Answered Prayers (16 page)

“I'd rather be honest with myself. When I wasn't, I was desperately unhappy, and constantly trying to make my relationship with Pam into something it could never be, and her into someone she never was. Once I accepted what it was, and wasn't, and who she was in my life, and who she could never be, I think I finally made my peace with all of it.”

“Is there someone else in your life?” she asked openly. It was a question she would have asked Jack, but there had never been for him. He had been too obsessed with Debbie to ever cheat on her, although she had cheated on him, and he had been devastated by it when he found out. But no matter what she did to him, he had always taken her back. Faith had always felt that her brother had taken forgiveness and loyalty to an insane degree, where his wife was concerned at least. But it was also what she'd loved in him.

“There was someone else once,” Brad answered as candidly as her brother would have. “I think Pam suspected it, but she never made an issue of it. I don't think she wanted to know. But those things can't go anywhere. They frustrate everyone if you want to stay in your marriage, which I did, and still do. People get hurt. I never felt right about it, and I never did it again. It's easier this way.” He seemed at peace with his situation as it was.

“Would you divorce Pam if you fell in love with someone else?” Faith asked, curious about him now. What he had said over dinner fascinated her, and he was equally intrigued by her, and what made her tick, now that she was an adult, what compromises she had made, in comparison to his own.

“Never,” he said, looking absolutely convinced. “When I married Pam, I meant what I said. For better or worse. Until death do us part. I'm not going to make the same mistakes my parents made. I owe it to my kids, and even now that they're grown up, relatively, they don't need all the misery of parents who hate each other, won't speak to each other, and destroy everything they ever built. I just wouldn't divorce her. And I'm not going to fall in love with anyone else. I wouldn't let that happen again.”

“Neither would I,” Faith said quietly, although she had had no opportunities, but she wouldn't have taken them if she had. For religious reasons if nothing else. But mostly out of respect for her marriage. “I feel the same way about it you do,” she concurred. “All you do is trade one set of problems for another. There are no perfect lives.”

“We're a sorry pair, the two of us,” he laughed, as he paid the check, and then he looked at her seriously. “I'm glad we found each other again, Fred. You're like a gift in my life. You suddenly make it all worthwhile … like a gold coin you thought you lost years ago, and find in the back of a drawer, and not only is it as beautiful as it once was, but you discover it's become even more valuable than it used to be. I love talking to you, and e-mailing you, and getting e-mails from you. You really brighten my days.”

She smiled at him, grateful for what he said. And she felt the same way about him. “It's your fault I'm going back to school. When I'm doing homework at three
A.M.
, I'll blame you,” she teased.

“When you pass the bar, you can leave Alex and come and work for me.”

“Now that would make his worst nightmares come true!” She laughed, and they left the restaurant arm in arm. It was after eleven o'clock by then, and he had to get up early the next day.

“Have you got time to see me tomorrow?” he asked, as they walked down Prince Street, and he hailed a cab.

“Sure. Alex is in L.A. until the end of the week. And Zoe isn't due till the weekend. I'm a free woman, and I've finished my Christmas shopping,” she said proudly, as he made a face.

“I haven't even started mine. I have to do it when I go home.” In his case, it meant a quick stop at Tiffany for Pam. She loved jewelry, and she usually told him exactly what she wanted and had seen recently, to make it easy for him. And it was too complicated to send anything to the boys. He was going to bring them gifts when he went to visit them in the spring. And other than that, he wanted to buy a watch for his secretary, and could do that at Tiffany too. His shopping was of the male variety, done in one or two stores, in under an hour, on Christmas Eve. “Do you want to have dinner again tomorrow night? I think there's a dinner for the conference, but I can duck out of it. Why don't I pick you up at six o'clock? I'll talk to the concierge again and see what he recommends. I thought tonight was pretty good.”

“I thought it was great. My fish was perfect, and I loved the wine.” She hadn't even finished one glass, and Brad laughed at what she said.

“You still eat like a bird, Fred. It's a wonder you don't starve to death.” But she had always been like that, even when they were teenagers. Half the time, she just nibbled invisible quantities of food, and then she'd surprise everyone by eating two hot dogs and a banana split. She had loved banana splits when she was a kid.

He put an arm around her in the cab, and she cuddled up next to him comfortably on the ride home. It was cozy, and she felt safe just being with him. He nourished a deep inner part of her that had been hungry ever since Jack's death. It was a part of her that Alex had never fed.

He got out of the cab and told the driver to wait when they reached her house, and he watched while she turned off the alarm and let herself into the neat little brownstone house.

“I'll see you tomorrow night. I'll call before I come, and let you know what we're doing. Do you want to go someplace fancy?” He would have taken her anywhere she wanted, but she was quick to shake her head.

“I loved tonight. I don't care if we do pizza, or pasta, or burritos. I just want to hang out with you,” she said, and he gave her another hug as she beamed. The evening had been everything she wanted it to be.

“See you tomorrow!” he called out the window, as he drove away in the cab, with a wave, and she closed the door and locked it. And as she walked up the stairs to her bedroom in her big red coat, she had a sense of peace that she hadn't had in years.

9

B
RAD PICKED HER UP, AS PROMISED, AT SIX O'CLOCK THE
next night. All he had told her was that they were going for a simple dinner, and to dress warm, which she had. She wore a big down coat, and a green turtleneck sweater the same color as her eyes, black velvet pants, and fur-trimmed boots. It had gotten cold that day.

“So where are we going?” she asked when he picked her up. He had given the driver the address before she got in.

“You'll see,” he said mysteriously.

They stopped at Saks Fifth Avenue, and walked across the street, and she realized then that they were going to Rockefeller Center, to eat dinner, and watch the people skate around the rink. They sat at a table right in front of the big picture window, and it was fun watching people twirl and do pirouettes and do camel spins, and others stagger around and fall down. Everyone looked like they were having fun, and there were lots of kids among the adults.

“Remember when the three of us used to go skating in Central Park?” Faith asked with eyes full of happy memories and a broad smile. He had thought of taking her there, but decided on this instead. He thought the Wollman Rink in the park would have reminded her too much of Jack, as it would him. They had had so many adventures together, and he had loved them all. Being kids in New York then had been fun. They had lived on the Upper East Side, in a real neighborhood just north of Yorkville, and he and Jack had gone to the same school.

“Obviously I remember,” he said with a superior expression. “That's why we're here. I thought maybe after dinner, we'd take a spin. Or a spill as the case may be. I haven't skated in about twenty years. They don't ice-skate much in California.” The three of them had gone skating as kids at least once or twice a week. Jack had even been on the hockey team at school.

“You mean skate? Here?” She looked surprised and amused, but she loved the idea. “That would be fun!”

“I'm glad you think so too. You can pick me up when I fall flat on my ass.”

“Don't count on it. I haven't skated since we were kids.” She had taken the girls skating frequently when they were small, but sat on the sidelines and watched.

“Good. Then we're evenly matched.”

They ordered dinner, and Faith realized she was rushing through it so they could get to the ice. He had timed it perfectly. They had a six-thirty reservation, and finished punctually at eight o'clock, just in time for the next session. They went into the locker room to rent skates, while a man on the Zamboni was cleaning the ice. And by the time they had the skates on, the session had begun.

Faith ventured out gingerly onto the ice before Brad. She felt unsteady at first, and wondered if it had been too long. But by the time she had gone around the rink twice, she was surprised by how confident she was beginning to feel. Brad was skating alongside her by then, unsteadily initially, but like her, he found his sea legs faster than he thought. They had both been fairly decent skaters once upon a time. And within half an hour, they were skating around the rink happily hand in hand, and having a great time.

“I can't believe I can still do this,” Faith said, feeling surprisingly competent, with bright pink cheeks and her hair flying in the wind, as she looked up at Brad. She was glad she had brought gloves with her, after his warning to dress warm. She had had no idea what he had in mind, and wondered if he wanted to go for a long walk, or something equally sedate. She had never anticipated this, but was thrilled he'd thought of it. It was like a time warp into their past.

“You're still pretty good, Fred.” He had no sooner said it than she took a spill on the ice, but he gave her a hand up as they both laughed, and took off again.

Two hours later, they were both exhausted, but delighted with what they'd done. They turned in the skates with regret, but Brad admitted that if he had stayed on his skates for another hour, he might have died.

“I must be getting old,” he complained unconvincingly, but he didn't fool Faith. “I'm going to ache from head to foot tomorrow.”

“Me too, but it was worth every minute of it,” she smiled. She hadn't had as much fun since she was a child. It had been a terrific idea. “God, do you remember all those times we went skating with all your friends, and you guys let me tag along. You were always trying to chase girls, and I was always screwing it up for both of you. I used to do it to you on purpose, because I had such a big crush on you. I was about twelve or thirteen.”

“So how come I didn't marry you instead of Pam? Dumb, I guess,” he teased. There was no romantic overtone between them and hadn't been since they were kids in their early teens.

“I think I got over the crush when I was fourteen,” she laughed. It had actually been sixteen, when he went to college and she discovered other boys. But until then, for about eight years, she had thought the sun rose and set on Brad. And now that they had found each other again, she still did.

They walked slowly up toward Fifth Avenue, glowing from the cold, and feeling the exercise, but they were both relaxed and at peace. And as they stood on the corner, looking for a cab, Faith looked up at St. Patrick's Cathedral and had an idea.

“Do you want to go in and light a candle for Jack?” she asked solemnly, and the look in her eyes nearly broke his heart. She lit candles for him at mass several times a week.

“Sure.” He hadn't been to church in years, although he had gone to church with her and Jack and their mother when they were all kids. He was Episcopalian, but he liked the pomp and ceremony of the Catholic Church, and had taken communion with them once or twice to see what it was like in a Catholic church, and was surprised to find it was no different than in his. The Catholic Church had always seemed more mysterious and impressive to him. And Jack dared him to go to confession once, and he was surprised by how kind the priest had been.

There was a lot about Catholicism that had always appealed to him, although he had drifted away from his own church too in recent years. Faith still went to church regularly, but Alex wasn't religious, and resisted it energetically, and she had never been able to sell it to her kids. It was something she did on her own, but she had gone more frequently ever since her brother died. Instead of once or twice, she now went several times a week. It gave her a sense of communion with him, and of peace. It was the only way she had found consolation from his death. Brad didn't say anything as he followed her across the street to the church.

It was just after ten o'clock, and the doors were still open. There were beautiful Christmas decorations and poinsettias everywhere, and the church was spectacularly lit. It was an impressive sight, as they walked in, and just stood there, looking around.

There were altars to individual saints all along the sides, and banks of candles in front of them, and the main altar stood at the end of the central aisle, straight ahead. She made the sign of the cross, and side by side, they walked to the front of the church. It was almost as though she could feel Jack walking with them.

They slipped quietly into a pew, and sat there for a while, and she knelt and prayed, for Jack and her mother, and Charles, and her daughters finally, and then, still on her knees, she turned to smile at Brad. He had never seen her look more beautiful. It was almost as though there were an aura of peace around her, and a look of great tenderness in her eyes.

“I feel him here, with us,” she whispered. They both knew who she was talking about, and Brad nodded, with tears in his eyes, and then knelt next to her.

“Me too.” And then he bowed his head and closed his eyes.

It was just like the old days, skating together, and going to church. The only one missing was Jack, but it didn't really seem as though he was.

It was a while before they both looked up, and then walked past the main altar, to the smaller ones in honor of the saints. Faith genuflected down to one knee as they crossed the center of the church. And he followed her to the altar of Saint Jude. He had always been her favorite saint.

She slipped a five-dollar bill into the slot, lit a candle for Jack, and then held the burning stick toward Brad so he could light one himself. It had always seemed magical to him, as though something as powerful as that could only result in good things, and they stood side by side for a moment, thinking of her brother, in silent prayer. And then he took her hand, and they walked slowly away. They stopped just before they left the church, and Faith dipped her fingers in the holy water, made the sign of the cross, and smiled up at him.