Annihilate Me (3 page)

Nothing.

Because,
if I was being honest with myself, what he just said is exactly what I wanted
to hear, though I’d never admit it to him.
 
Not yet.
 
We’d moved beyond
the past and into another stage.
 
To
him, I was his girlfriend.
 
And I
was as thrilled about it as I was nervous about it.
 

What
the hell was I going to do when he wanted to become intimate?

CHAPTE
R TWO

The
next week passed in a blur.
 
And
while I didn’t see Alex as much as I wanted to because we both worked
nights—me at the restaurant, he at the events he needed to
attend—we met twice for breakfast, we spoke when we could by phone, we
texted each other throughout the day, and he always picked me up when the
restaurant closed.
 

Each
night, he was fresh from a party and in a tuxedo, looking dashing.
 
Though increasingly, he also looked
either distracted or stressed.
 
Tonight was no exception.
 

When
I left the restaurant, he was leaning against the limousine with his feet
crossed at the ankles and his arms folded across his chest.
 
He smiled when he saw me, and we kissed
for a long, lingering moment, but something was off.
 
I could sense it, and I had to wonder if
he was having second thoughts about reigniting this relationship, probably
because we still hadn’t slept together.
 
By today’s standards, that should have happened after the event at the
museum.
 
But, despite his efforts,
it didn’t.

At
the end of the night, he asked me up to his penthouse at Wenn and made an
effort to progress in that direction, but I told him I wasn’t ready.
 
He said there was no hurry, but he might
go nuts if he had to wait much longer.
 
He had no clue that I was still a virgin.
 
And he didn’t know the reasons why I was
still a virgin.
 
At some point, if I
was going to continue this relationship with him, I would have to tell him all
that I needed to tell him about me and my past.
 
Sooner rather than later.
 
It was unfair to him otherwise.

When
we were in the limousine, I put my hand on his leg, and he wrapped his arm
around my shoulder.
 
“Hey,” he said.

“How
do you feel about taking me to your place tonight?” I asked.
 
“I need to talk to you about
something.
 
Well, a few things,
actually.”

“Is
everything all right?”

“I
just need to talk to you, Alex.”

“That
sounds ominous.”

He
lived on the top two floors of Wenn, where his parents once lived.
 
The space was now his.
 
When I first saw it, I wasn’t surprised
to find how beautifully designed and decorated it was.
 
Save for the colorful, original
paintings on the walls, everything was white, from the furniture to the marble
floors.
 
At this height, the city
views beyond the sweeping surround of windows were spectacular.

“Would
you like something to drink?” he asked when we stepped out of his private
elevator and into the foyer.

“A
martini would be nice.”

“You
are
a martini girl, aren’t you?”

“Guilty.”

“Actually,
after today, I wouldn’t mind one myself.
 
Give me a few minutes.
 
If
you’d like, take off your shoes and relax in the living room.
 
You’ve been on your feet all night.”

“You
sound tense,” I said as I moved into the room.

“A
little.
 
But we’ll save talking
about that for another time.
 
Right
now, I just want to be with you.”

Why is he tense?

I
looked out at the views, listened to him shake our drinks in the kitchen, and
then turned to him when he entered the living room with them.
 
He handed me mine, and we touched
glasses.
 
He kissed me meaningfully
on the mouth, and we took a sip before sitting down next to each other on the
leather sofa.

“Have
I told you that you look beautiful tonight, Jennifer?”

“Maybe
once or twice.
 
And I’ll
repeat—you look very handsome yourself, Mr. Wenn.”
 

“How
was work?”

“Busier
than usual.
 
You?”

We
sat on the sofa.
 

“Another
time.
 
What’s on your mind?
 
You’ve made me curious.”

My
stomach started to turn, but there was no stopping this now.
 
I had to go through with it.
 
I took a sip of my martini, and put it
on the table in front of us.
 
“Alex,
I need to tell you something.”

He
didn’t respond.
 
He just stared at
me, concern and maybe even a trace of fear on his face.
 
But why fear?
 
Did he think I was going to break this
off?

“This
is going to sound ridiculous,” I said.
 
“I’m twenty-five, for God’s sake.”

“Jennifer,
nothing you have to say to me is going to sound ridiculous.”

“Are
you sure?
 
Because here’s one for
you.
 
I’ve never been with anyone
before.”

His
brow furrowed as if he didn’t understand.
 

Just say it.

“I’m
a virgin.”

His
eyes widened.
 
“You’re a virgin?”

I
nodded and felt a rush of shame.
 
There were reasons why I had never given myself to a man.
 
Reasons that made me feel insecure in
this relationship now.

“Is
that why, you know, the other night...?”

“That’s
right.”

A
weight seemed to lift off him.
 
And
there was something else, something in his eyes.
 
A thrill?
 
He reached for my hand.
 
“You didn’t need to tell me that.”

“Yes,
I did.
 
You needed to know.
 
I can’t expect you to wait for me
forever.
 
And I didn’t want to send
you mixed signals, or make you feel that I didn’t want to be with you, because
I do.
 
I want to be with you more
than anything.
 
I think about it all
the time.
 
But there’s something
bigger behind this.
 
It’s one of the
reasons I blew up at you at The Met fundraiser.
 
It’s the reason why I protect myself so
fiercely.
 
It’s something from my
past that sometimes creeps into the present.”

“You
don’t have to talk about this.”

“Yes,
I do.”

“Not
if you feel unsafe.”

“I
do feel safe.
 
I need to get this
out into the open and just be done with it.
 
When I tell you, you might be finished
with me.
 
You might think, ‘too much
baggage.’”

“I
seriously doubt that.”
 

“OK.
 
Well, when I was a kid, my father beat
me.
 
He’d get drunk, and he’d take
out his anger on me and my mother, who never reported him to the authorities or
to child services.
 
I’m not going to
go through the laundry list of all that he did to us, but you need to
understand that sometimes those memories come flooding back.
 
I have trust issues with men because of
it.
 
I still have nightmares about
what he did to me, which is another reason I didn’t stay the other night.
 
I didn’t want to freak you out if I had
one.”

He
studied me for a moment.
 
“I
reminded you of your father that night at the Four Seasons, didn’t I?
 
You saw something in me that frightened
you.
 
That’s why you stayed
away.
 
I made you think of your
father, didn’t I?”

“To
a degree, yes.”

“Jennifer,
I’m sorry.”

“Alex,
this isn’t meant to be a guilt trip.
 
It’s just so you have a deeper understanding of who I am.
 
I’m twenty-five, and I have zero
experience with men beyond my father’s abuse.
 
I know you can sense me holding
back.
 
I needed you to know that
it’s not you.
 
It’s me.”

“No,
it isn’t.”
 
He put his drink beside
mine and moved closer to me.
 
“It’s
him.
 
I’m not going to ask what he
did to you.
 
That will come in time,
or it won’t come at all.
 
It's your
choice.
 
The only question I have is
whether it was sexual.
 
Because if
it was, and if you need additional time to feel like you can trust me before
being intimate with me, that’s not an issue.
 
When and if it happens, it will just
make that moment better.”

“None
of it was sexual.
 
He just abused me
verbally and physically.”
 

“Just?”

“Just.
 
It could have been worse.
 
A lot worse.
 
And to be honest with you, I don’t know
if I want to wait much longer.
 
Everything in my life is positive right now.
 
I’m in a good space.
 
I’m with a good man.
 
I know you’re a good man.
 
I know that night at the Four Seasons
was a blip.
 
I get it now.
 
And I’m tired of having my father hold
me back.
 
He’s not going to do so
forever.
 
It’s time to get on with
it.”

“It’s
time to get on with what?”

I
just looked at him.
 
My emotions raw
and naked.
 
I felt fully exposed and
vulnerable at that moment, but also safe with him.

He
was looking hard at me.
 
“What’s the
other reason you wanted to come here tonight, Jennifer?”

“I
didn’t have a reason until a moment ago.”

“What
is it?”

It
was difficult for me to say the words, but I forced myself to.
 
“I want to be with you.
 
I feel like I’ve cheated myself by
waiting so long.
 
I’ve lost years
because of my hangups.
 
And now here
you are, the one man I can see myself with.
 
I think that when we begin, I’m not
going to want to stop.
 
Even now
it’s difficult for me not to touch you.
 
And I want to touch you.”

A
darkness that was brooding with desire came over his face.
 
His eyes, framed by his thick lashes,
narrowed slightly.
 
“Where do you
want to touch me?”

“Everywhere,”
I said.

“You’ve
thought a lot about this, haven’t you?”

More than you know.
 
I nodded and felt myself begin to tremble.

“What
was the last thought you had?” There was a roughness to his voice that had
never been there before.
 
It was
intoxicating.
 

“Touching
your chest.
 
Finally seeing it.”

“When
was this?”

“At
work tonight.”

“What
brought that on?”

I
started to feel hot.
 
“
You
did.
 
I thought of you, and then my mind went
there.
 
I want to know every inch of
your body.
 
I want to know it better
than you do.”

He
wasn’t touching me.
 
He wasn’t
judging me.
 
He was just listening
to me and watching me, but in a way that was different.
 
It was as if he was planning what he was
going to do to me.
 
There was a
predatory look in his eyes.

“Jennifer,
how far do you want to take this?”

“All
the way.”

“That
can be pretty far, and you don’t even know how far I’ll go.
 
I need to warn you of that, because I
will go far.
 
And once I start, it
will be a long time before I stop.”

“I
don’t care so long as I feel safe.
 
But I want it to build.
 
I
want to be surprised.
 
I want to
learn and I don’t want you to hold back.
 
If there’s something you like to do or that you’re into, I want to try
it.
 
I want to experience
everything.”

“Everything?”