Anywhere But Here (34 page)

Tears burned my eyes as my own body shook. I rattled the rail of my bed, trying to figure out how to lower the stupid thing so I could smack some sense into somebody.

But it wasn’t necessary as, once again, the door opened and Saundra stormed into the room, Roberta on her heels.

“I don’t know what is going on in here but it had better stop!” Sa
undra ordered.  She crossed her arms over her large bosom and glared at every member of my family.  “Rena does not need to be subjected to this nonsense.  Now, all of you out of here,” she said.

Everyone filed out of the room, including Fin, much to my dismay.  I fisted the sheets, anxiety mounting again.  I didn’t want Fin to leave – I still needed to talk to him.  I needed him to know everything and I needed to be the one to tell him.

“Rena?” Roberta said as she took the chair Fin had occupied earlier.  I looked at her, startled.  I hadn’t realized that she was still in the room. 

“Hey.”

“How are you feeling?” she asked, her eyes prodding.

I opened my mouth to tell her that I was just fine and that I wanted to go home, but I remembered my vow to be honest with Fin and figured it probably wouldn’t hurt to be honest with Roberta, too.

“Not too great,” I said.  “I know I screwed up and I know that I do need your help, but I was about to tell Fin everything when my family interrupted. I, um, don’t want anyone else filling him in, if you know what I mean.  I think I should tell him.”

She nodded, a tiny smile toying with the corners of her mouth.  “I agree, but Rena, you’re here because you
’ve suffered a major anxiety attack.  Are you going to be able to tell Fin without falling apart again?”

I hadn’t considered that.  I chewed on my bottom lip as I turned her words over in my head. A nervous shiver raced up my spine. Where had all my courage gone?  “Roberta, I want to tell him – I
need
to tell him.   I need to be the one.  Please."

"Are you sure?" she asked, indecision in her eyes.

"Absolutely," I said.  "I…I want to tell him.  It’s important that I do - not someone else.  It's important to me."

She nodded, a hint of approval in her eyes.  "Okay."

"But maybe you should be nearby," I said as a shiver of anxiety shook my spine.

“I’ll wait right outside the room,” she said as she patted my hand.  “And Rena?  I’m really proud of you right now.”

I smiled at her, a genuine smile.  She left to fetch Fin and my heart skipped a beat or two.  I concentrated on evening out my breathing as I waited, not wanting the stupid monitor to go nuts and get Saundra all in a tizzy.

I didn’t have to wait long.

“Hey,” Fin said with a squeamish smile.  I couldn’t quite blame him – my family made me nauseous at times, too.  “Are you all right?”

I was extremely tired of that question but by the apprehensive look on his face I could tell he was asking out of concern and not politeness.  I snorted. “I should be asking
you
that,” I chortled, attempting to lighten the mood – and postpone my talk, apparently.  “Anyway, I’m sorry you had to witness my family’s meltdown.  Gives a whole new meaning to ‘nuclear family’, doesn’t it?”

I managed to pull a grin out of him as he sat in the same chair he’d occupied earlier.  He held my hand, his eyes trained on mine.

“Roberta said you wanted to talk to me.”

“Yep,” I said, inserting a small amount of pep into my voice.  I wasn’t sure why I was trying to keep things upbeat, maybe to prevent another breakdown on my end.  “I forgot where I was.”

“You were talking about something that happened to your family,” he said gently, applying pressure to my hand.

I nodded, my lips pressed together.  “Camille.”

“Ah, Camille,” he said.  “I heard her mentioned a few times today.  Who is she?”

I choked on a sob.  “My sister.”

He dragged the chair closer and placed his free hand on top of our entwined ones.  His voice was husky when he replied.  “What happened to her?”

I shook my head this time, fighting the ever present tears and wishing that I would have succeeded in my endeavors at cheerfulness.  “No one knows,” I said with a sniff.  “Um, she, um, just vanished.”

“When?” he asked, stroking the top of my hand with the tips of his fingers.

“July,” I said.  “She was on her way home from her friend’s house.  She’d walked to and from there millions of times before but this time…”

“You’ve no idea what happened?” I shook my head.  “The police? FBI?”

“No one.  Not a clue.  No trace
, nothing.” I bent my head. A tear fell off my cheek and left a tiny dot on the crisp sheet covering my lap.  I wanted to explain to Fin how it felt, how my family had slowly unraveled like a stray thread on a sweater.  I wanted to make him feel the sharp, intense pain that ripped through my heart and the guilt that ate at my stomach. But there were no words to explain it and I wasn’t quite sure I was strong enough to try.

His voice had remained steady and somewhat soothing and that was perhaps what kept me from collapsing into a blubbering idiot at his feet.  I couldn’t talk anymore, though, not at that moment.  I’d answer his questions
the best that I could but I just couldn’t offer more information.  The day was catching up with me. The stress and ultimate humiliation of chasing down the girl who I had thought was my sister was taking its toll.  I was going to break again – I could feel it – but I didn’t want to do it in front of Fin.  At last – at long last – I grasped the fact that I did need Roberta.  I could not do this on my own any longer.

And Fin sensed it.  “Thank you for telling me this, Rena.  I appreciate that you feel you can trust me.”

“I just…” I started, my voice warbled and my body trembling.  “I just didn’t want pity.  I wanted to start fresh, you know?  My other friends…” I wrenched my hand out of his to cover my tear stained face.  The torrential storm I’d been expecting hit and I was so terrified that I wouldn’t be able to stop it.

The bed rail fell and Fin’s hands were on my shoulders, gently guiding me to his chest.  He held me for several minutes, not speaking, just rubbing my back.  My hysteria quelled under his touch and a wave of drowsiness washed over me.  An urge to curl up in a ball and sleep came on rapidly.  I would have happily given in but for the anxiety over my feuding family.  I needed to make sure things were okay on that front before I could sleep easily – or without the aid of narcotics.

Easing back, I tried to speak but a yawn overtook my mouth.  Fin’s lopsided grin nearly made me laugh in relief – I was so grateful that he had no pity in his eyes.

“I should let you rest,” he said as he moved off the bed. 

I snagged his hand.  “Can you please check to see if my family is duking it out in the hallway first?  I…oh geez, this is bad, huh?”

He kissed me tenderly and the monitor behind me increased in beeps.  I smiled on his mouth, almost eager to explain that one to Sa
undra.

“Between my mom, Roberta, and Franki, I think things are under control in the hall,” he said with a wink.  “But I’ll check for you if you’d like.”

My brow furrowed as confusion lurked in my sleepy brain.  “Your mom?  But, I didn’t think she liked me.”

Chuckling, he
touched my cheek.  “Of course she likes you.  She was a bit concerned when she first met you because she said your eyes seemed so sad.”

“What?” I asked, stunned.

His grin widened.  “She hounded me, asking me if there was something wrong or if I’d done something to hurt you.”  He actually had the decency to blush.  “I haven’t dated a whole lot, you know, with hockey and everything, and she was happy to see me show interest in a girl.  She always complains about how much time I spend on hockey.”

A small load lifted off my shoulders and I was able to relax into the bed.  My eyelids grew heavy and it took quite a bit of strength to keep them open.  Fin bent to kiss me again.

“I’ll go check on your family and I’ll be right back, okay?”

I nodded as I watched him leave through nearly closed eyes.  The heaviness of my chest had eased up after my confession and I avoided any other thoughts of Camille.  I’d taken a huge step this evening but I was still far from my destination.  But I’d get there, somehow.

A soft sigh escaped my lips as my eyes closed.  By the time Fin returned, I was sound asleep.

The relief that filled my heart after my confession to Fin washed away like the tide when I thought of the rubble that my family had become.  After an embarrassing overnight stay in the hospital, I was allowed to leave the next morning but was excused from school for the rest of the week.  I was, of course, required to resume my weekly sessions wi
th Roberta. I’d asked her if perhaps I could drag my family along with me.  I was surprised when she refused.

“Not yet,” she said with a gentle smile.  “Let’s work on you a little bit first, and then we’ll bring them in.”

I agreed because she was the expert and all.

I moped around the house Thursday, bored with the television and actually looking forward to my session with Roberta just for something to do when Damon, Shane, and Reg surprised me.  They’d left school a little early – how, I never did find out – and rushed over to visit.  I wasn’t sure what they were expecting but they all had various forms of astonishment on their faces when I answered the door dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.

“Hey, you, um, look good,” Damon said as though he hadn’t quite expected me to look so - normal.

“Thanks,” I said as I invited them into the living room. Aunt Franki peeked her head in from the kitchen doorway, offered snacks and when everyone refused, announced that she’d be working in the garage if we needed anything.  I supposed it was her way of giving me space but reminding all of us she was close by in case I suffered another meltdown.

But I wasn’t the one to break down – not this time.  After a couple of minutes of everyone awkwardly looking at each other, Reg shattered the silence by releasing a loud sob, falling at my feet.

“Reg?” I asked, hesitant to comfort her.  I finally patted her clumsily on the back while shooting the guys bewildered looks.

“I’m so sorry, Rena,” she said, resting on her knees and wiping her face with the sleeve of her shirt.  “This is all my fault.”

“Um, how is it your fault?” I asked.

“I put the syrup in your locker,” she said, hiccupping.  “I only did it because I could tell Shane had a little crush on you. I thought that if you thought Gina did it that you’d be motivated to go out with Fin just to piss her off.  I knew Fin liked you and I thought maybe you liked him, too, so I just did it to give you two a push.  And, I, um, wanted Shane to see that you didn’t like him that way so he’d pay attention to me again.”

“I…oh,” I said, shooting anxious glances at the boys, who’d obviously already heard this confession.  “Hey, don’t worry about it.  This whole…mess…had nothing to do with the syrup thing.”

Nodding, she scooted away from me to lean her back against the sofa.  “I’m still sorry.  But I swear I had nothing to do with the rumors.  I did try to set people straight.  I swear, Rena, I never said a bad word against you.”

I gave her what I hoped was a warm smile.  “I believe you.  And don’t worry about it, please.  When I think about it, I think it was probably the syrup mess that got me and Fin together so I should thank you for that.”

She smiled back, her eyes still shimmering with unshed tears, and it touched my heart.  I never thought I’d see the day when Reg would cry. 

“So, if you don’t mind if we ask, what brought this on?” Damon asked.

I raised my brows at him.  “You honestly don’t know?” I asked.  “I’d sort of thought that Sabrina would have told you by now.”

“Sabrina?  Sabrina knows what’s going on?” he said, his face clouding over.  “How does she know?”

I could see an angry storm brewing in his eyes and I needed to quell it quickly.  I didn’t want him arguing with her over me, especially after I'd begged her to keep my secret.

“Damon, I made her swear she wouldn’t say anything,” I said.  My feeble explanation only confused him further so I
scooted to the edge of the sofa, taking a deep breath.  “One of the girls at her party a few weeks ago recognized my name – my family name. They’d read about us in the Chicago area newspapers.  But you see, I came here to get away from that.  I came here to start over and I didn’t want anyone to know.  I begged Sabrina not to tell anyone.”

“What happened?” Shane asked.

I took a breath and explained, quickly and succinctly about Camille, keeping the emotion out of my voice.  A spark of irritation hit me when I spotted that dreaded pity shoot over each of their faces.  I bit back all the snide remarks in hopes of retaining their friendships.  I didn’t want to lose them as I had my former friends.

“I don’t want you guys to feel all weird around me or feel sorry for me or anything,” I added hastily.  “That’s why I didn’t want anyone to know.  You see, my friends from back home quit talking to me because they just didn’t know what to say.”

“I’m sorry, Rena,” Damon said.  “I’m really sorry this happened to your family and nothing will change that.  But I’m not going anywhere.”