An Ideal Wife (3 page)

Loud Bollywood remix music created an energetic atmosphere at a much talked about discotheque at Worli, which had more than 500 guests present at 10:30pm (too early for a nightclub). It was an absolutely charged, throbbing nightclub, with one of the city’s largest dance floors.

Each night they would play a crazy selection of music, especially live mixes by famous DJs through a powerful PA system. Today it was the turn of Bollywood remixed with regional songs. The DJ was doing an exceptional job at remixing, triggering everyone to hit the dance floor.

On the other side of the dance floor, bartenders were busy mixing deadly concoctions. One of them was showing his juggling skills with four fire bottles. I bet many of the agency staff were ready to trade their corporate jobs with the juggler as he was getting more girl attention than any other hunk in the nightclub.

For them the party started with a bang as the DJ agreed to play their favourite number and it took them merely 10 seconds to hit the dance floor. After dancing, just for his colleagues’ sake, Sameer decided to crash on the couch with another Amstel Light beer. It was fun to watch his male colleagues hitting on girls shamelessly. No different was the story with his female colleagues as they were able to easily extract free drinks from desperate men seeking ‘benefits’ in return.

After a while, many of his colleagues asked him to join them on the dance floor but he refused, firm as a rock.

‘This guy is quite different,’ said one of the girls.

‘I have never seen him hitting on any girl,’ Jimmy spoke amusedly.

‘Is he interested in something else?’ Another girl added a new dimension to the discussion by pointing towards a gay man on the floor.

Everyone burst into laughter but Sameer decided to stay cool. They continued poking fun at him but he just continued to guzzle more Amstel Lights. After sometime, they all got tired and came back to the lounge area where Sameer was still enjoying his beer.

‘You are the thickest skinned person I have met,’ vented one of the girls.

‘Thank you,’ Sameer replied with a gentle smile.

‘Are you sure your tool is in place?’ Another girl inquired.

Everyone in the group started laughing.

‘Shut up guys, I am serious,’ she spoke with genuine concern in her voice.

‘Oh I didn’t know that I had to be cheap and grope-y to prove I’m a man,’ sarcasm was clear in Sameer’s tone.

Sameer looked around and saw sly smiles exchanged between his colleagues.

‘If I want to, I can dance with any girl in this nightclub,’ Sameer sprang like a wounded tiger as soon as his manhood was challenged.

Everyone looked at each other and started laughing again.

‘I am not kidding you losers! Wanna bet?’ Sameer’s male ego took over his sensibilities; or perhaps it was the optimum dose of Amstel Lights that was talking.

The moment they heard those golden words from his mouth they looked at each other and shouted in unison, ‘Jimmy!!!!’

Jimmy, who was coming towards them, dropped his drinks right where he was.

‘Jimmy bete, teri toh lag gayi! Here you lose another one; they always find a way for you to lose money. Now what?’
Jimmy murmured.

He walked slowly towards them, with absolutely no knowledge of the group’s conversation challenging Sameer’s manhood. He took an empty seat right opposite Sameer, pulled out a few 1000-rupee notes from his wallet and put them on the table.

‘Here you go,’ his dejected tone was testimony to how habitual it was for him to lose bets to Sameer.

‘What is this?’ Inquired one of the colleagues.

‘This time I am not prepared to lose any more, so just take it without any bet,’ Jimmy responded.

Sameer smiled at Jimmy and the rest of the group triumphantly. Not liking the whole situation, one of the girls picked up the money and put it back in Jimmy’s pocket. Jimmy just looked at her with a big question mark on his face.

‘You are not going to lose this one, trust me on this,’ she said firmly.

‘And it’s the right time to take revenge for all your losses,’ another colleague added the usual
masala.

Jimmy was still confused.

‘Sameer and a girl! Have you ever seen him with one?’ Probed another one.

Jimmy’s entire face answered in a big NO.

‘But what has that got to do with the bet?’ Jimmy was still perplexed.

And then once he heard it all, he just couldn’t believe his luck. He started looking around but wasn’t able to find anyone suitable to throw a challenge at Sameer. After struggling for a few more minutes his eyes lit up as he saw an extremely beautiful girl entering the club with two hulks. Sameer could not see her, as he was looking to the other side.

‘What if you are unable to dance with a girl?’ Jimmy asked, controlling his face from breaking into an impish grin, making sure Sameer doesn’t get any hint of what’s cooking in his head.

‘I’m ready to bet a lakh, buddy,’ Sameer’s beer could talk really big.

‘One lakh!’ Jimmy was astonished.

‘
Kyon phat gayi bete?’
Sameer taunted.

Jimmy was speechless and looked at Sameer who winked and took another large gulp of his beer, literally busting at the seams, his chest swollen proudly.

Jimmy thought for a few seconds, looked at the beautiful girl again, reassured himself and then smiled cunningly.

‘Done! There is your dancing partner,’ he said pointing towards the same girl who had just entered the club with the hulks.

An overconfident Sameer polished off his beer, winked at Jimmy, looked at the other colleagues with arrogance and then turned back to see who was the lucky one. His jaws dropped seeing the beauty of the girl. He kept looking with eyes wide open, thinking of a suitable way to approach the stunner. Right then one of the hulks (twice his size) offered her a drink.

‘Jimmy beta aaj sahi game khel gaya, Sameer,’
he murmured to himself, gulping a little nervously.

He looked back at his colleagues and they were all looking at him as if it was his last day on earth. Sameer gathered all the courage in the world and gave himself a mental
‘Bum pe laat’.

He got up and slowly walked towards the girl while occasionally looking back at his evil colleagues. As soon as he reached closer to the target, another hulk came near her. Sameer imagined that the man had thrown a punch at him and he was trying to protect his face covering it with his hands. He turned back and realised his friends were laughing and booing him. He pumped himself again, murmuring,
‘Sameer, you have never lost a bet in your life and you can’t lose this one,’
and slowly walked up to the girl.

‘How much is the bet?’ The girl asked before Sameer could utter a word.

A stunned Sameer stood as still as a mannequin.

‘Hello,’ she snapped her fingers.

Sameer was still lost in his thoughts.

‘Don’t waste my time, just fish,’ she taunted his dumbstruck silence.

‘One lakh,’ Sameer said, gathering his wits about him.

‘25 grand will be mine,’ she offered him a glass of wine.

‘Sure, but the bet is to dance with me,’ Sameer replied after accepting the glass.

‘That would be another 25 grand then,’ she upped the fee.

‘Done!’ Sameer conceded.

‘But I must tell you, you are such a bitch,’ Sameer spoke with a tinge of sarcasm.

‘That’s my work darling…here is my card, if you ever need me just call,’ she smiled and winked as she handed him the card of a premium escort service.

Sameer took the card with an even bigger smile, turned towards his friends and raised his wine glass. Everyone was stunned to see what had just happened without knowing the real deal.

‘Sameer is damn lucky, man!’ Said one colleague.

‘No man, I think this guy here is the unluckiest person ever!’ Another colleague pointed towards Jimmy, laughing. ‘Not sure how Jimmy manages to lose even sure shot wins,’ she said with mock lament.

Sameer could not hear what they were saying but he could easily understand everything by just looking at Jimmy’s stunned face. Without wasting time Sameer steered the beautiful girl to the dance floor with a huge smile on his face.

They started dancing and after a while she whispered in his ear, ‘Who is the lucky one today?’ Sameer smiled and pointed towards Jimmy.

She also smiled, went to Jimmy and dragged him to the dance floor. Jimmy was still unable to understand how it had all happened. All their colleagues also joined them on the dance floor. Not sure how the DJ read the situation so well, but he played
‘Panuti, he is such a loser’
song from the film
‘Housefull’.
They all burst into laughter hearing the song but Jimmy was too shocked to even react. The beautiful girl tried to cheer him up by dancing close to him. It worked like a charm and brought a huge smile to Jimmy’s face.

2

The world famous bet

D
ays were passing as normally as they could. The ‘Shaggy Noodles’ client was more than happy with the campaign. Sameer was surprised to see the sales figure of ‘Shaggy Noodles’, which surpassed his projections. Sometimes, he wondered how we, the Indians, have evolved over the years. He couldn’t help but smile thinking, ‘
Who could have thought of a noodle named Shaggy when we were growing up?’

The Shaggy Noodles account turned out to be the biggest mouthpiece for their agency — even more so than the staff of the agency. They got several clients thanks to his recommendations. As business grew, all his teammates started getting handsome salaries and bonuses.

During the same time, Sameer showed his considerate side to his colleagues in office; helping them finish work within deadlines and with efficiency. People on the road felt his warmth too. He helped many elderly people along the way. His society kids were the happiest lot as he continued to give them batting tips (oh, I forgot to mention that Sameer was a state-level opener).

Surprisingly, the two other constants in his life: non-belief in God and his penchant for placing bets didn’t change. He believed only weak people talk about destiny and God. The stronger ones make their own destiny with their hard work and intelligence. He had never lost a bet in his life and sometimes, contrary to his show of confidence, he did get worried about the Law of Averages catching up with him.

One other constant in his life was weekend parties at his house. As most of his colleagues started getting married, the numbers at his parties started dwindling. Though he didn’t like it, he had no control over it.

During one such party at his place, the unthinkable happened. It was the first such party where his colleagues came without their significant others. All were having good fun and they started sharing how their lives had changed after marriage.

‘I wish I was still single,’ Jimmy started the topic.

‘I am still living like one,’ Mickey spoke excitedly.

‘How come?’ Neeta enquired.

‘She sleeps facing one side and I sleep facing the other,’ Mickey responded in a flash.

‘Is everything fine with your married life?’ Neeta continued to probe.

‘Yeah, as such everything is fine but it happens only once and that too on alternate days,’ Mickey lamented.

Everyone laughed at Mickey’s rather candid admission. It was his drinks that were doing the talking.

‘What?’ Probed Sheena.

‘Not sure if she is really dumb or acting like one,’
thought Sameer.

‘Are you sure you are married?’ Mickey asked with a question mark on his face.

Sheena felt embarrassed, as she understood that Mickey was talking about sex.

‘Everyone can’t be a sex maniac like you, Mickey,’ Meetu spoke in between to shift focus from Sheena’s embarrassment.

‘Weren’t you before your marriage?’ Mickey retorted.

Everyone started laughing again and Meetu looked uncomfortable with this self-inflicted embarrassment.

‘Everyone, let’s just eat the pizzas, they are getting cold,’ Sameer steered them away from the awkward discussion.

He could easily see the relief in Meetu’s eyes as everyone went to grab their slices.

‘Thanks,’ Meetu mouthed.

Sameer nodded with a reassuring smile.

‘When are you getting married Sameer?’ Jimmy came up with this unexpected one.

‘How did my
shaadi
plans come into the picture?’ Sameer spoke with genuine surprise in his voice.

‘Picture? What picture? Who’s making the picture? I also want to act in it,’ an inebriated Mickey (another drink in his hands) was heard from a far corner.

‘Nothing man, just be careful! You might drop your drink,’ Sameer chided.

‘Don’t change the topic,’ said Sheena.

‘I am not in any hurry,’ Sameer replied.

‘You are like already 29, man,’ Jimmy re-entered the discussion.

‘Last I checked it wasn’t a crime in Mumbai to be unmarried at 29. By the way, why are we discussing this topic?’ Sameer was a little hot under the collar now.

‘Nothing doing, we want an answer,’ Neetu demanded.

‘With stories of your married lives, I feel I am better off as a bachelor,’ Sameer raised hands in surrender, anticipating verbal attack from his friends.

‘At last, the great Sameer fears something,’ Jimmy teased him instead. Seemed like this was more a topic of mirth than argument.

‘It’s not like that…’

‘Then please explain what it is like,’ Sheena stressed each word to convey that they really wanted to make him squirm.

‘I will most certainly get married…’ Sameer replied.

‘But when?’ Neeta just wouldn’t let it rest.

‘When I find my ideal wife!’ Sameer replied quick, and clearly without any thought to what reaction that statement would provoke.

The explosion of laughter from the guests took Sameer by surprise. Was this a joke to them? Even Mickey was laughing behind his glass of bitters.

‘Jai ho gurudev,’
Mickey bowed in obeisance.

‘There is no such thing as an ideal wife, buddy,’ Rajesh announced.

‘I am sure I can find one,’ Sameer replied.

‘Jai ho gurudev,’
Mickey said again, touching Sameer’s feet.