An Unfinished Life (26 page)

But she didn’t go far. She was here at our cabin, not too far from Rock Lodge. We spent many great summers up here with Nicolette, Massimo, and Christina. We had albums filled with pictures of the beautiful memories we shared here, so it would only make sense that Sara now used it as a place to feel safe in and get away from me.

I parked my car down the path so I wouldn’t surprise her. It was freezing up here with the grounds covered in fresh snow. Smoke was coming from the chimney. Sara was in there, probably in front of the fireplace reading her favorite book that I had given her. It was a collection of poetry from the greats. From John Keats to William Shakespeare, the book was priceless to her. I would hold her in my arms and just read to her until she fell asleep. I had given it to her when she was first sick, and I promised her that I would add our love story to this collection and never forget what she had given me.

Her love brought me back to life when I didn’t think I would ever be deserving of it. I had to prove to Sara that I was that same man that gave her that book. I loved her with all of my heart, and she could have it if she came home with me. I would do anything to make that happen.

W
hat the hell am I doing standing out here in the middle of the damn woods freezing my balls off?
I stood there and stared at the cabin, willing my feet to move forward, but I was unsure and a little afraid. I didn’t want Sara to run any further away. Still, I’d had enough with arguing with myself over remaining out here and watching her or just confronting and fighting with her inside where it was warm.

As I was about to walk up and knock, the front door opened, and Sara appeared on the front porch wearing my Parka jacket. Even though she was mad at me, she kept me close in some small way. At the sight of my beautiful wife standing only a mere few feet away from me, I just wanted to run to her, and that’s exactly what I did, but a little slower so not to startle her.

She saw me first, and I froze where I was standing. I remained where I was and gave her time to choose. She would either turn and go back into the cabin, or run straight into my arms, arms that would hold her and never let her go again.

She was silent, and I could hear the sound of my own beating heart.
Come on baby, please show me that I haven’t lost you.
Just when I thought all hope was lost, tears began to fall down her cheeks, and she slowly walked over to me. I stepped, she stepped, and then two more strides and she was in my arms crying out the hurt I had caused her.

“Shhh baby, please don’t cry. What was our deal? No more crying in this lifetime or the next.” I lifted her chin with my finger and locked eyes on her. “I love you, Sara. Please come home.”

She tried to step out from my hold, but there was no chance I was allowing that to happen. She wiped her eyes and let out a breath. It was so cold out here, it looked like smoke.

“Can we go inside before we freeze to death?” she said.

I smiled and said yes. I grabbed a few logs for the fire and followed behind Sara. She kicked off her boots but kept my jacket on, curling up on the wingback chair we kept near the fireplace for when I read to her. Sure enough, her book was right beside it.

I threw the logs into the fire and said, “Give it a few minutes, and the room should be toasty warm.”

“Thank you, Jack.”

“No need to thank me, Sara. I’m just a man that is taking care of his wife, someone he loves very much.”

“Keep sweet-talking me like that, and I may let you take me to bed. It’s been cold without you, especially at night.”

This woman is going to kill me, because if I know Sara, then this is phase one at reminding me what an ass I’ve been.

“And you don’t think our bed at home is not cold without you to lay beside me? As much as I love this game baby, we must not forget the reality of why you are hiding out in our cabin and I’m back in Chicago. You left me, Sara, and I was stripped down and torn apart, night after night without my wife. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m not a child, Jack.”

“Stop acting like one then. You ran from me. Do you even have a clue as to how much you hurt me? Baby, I had my apology all planned out driving up here. It was perfect. But now I don’t want to say even half of it. I have shared every fiber of my being with you, all of me, even the parts that were too ugly to say, but I did it for you. For years, I was on my own, even when my parents were alive, and I never felt like I fit anywhere but on the streets. For a long time after they died, I just felt abandoned. So when we got married, you promised me that you would never leave me. We would never go to bed angry. We would stay and talk it out no matter how much it hurt, and then we would kiss and make-up. That, my love, was our deal, and you leaving for parts unknown shattered that agreement. So if you want honesty, then there it is. I’m fucking mad at you!”

“Well, I’m fucking mad at you too! That’s right, I said it. Don’t look at me, Jack, like you are surprised. You know I have been there for you every second of every day we have been together, but I’m tired, and like I told you back home, I want off this ride.”

“What are you saying, Sara? You want a divorce? Is that what you are telling me? Because if that’s what you want, then you will never get it. I will never break my marital vows to you. You are my wife, and we will never part, even in death. I believe God negotiates.”

Her stance had softened, and she looked regretful.

“I don’t want a divorce, Jack. I just want my husband back. The man that I married. The man I promised to love forever. The man I promised to never leave even when we fight, who I promised to always kiss good night. I’ve seen many sides to you, baby, but you’ve changed over the last few years, and we both know why. Why does everyone else get to move on with their lives, but you, Jack Vanelle, remain frozen in time? The past is slowly choking you to the point where you cannot breathe, and it breaks my heart to watch it. I can’t do this anymore. I want my husband back.”

“You have me, Sara. I’m right here.”

“No, Jack. You are a million miles away from me. I’m so sorry for what I said about Nicolette, but come on, Jack…she’s happily married to Simon and finally pregnant. All their dreams are coming true, and they have never allowed her past to hurt their present or future. Why can’t you just follow their lead, move on, and be happy too?”

“I will be, baby. I swear it. Just please give me some more time, understanding, and most of all, your love. I need you, want you, and can’t breathe without you. Please, Sara, come home.”

“…Okay.”

“Thank you, Sara, I promise that I will not hurt you again. I’ll do better, I swear it.”

“I believe you, Jack, and I promise that I will not hurt you again too. I’ll do better, I swear it.”

Her words gutted me deeper than I ever imagined they would. All the years we’ve been together, she never hurt me, not ever. She had every right to voice her feelings with me. I always demanded honesty from Sara and would never accept anything less. She had reached her limit—deep down I saw it coming—and yet I made it about me…again. This was what I was most sorry for, because I should have fought harder and apologized until my throat muscles burned with regret.

I knew I had to come clean and tell Sara about St. Clair, but I just got her back. Still, if she found out by anyone other than me, then her trust in me would be irrevocably broken.

“Sara, I have to tell you something.”

“Not now, Jack. I need you. Please make love to me?”

Would she hate me later after she gave her body to me? Would I disgust her? Would telling Sara about Michael be what would drive her away from me forever? I didn’t want to even think about losing Sara ever again, and now she was asking her husband to make love to her. How could I deny my wife?

“Jack, are you okay?”

“I’m better than okay. I have my wife back.”

“Then make love to me like a husband should, and let’s put these suffering days behind us.”

“Your wish is my command. Now, lose the Parka.”

“I love this coat. It kept me warm when we were apart. I missed you.”

“I’m here now, and you never have to worry about missing me again, because I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?”

“Always and forever.”

We made love for hours until either one of us couldn’t move. I insisted on running a bath for her before we slept. I gave her a massage and lulled my beautiful wife into sleep. Her muscles were tight, especially in her neck, evidence of falling asleep in front of the fireplace. I knew my Sara well enough to know that she didn’t sleep much when we were apart. I only prayed that she would give me time to explain everything I had discovered about Michael and his death.

The family made a move without my knowledge, and now it was my turn to protect them. I had no way of knowing what kind of fallout I would face once the news of his murder made national news. I wasn’t the one who killed him, but that didn’t mean I was innocent either.

The bar cabinet was fully stocked. I knew I shouldn’t drink, but I needed one to calm my nerves. I couldn’t be next to her with these thoughts, so I sat in her chair and just watched her sleep. After days of not being close with her, it would be easy for me to take her again, but I held back with great restraint. I can’t fuck my wife into submission no more than I can make her stay if she wishes to leave after I reveal more of my sins.

Some time had passed, and I was feeling the effects from my bourbon numbing my anxiety. I slipped back into bed with Sara and pulled her close to me. I quickly fell asleep, only to dream the nightmare once again.

“Who the hell are you,” asked Michael, “and where is my guard?”

I placed a piece of tape over his mouth to silence him. I didn’t need to alert anyone of my presence. Michael was bound to the bedrail by his cuff and now silenced by the tape over his mouth. He was trapped by a stranger who was now hovering over him. We were about to get better acquainted. What a coward! A blind man could see the fear in his eyes.

“Now that I have your attention, asking me who I am is not relevant. Do you think you could just rape my beautiful girl and not expect to be punished for it? You are a pig. And do you want to know what happens to pigs?” I said, taunting Michael, as I pulled a blade from my pocket and wielded it in front of him.

“Pigs get slaughtered. Do you think you can hide behind your daddy or his money and still feel safe? You are lucky to still be breathing. Had I known about you sooner, you wouldn’t be.”

Grabbing Michael by the throat, I squeezed my fingers as tight as I could around his neck. Gliding the shiny steel blade across his cheek, I said, “You will suffer for what you did, but not today.”

“Massimo, I will keep my word and not harm Michael St. Clair for now. I will trust that he will be held accountable for his crimes against our daughter. If that happens, then I will never go back on my word. Having said that, brother, if this fucker walks, then all bets are off. I will not hesitate to call my boys in and keep the promises I made to you today. You need to agree with what I have just told you, and I need to hear the words, Massimo. Do you agree?”

“I agree with you, Jack.”

“It’s over. It’s over. It’s over.”

My body shot up in a frenzied state. I was drenched in sweat, my stomach felt nauseated, and what was worse was Sara awake and watching me wake from a torturous nightmare.

She was never going to understand. She would hate me. She would leave me. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it. Honesty between us was never an issue, but when it came to this, there were just some things I had to protect her from. Telling her about Michael would be one of those things.

“Jack, are you okay? What has you so upset? You were screaming out in your sleep, and repeating over and over again, ‘It’s over.’ Oh my love, we are not over. Please don’t ever worry about that again. We are here together now and will go home together, I promise. I love you, Jack.”

I was still coming down from my nightmare and didn’t say anything further about it. Sara kissed me and left to turn the shower on.

I took that opportunity to call Max and asked him if anything had surfaced yet. He told me no and not to worry. He knew where I was and advised me to stay there for the next few days. I hated to use Sara as an alibi to protect myself, but it was a means to an end.

Max and Tommy were right, he was a threat and wanted to hurt Nicolette again. He needed to be stopped. I knew I had to let my past go and stop blaming myself for not being there for Nicolette. I knew better this time around, and as long as my daughter was safe, then any sin was justified.

“Jack, are you joining me?” Sara called out to me from the bathroom.

I shut my phone off and joined her in the shower. She soothingly washed me with an oversized sponge, running it up and down my chest. We always had this intimacy between us, even when she was mad at me. Our intensity for one another could never be denied. I had to believe that I would survive Michael St. Clair, just as my daughter did. For the blissful days that followed, I only thought of Sara, and every moment we shared was cherished, just loving each other.