An Unexpected Christmas (20 page)

I was still holding onto her bra
so I threw it to one side and wondered if she was the sort of girl who liked to
match and less than a minute later I knew she was as her knickers found
themselves in a similar state as her bra, on the floor by the bed. While I was
relieving her from the confines of her underwear April had somehow gotten me
out of my bottoms and discarded them to the floor. I kissed her again and then
simply looked into her eyes. How did she have this effect on me? What was I
going to do without her for months? I had only just found her.

April bit down on her lower lip
and looked up at me, a worried look on her face. I couldn't blame her I had
simply stopped to gaze down at her. I smiled at her and I felt her relax again.
'We are going to take this slow.' I didn't want to rush this, I wanted to take
my time and remember every moment. April nodded and waited for me to take the
lead.

We made love slowly and
intimately and with only the sound of our breathing between us. It was the most
intense experience I had ever had filled with all sorts of emotions. I knew it would
be the last time I would be with her for a while and I wanted to savour every
single second and imprint it into my memory.

Once both our breathing had
slowed to a more natural state I wrapped her up in my arms, our legs still
tangled together and placed a soft kiss to her forehead before tucking it under
my chin.

I could feel her smile against my
neck. 'I thought you said nothing untoward.'

My own smile widened at her
words. 'I lied.' I wrapped my arms a little more tightly around her and closed
my eyes. 'Now, go to sleep.'

April

I hadn't expected to sleep when I
crawled into bed alone last night but I did sleep eventually. It might have had
something to do with mine and Nate's late night activities or the sheer
emotional exhaustion I knew I was about to endure. I hadn't expected Nate to
knock on my door either but a part of me was glad he did. When I woke it was a
moment before everything flooded into my brain, but in that moment I felt so at
peace and calm and happy. Then I remembered what I had to do and what I had to
say and what I had to feel.

I stretched out a little and
realised that Nate had already slipped out in the early hours of the morning
still keeping our relationship, if you could call it that, from his mother and
sister. He was right to do it; I didn't want to have to explain to them both
everything I would have to tell Nate. I knew I would eventually have to talk to
Ella about what had happened, I really didn't want to have that conversation
with her and I was hoping it wouldn't happen until I had a chance to let it all
settle inside me and I didn't feel so awful.

I pulled the duvet over my head
in the hope that it was all just a dream that I could wake up from and only
remember the good parts, the kissing and the looks and the necklace. I reached
up and my fingers found the metal bar that lay around my throat. I hadn't taken
it off since Nate gave it to me only the day before and I would continue to
wear it, unless he asked for it back. I really hoped he didn't ask for it back.

I let out a heavy sigh then
pulled the covers off my head and grabbed my phone off the bed side table to
check the time, the numbers that greeted me made me give another groan; I knew
Ella wanted to leave shortly after breakfast and I hadn't even packed yet. My
phone told me it was almost nine which meant I needed to get up and sort myself
out and pack and, find the right time to talk to Nate. Our conversation would
be one that had to be done face to face; any other way would just be cruel.

I dropped my phone to the bed and
let out one more heavy breath before climbing out from under the covers. I had
forgotten that I was completely naked but it only meant that I could climb in
under the hot water of the shower more efficiently. The water was refreshing as
always and did it's best to wake me fully but I knew I would need some coffee
to really get my brain working.

A little part of me, the part
that liked to torture me, hoped that Nate was going to be in the kitchen when I
walked into it but there was only Maggie sitting at the table, a half empty mug
in front of her. 'Good morning, did you sleep well?'

I smiled over at her and put a
mental block up to stop the images from last night flooding my mind. It didn't
work and images of Nate filled my head. 'I did thank you.' I moved over to the
kettle and set about making my morning coffee. I turned back to Maggie who was
still smiling over at me. 'Do you know if Ella is up yet?'

'I believe she went out at about
half seven, she said she was meeting Roddy.'

'I suppose she wanted to see him
before we went home, that makes sense.' I nodded then turned and poured the now
boiled water into my mug. 'And Nate? Is he awake?'

'He went for a run not so long
ago; he will probably be back soon. I can't imagine him staying out too long.'

I turned, mug in hand and smiled
at her. 'Well I should probably go and pack. I think Ella wanted to leave
before lunchtime.' Maggie just nodded and smiled at me as I walked past her and
back out of the kitchen.

I carried my coffee all the way
upstairs and back into my bedroom before taking a sip and setting it down on
the vanity. I had no idea when Ella would be back or if I would get the chance
to talk to Nate. What if I couldn't and we left before we got the chance? I
hated the thought of him heading to Miami still thinking that there would be
something between us.

I sat down on the end of the bed
and looked over at the mirror that hung just above the vanity. My reflection
looked like me but I didn't feel like me. I felt torn and worried and scared. I
was so frightened of hurting Nate and having him think ill of me. But it would
only be for a short time. I knew I was doing the right thing, that telling him
we didn't have a future together now would stop both of us from getting hurt
further down the line when we would be in too deep. I could feel the tears
begin to form in my eyes and quickly took two deep breaths to stem them. I
needed to stay focused and emotion free, it was the only way.

I stood and picked up my coffee
mug, taking a long drink and feeling the wave of calm I always got when
drinking that first coffee of the day. I placed my mug back down and began to
sort my things out. I opened up my case on the bed and started with the clothes
I had tossed over the chair, picking them up and folding them as best I could
so they would all fit.

I was just about to empty the
drawers I had unpacked in to when I heard a soft knock on the door. I looked up
to see Nate standing in the doorway a small smile on his face and my heart
jumped into my throat. I wasn't ready to do this; I didn't know what I was
going to say. I thought I had more time.

'Morning, I was going to bring
you a coffee but Mum said you had one.' He smiled at me, that big bright smile
that radiated happiness and was infectious and filled you instantly with warm
feelings. Instead of making me feel instantly better it made me feel sick. I
would have to try and do this as quickly as I could, like ripping off a
plaster, and hope that it wouldn't hurt as much as I was anticipating. I smiled
back with less enthusiasm than he had shown me then continued to pack my
things, racking my brains on what to say.

Nate had moved fully into the
room and sat down on the bed. He watched in silence as I moved things from the
drawers in to my suitcase and I got the feeling that he was still waiting for
me to give him an answer to his suggestion yesterday. I wanted to wait for him
to bring up the topic, but if I was going to do this I had to be brave, I
braced myself but he beat me to it.

'Have you, umm, had a think about
what I said yesterday?' He looked so hopeful I could feel my heart break and
knew this was only the beginning of my heartache.

I took a deep breath and stopped
what I was doing. 'I have.' I moved my gaze away from him and looked into my
suitcase then lifted the top I had just placed in it and twisted it in my
fingers nervously.

Nate looked from me to my hands
then back up to me. 'Something tells me I might not like what you're about to
say.'

His tone had gone cold and hard
and even though I didn't want him to hate me, maybe it would be better that
way. I took another breath to steady myself. 'I have had the most wonderful
Christmas and I am so grateful to all of you for making me feel so welcome.
It's just...' How was I supposed to phrase it?

'Just what?' He stared up at me,
his expression solemn and I could see that he had already started to close
himself off to me.

'Well, we both have to admit that
it wouldn't work out.' He stood and moved over to the window, hands in his
pockets and his back to me. 'We lead completely different lives and maybe we
would try and stay in touch but everyone knows long distance relationships
hardly ever work out. That and we have only known each other for five days,
that isn't long enough to really start anything.' I took a breath, trying to
stop the tears from falling. I didn't want him to see me cry, that wasn't the
last image of me I wanted him to have. 'Nate, you're going to be in Miami for
months and I'm going to be busy at work and maybe it would be alright in the
beginning, talking on the phone, but I don't think anyone can conduct a real
relationship like that.' He still didn't move but I noticed he wasn't standing
up as straight, like my words were weighing down on his shoulders. 'Like I
said, we're from two completely different worlds and that isn't going to
change.' He turned then and was about to say something but I needed to get this
all out, 'and I would never ask for it to change. You are who you are and I am
who I am.' He crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back against
the windowsill.

We stood for a moment just
looking at each other in some sort of sadistic staring contest that I was happy
to let him win. I lowered my gaze back to the top in my hands and folded it
once more and lay it neatly back in my case. 'It would never work between us.'
I looked up at him and my next words came from deep in my heart. 'You are one
of the most wonderful people I have ever met and you deserve someone so much
better than me, someone who will fit into your life, someone who you can share
all your amazing experiences with. Someone who can love you the way you deserve
to be loved.'

'So that's it, that's your
decision?'

I took a moment and then looked
right at him. He may be the actor in the room but I had to convince him this
was the best thing. 'It is. Nate, you know I'm right.'

He shook his head and pushed
himself away from the windowsill and for a moment, one heart-in-my-throat
moment, I thought he was going to cross the room and kiss me.

It took him all of four strides
until he was standing in the doorway. I didn't turn to watch him go but I heard
him turn back towards me. 'As you wish.'

I felt the tears silently roll
down my cheeks even before he closed the door behind him. I collapsed onto the
bed and let out one sob. That was all I would allow myself. I didn't have the
right to feel this way. It was my decision to tell him what I knew would
eventually happen. I loved him but I had to be the rational one, I didn't fit into
his life. I was not the sort of person who would be good for him and this was
the right thing to do, I was convinced of it and I knew I had hurt him but he
would be alright. Nate would find someone who would be better for him, who he
could love and marry and start a family with. I knew that when I got home I
wouldn't be nipping out on my lunch break to grab a copy of the latest celeb
magazines anymore and that I would use that time to read more books and try as
hard as I could not to think of the man that no one else would ever live up to.

I took a deep breath and wiped my
tears away with the back of my sleeve. Then picking myself up I continued to
pack my things into the case that only a couple of days ago I had unpacked. Had
it only been five days since I walked into the living room and saw him standing
there? It felt like I had known him so much longer than that and now I wouldn't
see him again. No, I wouldn't think about it. I had things to do, packing and
getting home and work and the rest of my life.

I put the last of my clothes into
my case then started to gather the bits and bobs from around the rest of the
room, all the stuff I had in the bathroom was easy enough to gather and slide
into the pockets on the inside of my suitcase and then I had some bits on the
vanity and lastly my Christmas gifts that sat in a small pile on the bedside
table.

I picked up the hardback copy of
Persuasion and sank myself down onto the mattress then lifted it up to my nose
and breathed in its slightly musty smell. That smell which was so familiar was
no longer the security blanket it had once been. I lowered it into my lap and
ran my hand across the leather cover. It was a truly stunning book and I would
cherish it and the memories that came along with it even if they ached, I knew
that eventually I might be able to look at it without the feeling of heartache
but not yet, and not for some time. I placed it gently at the top of my case
then moved the other things from the bedside table in around it and closed the
top pulling the zip all the way around.

I managed to drag the thing down
the stairs and deposit it by the front door then I quickly headed back up for
the mug of now cold coffee that stood forgotten on the vanity; once Nate had
left I hadn't been able to stomach it. I made my way back downstairs and into
the kitchen. I hoped Ella was back so we could leave soon. I didn't know if I
would see Nate again today but I knew if I did it wouldn't be a pleasant
experience.

When I walked into the room,
Maggie and Ella were sitting at the kitchen table and both looked up as I
entered.

'Hey.' Ella squinted her eyes
slightly and looked me up and down. 'Are you feeling okay? You look a bit
peaky.'

I poured the cold coffee down the
drain and placed the mug in the sink. 'Yeah I'm fine.' Ella sent me a small
smile and I was glad she didn't push the subject. 'Are we heading off soon?'

Ella looked down at her watch
then back at me. 'About an hour, I have a couple more things to pack.'

I nodded at her answer. 'I might
go for one last stroll along the beach then.'

'Oh that's a good idea. Would you
mind taking the dogs with you, I think Nate might be on the phone for some time
and they could do with a run.'

'Of course, I'll just go and get
my coat.' I wandered out of the kitchen towards the front door where I had hung
my coat up the last time I wore it.

I could hear Nate's distinct tone
coming from the office and I paused for a moment near the door. The words
flight and Miami where the only ones I could make out and  I wondered what his
plans were, then I remembered that it was none of my business. I moved quickly
away and retrieved my coat then headed out the back and tried my best to push
all thoughts from my mind.