Anchor of Hope (20 page)

Ashley recalled the incident involving the drunk guys at the Jamboree.

“I’m sorry, again. I don’t know what came over me. I got so angry when I saw those guys disrespecting you. No woman deserves to be treated like that.”

“Well, I’ll thank my lucky stars there was a knight in shining armour to defend me! But it’s not a flaw. Besides, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone knock another guy out in self-defence then apologise for it.” She laughed.

“OK well, let’s see. A flaw. I snore, so I’ve been told.”

“Again, that’s not really a flaw. Haven't you got anything good?”

“I find it difficult to let go and move on.” There was serious undertone to his words.

“I'm not sure how that could be considered a flaw. That only proves that you’re not a quitter. Why would that be a bad thing?”

“No, it is. Especially when the one thing you want is the one thing you can’t have.” He stared intently at Ashley.

“Well, what is it you want?” she asked, unsure if she prepared for the answer.

He stepped closer to her and his eyes narrowed on hers through the darkness. “I think you know what I want.”

She found it difficult to swallow as she stood there frozen on the spot, unable to tear her gaze away from his.             

“It’s the same thing I’ve always wanted.”

She felt like no matter how a big of a breath she took, it wouldn’t fill her lungs. The music had faded and all she could hear was the steady beating of her heart.

“You.” The word came out raspy and his lips were on inches from hers.

His fingers held her chin and his eyes stared intently on her lips. Neither of them dared to move as they stood for what seemed like an eternity. The world seemed to disappear from around her. Her skin was covered in goose bumps, but she wasn’t cold.

“Kiss me,” she breathed, and before she realised what she was saying he swooped down and pressed his lips against hers. His hands pulled her close and her hands slid up the back of his neck and into his hair.

It was a mixture of tender emotion and desperate need. Her head was spinning and she couldn’t think straight. His lips were warm and soft, and his hands moved firmly up and down her back. She slowly pulled away, and realized that her feet weren’t even touching the ground.

He lowered her and they stood there breathless, facing one another, her arms still around his neck. Her lips stung and her cheeks burned red. Her chest was heaving, and so was his. She felt light-headed, but so secure wrapped in his arms she didn’t care. She had never experienced that intensity of passion and desire before.

“I've been wanting to do that since I first saw you in the bar last week.”

Ashley remembered seeing him sitting there, near the big screen watching the football game.

“When I’m with you I can’t take my eyes off you, and when we’re I apart I can't take my mind off you.” He stroked the side of her face and stared deep into her eyes. It felt as if he were looking right into her soul, and a part of her was beginning to resurface. A part that she had buried deep, many years ago. A part that wanted to escape, but she had been too afraid to let out.

“I don't want you to leave tomorrow.” He ran his hand through his hair, his eyes were wide. “Ashley, I think I’m in l—”

A cough from the end of the pier disturbed them. Ashley squinted through the darkness to see a woman in a long dress moving towards them, the fabric billowing around her legs as she walked. Jess. Ashley straightened up and moved away from Jay, wondering if Jess had witnessed what had just transpired.

“There you are, Ashley,” she said. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Is something wrong?” Ashley asked.

“No, no, everything’s fine. Your mother would like to see you in the living room. Now, if you don't mind.”

Whoa, that seemed a bit abrupt.

The three of them walked the length of the jetty and back onto solid ground. As Ashley started up the rise towards the house, she saw Jess step between them and tuck her arm through Jay’s, holding him back.

“Jay, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something.”

Jess looked back over her shoulder to make sure Ashley continued up along the path. That was strange. Very strange. Why would Jess be so eager to get Jay on his own, and why did she appear uneasy when she found them together on the jetty? Something was going on.

Ashley followed the path back up to the garden. The beat of the music had picked up now and almost all the guests were up dancing. She spotted Henry and Grace sitting at one of the tables. Henry was about to tuck into what looked to be his second piece of cake when Grace pulled the plate away from him.

“Uh, uh.” She shook her head.

“You have no power here!” Henry said dramatically. Meika and Coco giggled.

“Yes I do, unless you want to end up back in hospital.” Grace raised an elegant eyebrow.

“Filthy Muggle,” Henry muttered, causing them all to laugh again.

Ashley laughed as she continued towards the house. There were a few people in the house as she arrived, including a lot of the wait staff , busy in the kitchen and dining room, cleaning up from the evening.

Ashley she made her way into the living room, smiling as she ran her finger along her lower lip. It was still tingling from Jay’s kiss. Yes, there was her mother, talking to a tall man, dressed in a slick blueish-grey suit and tie.

Steven.

Steven was here.
Here
.

He was standing by the mantelpiece, a glass of champagne in one hand. He spotted her and smiled, and the others in the room turned to look at her as well. Bryan was there, and Martin too.             

“Steven,” Ashley forced a smile. “What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Tokyo.”

“Well, hello to you too, darling,” he said, making everyone in the room laugh.

“I'm sorry” she said, walking over to him. “I didn’t think you were coming. I wasn’t expecting you.” Especially after their previous discussion where he had said he wanted to ‘
take some time
.’

“Surprise.” He smiled and leaned down to give her a quick kiss, then wrapped an arm around her and held her close.

“So, Steven, Ashley tells us you’re going to be made partner at the firm. That’s exciting,” Martin said.

“It is. Not as exciting as our other news, though. Ashley, would you like to tell them?” The only other news she could think of was that he had asked her to move in with him, but after their discussion that morning she figured that couldn’t possibly be it. Everyone stared at them with anticipation.

As she opened her mouth to speak, the door leading outside opened and Jay walked in, followed by Jess. Time seemed to slow down and it was as if someone had turned down the volume on the world except the sound of her heart thudding in her chest. He stopped mid-step and watched on in confusion as the events were unfolding before him. Ashley wanted nothing more than to run to him and explain.

“Ashley?” Steven asked.

She looked up at Steven, unable to speak.

“We've bought an apartment together in Upper Manhattan; we're moving in next week,” Steven said, a triumphant smile on his face.

Martin and Jane smiled and congratulated them. Ashley tried to smile but couldn’t. She raised her eyes towards Jay. He looked as though he had been physically wounded. His eyes were full of pain and disbelief as the realisation of what was going on finally hit him. He took a step back as though he had been struck, and shot out the door. Jess followed him as Ashley stood, bewildered, in what should have been one of the most exciting moments of her life. She felt as though she had had the wind knocked out of her.

How could she be so stupid.

She’d let herself fall for Jay,
although she
already had a boyfriend.
In fairness,
until two minutes ago she wasn
’
t
sure
she did have a boyfriend
.
N
ot after their phone call earlier on.

Bryan was frowning between Ashley and Steven, and judging from the expression on his face she could tell he knew she was upset about something. He politely excused himself and exited out the back door.

“We had better get back out there,” Jane said. “Don’t want people to think we’d skip out on our own wedding.”

Once Ashley and Steven had been left alone, she turned to him, angry. “Why did you say that?”

“What?” He shrugged, feigning naiveté and sipping the champagne.

“That we were moving in with each other?”

“Oh that’s right,” Steven said, raising his palm to his forehead. “I forgot your mom is into all that religious mumbo-jumbo. Surely she knows now though that we’ve been, ahem, ‘intimate’?”

Ashley’s jaw dropped open. “I can't believe you’re here. You said you needed time to think things through”

“I just spent six hours on a plane thinking things through.” He shrugged.

“I thought you meant we were
over.
Through,” Ashley said, still struggling to believe he was actually here, standing in her mother’s living room.

“Ashley, what’s wrong with you? You said yourself that you were ready to take this next step with me. This morning you said you wanted to move in with me!”

What could she say? How could she tell him she’d been kissing another man?

“I did.”

“You
did
? I don’t know what’s going on with you, Ashley. It’s like your head is all over the place. We’ve finally achieved everything we’ve worked so hard for, and now you can’t make up your mind. Either you do want us to move in together or you don’t. So which is it? Because I’m getting tired all of your mood swings.” Steven grasped her by the shoulders, forcing her to look up at him.

“I do. Want to move in with you,” she said, trying to sound convincing. Difficult when  even
she
didn’t believe it.

He hugged her tight. “I’ve missed you,” he said, his face buried in her hair. “I’m sorry I was such an ass on the phone earlier. Things have been going from bad to worse. But at least I’ve still got you.” He kissed the top of her head, continuing to hold her. “As long as I've got you I know everything will be all right.”

He felt so foreign, and there was no spark between them. It took every ounce of her strength not to run. Run from Steven, and find Jay. Run into his arms, which were so safe and secure. But being in Steven’s arms reminded her she had to use her head. Realistically it would never work out with Jay. Where would she live? Where would she work?

“This whole week has been so hectic and I think we’ve both gone through a lot. I can’t wait to get home with you and get back to our normal lives together,” he said.

Facts over feelings.

That was his mantra and she repeated it over and over in her head.

Facts over feelings. Feelings may fade, but facts last.

And the fact was Steven could provide a life for her; a lavish life, a life full of the finer things. She knew everything she had accomplished at the newspaper was thanks to him. Together they would climb the corporate ladder side by side to reach the pinnacle of success.

That was what she wanted.

But why did that now feel like a lonely, unfulfilling path? Maybe it was the alcohol and being in this house that was confusing her.

She had to see Jay. She didn’t know how, but somehow before she left tomorrow she would find a way. She had to at least get a chance to explain herself—and to say goodbye.

Ashley hardly slept at all that night. Jay had been on her mind. He’d left the wedding by the time she and Steven had gone outside to join the other guests.

Steven had already woken up and gone downstairs. She could hear him talking to someone in the kitchen below. She couldn't make out what they were saying, and she couldn’t concentrate.

It was only half past seven. She finally got up, wrapped her dressing gown around herself, and headed downstairs to join them. Steven stood by the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee in one hand. He was dressed in his running shorts and a plain grey tee shirt. Martin stood beside the counter placing food items into a shopping bag.             

“Good morning.” Steven smiled as he saw Ashley descend the staircase.

“Good morning.” She smiled back. “Have you already been for a run?”

“Not yet. I was waiting to see if you wanted to join me. Martin was telling me there’s a nice path that snakes around the other side of the lake.”

“That’s a long run, Steven.” Ashley reached for the coffee machine. “To tell you the truth, I don't think I’m up for it.” She covered her mouth as she yawned.

“OK, looks like I’m on my own then.” He smiled and finished his coffee.

He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and after a few quick stretches he headed out the door.

She watched him disappear down the driveway and began stirring her coffee.

“What are you doing here?” Ashley asked Martin. “I thought you and mom would been having a sleep in this morning, and don't they include breakfast in your package? I thought that's why they called it a 'Bed and Breakfast'.” Ashley peered into the bag which now contained a jar of homemade strawberry jam, a stick of organic butter and a loaf of gluten free bread. Her mom and Martin had spent their first night as a married couple in the quaint little B&B on the other side of the lake.

“They do, but you know your mom— she likes her paleo diet.” Martin smiled.

Ashley raised her eyebrow. “I didn't think butter was paleo.”

“It's not, but we all have our little guilty pleasures don't we?” He smiled.

Ashley raised her coffee to her lips and blew gently.

Guilty pleasures? Is that what Jay was?

“What are you doing?” he asked, staring at her as though she were an unwelcome visitor.

Ashley shrugged. “Having a coffee?”

Martin nodded. “Yes, I can see that.”

Ashley was still confused.

Martin leaned his elbows on the countertop and looked her in the eye. “I've just sent Steven off on the longest running path I could possibly find.” Martin glanced at his watch. “By my calculations, you have about an hour and a half before he gets back.”

Ashley couldn't grasp what he was talking about.

“Jay.” Martin’s eyes opened wide “Go and see Jay. Everyone knows he's crazy about you and if I'm right, which I think I am, you're just as crazy about him.”

Ashley opened her mouth to object, but she couldn't. There was nothing to disagree with. She knew that deep down those feelings she had once had from Jay were reemerging. She didn't bother asking how he knew what he did, but figured being a small town, news travelled fast.

Martin had created an opportunity for her to see Jay, to try to set things straight. She smiled and dashed upstairs to change, leaving her hot coffee on the counter. By the time she got back downstairs, Martin was waiting at the bottom with the car keys. She took the keys and kissed him on the cheek before racing out the door.

She drove along the road to Jay’s house as fast as legally possible. Every second it took meant one less second she could spend with him. It was twenty agonising minutes to his house.

What was she going to say? She rehearsed everything as she drove, and it all sounded perfectly logical.

Would he even be there? It was Sunday. Church didn't start for another two hours. Hopefully he wouldn't be out working anywhere.

As she arrived she was greeted by Benson. It was much cooler today, windy and overcast. Grey clouds filled the sky, blotting out the sun.

She got out of the car and began walking towards the house. She was almost at the front door when she spotted Jay packing tools into the back of his truck over by the shed. She waved as he looked over and she could tell immediately he wasn't pleased to see her.

He walked over, hands in his pockets. Today he wore faded jeans with a dark hooded top. His hood was up and the long sleeves were rolled up to below his elbows.             

“Hi.” Ashley broke the ice, trying to gauge his response.

He didn’t say anything, gave a quick nod to acknowledge her. His brow was furrowed and his jaw was clenched together.

“Jay, I didn’t get a chance to explain myself last night.”

“What’s there to explain?” he asked, avoiding eye contact. “You have a boyfriend.” He inhaled sharply through his nose and glanced around looking at the tree line as if searching for something.

“I didn’t want it to end like this,” Ashley said softly.

“How did you want it to end, Ashley?” He stared directly into her eyes, challenging her. “Tell me, how did you see this playing out? Because from where I stand, I can only see it ending one way—and that ending doesn’t work out for me.” He was angry, hurting.

“What did you expect me to do Jay? Stay here?”

“We both know you’d never do that. So why don't you do us both a favor and go. You’ve already caused enough damage.” He turned and began to walk away.

Ashley was furious. Normally she would have held her tongue, avoided confrontation at all costs, but considering she was leaving and never likely see him again, she decided to risk it.

“You said your flaw was that you found it difficult to let go. Well, I call bull. Eight years ago you watched me walk away and you didn’t do a thing to stop me. Not a thing. So from where ‘
I
’
m standing
,
’”
she quoted him, “I’d say you’re pretty good at letting things go!”

He spun around facing her and marched towards her with such speed and force she feared he was going to hit her. Anger blazed in his eyes and she could see his muscles were tense and his fists were clenched. He stopped inches from her face.

“You asked me
when
it was that I went to New York—it was two weeks after you left. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. It drove me insane that I couldn’t hold you in my arms, so I drove my car across the country to find you. I went to the city and I found you. I saw you, sitting in a café—Cafe Espresso. It was pouring down with rain, and you were sitting at a small round table talking to an older woman with long black hair and you were laughing. You looked happy. I knew I couldn’t ask you to leave with me. I stood there, watching you, and it took every ounce of my strength to walk away even though it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.” His voice was raw with emotion as he stood there, chest heaving.

Ashley struggled to understand what he was telling her. She remembered that day clearly. She had applied for a waitressing job. It had been pouring down and her resume had gotten wet as she ran through the rain, trying to get inside the cafe before the ink ran. He’d seen her job interview, acting cheerful to impress the manager.

She felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her. If only she would have known Jay had followed her all that way. Maybe then her life would have been different.

“That's the thing about free will.” His voice sounded raspy and strained. “You have to be able to be free to make your own choices. I couldn’t force you to leave. I wanted to pick you up and throw you over my shoulder and carry you home, but I couldn’t.” He stared at her face, holding his fists in front of him, and slowly opening his hands as his anger began to dissolve. He swallowed. “I loved you too much.”

Ashley mustered all the courage she could to reply. Her head was spinning and her heart was aching. “Don’t you see I couldn’t return, Jay? I couldn’t stand to look at you because every time I did, all I could see was my failures. I couldn’t look
anyone
in the eye without feeling guilty and being reminded that at the moment my father took his final breath, I was out getting wasted!” Tears threatened to spill out as she recalled that fateful night.

She hadn’t been to visit her father in the hospital for days. He wasn’t the man she remembered. He was weak and frail. Frightfully thin. He couldn’t move or speak, trapped inside his own failing body. He had died a little bit more each day in the most horrific way, and she was powerless to do anything about it. She had spent every night partying and drinking , trying to stay high so that she wouldn't have to face the lows. Jay had tried to stop her, knowing she was wasting the limited time her father had left. She pushed him away. He had only been trying to help her. On her father’s last night on earth, her mother and Bryan had both tried to contact her and tell her that he wouldn't make it through the night, but she didn’t even check her phone until the next day. She could never forgive herself for not being there; she had lost her chance to say goodbye.

“Nobody blamed me for not being there. No one was even mad at me, it was liked no one cared and they
should
have cared!” Ashley didn't even recognise her own voice. It was thick with emotion—anger, and most of all regret.

Jay listened, not daring to speak. His eyes had softened and Ashley see the compassion in his expression.

“I didn't even have the guts to say goodbye to him and he deserved better!  Everyone acted like I didn't do anything wrong. But I
did
. Every time I see my mother or Bryan, all I can see is how badly I hurt them!”

“The only person you hurt was yourself, Ashley. And the only person you’re waiting for forgiveness from is yourself, but you’re too stubborn to see that!”

She
didn
’
t
believe that. She couldn’t. How could they
ever
forgive her? She shook her head.

“I'm stubborn?” Ashley pointed to herself. “I may be stubborn, Jay, but that’s the only way to get ahead in life. At least I have the guts to go out and get what I want. I don’t sit back and wait for the ‘
good Lord
’ to provide.” She was mocking him and although she knew her word were vicious and hurtful, she wasn’t going to stop.

“You’re deluded, Jay—and you’re wasting your life sitting around expecting the perfect wife to end up on your doorstep. Didn’t you ever want more out of life? You’re a smart guy. You always got top grades in school. You could have been anything you wanted to be! Yet you've chosen to squander it all away. I have wasted too much of my life in this messed-up town already. I will not waste one more second of it!” She was infuriated by his apparent lack of ambition.

“More, more, more. You keep talking about ‘more’ like it’s some magical key to happiness. Tell me, what ‘more’ is there?  What more could you possibly want? When is it enough, Ashley? No, I didn’t want ‘more’. I had everything I could possibly ever want—I had you, and that was enough. There was no ‘more’ for me.” He paused for a moment as if thinking whether or not to continue speaking.

“I told you I’d been wounded far worse before, and I had, but it wasn’t from a bullet in the chest I got crawling through the sand out in some desert.” His voice was gravely, and she knew he was referring to her. “You know, when I saw you standing on the verandah at my old house I thought that God had finally answered my prayers that you had come back to me. Do you know I prayed for you? Every day. I was a fool for believing you’d ever love me the way I loved you.”

Her heart ached, and she could feel it being tugged in two opposing directions. She struggled to find the words to say. He was right: ‘more’ was career success, to prove she could do something right, as though it would atone for the fact she had not been there for her father when he needed her most. She had failed him once, and she vowed she wouldn't do it again. ‘More’ for Jay had simply been Ashley. It wasn’t
her
fault that he had been hurt. She couldn’t stay here after her father died, she couldn’t. Why couldn’t he see that?

“I can’t give you what you want, Jay. Why can't you understand that? I can never come back here, even if I wanted to.” Ashley struggled to compose herself. There was no way she was going to let him see her cry. She had too much pride. She had to end this conversation quickly before she began to doubt herself.

She tilted her chin upwards. “I have everything I need and more.”

There’s that word again.
More
.

“Then why did you kiss me last night?” He met her eyes.

She felt her breath catch in her throat and she froze on the spot. Why
did
she kiss him? Because she wanted to, because she missed him and because it felt so right. She couldn’t tell him. The truth was too painful, even for her.

She shrugged and he stared at her, his eyebrows raised, questioning, awaiting her response. Excuses flashed through her mind and she knew she had to say something before the truth came out. This charade had gone on long enough It was time to end it.