Read Arsenic and Old Puzzles Online
Authors: Parnell Hall
“If she’s been gone this long, something probably did happen to her.”
“Come on, Cora. I need your help.”
Cora heaved a sigh. “Fine. Go out there and hold her off.”
“Aren’t you coming?”
“Mind if I get dressed first?”
Cora watched Harper go down the walk. She took her time collecting the poodle to make sure the chief actually left, then hurried back to the bedroom.
Barney was gone.
“Barney?”
The toy poodle was sniffing under the bed.
Barney poked his head out. “Is he gone?”
“What the hell are you doing?”
“You said get under the bed.”
“I was joking.”
“Oh.”
Barney crawled out from under the bed.
Cora threw off her robe, began pulling on clothes.
“What are you doing?” Barney said.
“I gotta go out to the Guilford house. Stay there. I’ll be right back.”
“But—”
“Don’t worry. Buddy will keep you company. Right, Buddy?”
Cora pulled on a sweater and slacks, hopped in her car, and tore out to the Guilford house. The front door was open. Cora went in, found Chief Harper in the kitchen trying to comfort Edith. His face lit up like a man who’s been thrown a lifeline.
“See,” Harper said. “Cora’s come to help. It’s going to be all right. I’m sure nothing’s happened to your sister.”
“Nonsense,” Cora said. “If she’s been gone that long, something probably
has
happened to her.”
Edith stopped wailing, looked at Cora in astonishment.
“So, let’s find her. Did you look in the window seat?”
Edith gasped.
“She’s
not
in the window seat,” Harper said icily.
“Well, let’s rule it out. That’s the first place I’d look. The second would be the grave in the cellar. The third would be the attic. You do have an attic, don’t you?”
Edith blinked. Nodded.
“Well, first things first.” Cora headed for the living room with Edith and the chief trailing along behind.
Cora marched up to the window seat, flung it open, took a look, and scowled.
The body of Charlotte Guilford lay in the window seat.
There was a crossword puzzle on her chest.
Across
1 Credits listing
5 Dubious sighting
8 Jai alai basket
13 First name in scat
14 “Stat!”
15 Summertime allergen
16 Start of a message
18 Buckeye Stater
19 Metallic marble
20 Time to revel
21 __-med
22 Pin count
23 Predicate part
25 Left over
29 More of the message
34 Chair fixer
35 Hobby farm dweller
36 Plantation gear
37 Same-old-same-olds
38 Not well thought-out
40 Swarm member
41 Nobelist Wiesel
42 Prado display
43 Move like a 51-Down
44 Still more of the message
47 Patches up
48 Many August births
49 “__ nuts?”
51 IRS hiree
54 Circus Maximus greeting
55 Ill-bred
60 Do poetry, say
62 End of the message
63 Letter signoff
64 Mrs. McKinley
65 Heidi’s milieu
66 Portended
67 “Roll __ bones!”
68 Hall fare
Down
1 Disney collectibles
2 Oceans
3 Purplish fruit
4 Heist haul
5 Set free, in a way
6 Stir up, as a revolt
7 Be in the hole
8 Hold together
9 Samuel’s mentor
10 Zero-star fare
11 Hotfoot it
12 First name among diarists
15 Destitution
17 Take in, say
20 Long jump, e.g.
24 VIP
25 Cheat out of money
26 Abdul with six #1 hits
27 Thumbs-down group
28 Freezer bag verb
30 Can’t avoid
31 Yorba __
32 Taken as a whole
33 Running mate of Adlai
38 Home to Dartmouth College
39 Cropped up
43 Capital-letter producer
45 Had room for
46 Hero’s welcome
50 Bawdyhouse figure
51 Critter with eyestalks
52 Cozumel cash
53 Didn’t merely pass
56 Brewski topper
57 Twiddling one’s thumbs
58 Takes a sample of
59 Infamous Spandau inmate
61 “__ been had!”
62 Kept under wraps
“How many letters?”
Sherry said. “Oh, there’s a good baby girl.”
“What?” Cora said.
“I’m talking to Jennifer.”
“Could you concentrate? I’m in rather deep doo-doo.”
“Sorry to hear it. We just had a diaper change, and we feel fine. Don’t we, Jennifer?”
“I’m thrilled. It’s five letters. Third letter n.”
“What was the clue again?”
“Are you paying any attention? It’s ‘Chair fixer.’”
Finding Charlotte Guilford’s body had shredded Chief Harper’s last vestige of civility. He had bagged the puzzle, and ordered Cora to solve it on the spot. In desperation, she had holed herself up in the Guilford study, and she and Sherry were attempting to solve it on the phone. Which might have been easier had Jennifer been napping.
“It’s caner,” Sherry said.
Cora copied the answer onto the rough sketch of the puzzle grid she had drawn on a piece of paper. Since the puzzle was in a plastic evidence bag, she couldn’t write on it. She had offered to run out and Xerox the puzzle, which would have given her a chance to rush home and let Sherry solve it, but Chief Harper was having none of it.
“Okay, then. 15 across. ‘Summertime allergen.’”
“How many letters?”
“Six.”
Chief Harper burst into the room, saw Cora on the phone. “What the hell are you doing? I told you to solve the puzzle.”
“Sorry, Chief,” Cora said, tap-dancing nimbly. “I had to call Sherry to tip off Aaron there’d been a murder. I gotta live in your town, but I gotta live in their house.”
“Hang up, I got problems.”
“Call you back,” Cora said, and slammed down the phone. “What’s the matter now?”
“I can’t find Barney. His wife says he’s not home, and he’s not answering his pager.”
That was not surprising. Barney had turned the ring off on his cell phone when they got into bed.
Cora exhaled in exasperation. Everything was coming down on her head. “What’s that got to do with me?”
“I’m desperate. I need your advice.” Harper lowered his voice. “Should I look for him at Becky’s?”
“Not unless you want your head taken off. And like being sued for slander.”
“How is that slander? Just asking if someone’s there?”
“You’re splitting hairs with a lawyer? Don’t do it, Chief.” Cora heaved herself out of the chair. “I’ve got this.”
“What?”
“Becky’s my friend. Let me handle it. Then you’re not the bad guy.”
Harper exhaled in relief. “Thanks, Cora.” He ducked back out.
Cora grabbed the puzzle, shoved it into her purse. She hurried out, hopped in her car, sped back to her house. On the way a car that looked very much like Aaron’s flew by in the other direction. Cora kept going, rocketed up the driveway, ran inside, flung open the bedroom door.
Barney Nathan was lying in bed with the dog on his lap. Both jumped up. Buddy fell to the floor, yelped indignantly.
“My God, you scared me to death!” Barney said.
“Get used to it,” Cora snapped. “Get up, get dressed, sneak out to my car, get in the backseat, and keep your head down.”
“What?”
“Charlotte Guilford’s dead, Harper’s trying to find you. I gotta get you to the Country Kitchen to pick up your car. Hop to it. I’ll keep Sherry busy.”
“Oh, my God!”
“And don’t let the dog out!”
Cora raced through the breezeway that connected the old house to the new extension, raced through the living room, pounded up the stairs. Why did they put them at the end of the house? It would have been more convenient if they had been near the middle. But then they would have been closer to her. Better where they were.
Cora clattered down the hall into the bedroom.
Sherry was sitting up in bed. She put her finger to her lips. “Shhh!”
“Can’t you put her down?” Cora said.
“What the hell is going on?”
“Chief Harper caught us playing phone tag. I tap-danced my way out of it, told him I was calling you to tip off Aaron.”
“I did. He just left.”
“I think I passed him on the road. I was going too fast to tell.”
“How did you get away?”
“I snuck out. That was easy. I gotta get back before he misses me. Can you do the damn puzzle?”
“It’s not easy one-handed.”
“Sherry.”
“Give me a magazine.”
There was a copy of
People
on the bedside table. Cora handed it over.
“People. People who read
People,
” Cora began.
“Don’t sing,” Sherry said. She balanced the magazine on her thigh.
Cora slapped the grid she’d drawn down on it, and handed her the puzzle and a pencil.
“This is a drag,” Sherry said. “Can’t we just run off a copy?”
“Then Harper would know I left. Here, I’ll hold the puzzle for you.”
Sherry looked at the crossword. “Oh, that’s what you were trying to tell me.” She held the grid to the magazine with her wrist, scribbled in the answers.
“Can I help?” Cora said.
“Yeah. Hold the grid on the magazine.”
“Can I do anything else?”
“Yeah. Shut up.”
“Jennifer, I hope you didn’t hear your mother say that.”
Sherry whizzed through the puzzle.
Cora grabbed it, headed for the door.
“Aren’t you going to look at it?”
“Yeah, I guess I should.”
She held it up, read, “Look at me. There I lie. Was a snoop. Had to die.”
“What does that mean?” Sherry said.
“I haven’t the faintest idea.”
Cora plunged the puzzle into her drawstring purse, ran out the door. She thundered down the stairs, went out the door at the far end of the house, and raced across the lawn and hopped into the car.
“Barney. Are you there?”
From the floor of the backseat, a small voice said, “Yes.”
“Keep your head down until we’re out of the driveway.”
Cora started the car, tore down the driveway.
As she turned on the road Barney said, “Can I get up now?”
“Yeah. Just duck down if you see headlights.”
Barney got up, sat on the backseat. “What the hell is going on?”
“I’m taking you to the Country Kitchen. Go in, have a drink, turn on your cell phone. You’ll have a missed call from Chief Harper, telling you to get out to the Guilford house. Or just telling you to call him. Whatever he says, do it.”
“Why do I order a drink?”
“Because that’s where you were, drinking at the Country Kitchen.”
“Do I have to say that?”
“You don’t
have
to say that, just in case someone asks. Come on, Barney, use your head. If he
happens
to ask, you were at the Country Kitchen, you turned on your phone, you got the message.”
Cora screeched into the Country Kitchen parking lot, skidded to a stop in the shadows at the far end away from the restaurant.
“What if there’s no message?”
“It’s an emergency, meathead! You’re a nice man, now get out of my car.”
Barney went out the back door.
Cora gunned the motor and peeled out. She left enough rubber to make a spare tire, and took off down the road.
Dan Finley was
snapping pictures of the crime scene. Chief Harper tore himself away and met Cora at the door.
“Well? Was he there?”
“Was who where, Chief?”
Harper kept his voice down, difficult considering his mounting anger. “Barney Nathan. Was he at Becky’s?”
“That’s the wrong question to ask, Chief. I’m not going to answer that question. All you really want to know is, was I able to contact the doctor?”