Andy Squared (8 page)

“I remember. Why?” he asked suspiciously. Sarah was pretty. Gorgeous, really, he supposed, though she had been his friend for so long he couldn't see her that way. She could be any guy's type of girl: funny, smart, sporty but feminine, and beautiful.

Ryder took a deep breath and breathed out before speaking softly. “She's not my type because she's a girl. I like guys, Andy. I'm…gay.”

Andrew stared at him in complete shock over his confession. Well…that wasn't what he was expecting
.
He looked at the wall, then back at Ryder, and back again to the wall, trying to gather his thoughts. What came out was simply a soft “oh.”

“Oh? That's it?”

“Yeah, oh.” When he really stopped and thought about it, Andrew wasn't surprised. Not like he would've been if the secret had been, say, Charlie's. And something about the admission made him feel strange. Excited. He didn't know what that meant.

“So…we're cool?” Ryder finally asked, looking nervous for the first time since Andrew had met him.

Andrew nodded and flashed him a small grin. “Yeah, we're cool.”

Ryder visibly relaxed.

“So, uh…when did you know?”

“That I was gay?” Andrew nodded and Ryder focused on the far wall as if recalling a distant memory. “I started to realize I was different at thirteen, but I knew for sure once I hit fourteen.”

“That early?”

“Yep. There was this girl in class that all my friends were pushing me to go out with. I wasn't really interested in her. I mean, she wasn't that cute, but I did it anyway. We went to the movies and then for ice cream. She kind of jumped on me and kissed me at the end, and pushed herself close up against me. It just felt…wrong. Like, disgusting.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. And I realized after that, well, I didn't want what she had to offer. But my friend, Jason, on the other hand, did.”

“Did you and Jason…you know, date or anything?”

“Hell no. Jason is straight. He'd probably have punched me if he knew what I actually thought about him. He didn't care when I told him, though. As long as I didn't hit on him, or do anything really ‘gay' in front of him, whatever that means. He said it opened up more opportunities for him with the ladies.”

They laughed about it, and Andrew relaxed back against the wall. “Did you ever date a guy?” He felt oddly at ease talking about this with Ryder.

“Oh, sure. Plenty of times. Had a serious boyfriend for a while. Well, as serious as you can get when you're sixteen. Name was Kevin Anders. Our fathers knew each other from the military, and he lived over in the next town. Another military brat. We hung out all the time. Messed around. Until his mother caught us.”

“She caught you? Doing what?” Andrew asked, horrified at the thought of any mother catching her son having sex whether they were gay or straight.

“What do you think? We were having sex. It was the most awkward moment of my life, I can tell you. If I ever get hard and need it to go away fast, I just think about that moment and it's gone like that,” he said, snapping his fingers.

Andrew's heart thumped at the idea of Ryder getting hard.

“I had gone over to his house after school and we were supposed to be there alone. We were in his room, just getting into it and she came home. We didn't hear her, so when she pushed his door open…” He shrugged and looked up at Andrew.

Andrew watched him, intrigued. “What did she do?”

“Told me to get out of her house and not come back. She said she wouldn't tell our fathers if we didn't see each other anymore. So we didn't.”

“Just like that? You didn't see him anymore?”

“Are you dense, man? Both of our fathers are in the military! We'd have been kicked out of our houses, shipped off to boot camp to straighten us out, or worse! I wasn't going to mess with that. Ever hear of Don't Ask, Don't Tell? It might not be around anymore, but it sure as hell still existed then.”

Andrew could not imagine what it would be like to be caught or to have to tell his parents. “I wouldn't be able to tell my dad,” he said after a moment. “I know that. He's cool, but that would be too much for him.”

“Yeah, it's hard. My parents don't know. I mean, I'm sure my mom might suspect it. But she's never asked, and I won't tell. I know she wouldn't tell my dad even if she did know, though.”

“Have you…dated anyone since you've been up here?”

Ryder laughed and shook his head. “No. I haven't been looking.”

“You said before that you had someone in mind, but not Sarah,” Andrew said, unable to keep the topic from drifting back to that.
Who is it he likes? It can't be Josh Grayson. But who else is there?
He tried to picture others in their school but failed. Andrew watched Ryder as he hesitated again and looked up at him. The teasing was gone from his voice when he answered.

“I do have someone in mind. But…right now, I don't think I should do anything about it. I don't want to screw anything up if I'm wrong, you know? It can be hard. Sometimes you fall for someone straight, and it sucks.”

Though Andrew felt a little disappointment, he nodded. He couldn't quite pinpoint why he felt disappointed. Because Ryder wouldn't tell him which guy he'd been watching? It wasn't any of his business if Ryder didn't want to share. But they'd been hanging out so much, it felt like Ryder would tell him before he'd tell anyone else.

Oh well.

Andrew shrugged it off and they talked idly for another thirty minutes before the snow finally slowed enough for them to go out. As they walked out into the silent, late morning, Ryder dropped a hand on his shoulder.

“Thanks for listening. It felt good to get it off my chest.”

“Anytime, Ryder. It's really okay.”

*

The boys rode in from the field after two hours of riding to warm up and get something to eat. Andrew's body ached in places he never thought possible, and Ryder teased him mercilessly as Andrew slid off Magpie and stumbled.

“And you thought you had strong legs.” He laughed, still sitting astride Cobalt. Magpie nickered softly and nudged Andrew's back pocket. He pulled out a sugar cube and held it out for her.

“She's going to get fat with all the sugar she eats,” Andrew said.

“And you're changing the subject yet again.”

Ryder dismounted more gracefully than Andrew had, prompting a slight twinge of jealousy. Even though Ryder had been riding forever, and this was only his second day, he still hated being shown up.

“You're doing really well with guiding the horse, but your form when you trot? It sucks. You bounce all over the saddle. You're going to fall off if you go any faster.”

“Shut up,” Andrew responded as they put the riding gear back in the tack room and headed inside.

“I'm trying to help!”

Mrs. Kensington stood in the kitchen again, adding some spices to a soup when they stomped in. “Boots. Off,” she commanded before they could track mud into the rest of the house. They sat on the floor and pulled the boots off, dumped them at the door, and then ran up to Ryder's room.

“We can go back out for another ride later,” Ryder said, flopping back on his bed. Andrew sat on the edge of it gingerly; clothes and books littered the desk chair, preventing him from taking a seat there. “The horses need a rest.”

“Screw the horses. I need a rest. My ass is sore.”

Ryder snorted and grabbed a pillow. He pulled it against him and curled up on his side. “Think Andrea would like riding?”

“I don't know. She might. She likes horses, but never asked for lessons.”

“Is she feeling better?”

“Better enough to be a witch about Danielle.” And continue bothering him about college plans. She needed to lay off.

“Isn't that the job of a sister?” Ryder nudged him with his foot.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

Ryder's room was directly over the kitchen, and they could smell the fresh bread baking in the stove. The room itself, aside from the messy desk and chair, was clean and neat with light brown walls. The comforter and pillows on the bed were black, and the rest of the furniture was cherry-stained pine. On the desk sat Ryder's computer, the screen black. A stack of CDs balanced next to it, with crumpled paper scattered across the top. A few more sheets made it into the small garbage can under the desk.

Andrew noticed the bookcase in the corner, stuffed completely with books of all sizes. “Are all of those yours?”

“Yeah. Brought them up with me.”

“I didn't know you liked to read. I've never seen you read outside of class.”

“Well, when we're hanging out, would you want me to sit there and do nothing but read?” Andrew didn't have to think about it and shook his head. “There you go.”

Ryder pushed himself up on one elbow, resting his head in his hand, with the other arm draped over the pillow. Andrew glanced back at him but didn't say anything; he looked on the verge of revealing something.

“Andrew,” he started, tongue darting out to lick his lips, “have you ever…have you ever kissed a guy?”

“N-no. Of course not.” Andrew snorted and flicked his glance toward the firmly shut door. He could hear Mrs. Kensington moving around in the kitchen, a cabinet door slammed shut and the sound echoed up the stairwell.

“Of course not,” Ryder repeated, softly, shaking his head. He sat up, gaze locked with Andrew's.

“I'm…I'm not…”

“No, of course you aren't.”

The moment stilled.

Without meaning to, Andrew leaned a little closer. His skin felt hot, tight.

Ryder didn't say anything as he moved forward. He placed his warm hand lightly on Andrew's cheek. Andrew leaned into the touch, his lips parting slightly, waiting for Ryder to make a move. When he did, Andrew moved closer to him, hesitating. With his face just a few inches from Ryder's, Andrew licked his lips. He felt his cheeks flame. Ryder leaned forward a little more, their lips almost brushing. It wouldn't take anything more than a tip of his head to close that distance. “Andrew…” Ryder started, his breath gently brushing Andrew's lips.

A knock at the door sent them reeling from each other. When it opened a second later, Ryder's aunt popped her head into the room to find the boys on opposite sides of the bed, Andrew's legs drawn up against his chest and arms clutched around them. “Is…everything all right?” she asked, frowning.

“Yes. We're fine,” Ryder answered for them, an easy grin on his face. Inside, though, Andrew felt like he'd been a naughty little boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar.

“Okay. I just wanted to let you boys know lunch is ready when you want it.”

“Thanks, Aunt Lisa. We'll be right down.”

She hesitated a moment before pulling the door shut after her. Both boys breathed a huge sigh of relief once it clicked and her footsteps sounded on the stairs.

All of Andrew's nerves fired at once. He'd gotten caught up in a moment he didn't understand. “Maybe I should go,” Andrew started.

Ryder caught his hand. “Stay. Please. I'm sorry about that just now. I thought—”

“Let's not talk about it right now, okay?”

“But you'll stay?” Ryder asked, a hint of worry in his voice.

Andrew's pulse raced and his mind reeled from their near kiss. “Don't you think my staying would…make it more awkward?”

“No, I don't.”

Andrew frowned. “All right…I'll stay. At least for lunch,” he added, not promising to stay any longer. “But I don't…I don't know what just happened.”

“It's okay.” Ryder sighed and sat up, brushing a hand through his hair. They both headed downstairs to the kitchen, silent. Ryder teased his aunt when he saw her and sat at the table, acting as if nothing happened, while Andrew felt tense and nervous. Every look Mrs. Kensington gave him set alarms screaming in his mind.

Does she know what just happened?

No, how could she?

Does she maybe suspect something?

Is she looking at me different?

Impossible.

She knows we're just friends.

Nothing to suspect, right?

Wait, do his aunt and uncle know he's gay?

When Ryder's foot accidentally bumped against his under the table, he nearly jumped out of his skin.

“Are you all right, Andrew?” Mrs. Kensington asked, concern showing in her hazel eyes. Andrew nodded and started to speak, but Ryder cut him off.

“Of course he's all right!” Ryder looked pointedly at Andrew. “You're all right, right?”

“Right.”

“He's just anxious to get back out and ride.” Ryder pushed away from the table and stood. Andrew followed him.

“Yes. Anxious. Thanks for lunch, Mrs. Kensington.”

“Anytime, Andrew,” she smiled, taking their bowls away with hers and watching as they pulled on their boots and jackets and headed out to the barn.

The air outside was even quieter than before. From the short storm a few hours earlier, three inches of fresh snow covered the ground, and their steps crunched it down. The barn was filled with warm air and the scent of hay and horse. Cobalt and Magpie seemed to know they were going out again and were waiting for them, their heads peering out of their stalls.

The boys worked in silence, Andrew lost in his own thoughts. The few times Ryder looked over at him, Andrew's mind raced. So much going through his head, his eyes stared at the horse but didn't really see her. The start of a battle raged in his mind, and every time his thoughts started to make sense, images of Ryder's lips so close to his came flooding back. He tried to shut down his visions, but couldn't. If he tried to redirect them, the images just came back.

Ryder had almost kissed him. His lips…so close.

Why had he done that?

Why did I lean toward him? I was just curious. That's all.