An Imperfect Circle (26 page)

“
I’ve heard the bathroom gossip,” I scowl, resisting the urge to beat him for being the reason my ears almost bled.

“
I get gossiped about in the girls bathrooms?” He grins like this is good news.

I nod sulkily.
“You and Matt and Ian.”

“
I don’t want to know the gossip about them,” he recoils in disgust. “I’ve probably already heard it from them anyway.”

“
I’m not repeating the stuff about you either,” I scowl. This time I actually pinch him because he almost seemed proud and I’m not okay with that.

“
Please, I’d love to know the shit they come up with,” he chuckles.

“
Well, you were there too,” I frown. He should know roughly what the rumours are.

“
Was I?” He raises an eyebrow at me. “Have you ever seen me with any girl but you? Have I so much as touched any other girl?”

“
Not in front of me,” I shrug.

He tips my chin up with his finger and thumb so I have to look at him.
“Not at all, Elise.”

“
I don’t follow.”

“
I’m a virgin, Elise,” he says, completely unabashedly.

My jaw drops open for two reasons. Firstly, he seems proud of that fact and I like him a little bit more because of it. Secondly… did he just say he was a virgin?

“What?” I recoil in shock.

“
A virgin,” he repeats.

“
But… all the girls at school.”

“
Are talking shit,” he shakes his head in amusement. “Nobody’s ever said it in front of me and I don’t deny it because it’s easier than explaining. People think I’m just like Matt and Ian by association. I’m not.”

I know that. I’ve always known he was different. I just… I wasn’t expecting this.

“So you’ve never…”

“
Done anything more than kissing with anybody,” he clarifies.

“
You’ve kissed somebody else?” I latch onto this with a scowl because this is not okay with me.

“
I held onto the idea that you’d come back for years, Elise, but it wasn’t easy to stay positive. I gave up for a while and tried to replace you. I stopped when I realised it wasn’t possible. No lips ever felt right except for these,” he brushes his thumb over my lips and I pout and kiss his thumb because that makes it a little bit better but I’m still not happy.

At least that’s all he’s done. He’s a virgin. I’m still blown away by this revelation.

But then I think about it.

And it’s not okay anymore.

“What? What is it?” He demands when he sees the horror wash over my face.

He’s a virgin and I’m not. He’s pure and clean and I’m broken and dirty. This can never work.

“Stop it,” he growls, pulling me close and forcing me to meet his eyes. “You can’t keep doing this, Elise. You need to talk to me.”

“
You’re a virgin and I’m not,” I whisper, shame permeating through me. “You don’t deserve to be stuck with somebody like me. Somebody unclean.”

“
For fuck’s sake, Elise,” Karl snaps, grabbing me by the shoulders and wrenching me away from him.

If looks could kill. He looks seriously livid.

“If I ever hear you talk about yourself like that again… I’ll… I don’t fucking know what I’ll do but just don’t fucking do it.” He must be really pissed because he usually tries not to swear too much around me.

“
But I’m not a virgin,” I manage, ignorant to the way my voice is shaking because my mind is a mess.

“
Have you… with somebody since that night?” He prompts with a cringe and I know he really doesn’t want to ask me.

I shake my head adamantly and with an appropriate amount of disgust. How could I? I would never willingly put myself in that situation again. I remember the pain, the humiliation, and the disgust all too well. It happened too many times, enough that it was burnt in my memory forever
.

“
Then you’re still a virgin, Elise,” he insists, his steely blue gaze locked on mine.

“
I’m far from a virgin,” I spit bitterly.

“
Elise, virginity is a gift. It can’t be taken it has to be given. You’re still a virgin in all the ways that count.”

“
I don’t have a hymen,” I snap because isn’t that what virginity is?

“
So what?” He retorts, shaking my shoulders lightly as if he’s trying to shake his words into my brain. “Loads of girls don’t. You can lose it with tampons and horse-riding and loads of stuff.”

I stare at him open-mouthed because I definitely didn’t expect him to know that.

“What?” He mumbles. “I have five brothers and a sex addict for a best friend. There’s only so many hours you can spend talking about video games.”

He seems so defensive and I actually smile because it’s kind of cute.

“You really mean that?” I prompt cautiously.

“
I do,” he answers confidently. “You’re not impure or unclean or whatever the hell else you think you are. You are what you make yourself. Stop thinking of yourself in those terms.”

I raise my eyebrow at him because he’s being bossy but he meets my gaze with a steely determination.

I sigh and concede to him because honestly, it sounds like something Bear would say so I figure there must be some wisdom in it.

He doesn’t see
me as imperfect or unclean. Maybe I shouldn’t either. I’ve spent all these years trying to rebuild myself and purify what I considered ruined. Maybe it’s time I accept that it happened and forgive myself.

We decide that outside in the grass isn’t the time for setting boundaries. Karl is insistent that we set them because he gets frustrated with himself when he pushes my buttons.

We know he has a bit of a temper
(as do I) and it’s for the best that we both know where we stand. I keep putting it off because the lingering fear he won’t like it is almost paralysing.

What sort of teenage boy wants a girlfriend who he can’t touch?

Well, he can touch me, just not everywhere. It sucks because I’m fully aware that my body reacts around him. I understand the basic biology of it. I get squirmy just being close to him, like I’m burning up from the inside out.

And when he touches me… I shiver just thinking about it. Those tingles have the strongest effect on nape of my neck or my hipbones but just the
idea of them anywhere more intimate makes me shiver in a much worse way.

Hell, I’m frustrated with myself over the confusing feelings and my inability to let him too close to me but it must be even worse for him.

“Elise,” Karl interrupts me because I’ve been staring at the last page of the textbook for a solid five minutes and trying to drag it out. “You’re done.”

I grumble and slam the book shut, shoving it to the side of my desk. We’re
alone in my house, in my bedroom, which we hadn’t planned on. We were meant to be going to Karl’s as we usually do. Their house is bigger and I like being around all the Carters but tonight wouldn’t have been a good night to get any studying done. The twins were in goofy moods because it was the end of term and were acting like they’d each consumed a bag of sugar.

Add that to the fact that Matt was in a foul mood over something and it didn’
t lead to a productive night. I’m a bit worried about him, he seems angrier than usual over something. I don’t know what but I wish I could help him somehow.

He and Karl have
their private conversations and I keep out of them because it isn’t my business and I know their friendship is much older than ours. I don’t begrudge him his secrets when he doesn’t know mine.

They disappear
off on their own every other Saturday and I don’t ask where because I don’t want to trap Karl in between his best friend and me.

“
You keep putting this off,” Karl draws my attention back to him. He’s sprawled out on my bed with his hands up behind his head and that strip of skin is on display.

I spend a few seconds too long looking at it before I pay some attention to his poor, tortured t-shirt.

“I love you looking at me that way, darlin’,” he grins. “But you still need to do this.”

“
Do what?” I feign ignorance because I’m so not responding to his comment about the way I’m looking at him.

“
Set boundaries with me,” he grins.

I just grunt and flop down onto the bed with my head on his stomach. It was a mistake because now I’m eye-to-navel with that strip.

“Please, Elise,” he pleads and I can hear how much this means to him.

“
Fine,” I grumble, sitting up and looking longingly at his stomach because I miss it already.

“
Alright,” he grins triumphantly. “I made a list.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a fairly haggard looking piece of paper.

“
A list?” I prompt, cheering up slightly although I don’t know why. I’m not looking forwards to this.

“
I know how much you like lists,” he grins, gesturing to my wall.

He added himself to the
“most important people in my life” list and I let him because he was mentally already there. He also took the liberty of writing a list of “the best things about Elise” and pinning it to my wall.

He sulked for a solid hour when I took it down and refused to talk to me so I put it back up again to placate him. He can’t say I never do anything nice for him.

“How long is this list?” I ask sceptically.

“
There’s a few things on here,” he grins, tucking it into his chest so I can’t see it.

“
Alright, let’s get this over with,” I grumble, leaning in for a kiss because I deserve one for doing this.

He surprises me by licking my lower lip as we kiss. He’s never used his tongue before and it catches me off guard. It tickles like crazy and my lips part further as he sucks my flesh into his mouth.

His tongue probes mine gently, caressing my mouth with unhurried fervour. It’s seriously unexpected and brings up those seriously confusing feelings again.

My mind is undecided
but my body wants to rip his tortured, cotton t-shirt off his body.

I settle
for gathering the soft fabric in my hands to pull him closer.

“
Well I don’t need to ask that question then,” he breathes raggedly as I reluctantly pull my face away from his before I destroy the fabric of his t-shirt.

“
You can definitely do that again,” I inform him with equally disjointed breathing.

“
Noted,” he grins, brushing my cheek with his thumb.

We sit up together on my bed and
just look at each other. Really look. It’s not like I need to memorise any details about him. I’ve spent far too long staring at him for me not to know every pore on his skin.

It’s more like we’re looking into one another. I know he’s trying to gauge how I’m going to take his questions and I’m trying to figure out what kind of questions he’s going to ask me.

“I love it when we do this,” he grins after a while.

“
What?” I play innocent because I quite like listening to the sound of his voice. It’s much deeper than it once was but that definitely makes it better. It’s like the way boxwood resonates when you tap it.

“
When we’re just quiet but I feel like I can feel what you’re thinking.”

I smile because th
at’s exactly what it feels like and I love that he feels it too.

“
I love you, Elise. No matter what boundaries you have, no matter what we have to go through. I will always love you.”

My smile broadens because I know he means it and I lean forwards to kiss his handsome lips in appreciation.

I’ve yet to return those three little words and I’m not sure I’m able to. I need to know those three words are enough for him. That once I’ve said them, he won’t need more from me.

“
Okay,” he smiles almost shyly and looks down at his list. “First one is nudity.” His mischievous smile is almost boyish as he announced this.

“
Me or you?” I raise an eyebrow because this definitely needs clarifying.

“
Both,” he smirks like he can tell I’m imagining seeing him without that soft cotton t-shirt. Only because the poor t-shirt is being stretched. That’s the only reason.

“
I’m not getting naked,” I retort indignantly even as I lament how much it would suck never to see the muscles I’ve felt under his top.

It’s become a habit of mine to lie on top of him ever since we fell asleep unde
r the tree and my hand finds its way onto his skin more often than not.

I blame him; he started it.

We haven’t slept in the same bed again since because we don’t think our parents would like it too much but Karl often lies with me until I fall asleep and then slips out and locks the door from the outside before sliding the key under the door.

“
Because you don’t want to or because it’d be a trigger?” He asks with genuine interest.

I’m not sure if it would be a trigger.
I remember that he never took my clothes off when he came into my room. He used to always leave my nightie on.

Sick freak.

“I just don’t want you to see me naked,” I shrug, focussing on Karl because memories of him are much more pleasant.

“
I can’t think of anything I want to see more,” he grins and I scowl at him as best I can because that’s sort of a twisted compliment.

Seven wonders of the world? Nope.

Sunset over the ocean? Nope.

Ginger girl naked? Yes please.

Weirdo.

“
And I know you want to see me naked,” he smirks with the smuggest grin I have ever seen.

I poke him between the ribs and he grabs my finger before I can do it again.
“Do you now?” I challenge.

“
I’ve seen you looking.”

“
Oh really?” I yank my finger away and try not to look like a kid who’s been caught with their hand in the biscuit tin.

He nods and lifts his t-shirt up slowly. I watch as each row of abs is
revealed. I knew they were there and I’ve seen glimpses but I’m still not fully prepared for them.

“
That’s your Wagon Wheel face,” he smirks as I unabashedly look at the grooves and ridges of his torso.

“
I like your body,” I shrug because it’s true and I’m all about the truth. It’s not like he doesn’t already know this.

“
I know,” he grins, leaving his t-shirt half way up and releasing my finger. “I work hard on my body, Elise. I’m not gonna complain that you keep ogling me.”

I love that he did that because now I have free
reign to touch him. I let my hand hover over his stomach and meet his eye, asking for permission.

He nods subtly and keeps his hands under his head as I gently stroke the tips of my fingers over his skin.

This boundaries thing is going much better than expected. I’m actually quite enjoying myself.

Karl keeps his eyes closed as I trace each rib, muscle, and line of his torso, smirking to myself as I trail around his tiny, perfect nipples. If they were any smaller, they’d be ridiculous but I quite like them.

I can’t help but notice the little general is awake and saluting but I swallow past my discomfort because I promised him I’d try. I know he’s aware of what’s going through my head but he keeps quiet and lets me work through it.

“
I could let you do that all day,” he murmurs, his voice thick, like he’s struggling with himself. “But you still need to stop.”

“
Why?” I practically pout. I wouldn’t mind doing it all day.

He just gives me a dark look and sits
up, placing my pillow over the general. I don’t know what my pillow did to deserve that.

“
So,” he grins once he’d adjusted the poor pillow. “You clearly don’t mind touching me.”

I shake my head.

“And you don’t mind me minus the clothes?” He raises one eyebrow in a subtle challenge.

“
Are you offering to get butt naked?” I goad him.

“
I will if you will,” he answers seriously.

We’re playing chicken again. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I never step down from a challenge. Especially not a challenge from Karl Carter. But starkers? I’m not sure I can do that.

“Underwear?” I offer a compromise. “And no touching.”

“
I can do that,” he grins, looking far too pleased with himself.

I can’t believe we’re actually doing this. I have to admit, a huge part of my motivation in doing it is to see more of him. I’m not really too fussed about my body. I think I fit into the sort of ‘normal’ category.
I just don’t want any part of my normal body being touched beneath the undies.

Karl pulls his t-shirt off in that cross-armed way again and I keep my eyes locked on his body and the surge and flow of his muscles as they work.

He drops the garment to the floor and looks at me expectantly. I glare at him because this is the bit that seems unfair. Men always have their tops off, women don’t.

I decide to start with my jeans because my t-shirt is more of a tunic and I know it’ll irritate him if I subvert his expectations.

I’m officially the best girlfriend ever.

I expect him to scowl but his eyes are all over my legs as I
kick my jeans off. It’s like he’s drinking me in. I sort of thought it would creep me out but he’s looking at me like I’m some sort of mythical creature and I find it strangely empowering.

He can’t seem to get his jeans off quick enough and I half expect him to fall over as he strips down to his boxers. It’s the ones with the red band again and this time they’re quite clearly restraining the beast within.

I gulp slightly, despite my best efforts, and draw my gaze away to his thighs. They’re broader than I expected without the jeans on and clearly as firm as they can be. He has a fine dusting of dark brown hair which I can just about make out from a few feet away.

I never expected to find hairy legs attractive but I definitely like it on him.
There’s not much about him I don’t like.

He looks at me expectantly again and I smirk because I can see the tension in his shoulders. Without asking
, I know that he’d really rather be stood right next to me than on the opposite side of the room.