An Unplanned Life (Unplanned Series) (20 page)

Chapter 46

Nicole

Three days without Dailan and I was surviving. I missed him to death, but I would never let him know it. He had called or texted each day to see how Ryan and Ella were doing. I would either text back or answer with one-word answers and then give the phone to Ryan so he could talk to him. I was taking Ella to the doctor for her check-up on her ears and then dropping her and Ryan off to have lunch with Dailan.

“Can I just sit out in here and wait?” Ryan asked as he played on his DS when the nurse called Ella back.

“Yeah, we won’t be long.” The nurse brought us back into the room and I did my best to keep a wiggling Ella on my lap. I hated her touching everything in the doctor’s office with all the germs going around. I was so happy when I heard the door open. I was even happier when I saw that our doctor today was Jason.

“Hello
, Miss Ella. Are you feeling better today?” he asked. A smile stretched across Ella’s face. “Wow, she has your smile,” Jason said.

“You think? Everyone says how much she looks like my husband.”

“Well, I never saw your husband, but she definitely has your beautiful smile.”

“Well, thanks,” I said.

He looked in Ella’s ears and checked her throat. Much to my surprise, she allowed him to do it without yelling and screaming. “Well, it looks like the antibiotics are working; everything looks great. Just keep on giving them to her until they are done.” I nodded. I picked up Ella before she could go crazy touching anything. “I would really love to get together, Nicole, and catch up,” Jason said.

“That would be great! Actually, Donna and
I are getting together for dinner tomorrow night if you’re free. I know it’s short notice.”

“
Actually, tomorrow is my first day off in ten days, so that would work out great.” He took out his prescription pad and began to scribble. “Here’s my cell number. Text me the time and place and I’ll be there. It will be great catching up with you guys.”

“Great!” I said as I took the paper from his hand and he walked us out to the waiting room.

Ryan jumped up and came walking over to us. “Finally!” he said.

“This is Ryan, my son.” Jason looked at me with pu
re confusion. I nodded, knowing the question that was going through his mind.

“Long story.
I’ll explain tomorrow.”

Jason shoo
k Ryan’s hand. “Wow, Ryan, it is an honor to meet you. I knew you back when you lived in your mom’s belly.”

Ryan’s smile widened. “You did?”

“Yup, I was a friend of your mom’s in high school.”

“Cool!” Ryan exclaimed
. I said my goodbyes to Jason and we headed out the door.

I arrived at Dailan’s work and said a quick hello to Debbie before
she led me back to his office, thankfully not seeing Rachel anywhere in sight. Dailan’s smile was a mile wide when he saw Ryan and Ella, making my breaking heart ache a little more. Ella immediately reached for him. I placed her in his arms and she smothered him in kisses.

“Uncle D, I finally got past that level in this game,” Ryan said as
he held up his DS.

“Cool,” Dailan said. The look on his face became much more serious when he turned his attention to me. “How did she make out at the doctor
’s?” he asked.

“Fine
. Everything looks good.” I was short as usual with him. I could tell that he didn’t appreciate it as he continued to gaze at me like he was waiting for me to elaborate some more. “Well, did you want me to pick them back up or are you just going to drop them off at home?” I asked.

“Hey, why aren’t you coming with us?” Ryan asked.

“Umm –”

“You can come with us,” Dailan said.

“I think it’s better if you just spend time with them. Besides, I have some errands I need to run.”

Ryan sighed. “Hey
, Ryan, I just refilled the candy bowl on my desk,” Debbie said as she poked her head in. Ryan looked up at me for approval.

“Go ahead, but don’t eat any until you’re done with your lunch.” I watched as he hurriedly followed Debbie out the door, leaving me alone with Dailan and Ella.

“Maybe I’d like to spend some time with you too,” Dailan said.

I shook my head. “Somehow, I don’t think so.”

“Why do you think that, Nicole?”

“Because if that were the case
, then you wouldn’t have left.”

He moved closer to me and pushed my hair from my face. “Nicole, I just need you to understand. This has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I love you with all my heart.” He pressed his lips to my forehead and my heart began to melt.

“Dailan, I finished up with – ” I turned around to find Rachel standing in the doorway. “Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Just when I was starting to feel like Dailan and I were taking even one little baby step forward,
she
had to bring me five giant steps back. Just seeing her talking to him made my blood boil, especially after what she had done the other night when I tried calling him. “So, you’ll just drop them off at home?” I asked, completely ignoring Rachel.

“Yeah, Nicole
. Wait one second.”

“No, I really have to get going
.” I gave Ella a kiss goodbye and whisked past Rachel, who was still standing in the doorway.

I said my goodbyes to Ryan and Debbie and headed out the door. I stopped off at the food store to pick up a few things, enjoying being able to take my time
without having the stares of the other shoppers on me. I arrived home and sat down to a cup of coffee, just enjoying the peace and quiet. I texted Donna to let her know that Jason would be joining us for dinner tomorrow. She was excited to catch up with him as well. It finally dawned on me that Ella’s birthday was less than two weeks away. With everything going on, I hadn’t even thought about what I was going to do. I still hadn’t told my parents that Dailan was staying with Tommy, although I knew it was just a matter of time before they found out, given my sister’s and Tommy’s relationship, which was still going strong. I owed Dailan’s dad a phone call, which I was avoiding as well. I was quite certain that Dailan hadn’t told anyone. I was broken from my focus when I heard the front door open.

“Hey, Steven’s dad is taking him to the batting cages and wants to know if I can go with,” Ryan said
, trying to catch his breath. Steven was our next-door neighbor; he was a year older than Ryan and the two of them had become great friends.

“Sure, as long as it’s okay with his dad.”

“It is!” Ryan said as he darted back out the door.

Dailan came in
. Ella was sound asleep with her head resting on his shoulder. He carried her upstairs and put her in her crib.

“Steven’s dad was okay with Ryan going?” I asked Dailan as he came back downstairs.

“Yeah,” Dailan answered.

“So, will you be around on the next couple of weekends
? I wanted to plan something for Ella’s birthday.”

“Yeah, just let me know when.” I nodded. “Ryan said Danielle is babysitting them tomorrow night?” Danielle was the college girl that lived up the street from us. I would have her babysit for Ryan and Ella from time to time when I was in a pinch.

“Yeah, Donna and I are going out to dinner for a few hours.”

“Well, I can watch them.”

“No, that’s okay. We’ve been trying to get together for a while for dinner and I don’t want to have to cancel out on her at the last minute because you’re stuck at work.”

“Nicole, what time do you need me here by?”

I looked at him with doubt. I knew how he got when he was tied up with work and the last thing I wanted was to get in an unnecessary argument over him not showing up on time. “Six, but really-”

“Al
l right then. I’ll make sure that I’m here by six.” He kissed me softly on the lips. Everything inside of me wanted to pull him closer and kiss him harder. I missed him so much. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I bit my lip and nodded, feeling the all
-too-familiar sting of tears in my eyes. He gazed at me for a bit longer with sadness in his eyes and walked out the door. I sat on the couch and pulled my knees to my chest, burying my head into them, finally allowing myself to have a much needed therapeutic cry.

Chapter
47

Nicole

The past…

“A good cry is healthy, Nicole,” Dr. Sullivan, the therapist that Tisha had scheduled me to see, said.

“I know
.” I looked away.

“Well,
when was the last time you had one?”

“I don’t know
,” I lied. I knew exactly when it was. Two weeks ago, lying in my hospital bed and realizing I would never feel my baby moving around inside of me again. I had been crying on the inside every day, never allowing the tears to escape my eyes. Part of me felt like I needed to conceal them to prove to everyone that I was strong. Mostly to prove to my dad that I
did do
it and I didn’t need his help at all. For some reason, appearing weak to him was my biggest fear. So, I remained stoic on the outside when inside I was a complete mess.

“Nicole, you can cry here. I won’t judge you, I promise.” I bit my lip
, feeling the faucets in my eyes slowly turning on. “It’s okay to miss your baby. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. He was a part of yourself that you gave away. You need to express how that makes you feel. You can’t keep it all inside.”

I felt the first drip rolling down my face. Dr. Sullivan handed me a tissue. “
It’s okay, Nicole. Let it all out. Tell me how you feel about yourself?”

“I hate myself
!”

“Why?”

“Because, I couldn’t be there for him. I let my baby down. I don’t deserve ever to be happy again. I don’t want to have another baby ever again.”

“Why not?” she pressed on.

“Because it will bring back too many painful memories of the baby that I just gave away.”

“Okay, I understand how you’re feeling-
”

“No, you don’t
! You can’t possibly know. I was his mother. I was the one person that he should have been able to depend on and instead I just cast him away like he was nothing.” I could hardly breathe though my sobs. “How can I ever forgive myself and go on and live a normal life, like he never existed?” I buried my face into my hands and continued to cry. Dr. Sullivan remained quiet, not trying to console me or intervene in any way. When I finally felt somewhat composed, I looked up at her and wiped my eyes.

“Do you feel a little better?” she asked. Surprisingly, I did. I nodded. “That’s called a therapeutic cry, something I want y
ou to work on doing once a week. Do you think you can manage that?”

I nodded
, not wanting her to know that I could manage doing it twenty-four hours a day with the way I had been feeling.

Chapter 48

Nicole

I was in shock when Dailan actually showed up fifteen minutes early to watch Ryan and Ella. I waited outside of the restaurant for Donna and Jason. I saw Donna’s car pulling in and gave her a hug once she reached me. I hadn’t even told Donna about Dailan and me. Jason arrived shortly after and we went inside and got a table. I was having a great time, reminiscing back to the good times that we had in high school, before I had gotten pregnant. We had just gotten our food when Donna’s phone rang. She hung up and looked annoyed. “Damn it. I gotta go. Michael just got called into work, so I gotta get home to the baby.” She got her dinner wrapped up, said her goodbyes, and was out the door.

“So, Nicole
, what have you been up to these past ten years?” Jason asked.

I gave him a brief rundown, telling him all about how I had found Ryan.

“Wow, that is an amazing story!”

I smiled. “Yeah, it is.”

“Well, your husband is a really lucky guy.”

I smiled. “So, how come a great guy like you is still on the market?” I asked.

“Well, I was engaged and we called it off.”

“Oh, why?”

“We just were going in two different directions. Better that we found out before than end up divorced.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I know all about that.”

“What do you mean?”

I told him all about the past few months
, how Jonathan and Rachel both made an appearance back in my life and my rocky relationship with Dailan.

“Well, it sounds like you t
wo love each other enough to work it out.”

I sighed. “I sure hope so.”

We finished up with eating and Jason walked me to my car. “Well, I had a great time tonight,” I said.

He smiled.
“Me too, Nicole. You are just as beautiful as ever, inside and out.”

“Thanks, and you are just as sweet as I remember.”

He gave me a quick hug and a light kiss on the cheek. “Well, I would say hopefully I’ll see you around, but then that would require one of your kids being sick.”

I laughed. “No, but we definitely need to get together again soon
. Next time, hopefully, Donna can be here the entire time.”

“That sounds great. You have my number
; just let me know.”

“Okay.”

He closed the car door for me as I got in and I watched him walk away. He was one of the few good memories that I had from long ago.

I arrived home a little after ten. Ella was already in bed and Ryan was on the couch sleeping. Dailan was in the kitchen on his laptop, working.

“Hey, was everything okay?” I asked as I placed my purse down on the kitchen chair.

“Yeah, it was fine.” He was so engrossed by whatever he was looking at on his
laptop that he didn’t even look up at me. I went in the cabinet and took out two Tylenols to try and halt the headache that was just beginning to form. I stared out the kitchen window while I drank my glass of water and swallowed them down.

“
So, who were you with?” Dailan asked.

I was glad that I had my back toward him so he couldn’t see the expression on my face. He had taken me totally off guard with that question.
“Donna.”

“Bullshit, because Donna called here an hour ago
and left you a message on the answering machine.”

I finally turned around and faced him
. “I went out to dinner with Donna and Jason. Donna had to leave because Michael got called into work.”

“Who the fuck is Jason?”

“He’s a friend of ours from high school. What the hell are you freaking interrogating me for?” He just shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Oh, what are you trying to say, that I’m cheating on you with him?”

“I don’t know
. By the look on your face, it sure does look like you have something to hide.”

“You are unbelievable
, you know that? I have nothing to hide!”

He stared at me, almost waiting for me to look away first
, but I wouldn’t. I stared right back at him. I didn’t have any reason to feel guilty. “How does it feel to be accused of something that you know you’re not doing, Nicole? It’s not fun, is it?” He closed his laptop and gathered all of his papers.

“Oh, don’t even compare this to Rachel
! She’s a vindictive bitch who will do anything to get to me.”

“Yeah, well
, maybe she is, but the difference is, I trust you around other guys. You have no trust in me with anything!”

“Yes
, I do.”

He completely ignored me and continued to pack up his laptop. “Damn it
, Dailan, quit ignoring me. That’s your answer to everything: just ignore it or run away.”

“I’m not ignoring you
, Nicole. I’m just not going to get into with you tonight. I’m too fuckin’ tired to play your stupid head games tonight.”

“My head games?
Oh, I’m sorry if you think discussing our marriage is playing head games.”

He looked at me and shook his head. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Nicole.” He got up and started to walk away. I pulled him by the arm and did what I had been dying to do since the day that he left.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. He kissed me back just as eagerly and then stopped himself. “I have to go. I still have two hours’ worth of work to do before I go to bed.” His rejection stung and I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. I remained in the kitchen until I heard the front door close. I shook my head and wiped away a tear that had finally escaped my eye. I took a deep breath, thinking about what a pattern this was becoming - Dalian walking out the door and tears falling from my eyes.