... and Baby Makes Two (37 page)
Read ... and Baby Makes Two Online
Authors: Judy Sheehan
“I see that. Hi, Beth. I'm Peter. I'm your neighbor.”
Beth seized his thumb again. “Let go of him, honey. We have to go now.”
“Please, Jane, just hear me out.”
Jane felt a cry in her throat.
“You lied to me.”
“Yes. And I'm sorry. I missed China, I hurt you, and I let you get away. I was scared, but now the only thing that scares me is you walking away again.”
Jane's breathing was shallow. How could he expect her to trust him? He hurt her. A lot.
“Do you expect me to trust you? You hurt me. A lot.”
“I'm sorry. But I'm here now for good. I'll do whatever it takes. Because I have to,” he said as Beth twisted his thumb in a direction it wasn't meant to go.
Jane shook her head. She wasn't going to be this stupid. “No. See, I'm not just me anymore. I have a child. I can't just jump in and out of love. I can't have you here and then not here, bouncing off your latest whim. You should have stayed gone. It's too late now.”
Jane turned her attention to Beth. “Come on, sweetheart, let's go back upstairs.”
“Wait!” Peter shouted. But she didn't wait. She climbed the stairs, and with each step, Jane imagined crushing Peter under her feet. And that was the perfect final cure for Peter. Oh, sure, Peter. Let's do this
your
way. Commitment? Who needs that. Stability? Overrated. Trust? An illusion. Hope? A nightmare. Love? A marketing tool.
Jane was so busy crushing Peter's bones she forgot to maintain her New York peripheral vision. She would have seen Peter signing a clipboard presented by the movers. He finished signing and started to climb the stairs after Jane. She swung around and used a voice she had learned in self-defense class.
“Are you stalking me? I'll call the cops. I'm not afraid to scream.”
Peter stopped short. Jane fumbled through her pockets.
“I've got my phone right here. Somewhere. I'll call
911
right now, I swear. You leave me and my daughter alone.” She began to fumble through her pockets, but then she remembered leaving the cell phone upstairs. Damn.
“Jane. I'm not stalkng you. In factâ” He reached out to her and moved closer.
“Don't take another step.” Jane's fumbling produced a set of keys. Hah!
Peter had keys too. “This is what I was trying to tell you. I bought the apartment. The one you wanted to buy before.”
Beth reached for his interesting thumb once again. Peter kept talking.
“And I bought dishes and furniture and everything. I'm dug in here, Jane. Truly. What can I do to show you that I'm here to stay?”
Jane and Beth sat down on the stairs.
“Go ahead and be mad at me, Jane. I've got that coming. But you need to know what I know. In fact, I made a list. It's called What I Know. Here goes:
I
LOVE YOU.W
E BELONG TOGETHER.I
WAS AN IDIOT FOR LEAVING.I
'M NOT LEAVING AGAIN.I
TOLD MY PARENTS THAT
I
MOVED HERE FOR YOU.I
LOVE YOU.
That needed two spots on the list. Extra important, you know. Jane. Do you get it yet? I'll do whatever it takes.”
Beth was now exploring the rest of Peter's hand. Jane shifted her daughter to the other hip, vainly hoping that it would distract her from the tears that she was absolutely not going to let fall. But they fell. He reached his free hand to brush them from her cheek. She
thought she was pushing his hand away, but she was letting her hand rest on his.
He moved slowly and took her hand. She touched his cheek. He kissed her open palm.
â¦
Ray had wanted to throw Jane a baby shower, but their travel plans to China had gotten the best of him. Instead, he threw Beth's first birthday party. The Chinamoms came, of course, old friends, new friends. Arlene was there with her referral picture.
“I travel in three weeks! Any words of advice?”
Arlene didn't realize what she was asking. Teresa talked directly into her ear for an hour. Arlene looked tired after that.
Megan and her toddler/baby Stella came to the party. Stella was walking, saying a few words, and taking every toy from every baby. The babies looked confused, but Stella looked determined. Charm brought her gorgeous baby boy Seth. He seemed like the peaceful king of the harem.
Karen introduced her handsome friend Raj to Ray.
“Raj and I dated a long time ago, but that was before Raj knew he liked boys better than girls. Which explained a whole lot. Anyway, I thought you two should meet. And here you are. Meeting.”
“A suave fix up. Very cool.” Ray either liked this guy a lot or was mortified. Jane couldn't tell. But she wasn't accustomed to seeing Ray blush.
All the babies gathered around Celeste, who had changed her hair to pumpkin orange. She clapped, sang songs, and could probably lead them all out of town if she wanted to. Celeste spoke exclusively to the children. She could see adults any day. She did reserve a minute or two for Jane, though.
“Darling. You will be happy in this baby for the rest of your life. Every minute of every day. You hear me? Some days will be hard, but still you will be happy”
Peter arrived late. He carried a bouquet of pink balloons that declared, “It's a girl!” in glittery letters. Jane didn't notice him right away. Beth did, and she shouted, “A Bah!”
All the babies bounced the balloons, and Beth managed to pop one with a newly erupting tooth. Peter mingled with the group and tried not to step on any children. None of the Chinamoms actually talked to him. Yet. But they watched him. And Jane watched them watching him, while Peter watched her watching them watching him.
“Peter? Could you give me a hand in the kitchen?” Ray asked.
Peter followed him, but this was such an obvious Invitation to an Inquisition. Ray, Karen, and Teresa cornered him in Jane's tiny kitchen. Jane saw the parade and pressed her ear to the kitchen door. She heard:
“What are your intentions toward our girl?” Ray asked.
“We simply won't allow you to hurt her again,” said Teresa.
“Do you think you knew her in a previous life?” asked Karen.
“Well?” Ray commanded.
Jane peeked through the doorway. Peter's smile went on forever.
“I picked the right girl to fall in love with, didn't I?”
Jane matched his smile. There was already so much love in her life, such fierce protection. What a lucky girl she was. What a happy life they could have together. Jane kissed her daughter.
â¦
The weather was turning cold, but then had the odd snap of a warm day. Jane took Beth to the park. It was a sort of Mardi Gras/make hay while the sun doth shine afternoon. Jane was not the only parent to have this thought. Washington Square Park was overflowing with children and parents.
Jane had been alternating between two parks. At Tompkins Square Park, she felt like the old parent. There, everyone had tattoos and piercings and let their kids eat the dirt, and so? Why not?
In Washington Square, Jane felt like the poor parent. There were jewels, cell phone calls to film stars, nannies to watch the kids even while the parents were there, and rich-family conversations:
“Honey, if we can't find a present for Mommy at Tiffany's, we'll have to go back to Cartier. Sorry”
“Mommy! Tad is wearing a shirt he's worn before!”
“Daddy, when are you going to buy another islandâI'm bored with the old one.”
Jane was a gate-crasher, or at least that was how it felt. Her baby couldn't walk yet, so the playground seemed unnecessary. And it was so
Lord of the Flies
in so many ways. The larger children tormented the smaller ones for sport.
“Beth, this is what you have to look forward to.”
“Oh, now, it's not so bad.”
Wow. No, it wasn't Beth speaking. It was another mom, sitting on the park bench. She looked familiar. Beth had probably seen her here before.
She called to her toddling son, “Hi, Joshua! I see you, my big walking boy!”
“Mommy!” he cried. He said that a lot as he circled a stone turtle nearby. He used it for balance.
“How old is your daughter?”
“Twelve months.”
At this age, the answer is always in months. It stays that way until they're two years old. No one tells you this, but now you know.
The wind picked up, and Beth wanted her mother's lap. Jane wanted to hold her. They snuggled on the park bench. Beth gazed up at her mother and absently curled her hair around one finger.
“That's nice,” said the other mother.
“What is?”
“The way she plays with your hair. Like she's the one who's cuddling you. It's all so delightful, isn't it?”
“Yes. It wasn't at first. I thought I'd made a mistake.”
“You didn't.”
“No, I didn't. But I was so scared. I'm still scared, but now we just move through the days. She keeps learning things, keeps changing. It's shocking.”
“Are you okay now?”
“I think ⦔ She had not asked herself that question since China, so she didn't really think anything. She had to find the answer.
“Yes.”
“I'm glad. Joshua! Time for din-din!” She scooped up a beautiful boy her Christ Child.
“Bye-bye!” he called and waved.
And that's how Jane came to be my mom. It was a weird and twisted journey, but we both got here. And please don't think that it was all soft ice cream after she got a good night's sleep and Peter came back. Oh. My. God.
I remember Cathy, the nanny, and she was so great. I loved her, I think. But then she went to school and became a dental hygienist. We had a couple of nannies after that, but Mom got a nanny cam, and none of them lasted very long. She stressed. I survived.
Then Mom got so freaked about schools. She had to get me into a school in Chinatown, so I could be at one with my Chinese heritage. I have to learn Mandarin, but she can't speak one word of Gaelic. But don't get me started on that. I actually like my school, but I don't like her to know it. Mom's Irish, and a little suffering does her some good, I think.
You should have seen how much she suffered when they were building the stairs. We have an upstairs and a downstairs, like a real house-house. But Mom and Peter actually had to build the stairs and fix all sorts of things. Mom was pretty good at it. Peter mostly kept me away from sharp things. Then he'd make dinner and they'd watch movies together. The movies they like are
really old and they're not even in color. I don't get it. But they do. He makes the best mac and cheese in the world, and he knows exactly what to say to Mom when I get in trouble. He even took the blame when my art project accidentally got glued to the lampshade and accidentally left a hole that looked like Australia. What a guy. Someday, when they get married, I want to be a flower girl and throw petals in the air.
Ray is one of my favorite human beings. Please don't tell Mom, but he is going to get me a kitten for my birthday. We went to the shelter and picked her out, and right now she's at Ray's house. He's starting to love the kitten and all, but he said he'll still give her to me. He promised. We go to these Daddy and Me classes, which are hilarious, but I'm not sure if they're supposed to be. So I try not to laugh.
My grandfather is this quiet old guy in New Jersey. We go for visits. He has a backyard and he doesn't even use it. Can you believe that? A whole backyard to himself, and it only gets used by his grandkids. Unbelievable.
Last winter we went to visit my aunt Sheila and all my cousins and they live near the beach, which is so unfair. Aunt Sheila has four kids and they're two sets of twins. Uncle Raoul plays the guitar, and he says he's going to teach me someday when my hands are big enough. Mom and Aunt Sheila can talk for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours. It's crazy.
When I'm here in New York, I go play with Ariel and Grace. Grace has a sandbox on her patio and Ariel has cool dress-up clothes. I like the guy that Aunt Teresa dates. He's totally good and funny. Aunt Karen doesn't date at all, which is cool too.
Mom sings a lot, and I love it. She sings songs you know and songs nobody knows. She makes up songs. She's really good at it. She sings for Peter when they're cooking, and sometimes she kisses him. When I'm upset about something, I ask her to sing to me. She always does. I love her singing. I love her.
So, things move along here, and we're all okay. Thanks.
JUDY SHEEHAN
A Reader's Guide
⦠And Baby Makes Two
ends with Beth's epilogue.
Although Beth had the final word, she still had a few
burning questions for the author. What follows is
Beth's conversation with Judy Sheehan.
Beth:
You used to be an actress, then you turned into a playwright, and then you turned into a novelist? Are you done changing? And how did all of the theater work affect your novel writing?
Judy Sheehan:
When I was in fourth grade and the teacher went around the room asking us all what we wanted to be when we grew up, I said that I wanted to be a writer. But then I got distracted by theater, and it was a really happy distraction, one that I needed. I got to experience great stories and meet memorable characters, and it helped me to think more creatively. But then I woke up one day and said, “Okay, now that's out of my system,” and I swore that I'd never go on another auditionâand I haven't.
Writing a novel was definitely a challenge for me. I had to get used to the idea of painting the whole picture myself. I couldn't rely on actors, designers, and a good director to complete each scene for me. But in the end, a good story is a good story, so it doesn't matter what format you're using to tell it. And I have to say that the theater gave me a tremendous sense of discipline. I got used to meeting
really tough deadlines, as well as taking input and criticism from everyone from the cast to the props managers. Everyone has an opinion, so it's good to have a thick skn.
Am I done changing? I doubt it. I'm not sure that we're ever done changing. But I promise that I'm done with acting. That chapter is over for me.
B:
Were you really part of the original company of
Tony n' Tina's Wedding
off-Broadway? What was it like? Was it the coolest thing you've ever done?
JS:
Tony n' Tina
was a fun experience; it was very weird, and it was also hard work. Beth, imagine doing the same show, same story, same everything for two years. That's what I did, and by the end, it was hard to keep it fresh and exciting. Still, it was interesting to see a silly pet project launched by a couple of my college friends explode into a big hit. And now I have to admit that I never believed that the show would become any kind of hit. We used to hold weekend workshops, inviting our friends as the audience/wedding guests. When the people in charge of the show announced that they would open the show for a six-week run, I sighed and thought that this was a big mistake: we would run out of friends! All these years later, that six-week run is still going strong. So that shows you how little I knew.
As cool as it sounds,
Tony n' Tina
was not the coolest thing I ever did. After all, I was just a minor player in a theatrical event that was bigger than all of us. As it became more and more successful, it changed a lot of the relationships that built it. Sometimes there was more drama behind the scenes than the audience ever got to see.
I'll always be thankful that the show allowed me to act full-time and figure out that acting was not for me. It also allowed me to experience one of the coolest things I ever did: I visited with Eugene Ionesco in his home in Paris. The
Tony n' Tina
company owned the
rights to some children's stories that he had written, and I was there to discuss theatrical adaptations of the stories. That ranks pretty high on my list of cool things that I've done.
B:
I have to write for school, and it's hard to get started. How do you get started? If you don't have a teacher, how do you know if your writing is any good?
JS:
You're absolutely rightâit's really hard to get started. It's even harder to stay with it, and almost impossible to complete your work. While I was writing this book, I was also living life as a single mother with a very busy full-time job. I would write at my little laptop computer at night, after my daughter went to bed. This sounds kind of sad, but you have to understand that I'm a single mom and
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
had gone off the air, so there was nothing left for me to do, at least not then. So, I got to work.
You have to really want to start and want to finish. I wrote so many drafts of this book, I actually lost count. At one point, I was working on a big overhaul to the plot, but my job became really busy and the holidays were upon us. For a few weeks there, I didn't write a word, and it scared me a lot. I figured that I'd lose momentum and never finish the book.
Anne Lamott, the supremely gifted writer, once said, “No one will care as much as you do if you don't get your writing done.” That sentence absolutely haunted me. I knew that the world wasn't holding its breath for a debut novel by Judy Sheehan. But I knew that this mattered to me. And
Buffy
wasn't coming back to distract me further. So I got back to work.
It's impossible for you to know if the writing is good, medium, or really stinky. All you can do is your best. So you need to show it to people that you can trust. I was lucky in that I had my literary agents, Dan Lazar and Simon Lipskar of Writers House, to tell me the truth about my work. And here is a key factor: I listened to them. I knew that I had nothing to lose if I at least tried on their ad-
vice. After all these were very smart guys who knew what they were doing. They became my teachers.
B:
I thought that you made my grandfather, Howard, way overreact to the adoption in the novel. Why did you do that?
JS:
Hey I'm sorry if that hurt your feelings, but I had to do it. Someone had to voice all of the objections that a potential single mother faces. And Howard was the perfect candidate to own all of that. After all, he loved his daughter and sincerely felt that he needed to protect her from a dreadful mistake. He knew that he had to be completely honest and direct with her. The fact that Jane kept going forward with the adoption, even after that rather blistering speech from her father, means that she really owned this decision fully. Her father's words presented a huge obstacle for her and she fought her way past them. Good for her.
Also, my job was to put Jane in trouble and give her lots of conflicts to work out. She was my central character, and if I protected her from scenes like that, I'd be writing a very dull book. Whenever I put Jane in a really difficult situation, I knew that I was making the story better.
And let's all applaud Howard for coming around at the end of the story and giving his blessing. See? Even Howard got to grow up a little.
B:
Did you know how everything would work out, or did we surprise you when you were writing us?
JS:
I thought I knew what would happen. I was writing from an outline, and yes, from a lot of my own experiences. The outline served to keep me from getting stuck. If I didn't know what was supposed to happen next, I would turn to the outline for a little guidance. But I didn't stick to that outline very strictly, so it didn't take long for you, Jane, Peter, and everyone else to become your own selves and give me plenty of surprises.
For example, I didn't realize how Irish-Catholic Jane's family life was going to be. Looking back now, it fills in a lot of blanks for Jane's perspective on the world, but it didn't appear in the outline at all.
Also, I had no idea that you, Beth, were going to get the last word in this story. I didn't foresee the big fight about the suburbs vs. the city for Jane and Peter. And I was absolutely flabbergasted when Bianca revealed Jane's adoption plans to Howard. I didn't know that was going to happen until I was typing the words. Days like those were a lot of fun for me.
B:
You adopted a baby girl from China yourself, didn't you? How much of what happens to me and to my mom came from your own experience?
JS: That's the question that everyone asks me, so let's put it all on the table. Yes, I did adopt my daughter from China, and yes, it did inspire the story for this book. So yes, the heart of the book is mine, all mine.
But of course I played with the particulars of my story to develop it into a full-fledged novel. Jane has different experiences than I did. Sometimes, I would steal aspects of friends' lives, and sometimes I made things up out of thin air. Even though Jane got to do a number of things that I did, Jane is not me. And the people around her are really and truly fictional characters. Remember, these characters took on a life of their own as I was writing them and gave me a lot of surprises.
Of course, no one is ever going to believe me, but this book is not my memoir. My memoir would have to include lots of mundane afternoons of laundry, diaper changing and making mac and cheese.
B:
What do you think the pluses of adoption are?
JS:
There are more pluses to adoption than I could ever name, but I'll offer a few highlights. Adopting my daughter was the bestâand by the way, the coolest thingâI ever did.
While I was working on the adoption paperwork, I was conscious of my choice to become a parent and how easily I could pull the plug on the whole operation right up until the last minute. I really owned this decision. As a result, my daughter is a child who was really, really wantedâby me. Sometimes, I look at her and realize how far away she was born, and I'm overwhelmed with appreciation that she's my kd.
Since we don't have any genetics in common, adoption has really freed me up to let her be herself. If she's good at music (which she is) or at drawing (which she is), it's her own gift, not something that she got from “my side of the family” I don't find myself lookng for more Sheehan in her. I'm really free to let her be herself.
B:
Are you adopted and did you grow up with siblings? Do you think being an only child is a plus or a minus?
JS:
Oh, Beth. I am the tenth of twelve children. Tenth of twelve. That's a lot of siblings. And we're all biological kds: none of us was adopted. While it's great to have so many personalities in one family, I personally think that twelve is too many. No matter how devoted a parent may be, it goes against the laws of physics to say that there could be enough time for all twelve children. And, by the way, our house contained twelve kds, two parents, and just one bathroom. Now that's crazy!
Sometimes I feel guilty that my daughter is an only child. Maybe she should have at least one sibling. But one of the things that I say to her is, “No one gets everything. You get what you get, so don't get upset.” The minuses of being an only child may get counterbalanced by the attention and time she gets from me. And she'll never have to wait quite so long to get in the bathroom.
B:
How did you feel when you first met your daughter? Was it like how my mom, Jane, says she felt about me?
JS: Jane and I definitely shared this experience, because seeing my daughter for the first time was the purest happiness I've ever known.
When I wrote scenes like that one, I felt like a Method actor/ writer because I'd be sitting at my keyboard crying as I relived some of the most emotional aspects of my journey to China. When I wrote about Jane seeing her daughter's face for the first time, I floated through the rest of the day as if I had just seen my own child for the first time too. In the book, I make a reference to
West Side Story,
and the way that Tony and Maria can't see anyone else in the room because they're so in love with each other. That's exactly how I felt.
Sometimes I worry that my daughter will grow up to resent how I pillaged this intimate experience for a book. I hope that she won't feel that way. I hope that she'll see that this was a story that needed telling, and I hope that we'll both know that it helped others to really grasp the extreme joy associated with adoption.
B:
Why do you think my mom decided to adopt me instead of having in vitro or one of those new things doctors do?
JS:
I have a lot of respect for the women who undergo the many infertility treatments out there. They're physically fighting for the child that is meant to be theirs. But, since I got to create Jane, I got to decide what child was meant to be hers. And that was you, Beth. You were meant to be Jane's daughter.
Beyond that, I think that Jane might feel that she is sidestepping a certain amount of criticism by exercising the Dan Quayle Was Right idea. Jane decides that two parents are better than one, and that one parent is better than zero. By adopting a child with zero parents, she can satisfy her very deep need to be a mother and make that child's life at least somewhat better.
I just can't picture Jane going through in vitro or any other path to motherhood. Once she sees the photo of the little girl in the red bathing suit, she is drawn to China and to you, Beth.
B:
My mom makes me go to Mandarin lessons now that I'm older. Do you make your daughter go? How much do you make your daughter study Chinese traditions, and does she like it?
JS: Ha ha ha. As long as your mom is in charge of you, you'll be taking Mandarin lessons and learning all about your Chinese heritage, like it or not.
I'm happy to say that my daughter goes to a school that is about 96 percent Chinese and that she has studied some Mandarin and some Chinese dance. The interesting thing here is that some of her peers refused to believe that she was born in China because she isn't as fluent in any Chinese language as they are. She is Chinese-American, with an emphasis on the American. Sometimes she uses Irish expressions that I got from my parents or grandparents, and it makes me realize what a unique little person she is becoming.
It's important for her to know the reality of her backgroundâ where she came from and how she came to be here with me. But it's a constant reminder that I am not really at the wheel of control here. She takes in all of these influences and ideas, shakes them around, and turns them into her one-of-a-kind personality. She is quite a girl. You'd like her.