer.”

“Too much temptation?”

“I want what you have. Family, a wife who cares about me, purpose. London is filled with empty people living empty lives.”

“What about Juliet?”

Tony met his brother’s gaze, nothing hiding the way he felt. “I love her. With her I’m a better man. I’m the man I should be, not some shell of our father.”

“Have you told her this?”

Tony laughed harshly. “I’ve tried. She thinks I lied to her.”

“Lies of omission can be more damaging than straight-out lies with women,” Nathaniel said. “What are you going to do?”

Tony hung his head. “I don’t know. Give it some time? I need to move into the house and start the changes on the estate while it’s still spring. Bartleby left a huge mess.” He had to move forward. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, go back to the man he was.

If that meant he was alone, so be it.

Tony stood. “I need to change out of these evening clothes.” And get started with the rest of his life.

“What about Bartleby?”

Tony laughed harshly. “With any luck, the bastard will be gone from Beetham. He’s been ordered off the estate.” Tony didn’t mention the threat or the black eye Bartleby was sporting. “He’s been stealing from the estate since he arrived. Turns out his father lost the estate in a bet years ago. It was from his mother’s family.”

“So he had ties to the place as well,” Nathaniel said. “I take it he was trying to get the price down or run Chelsworth off.”

Tony nodded. “He wanted a chance to win it back.”

“And you said no?” Nathaniel stood and walked around the desk. “I’m proud of you, Tony.”

Tony’s eyes pricked with tears at the words. He had no idea that Nathaniel’s approval would mean so much, but it did. “Thanks.”

“Give Juliet time. She’ll come around.”

Tony had his doubts.

He made his way back to his room. The house was quiet, still. He passed Juliet’s room and paused, his hand on the door. He wanted so badly to open the door, pull her into his arms, and kiss her until she forgave him.

He wanted to bury himself inside her until they were one. Until she admitted she loved him. Until she could forgive and forget.

His hand moved to the door handle and gripped it. Would she give him a chance, let him in, accept him? Or would it be locked?

Just as he realized who he really was and found his honor, he lost the one person who made it happen.

Tony let his hand drop to his side, realizing this was something he couldn’t fix. He walked to his room and closed the door, the silence echoing like thunder in his head.

He leaned back against the door, remembering the times they were together. There would never be another woman in his life like Juliet.

She’d changed him.

But he couldn’t change her. He realized that now. He couldn’t make her see beyond the man he used to be.

If she didn’t see the man he’d become, then there was no hope for them.

Tony pulled at his cravat and tossed it aside.

It was time to move forward. If Juliet wanted to cling to what was, there was nothing he could do about it.

 

Juliet sat in the chair by the fire as the room grew dark. The gong had sounded hours ago. She should have gone down, but she couldn’t face Tony.

She knew she was acting childishly, but it didn’t erase the pain of his deception. And it
was
deception.

Did he expect her to be happy about living in a house he’s stolen from another man?

True, he’d won it fair and square, but did that make it right? And what if he did it again? Could she live with the anxiety of waiting for him to gamble away all they had?

Juliet tossed the book she’d been pretending to read aside. She hated these feelings. She hated missing Tony. Even the room itself reminded her of him. Of the times he had come to her, laughed with her, made love to her.

There was a knock at the door, and when Juliet answered a maid came in with a tray. Anne was right behind her. The maid set the tray on the dressing table and left. Anne closed the door.

“This is the last time you will eat in your room.” Anne’s voice was stern.

Juliet’s eyes stung. “I won’t see him again.”

“You won’t have to. He’s gone.”

Pain stabbed at her. It was what she wanted. Why did it hurt so much? “Where?”

“He moved to Horneswood. Chelsworth and Bartleby are both gone.” Anne moved to sit on the side of the bed. “You’re going to have to talk about this.”

“Soon.”

“I spoke with Nathaniel. There’s something you need to hear.”

“There’s nothing more to say on the subject.”

“Unfortunately, there is. Tony purchased Horneswood. He’d won the estate but couldn’t ruin the man. He bought the house from Chelsworth.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that he lied to me.”

Anne pinned her with a hard look. “Doesn’t it? He made a mistake. He put it right. What more do you want?”

“He should have told me.”

Anne shook her head. “You wouldn’t have listened. I know you, Juliet. You put people on pedestals. You expect the best from them, then want to walk away when they disappoint you.”

“I do not.”

“You weaved this fantasy of happily ever after in your head, of how perfect life was going to be with Tony. We don’t live in a romantic novel, Juliet. We’re human. We make mistakes. We disappoint one another. It is part of life.”

Juliet couldn’t believe that was true, any of it. Certainly she expected the best of people. What was wrong with that? And how many times had they disappointed her? More times than she could count, if the truth were told. “That has nothing to do with this.”

“That man loves you. Yes, he made a mistake, but he made it right. On his own and at great cost to himself, when he didn’t have to.”

“He should have told me.” Juliet stubbornly clung to her anger.

“Don’t blame the man for hiding something from you because he didn’t want to see you disappointed. That’s your problem, not his,” Anne said.

“I disagree.”

“Then you don’t deserve him,” Anne said. “You aren’t mature enough, woman enough for him. Tony is a good man, a really good man. If you let that slip away, then you are not the woman I thought you were.”

Juliet reared back, as if she’d been slapped.

“As it stands now, you’re ruined. Only marriage to Tony is going to fix that. The rules are the rules in Society. All of us have to live by them.

“Now you need to face up to those mistakes as a grown woman would, and stop pouting in your bedroom like a child. Eat. Sleep on what I said. Tomorrow I expect you to come downstairs for all your meals and rejoin this household.”

“What about the engagement?” Juliet asked. “How can I get out of that?”

“You can’t. Accept the fact that you have to marry. If you end your relationship with Tony, you’ll have to marry someone else,” Anne said. “This is the world we live in, Juliet.”

Juliet nodded. If she had to marry, then she’d marry someone else. She just couldn’t join her life to someone who would gamble away the future.

T
he next day, Juliet walked down the lane mindlessly. Perhaps she’d call on Penelope Williams. She needed someone who would tell her she was right, with her family completely against her.

Lady Danford had put it succinctly by calling her an idiot. Perhaps she was, but she had her principles.

The signs had been there. Thinking back, she should have been paying more attention instead of living in a fog of love. Sophia had gone as far as accusing Juliet of being in love with love.

Perhaps it had been about being in love with love. Tony’s touch had excited her, and his kiss was addicting. He was kind, considerate, handsome. He danced with her, laughed with her, made her feel like she was the only woman on earth. She’d been wrapped up in her own fairy tale.

Juliet felt as if she were seeing him for the first time now, as if she’d cleaned the smudges off her spectacles. She saw the flaws now, and those flaws scared her.

But God, she missed Tony. Juliet found herself vacillating daily; sometimes feeling the urge to run and beg Tony for forgiveness, at other times filled with the desire to scream at him for what he had done to her. Except she’d done it to herself. She’d allowed herself to believe in the fairy tale and had not paid attention to what was real.

Juliet had seen the loveless matches made during the Season, where having money was more important than love. She’d been escaping it for years, through her books. She had arrogantly thought heartache wouldn’t happen to her. She’d thought she’d never have to choose between money and love. Now love was before her and issues of money had frightened the love out of her.

What if Tony gambled it all away? What if he didn’t? What if gambling won? Marriage was forever, made longer by regrets. She’d die if she came to hate being married to him.

The what-ifs ran through her brain when she closed her eyes to sleep at night. They ran through her head as she walked the grounds each day. Juliet had discovered she was more like Sophia than she was comfortable admitting. She felt selfish and childish, but she had her principles.

But they weren’t keeping her warm at night.

She ached for Tony when she flipped through the pages of the naughty book. She ended up putting it away, burying it in the bottom of the chest in her room, hoping out of sight, out of mind would work.

It was the same with the jewels. She’d stared at them, imagining Tony’s fingers on her skin while she was wearing them. She had to give them back. She’d given them to Ian to give to Tony.

She found herself at the front of the Lodge again. Memories were everywhere. Juliet wrapped her arms around herself as if she could compact the pain into one small part of her heart.

“Miss Juliet,” Ian McDonald called out softly.

She turned and found him walking toward her from the stables. He looked grim. “Yes?”

“I took the jewels back to Tony.”

Juliet longed to ask how Tony was, but she didn’t dare. She didn’t want to feel worse than she already did. “Thank you. It wasn’t right to keep them.”

“He’s hurting.”

She didn’t need to hear that. “I hope his pain will be of short duration.”

“He came here to make it right. He had no intention of keeping the house or ruining Chelsworth.”

“Anne told me.” Juliet thought about saying she didn’t care, but she did.

“He used all his savings. That’s the part that Bartleby didn’t tell you, Miss Juliet. Tony made sure Chelsworth walked away with funds.”

“I hated thinking Tony could so easily ruin a man.”

“If that’s how you feel, then why give the jewels back? Unless you really don’t love him.”

“What if Tony does it again? I’ve lived through it once. I can’t live through it again. Gambling is a sickness, Ian. I’ve seen what it’s done to my brother. I’ve seen how my father ruthlessly exacted fortunes from men who lost to him in a damned card game.” She looked at the house. “Everyone loses eventually.”

“Yes, they do. But when Tony won that estate, it changed something in him. It forced him to look at his life. He didn’t like it. He looked at this as a new beginning. He took it as a sign that it was time to take a different path.” Ian looked at her long and hard. “He was strong and honorable enough to give Chelsworth a way out of his dilemma. He was smart enough to see where the road was going and get off.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because if there is the right woman for him, it’s you. You make him a better man. He told me that.”

“I can’t.”

“I never took you for a coward, Miss Juliet, but if you can’t forgive him, then let him go. He deserves a woman who will stand beside him, not some girl who puts him on a pedestal. Perhaps you aren’t woman enough for him.”

Juliet watched Ian walk away from her. It was all she could do to keep standing, the pain was so great. She stumbled to the stables and leaned against the wall, closing her eyes against the pain.

Ian was right. Tony deserved better. Could she be better? She didn’t know. She wandered into the stables and found herself at the stall where Lucy was kept. The horse watched her approach.

Juliet stroked the muzzle of the horse, for once not afraid of the large animal. Tony had taught her that. He’d taught her that her fears were unfounded.

Could this fear be unfounded too?

 

Tony sat in the dark library going through the ledgers, trying to figure out which accounts Bartleby had skimmed the money from. The man was gone, but Tony was stuck with trying to make sense of the accounts he’d left behind.

Juliet was so much better at this than he.

He quashed that thought quickly. Juliet wouldn’t be here to help with the household accounts. Tony was just going to have to deal with that.

“You look like hell,” Nathaniel said from the doorway.

“Why didn’t someone tell me you’d arrived?” Tony said, closing the ledgers and setting them aside.

“It might have something to do with you biting everyone’s head off every time someone speaks to you,” Nathaniel said. “I remember feeling that way.”

“I suppose you have a reason to be here?” Tony muttered. Part of him wanted news from home. Or rather, news of Juliet. Ian had little to say about her except that she was crying a great deal, which made Tony feel lower than low.

“I thought I’d come see what you’ve bought. You are going to need some furniture.”

“Chelsworth sold what he could.” Tony had intended for Juliet to buy what she wanted. “I haven’t got around to looking yet.”

“There are some things up in the attic at the Lodge, if you want them. Some old pictures too, to fill in the blank spots,” Nathaniel said. “If you want to come over to look.”

The last thing Tony needed was to see Juliet. If he did, he’d probably snatch her and keep her until she was pregnant or agreed to marry him, or both. Both sounded good to him. “How is Grandmother?”

“Giving Juliet hell every chance she gets.”

“She ought to leave Juliet alone.” Why bully the girl? It wasn’t going to make things any easier.

“The gossip in the village has reached a fever pitch, so my wife informs me. Are those the jewels I gave you?”

Tony glanced at the velvet bag on the desk. He hadn’t touched it since Ian had brought it by. “Juliet returned them.”

“Are you going to sell them?”

“I’ve thought about it.” He couldn’t do it, though. But he also couldn’t see giving them to another woman. Only Juliet. He picked up the bag and tossed it to Nathaniel. “Take them with you. Put them back in the safe.”

Nathaniel frowned. “You might want to give them to someone else.”

“Perhaps,” Tony said, solely to appease his brother.

Nathaniel took the pouch and tucked it into his coat. “Do you want to show me the grounds? Frankly, I’m curious why you’d give up London for this.”

“Are you serious?”

“I knew you were getting too deep in the wrong crowds.”

“You never said anything.”

“You’re a grown man, Tony. At some point I had to let you take your own path, no matter how much I hated watching it.”

“Did Grandmother make you say that?”

Nathaniel chuckled. “No, she just reminded me that I had no say in your life’s direction anymore. You are your own man now.”

Tony was silent for a long moment as he looked around the room. It was true that he felt pain that Juliet wasn’t going to be part of his future, but he was excited about investing in the land. The house was smaller than the Lodge, but the land was perfect for what he wanted to do. “Would you care to take a ride through the pasture?”

“That sounds good. How did the tenants take the news that you’re the new owner? I take it they were glad to see the last of Bartleby.”

“I’ve had to invest in some of the housing. We’ve been working to fix some of the roofs before the next rain.” Tony had been thankful for the work. The more physical the labor, the less energy he had to focus on other things.

“Nothing like hard work to take a man’s mind off his problems. Who did you get to replace Bartleby?”

“Mr. Williams has agreed to take the position temporarily. He knows more about this land than I ever will.” Tony knew the man felt bad about his disfigurement, but at least he could still work. There was nothing like work to make a man feel better about himself. He’d learned that from Williams himself.

“The Williams family is well liked in Beetham. I’m glad you could use his expertise. What fields were you planning to turn to pasture?”

“Let me show you.” With that, the brothers headed outside and mounted their horses. Tony turned his horse in the direction of the back pasture. “The land that adjoins the Lodge was where I planned the first pasture. It hasn’t been enclosed yet.”

They rode in silence to the hill that overlooked the Lodge. A river ran between Tony’s land and his brother’s. He could see the house in the distance. It made him think of Juliet; her bedroom window faced his property. “How is Juliet?”

“I was wondering if you were going to ask.”

“It hurts, but I have to know.” He looked at his brother. “Does that make sense?”

Nathaniel nodded. “Be glad you have Horneswood to escape to.” Nathaniel had hidden in the library while he had worked through his own issues with Anne.

“What is it about these Townsend women, to make us feel this way?”

“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Nathaniel said.

Tony stared out at the Lodge. “I just don’t understand. I thought she saw me for who I was.”

“Juliet has always been the imaginative one. Too many novels, if you ask me,” Nathaniel said. “But I see her point.”

Tony frowned at his brother. “In what way?”

“Let me ask you this: What was your wager when Chelsworth threw Horneswood on the table?”

Tony squirmed in his saddle. He hadn’t told anyone about it yet. “Several thousand pounds.”

“Bloody hell, Tony. What would you have done if you lost?”

“I didn’t. Honestly, I think through what happened that night and know that someone was watching over me. It could have easily gone the other way.”

“The fact that you didn’t even think about throwing away a fortune is exactly what frightens the hell out of Juliet,” Nathaniel said. “Her only memories of her father are of him winning and losing large fortunes. Then their brother left them destitute, living in the cottage, surviving on the charity of Grandmother and others.”

“We have the same memories,” Tony said. “Father shot himself because he’d lost it all in a game and couldn’t pay.”

“It always surprised me that you’d even consider sitting down to a loo table to begin with. I couldn’t do it.”

“I thought I was better at the game than Father. I wouldn’t make the same reckless wagers he did. In the end, I was just like him.”

“Luckily, you won. I don’t think I could have come up with that much money to cover your debts.”

Tony met his brother’s gaze. “I wouldn’t have asked for the money.” He looked back at the house. “I didn’t think much of it when Chelsworth wagered the house. I’d seen men do it before. Hell, it happened daily at some of the clubs.

“But when I won, I watched Chelsworth’s face as all hope faded away. He needed to win. He’d risked it all and lost. I saw something of our father in his face at that moment and knew I had to stop.”

“You plan on gambling like that again?”

“Never.” The word exploded out of his mouth. “I have far too much to risk now. There are people who are depending on me. I wouldn’t just be throwing away my money but the livelihood of ten other families.”

“Did you tell Juliet that?”

Tony frowned and looked away. He’d tried. He’d wanted to. He’d needed to. “She never gave me the chance.”

“This dilemma needs to be sorted out. While her brother is away, I have to act in his stead.”

“Not that he really cared one way or the other about his sisters,” Tony said.

“The fact remains that you and Juliet both were behaving in an inappropriate manner. All of that can be overlooked if you marry, but if you don’t . . .”

“Juliet will be ruined.”

“Could she be with child?”

“Yes.”

“Have you given any thought to where that leaves her?”

“Every damn day.”

Nathaniel shot him an angry look. “Did you know that Mrs. Williams will no longer let her daughter speak with Juliet because of her ‘wild’ ways?”

Tony said nothing. He hadn’t known, but he wasn’t surprised.

“If things keep up this way, I’ll be stuck with both of Anne’s sisters for the rest of my natural life,” Nathaniel muttered. “Make it right and take the woman off my hands. Please.”

“In other words, I have to marry her.”

“Yes.”

“The woman doesn’t know her own mind. She can’t forgive me or trust me. What kind of start is that?”