Annie Burrows (22 page)

With that, he turned away and stalked off.

Lydia sat down with a thud on the nearest bench, his condemnatory words ringing in her ears.

She was
not
incapable of love. She had loved
him
for years. Against her better judgement...

Which was a kind of lack of trust.

But then she hadn’t ever dared believe he might change his mind about marriage, back then, and want to marry her. So she hadn’t spoiled what precious few moments they shared with her problems. She hadn’t thought he would be interested...

Lack of trust.

But how could she have trusted him? He’d made it so plain that he didn’t want to get married.

Except...last night he’d said he
had
meant that proposal. That he’d wanted her
more than anything.
That he’d never stopped wanting her, even when he thought he hated her for
choosing Colonel Morgan, instead of me...

She went cold inside.

He was right. She had misjudged him. First as a youth, and now as a man.

She’d blamed everyone around her for her predicament and borne it like some kind of martyr. But it had been her own fault. She hadn’t trusted him.

Well, she hadn’t trusted
anyone.
She had thought she had to rescue Cissy all on her own. She had been terrified of having to find a husband during her Season, because she hadn’t believed the man existed who would take both her and her unfortunate sister. Her guardian had been so strident about what society thought about people like her. He said that everyone thought they should be locked away from normal people and the fact that her father hadn’t done so was just another example of his poor judgement. Which in turn had led to the mountain of debt and chaos he’d left in his wake.

She’d believed him and that was what had made her Season so horrific. There were so many prettier, wealthier, more accomplished girls in town and such a dearth of eligible men, let alone the kind of men who exhibited the slightest symptom of being amenable to a plea for clemency for her poor unfortunate sister.

Nicholas had accused her of preferring the Colonel’s bargain to real love back then...but she hadn’t
known
she’d had a choice! At least, she hadn’t dared to believe she had a choice. And the Colonel had been so concerned when he’d found her ill on his sofa, and so taken by what he termed her fragile beauty, that she’d felt the first flicker of hope that he might be the one...

The one who would give Cissy a home.

The only one she could believe might really do so.

And now...well, she hadn’t dared let herself think of ever marrying again, because she hadn’t thought there was a man alive who would agree to her terms.

And it wasn’t that nobody measured up to the Colonel. The Colonel hadn’t seen Cissy when he agreed to become responsible for her. Besides, her limitations were far more obvious now she was in her early twenties than they had been at fourteen. He’d been able to think of her as a child. And accept her as a child. She’d fitted into the schoolroom quite well at first. Only when his own daughters had overtaken her, while she’d stayed exactly the same, had he truly seen how deep the damage had gone. But by then Cissy had won him over with her total hero-worship.

But now Lord Rothersthorpe was saying that he would have been prepared to have Cissy living with them. For her sake.

She bent double for the pain that gripped her stomach. She’d let her guardian’s attitude sink into her and take root like a poisonous weed. She’d believed all men would be like him, deep down.

But it hadn’t been true. It had never been true.

The Colonel had never shown the slightest sign of revulsion for Cissy, nor had Robert. On the contrary—they’d both gone out of their way to protect her.

And all the men who’d come here courting Rose had been tolerant of her, to varying degrees. Lieutenant Smollet was strict with her, but not unkind—rather like the Colonel had been. He could calm her down when she grew boisterous. And she felt safe with him—that was why she adored him.

Mr Bentley made a fuss of her dog and treated her as though she was in truth the same age as Michael.

Lieutenant Tancred had made a game out of the way she mispronounced everyone’s names, encouraging everyone to call Lord Abergele ‘Lord Beagle’ to his face.

And Lord Beagle himself had never appeared shocked or embarrassed by her. In fact, the pair of them had reached a kind of rapport when Cissy discovered he could always produce edible treats from his pockets between meals.

Even George Lutterworth treated her no worse than he did his own sister.

All week, she’d been denying the evidence of her own eyes and kept right on believing what her guardian had told her.

By doing so, she’d wrecked any chance for happiness with Lord Rothersthorpe. Twice over.

She had misjudged him.

And she had hurt him.

She hated what he’d forced her to see about herself. She’d thought she’d always striven to do the right thing, but she’d really just been a coward when it came to love. She’d always played it safe. Been too timid to take risks.

Was he right? Was she incapable of trusting anyone? Or really loving a man?

She’d certainly never had to risk her heart with her first husband. He hadn’t been interested in it. Only in her body and her capabilities as a housekeeper.

It had been a
safe
arrangement. For her heart.

And ever since Lord Rothersthorpe had come back into her life she’d been talking herself out of loving him. Putting the worst possible interpretation on all his behaviour, to give herself an excuse for doing so. Looking for the worst, she’d found it. Even this afternoon, she’d assumed he’d been attempting to seduce Rose. And even when it had turned out not to be the case, she’d then condemned him for ‘helping’ her for nefarious reasons.

What was she to do? Could she let him leave tomorrow, thinking she was as cold and shallow as he’d just accused her of being?

Admittedly, she’d made a mess of things with him, but she’d had her reasons.

But...why should he listen to anything she had to say? Now?

Oh, what was the point of even attempting to make him listen? It was over.

She buried her face in her hands.

Why couldn’t she be more like Rose, who’d been courageous enough to fight for what—no—who she wanted? She’d never fought for Lord Rothersthorpe. She’d always talked herself out of hoping she had a chance with him. Even now, she was just...just sitting here, bemoaning her fate!

Could she dare take a leaf out of Rose’s book?

Rather shakily, she got to her feet.

It probably wouldn’t work, but then what did she have to lose? He couldn’t think any less of her than he already did. And if she achieved nothing else, she could not let him leave thinking she hadn’t
wanted
to marry him when she’d been younger. It was too cruel to let him carry on thinking she’d discounted him out of hand, or considered him unworthy of a reply.

Her hands trembled as she picked up the lantern. In spite of telling herself she couldn’t make things worse by going to him and trying to explain, doubts and fears rose up in legions as she made her way across the lawn. The grotesque shadows cast by her bobbing lantern were like goblins leaping and whirling round her in a mocking dance. Silently taunting her with her many, many faults. She was cowardly. She didn’t trust anyone. She was hollow. She was heartless.

And she was probably about to make a colossal fool of herself.

Even if he let her into his room, why would he listen to a word she had to say?

But she was done with sitting back, and thinking the worst, and only half living. How would she find out if there was any chance he might have it in him to forgive her, unless she went and asked?

To paraphrase what Rose had said that afternoon, there was only one Lord Rothersthorpe. She would never find another man like him. She would never feel about another man the way she felt about him. And if she didn’t stand up and, just for once, fight for what they could have, she didn’t deserve him.

When she reached his room she did not knock. In the mood he’d left her, he was unlikely to let her in. She just opened the door and walked in.

He was standing, shirtless, by his washstand, looking as though he’d just tipped the entire contents of the jug over his head. Water dripped from his hair, trickled down his chest and dripped from his chin into the basin over which he was leaning. He whirled round, glared at her, then reached for a towel and began mopping at his face and chest. ‘What do you want?’ He raked her body with an insolent appraisal. ‘I am in no mood to satisfy your desires tonight. You should leave.’

He looked dangerously angry. But she stood her ground. She had learned something from Rose today. If you loved a man, then it was worth fighting for him.

‘I am not going to leave,’ she declared. ‘Not until I have...apologised.’

‘You think an apology will make it all better? I am not a child.’ He flung the wet towel on to the wash stand and planted his hands on his hips.

‘No. I do not think an apology will make it better.’ She put her lantern on the floor. ‘But at least an explanation might help you to understand.’

‘I very much doubt it.’ He took a pace towards her. ‘Get out of here, Lydia,’ he growled. ‘Before I pick you up and throw you out.’

‘If you do that, I will scream. And everyone will know that I have been in your room. There will be a scandal.’

‘You think I care?’ He advanced another step, a look of cold purpose on his face. ‘You think a man who has just had his hopes and dreams shattered, had his heart broken for the second time by the same deceitful, treacherous, self-centred woman, will really care about dragging her name through the mud?’

‘I never meant to break your heart.’

He placed his hands round her waist.

‘I never even suspected you loved me.’

He lifted her off the floor and began to walk her towards the door.

If she didn’t think of something, fast, she was going to be out on the corridor with the door bolted in her face.

Chapter Fifteen

‘N
icholas, please, listen to me! It wasn’t
all
my fault! You swore you didn’t want to get married.
You
made me believe we could never be more than friends!’

He came to a standstill, his jaw working.

‘And I couldn’t tell you about Cissy. My guardian said he didn’t want me bringing shame to the family by admitting we had someone like that in it. He made me promise never to speak about her to
any
man, until
after
I’d got a proposal from him.’

‘You didn’t tell me about her. And I proposed.’

‘I would have told you if you’d given me a chance. But you ran from the room the minute the words left your lips. And you didn’t come back, Nicholas. You didn’t come back.’

His fingers were digging into her flesh. He wouldn’t look at her, but at least he’d stopped his inexorable march to the door.

‘I...I concede that it would have been difficult for you to break your word,’ he grated, lowering her to the floor.

‘Yes.’

He still looked grim, but at least he was listening.

‘I dared not tell
anyone.
He had made me agree to so many restrictions in return for funding me for that Season. And I dared not break any of them, for fear of what he might do to Cissy. He’d already sent her away from home. He wouldn’t tell me where he’d sent her. He said it was none of my business. That he was her guardian and it was for him to dictate her fate. Especially since he was obliged to pay for it.’

‘The man sounds like a complete bastard,’ he said grimly.

‘N-no, to be fair, my father had left his affairs in rather a mess. And the poor man, coming into what he thought was going to be a handsome estate, found only debts and dependants when he came to take possession.’

‘Still, he had no need to be so unkind...’

‘I don’t think he saw what he did as being unkind. He funded me out of his own pocket, you know. And I think he genuinely believed that Cissy would be better off being...
looked after by professionals.
’

He winced as she used the very same phrase he’d used himself. It was hard to deliver such a cruel reminder of the things he’d said, but she had to make her point.

‘Maybe there are places where the warders are kind to the inmates, but that was not the case at the place she was in. They...’ She shuddered. ‘They...they tried to...cure her. She was upset and confused when she first got there, because our father had just died and then this stranger walked into our house and told us our home was no longer ours, but his.’

‘Stranger?’

‘Yes. We had never met him before. He was some cousin of my father’s, I think. I can’t really recall. That time was so upsetting. The estate was entailed and, because my brother had died, it passed to the nearest—’

‘Male relative, yes, I understand all about entails.’

‘And then he sent her away to a place where they just locked her in her room, saying she was being difficult and had to learn to behave. Then they did other things to her, too. Barbaric things. All in the name of treatment. So that by the time we found out where she was, Colonel Morgan and I, she was...an absolute mess. That scene, the day you arrived...well it was as nothing compared to the state she was in then.’

He hitched in an affronted breath.

‘Do you seriously believe that I am the kind of man who would condemn any fellow human to such suffering...?’

‘No! No—not deliberately. But I don’t suppose my guardian knew what that place was really like either. He just took advice from some medical man he knew and packed her off there without even looking at it. He had a horror of that kind of infirmity and never set foot in the place, to my knowledge. But anyway, no matter what kind of place it is, or how pleasant the staff might be, I
promised
Cissy that I would never send her away from home again. And I never will. I couldn’t be so cruel!’

‘I see,’ he said, his face bleak. ‘And I would have seen much sooner, had you deigned to tell me.’

He stared at her grimly, folding his arms across his naked chest.

She wasn’t reaching him.

‘How could I Nicholas? You didn’t c-come back,’ she hiccupped, as a tear ran down her cheek. ‘I...I suppose you are going to say I should have waited for you. That I should have believed that you would return...that I...should have trusted you. But...you are right about me. I do find it hard to trust anyone. I compare myself to Rose at that age...’ She shook her head, furiously swiping at the tears which were running down both cheeks now. ‘She is so strong. So confident. But then she has always been sheltered, and loved...not like...m-me.’

‘Oh, please...’

‘No. No, you have to listen. My whole family started to fall apart when I was only ten. When my brother brought the measles home from school, we both, Cissy and I, took it from him. T-Thomas had never been all that strong and died quite quickly. Cissy seemed as if she was getting better, only to relapse into some sort of brain fever. Mama and Papa were distraught. Mama seemed to just...give up. She died not long after we buried Thomas. And then Papa buried himself...in a bottle. He knew that Cissy became almost deaf, but I don’t think he ever grasped the full extent of her problems. But I took care of her from then on. So I knew...’

She paused, grappling for the right words. ‘It was as though her mind stopped growing. As though her ability to grow up was destroyed, somehow, during that brain fever. B-but that was not all. I didn’t see it before you challenged me tonight, but I think I was damaged, too. You see...’ she gulped ‘...my parents were devastated by losing their son, the heir. And Papa was also upset by Cissy’s hearing loss. But the fact that I made a full recovery didn’t seem to mean anything. I was no consolation to anyone. And though I tried and tried to make things better for him, and for Cissy, nothing worked.

‘I think I got so used to not mattering, that when I came to London for my Season, I just couldn’t believe anyone could love me. Let alone a man like you...’

She caught at her lower lip and hung her head. She felt his arm go round her shoulders.

‘Come,’ he said, leading her to the bed and sitting her down on it. ‘I can see that my attitude didn’t help you to place your faith in me back then. You were going through a kind of hell, and I was...’

He took his arm away and clasped his hands between his knees.

‘One by one, all the adults around you, all the people you should have been able to rely on, had all let you down.’

‘Not deliberately.’

‘But they did it just the same.’

He stared at the floorboards between his feet. ‘You learned you had only yourself to rely on, even before that guardian came along and taught you that men could be selfish and cruel, as well as unreliable.’

She nodded.

‘He saw straight away that Cissy was not behaving like a normal fourteen-year-old. It was more obvious to him than Papa, who...had not been looking at anything clearly for a long time.’

‘No wonder,’ he said grimly, ‘you developed a will of iron. You hid it under a façade of meekness, but underneath that gentle demeanour you displayed during your Season, you were determined to find a husband. And not just any husband, but one you could persuade to let you have Cissy back. And all this time I thought...well, even after you told me, just yesterday, that you’d driven a hard bargain with your Colonel, I assumed it was because you were too delicate to go out and work for a living.’

She pulled herself up straight.

‘People are always making that mistake about me and I hate it! Everyone thinks I am some fragile blossom that needs protecting, a silly chit with no brain in my head...’ She drew in a shuddering great breath, her tears evaporating in the heat of anger.

‘I could have tolerated having to work for a living, if it had only been me. But if I had become a governess, or a teacher, how would I ever have had either the freedom, or the means, to find her, rescue her and give her a home? Perhaps I should have defied my guardian and broken my promise, and told you all about her. Perhaps I should have listened to my heart and taken a chance on being able to change your mind about marriage, but I loved you. How could I trap you into a relationship you claimed never to want and burden you with a dependant that I’d been given to believe most people would abhor? I couldn’t do that to you. Besides, I...I wasn’t brave enough.’

Her strength ebbed as her fury dimmed, leaving her tired, weak and shaky. ‘I am not surprised, not really, that you have changed your mind about wanting to marry me.’ She got up. ‘I understand. But I hope that at least you can forgive me. That in future, when you think of me, it won’t be with too much bitterness. I know I let you down, badly...’

She walked to the door, but paused with her hand on the latch.

‘Above all, though, I don’t want you to go away believing that I was using you just for sexual gratification. It wasn’t like that between us. When we met up again, you acted as though you hated me. But when you offered me an affair, I snatched at it, just as I snatched at your offer of friendship when we were younger. Both times I truly believed it was all I could ever have of you. I thought when you married, it would be to a nice young virgin. Not a widow with a son. Not to mention a sister who will hardly let her out of her sight.’

She leaned her forehead against the door, completely unable to turn round and look at him.

‘I hope you find someone who will be all the things I cannot be for you. I truly do. I want you to be happy.’

He got to his feet, uttering an oath. ‘Would you be happy with any other man?’

She froze and closed her eyes tight shut. She already knew she couldn’t. Oh, she’d found a kind of contentment with Colonel Morgan, but it had taken time and a good deal of resolve.

She shook her head.

‘Then, dammit,’ he said, striding across the room, seizing her by her elbow and tugging her round to face him. ‘How the devil can you expect me to be happy with any other woman?’

‘B-but you said that I was hollow. Not a real woman at all. That...’

‘Do you mean to fling every stupid word I’ve uttered, when I was so angry I hardly even knew what I was saying, back in my face? Lydia, I love you. You, you...you foolish woman.’

With that, he hauled her into his arms and crushed her to his chest.

‘But how can you?’ Her words came out somewhat muffled, but he heard her.

‘Well, if it comes to that, how can you love me?’ He leaned back and lifted her chin with one hand, so that he could see her face.

‘When we first met I was a callow, selfish boy. When I began to suspect I was falling in love with you I deliberately distanced myself from you, several times, only to get drawn back like a moth to a flame.’

He cupped her cheek with one hand. ‘I accused you of not trusting me, but was it any wonder? I’ve got to take my share of the blame. I’d already seen that it wasn’t surprising that you found it hard to believe I really meant that proposal. I kept on blowing hot, then cold, didn’t I? And in part, it was because I didn’t dare start to think seriously about you. You see, I had the devil of a reputation, which wasn’t just down to the way I behaved, but stemmed from what my family has been like. The number of times I heard chaperons warning their charges about my “bad blood”.’

She had a sudden searing memory of him talking about unmarriageable people sticking together. She’d thought he’d meant her. But he included himself in that description. It wasn’t so much that he hadn’t wanted to marry, but that he thought no decent girl would have him.

‘I was hardly the kind of man any girl would take seriously back then, let alone one who needed so much more from marriage than most.’

Oh—then her apparent refusal must have hurt him so very much more than she’d ever imagined.

‘Nicholas...I never thought you were as bad as they said. You were so kind to me. So patient. Oh, if only I had waited for you to come back and told you about Cissy, you would have found a way to rescue her, w-wouldn’t you? You are the man who turned his fortunes round, and made everyone who’s ever said bad things about you eat their words... Oh, why didn’t I just...hang on to hope?’

Tears poured down her cheeks as she saw what damage her lack of trust had done. What needless misery she’d wrought...

‘Stop right there,’ he said sternly. ‘I won’t have you blaming yourself. The truth is that neither of us had the confidence to fight for our love. I realise now that I should have told Mrs Westerly, straight away, that I’d proposed. And that I intended to turn my life round and prove I was worth you taking a chance on. Only...I thought I’d stand a better chance of vanquishing the old dragon, and of impressing you, if I could produce a marriage licence and a stash of money from my pockets.’

‘Oh, Nicholas. I thought you’d just...’

He folded her into his arms. ‘Shh...I know what you must have thought. And I’m sorry I acted in such a way that led you to think so poorly of me.’

‘But if only I’d trusted you more, and told you about Cissy, and explained how desperate I was to get married...even as just a friend, not expecting anything more, then...’

He shook his head. ‘How could you have broken a promise? I would not love you so much if you were the kind of woman who could so easily go back on her word.’

His face swam as even more tears gathered in her eyes.

‘You still love me? You really mean it?’

‘I don’t blame you for finding it hard to believe. I was horrid to you when we first met up again, wasn’t I? I was still carrying a weight of bitterness.’

She hugged him hard. ‘Rose guessed at once. She said you would not have been so bitter if I had not hurt you.’

‘Well, if you did it was my own stupid fault for blowing hot and cold. For not speaking up when I had a chance to win you. I knew you loved me. I... God, that makes me sound such a coxcomb, doesn’t it?’

‘No. You are not a coxcomb. I did love you. I tried to hide it from you...’

He shook his head. ‘You used to look at me with your heart in your eyes. It scared the hell out of me.’