An Idiot in Love (a laugh out loud comedy) (30 page)

              ‘Fair enough.’

              ‘What about you?’ I wondered. ‘Why are you out here staring at the scenery when you could be inside those depressing walls playing tennis?’

              ‘The tennis courts are outside,’ she said without fault.

              ‘You know what I mean.’

              She shrugged again. ‘I like it here, it’s peaceful. I like the silence; I like having the time to think.’

              She looked into the middle distance, as if to emphasise what she said. A mellow breath escaped her lungs. I followed her gaze.

              It occurred to me that I was ruining her peace; I was spoiling her thinking time. But I reasoned that if she minded she would have said something, she certainly wouldn’t have hinted to me to come back here today, nor would she have been pleased to see me.

              In the distance I could hear the sound of a disgruntled patient, the noises filtered through the chirping crickets like a foghorn in the darkness. The patient was shouting obscenities and screaming as he ran away, his voice growing fainter and fainter.

              I waited for the silence to return and thought about mentioning something to Beth, but she hadn’t reacted, she was still looking ahead contemplatively. I decided against ruining her mood.

              ‘It
is
very peaceful out here,’ I said, anticlimactically.

              She laughed. Her face was alight when she turned to me. ‘That happens every now and then,’ she said, referring to the crazy outburst. ‘You get used to it.’

              I wondered how long she had taken to get used to it, how long she had been locked away in this remote part of town, discarded at the top of a hill inside a busy complex, where her unassuming nature sought out the quietest and remotest part.

              I didn’t want to delve into the reasons she was here; I didn’t want to scare her away. If she was going to tell me she would do so in her own time.

              I also didn’t want to have to tell her my story. I didn’t know which one to give her. I didn’t want to tell her I had stripped naked and stalked a girl I had only just met, but I equally didn’t want to admit I had walked the streets naked with a stolen leg, and lied to a psychiatrist because I fancied her.

              An hour after she had sat down, Beth stood up to leave. This time she stalled before walking away, we exchanged stares; she tapped me gently on the shoulder and said: ‘see you tomorrow?’

              It wasn’t a kiss, but it was contact, intent.

              The following day I was twenty minutes early, eager to see her and equally eager to get away from Donald who was waving his penis around like it was the rubber end of a skipping rope.

              She came on time -- her footsteps coinciding with the twelve bells from a distant, unseen clock-tower -- and she brought food.

              We had a mini-picnic under the shade of the tree. The day darkened quickly and a chill cut through the garden, but neither of us mentioned it. We ate in silence, and then talked about anything that came to mind. It was easy to talk to her and I had never experienced that ease with any female, there had always been a degree of forced conversation as I had rarely felt comfortable and hadn’t wanted to say anything stupid in that state of awkwardness.

              It had been different with Melissa of course, but only after we had been going out for several weeks. And even then the conversation was tinged with a feeling that Melissa wanted to be somewhere else, talking with some
body
else.

              Beth told me about her family. We had a few things in common.

              She had no brothers and sisters. Her mother was overprotective and wore the trousers in their family home, and her dad had been a loveable embarrassment to her as a child.

              ‘I remember when I had my first girlfriend,’ I began to tell her, looking beyond her eyes in recollection. ‘I reluctantly let her meet my parents, they had to drive us somewhere, I think I cringed and gritted my teeth the entire journey. He had this whole thing about mentioning
girlfriend
in every sentence,
every
few seconds.’ I smiled and looked across. She looked at me in surprise, quickly turning her head to face me. Something seemed to be forming in her mind, but she quickly shrugged it off, the smile returned.

              ‘In the first hour I think he mentioned it over a hundred times, he also managed to fit in half a dozen quips about thinking I was gay. I seem to recall him telling her if she knew what I got up to alone in my bedroom she would think twice about being shaking my hand, let alone being my girlfriend.’ I grinned, ‘He has a way with words.’

              Beth nodded in recognition. ‘I’ve heard it before. I think all dads are the same. For
boys
anyway,’ she clarified. ‘With girls they’re more protective. My dad never took his eye off my boyfriends, he insisted they were all after one thing and he didn’t want any of them getting that,
ever
.’

              ‘To be fair most teenagers
are
just after one thing, and if my teens are anything to go by, we don’t get very much of it.”

              She grinned, a flicker of pity in her eyes. ‘When I was seventeen,’ she continued, ‘he found a pack of condoms in my boyfriend’s coat pocket and he lost it, he pinned him up against the wall and shouted at him for half an hour.’

              The air had grown thin and cold, she wrapped her arms across herself and instinctively moved closer to me on the seat, we were touching now, but only just. I thought about putting my arm around her but dismissed it, the moment didn’t seem right. Not yet.

              ‘Poor kid was blubbering by the end,’ she recalled. ‘No sympathy from my dad though. He kicked his sobbing arse out of the house.’

              I smiled and made a mental note to bring presents if I ever met her dad. ‘What did you do during this?’

              Beth shrugged impassively. ‘I let him. I wasn’t sexually active, he said he wasn’t either. At the time I figured he was sleeping with someone else, so I guess a part of me enjoyed watching my dad shout at him.’ She laughed and then let a look of shame spread across her face, she turned to me, ‘Disturbing huh?’

              ‘Not in the least,’ I told her. ‘
Was
he sleeping with someone else?’

              ‘Probably, you know what teenage boys are like,’ she winked and gave me a gentle shove with her shoulder. ‘Most of them anyway,’ she added with a mocking grin.

              ‘I got my fair share,’ I affirmed.

              ‘I’m sure you did, stud.’

              ‘There just wasn’t much sex involved,’ I finished.

              She grinned; a soft laugh escaped her lips. She looked down at her folded arms, eyeing up her watch. ‘I better get going,’ she said reluctantly. ‘Tomorrow?’

              ‘Of course.’

              We met in that little piece of heaven every day for the rest of the week. We sat side by side, closer and closer.

              On the sixth day we went for a walk, she said she wanted to show me around the grounds. We walked arm in arm around the building, bypassing a flurry of nurses, patients and activity. A few patients knew her and called to her, she merely smiled back; I didn’t probe any deeper.

              Now that I had established she liked me and there was potential for a relationship, I couldn’t stop thinking about her illness, about what had driven her to stay in the hospital. How long was she in for? Would I have to remain a patient just to be with her?

              On the seventh day we kissed. It was brief, and nothing more than a soft peck on the lips, but it was the most rewarding kiss I ever had. It wasn’t a kiss leading to awkward, submissive or cheapened sex; it was something softer, something with meaning.

              That day I planned to tell her that I was due to leave the following morning. I was going to ask her why she was in the hospital and whether I would be able to visit, but the kiss changed everything; it melted my mind and I watched her leave without saying a word.

              We arranged to meet again the following day; I turned my mind to making sure I would be there for the meeting.

              I was short of options and time, so I decided to go with what had brought me to the hospital in the first place.

              In my room I stripped naked, much to the delight of Donald who began comparing penis sizes. He won.

              ‘Keith. Mine is much bigger Keith.’

              I was sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to work up the courage. It was going to be harder than when I stormed out of Ashley’s house. There was no immediate desperation to get away from a scary woman for one thing, there was also little chance of being tackled to the floor and sedated by an army of angry nurses.

              I wasn’t devoid of motivation though. If I didn’t commit to my half-arsed plan there was a good chance I would never see Beth again, forgoing some future mental breakdown; which, admittedly, was a likely possibility.

              ‘You’ll be hard pressed to find one bigger Donald.’

              Donald beamed brightly.

              I took in a deep breath, walked to the threshold, gave myself a few moments to clear my head and then ran into the hallway. My bare feet slapped the cold corridor floors and soaked an instant and chilling cold from their clammy surfaces; my genitalia swung freely in the sterilised air.

              I hadn’t asked Donald to strip naked, but he had done so when I did. It was so natural for him that I didn’t object. I also hadn’t asked him to join me on my naked jog, but after a half dozen strides he was pacing merrily by my side.

              We passed a confused patient with a sedated look on his face; an exasperated female nurse who wanted to do something but didn’t know what; and a strapping male nurse who did know what to do, he began chasing us and calling after us.

              I picked up the pace and Donald kept in stride. Behind us another two nurses joined the chase, their voices bellowing angrily at us, simultaneously issuing orders to other staff. Before long an alarm was raised, a throbbing sound of flashing alert rang violently throughout the thin, lifeless corridors, alerting everyone in the vicinity.

              I took turning after turning down the winding hallways which seemed to stretch on forever. I was convinced I could keep the chase up for a while, grab the attentions of the entire hospital and annoy them enough to want to keep me inside the walls indefinitely, but that plan didn’t work.

              We entered a long stretch of corridor, the goal of a large double door at its tip, but in front of the door, jumping into life and realisation, were two more nurses; their statures juxtaposed in Laurel and Hardy fashion.

              They began to run towards us, their footsteps thudded into the solid floor, adding to the cacophony of noise. One of them shouted something, I ignored them.

              A door ahead was ajar. The shadows of activity beyond sprinkled through into the hallway.

              Donald was still running enthusiastically by my side, striding exaggerated and merry strides like Forrest Gump, his mammoth penis swinging back and forth like a fleshy pendulum.

              I grabbed his elbow and pulled him towards me. I shouldered the door open. It swung, clattered into the stopper and sprang back. On the other side I forced it shut and gestured for Donald to get up against it with me.

              Only then did I turn around to look into the room; a sea of horrified faces looked back. All of them were staring in our direction, but none of their eyes were directed at me.

              I heard a few of them muttering above the angry calls and footfalls from the security guards and nurses outside.

              ‘Oh my god it’s huge.’

              ‘You mean you’ve never seen it before?’

              I felt the handle twist down, the tip of the cold metal brushed against the small of my back; a small force was applied to the door as they tested the resistance. This was followed by a short pause, some instructions, and then a mighty shove. The door opened a few inches, sliding me and Donald over the carpeted floor, before it slammed heavily back into its frame.

              More instructions. Someone warned against further shoves, another voice called for backup, a third prepared to negotiate a way inside.

              I relaxed a little.

              Ahead of me, spreading across the entire side of the room, were four large windows. Through the glass, which had been smeared with dust and heat, I could see the distant garden where I had spent so much time with Beth.

              The walls at the back of the room were lined with crude canvases. The middle of the floor was littered with easels, fresh canvases and a dozen surprised faces.

              ‘I’m sorry,’ I told all the expectant faces, pulling some of their attentions away from the giant penis currently swinging inches from my leg, whilst my own tottered about inconspicuously. ‘We’ll be finished in a mo--’

              I paused. The teacher was standing at the front. I had seen her briefly in my periphery but hadn’t taken anything in. I cursed inwardly and felt my heart sink.

              ‘Beth?’

              She was standing rigidly, shocked like the others, her attention on my face and not Donald's dick.

              ‘Wh--wh-- what are you doing here?’

              ‘I work here,’ she said slowly. ‘This is my class.’

              She looked around the class as if the emphasise, I followed her gaze. At the back one of the students was still painting, he either hadn’t noticed the naked ambush or didn’t care about it. His tongue tickled the corner of his mouth as his hand worked painstakingly on the canvas.

              I turned back to face her, waited for her eyes to meet mine. ‘You’re a
teacher?
’