An Old-Fashioned Christmas (2 page)
Read An Old-Fashioned Christmas Online
Authors: Patrick Regan
L
ittle Jessica had finally found the dolly just for her—with beautiful blue eyes, a perky little nose, and fingernails she could chew when mommy and daddy were fighting again.
T
he Ladder Safety Council does not endorse this image (to say nothing of the Fashion Police).
O
kay. Back row—
nice
projection. But remember, the audience will be prospective adoptive parents. You don’t want them thinking you might eat their cat.
A
ll right, here’s the deal. You work on that posture, and Santa will bring you a Raggedy Ann. And you, Big Eyes, on my lap—tell your mom to quit cutting your hair herself. Next!
K
id, you rip one now and
you’re
going to be the tree topper.
M
rs. Larson called it the
Annual Larson Family Holiday Hootenanny!
Mr. Larson called it the most effective form of birth control imaginable.
T
hough the boys at the orphanage didn’t seem to notice, Santa could not get the thought out of his head:
“Bitch washed my suit with a Kleenex in the pocket
again
!”
N
othing captures the magic of Christmas like the drooling face of a child and a cheap-ass, little fake tree.