As Tears Go By (14 page)

She
thought for a minute. “I love Christmas. I love carols and seeing the stores
decorated. We don’t do a lot for Christmas anymore. I miss it.”

“How
come?”

“It’s
time consuming. I put up a little tree every year and usually do holiday crafts
with Hunter, but it’s nothing like I used to do.”

“Then
that’s not really a happy thing.”

“It’s a
happy memory.”

“Give
me another one. What’s your happiest memory?”

“Boy, I
don’t know. What’s yours?”

He
thought for a moment. “Last year my brother Luke was in a coma. Seeing him wake
up was pretty incredible. I don’t think anything ever made me as happy as
seeing his eyes finally open.”

Her
heart dropped into her toes. It would be horrifying to see someone she loved in
such an unpredictable state. “What happened to him?”

He
shook his head. “Another time. I don’t like talking about it. I only think
about the recovery and the moment we knew he was coming back to us. Tell me one
of your happiest memories.”

It took
longer than it probably should’ve to come up with something. When a memory
occurred to her she smiled, knowing it was definitely one of the greatest days
of her life. “I got one. I’ll never forget the first time Hunter called me Mom.
He was six. I was sitting on the floor, doing a puzzle with him and he smacked
my hand and said,
‘Go, Mom.’
I started to cry. I waited so long to hear
him talk. I never thought words like that would ever come. I’ll never forget
that day.”

“That’s
a beautiful story.”

“There
are lots of them. The first time he sat through a meal instead of running
around the table, the day we finally gave up diapers. I guess every parent goes
through milestones like this, but when you’re unsure if you’ll ever reach them,
crossing the finish seems a bit more meaningful.”

“Tell
me a happy moment from before you were married.”

“That’s
a little harder.”

“Why?”

“I
forget who I was. The way I used to think, it’s a foreign concept to me now. I
was an ordinary kid, I guess. I got excited over ordinary things. But now, the
things that excite me most are the little things, because, in a quiet sort of
way, my life’s pretty extraordinary.”

“Will
you ever have more kids?”

Her
mind shut down.
Too many memories of fights and ragged tears.

“Sorry.
Too personal?”

Lowering
her gaze she shook her head. “I don’t know the answer. Hunter’s incredible,
even if he challenges me. I’d do it all over again, because he’s my son and I
can’t live without him. But I don’t know if I have the strength for another
child. Even a neurotypical child needs a ton of attention. I’m lucky if I have
time to brush my hair on an average day. It isn’t fair to take on more than I
can handle. Not to me, not to Hunter, and not to any child.”

He
kissed her nose, but made no comment. She was too afraid to ask if he wanted
children. The idea that they might want different things in the long run was
very unwelcome and she shouldn’t be thinking in terms of longevity with
Braydon.

“Tell
me what you fear?”

Simple
questions sometimes carried the hardest answers. “Death,” she whispered. “I
have to live forever. Who will take care of him when I’m gone? Even his father
can’t do what I do. Dying, and leaving my son alone in a world that isn’t ready
for him is the greatest fear I’ve ever known.”

He
nudged her chin, tipping her face back in his direction. Those deep blue eyes
studied her. “Can I meet him?”

Breath
stilled in her lungs. “Do you want to?”

“I’d
love too.”

Her
heart swelled, but she still harbored reservations. “Maybe someday soon.” It
was too great of a promise to make a definite commitment, but part of her
really wanted him to meet her son, to see how incredible he was.

They
lazed in bed until late afternoon. Braydon was a big fan of napping and that
suited her just fine. They ordered takeout and when Braydon returned with the
food he also picked up a box of fudge for her. She was coming to realize that
Braydon enjoyed doting on women. Such behavior couldn’t be specific to her. It
had to be a part of his nature.

After
dinner they made love on the floor of the dining room. It had started out as
innocent fudge eating, but things quickly turned dirty. The next thing she
knew, Braydon was on top of her, feeding her chocolate, and her breasts were
smeared with sugary kisses.

Afterward
they shared a shower, which was another escapade in the sex department that was
new to her. She couldn’t recall ever laughing so much. Braydon made her happy
and, in a way, that worried her.

While
he said all the right words, it was easy to pretend compassion and acceptance.
Living up to such claims would be more challenging, especially when those
virtues would be an ongoing requirement. Fear that he wouldn’t be able to
manage her reality had her shying away from the idea of submerging him in her
everyday world. If Braydon couldn’t tolerate the actuality of her day-to-day
life, she’d have to let him go. She was her son’s future and they were a
package deal.

As she
gathered the last of her things, Braydon waited by the door with her coat. “I
don’t want you to go,” he said, helping her on with her jacket and pulling her
hair from the collar. His lips pressed a kiss to her neck, sending chills
skating over her skin.

“I
don’t want to go either, but I need to get ready for work and I still need to
grab a few things from the store for the week.”

“Can we
do lunch tomorrow?”

Were
they moving too fast? “Let me see how my morning goes. Email me and I’ll let
you know.”

He
kissed her goodbye and walked her to a cab. “I could drive you home.”

She
wished he’d mentioned that earlier, but now the idea of going through another
goodbye was too painful. He’d given her the perfect weekend. It was sad to see
it end, but she’d cherish the memory of it always.

“That’s
okay. This is easier.”

He
pressed his lips to hers and he whispered, “I’ll miss you.”

Her
heart fluttered unbelievably fast. They were crossing into dangerous territory.
She pulled away, afraid she might blurt something completely emotional and inappropriate.
“I’ll talk to you soon.”

Nodding,
he took a step back and she slid inside the taxi. Turning back to him, she
called, “Braydon?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank
you. You gave me another happy memory to hold on to.”

He
smiled. “There’ll be more. I’m not done with you yet, angel.”

Yet.
Her smile
trembled. “Bye.”

Chapter Seven

It was
utterly ridiculous how much Braydon looked forward to seeing Becca the
following day. When noon approached and she still hadn’t emailed, he began to
worry. At twelve-fifteen he sent her a brief
“Everything okay?”
email.

By one
he’d ventured out to find his own lunch, debating popping in on her with
something chocolaty, but refraining. What if she had a change of heart?

When he
returned to his office the stirrings of a headache started. Frustrated at his
empty inbox, he checked his phone. It buzzed the second he fished it out of his
pocket, but his relief was short-lived. The screen read
Devil
.

“What’s
up, Shei-Devil?”

His
little sister chuckled. “That’s Shei-Devereux to all of you, now. What’s
happening in The Burgh?”

Bray
sat back in his chair and sighed. “Nothing much. I was just waiting for a call
and thought you were it. What’s new with you?”

“I’m painting and I got bored.”

“Painting what?”

“Our living room. Alec has some obsession with a funeral
home’s color palette and I can’t take it anymore.”

“Oh, boy. What color are you painting that poor man’s
house?”

“Our
house.
And it’s chartreuse.”

Braydon laughed quietly. Chartreuse was a trendy green with
some of his clients. It sometimes worked well with dark, cherry finishes, but
it would definitely be an adjustment for Alec. “Does he know that’s the color
you picked?”

She scoffed. “He doesn’t care as long as I’m happy. Besides,
it’s keeping me out of his hair. He’s been so damn busy now that he’s head of
the philosophy department.”

“Shouldn’t you be busy with your own classes?”

“You’d think, but I finished my syllabuses last week. I’m
going out of my freaking mind.”

“They really should give you more classes.”

“I know.” She sighed. “I’ll be graduating in less than a
year and going for my Masters. Let’s hope that’s a bit more time consuming.”

“What if you’re pregnant by then?” She got quiet.
“Sheilagh?”

“Yeah?”

Worry tightened his brow. “You okay?”

There was a slight sniffle she covered with a cough. “It
didn’t take.”

Shit. Alec was older than his sister and he’d already had a
vasectomy when they’d met. The reversal, from what he understood, was no easy
procedure, but Alec wanted to give her babies. “I thought the odds were
something like ninety percent.”

“That’s if it’s reversed within the first few years. Once
ten years pass, it drops to thirty percent. Alec had his boys tied off almost
twenty years ago.”

“I’m sorry, Sheilagh. Are you sure it’s totally out of the
question?”

She made a noncommittal sound. “I’m not God, but I need to
accept that it probably isn’t happening if it hasn’t happened by now, or else
I’ll drive myself crazy and drive my husband away.”

“That’s
not true. Alec adores all of your personalities. But seriously, are you okay?”
She’d been through a lot of ups and downs with clinical depression. It wasn’t
always easy to tell what his sister had going on in that big brain of hers.

“I’m
gonna have to be. I mean, I’m happy. I don’t need a baby. Lord knows what kind
of mother I’d be with this gene pool.”

“You’d
be a great mother, Shei.”

She was
quiet for a moment. “Thanks, Bray. That means a lot.” She sighed then groaned.
“Maybe I’ll be weird cat lady, married to the professor, anti-social by choice,
and profoundly intelligent in a mysterious way.”

“So
you’re buying a cat? You have all that other junk going for you already.”

“Shut
up.” She grumbled and it sounded like she was plopping into a chair. “I want to
go home, but I’m afraid all the babies will make me nuts. Did you hear Luke and
Tristan are trying to adopt?”

“Yeah.
That’s an option for you guys too.”

“No.”

“Why
no
?”

“I
don’t know how to explain it. I’m a McCullough woman. I’m made to breed. I’m
okay with not having a child if it wasn’t meant to be—sort of—but what kills me
is that I’ll never know what it feels like to create life. Do you have any idea
how cool it would be to have the ability to grow a human and I can’t because…”
She growled. “Never mind. I sound like an asshole.”

“No,
you don’t. You sound like a woman who’s being denied something God gave you and
you’re upset. It’s understandable, Shei.”

“Blah.
I’m done whining. What’s going on with you?”

He
grinned. “I met someone.”

“Yeah?
Who? When? Give me all the dirty details.”

“Well,
we met about a month ago, but it took me a while to pin her down. I think I
finally got through to her though.”

“What’s
her name?”

“Becca.”

“Becca.
Becca McCullough. That has a nice ring to it.”

“Whoa…slow
down. No one’s getting married.”

She
snorted. “Who are you kidding? You’ve been looking for the perfect bride since
you hit puberty.”

“It’s
complicated.”

“Why?”

“She
just got divorced.”

“Ahhhh.
Any kids? Ooh! When do we get to meet her? You should bring her home and Alec
and I can come that same weekend.”

“Sheilagh,
calm yourself. You’re making me dizzy. We’re just starting out. Besides, it
isn’t that easy for her to get away. She has a son.”

“Aww,
we’d both have stepsons!”

“Jesus!
Will you chill? No one’s getting married! And it isn’t like Wes really counts
as your step-child.”

“Does
too. I remind him every day to call me Mom.”

He
chuckled. Wes was only a year younger than Sheilagh. “He must love that.”

“The
question is, do you love her?”

“I—”
The intercom buzzed. “Hold on, Shei.” He clicked the phone on his desk. “Yes,
Natalie?”

“Mr.
McCullough, there’s a package here for you. It was messaged over from the firm
handling the Apricot account.”

He
grinned. “Who’s the sender?”

“A Ms.
Becca Stevens.”

“I’ll
be right out. Shei, I gotta run.”

“She
sent you a package? Dirty. I wonder what it is?”

He
rolled his eyes. It was probably the finalized contracts. “Goodbye, Devil.”

“It’s
Devereux
!”

“Love
you.” He ended the call. Taking a deep breath, he disguised his grin and
entered the reception area.

All the
secretaries were chattering and quieted the moment he appeared. He cleared his
throat and Natalie handed him a small box wrapped with a pale blue bow. His
cheeks flushed as he took it. “Is there anything else?”

His
secretary smirked as though trying not to laugh. “No, sir.”

Returning
to his office, he shut the door and heard the group of receptionists burst into
a fit of giggles.
Nothing like being discreet.
Ripping
open the package he unwrapped the tissue and stilled. It was one of those PECS
things Becca had all over her house. On it was a smiling face with one word
written underneath.

Happy.

His
heart sped up as he tried to grasp what she was telling him. She was happy.
That gave him a sense of accomplishment he couldn’t fathom. Unearthing the
tissue, he checked for anything else in the box. On the bottom was a note.

Sorry I couldn’t do lunch. Swamped. I had a lovely weekend
and wanted to say thank you again. Xo Becca

He
hadn’t realized how much he’d doubted himself until her package came,
delivering sweet relief and confidence. He picked up his phone and buzzed
Natalie.

“Yes,
Mr. McCullough?”

“Natalie,
call down to Fritz’s and order a fresh tray of double fudge brownies. Have them
sent to Ms. Stevens’s office with a note that reads…” What could he say?
“Ditto.”

“Yes,
Mr. McCullough.”

Five
seconds after hanging up he heard the receptionists let out a communal “Aww.”

He
picked the phone back up and buzzed his secretary again. “Yes, Mr. McCullough?”

“And
get back to work.”

The
following hour passed with the distracting images of Becca moaning over fresh
brownies. He’d barely accomplished anything productive aside from fantasizing.

Around
closing, Miranda strolled into his office and quietly shut the door. “Want to
have dinner tonight?”

As he
met her gaze he recognized the suggestive set to her eyes and realized she was
offering more than a meal. “No thanks. I have some stuff I need to get done.”

She
sauntered to one of the chairs across from his desk and sat down, crossing one
long leg delicately over the other. “I’d like to see you. What night do you
have free?”

This
was unexpected. He and Miranda had called it quits a couple months ago. There
had been one night they’d spent together after the official break up, but he’d
assumed that would be it. Things were different now. He was with Becca.

“You
should know I’ve sort of started seeing someone, Miranda.”

Her
narrow brow lifted. “Have you? Who is she?”

With he
and Miranda’s intimate past he could probably trust her not to overreact if she
discovered the woman he was dating was also a client. Yet, she was still his
boss and something told him to protect Becca’s privacy. Miranda might not use
the same ethical scale for others as she did for herself.

“No one
you know.”

“Doesn’t
sound too serious. How about Wednesday night? I’ll wear that black slip you
like.”

“Sorry,
Miranda. I can’t.”

She
pretended to be unaffected, but Bray knew she didn’t like being told no,
especially from a man she saw as her subordinate.

Leaning
forward, she reached into the tiny box Becca had sent and pulled out the picture.
Frowning, her eyes drifted to him questioningly. He remained silent and she
tipped the box, skimming the note. “Becca? That wouldn’t happen to be the same
Rebecca handling the Apricot account, would it?”

Easing
back in his chair, he steepled his fingers, refusing to buckle under her
scrutiny or show any signs of intimidation. As far as ethics went, Miranda had
been the one to initiate their affair and she shouldn’t throw stones at glass
houses. “Why are you so curious, Miranda? We ended our relationship months
ago.”

Her
full lips pulled into a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “That must be
quite different from what you’re used to, Bray. She’s quiet as a church mouse.
I can’t imagine she gives you what you need.”

He
refused to let her put Becca in a negative light. “She gives me something I
never had. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try
me.”

“Let’s
just say it’s different with her.”

She
laughed. “You like this woman.”

“Yes.”

“Hmm.”
She stood. “Well, you have my number. Call me when you realize you want a real
woman in your bed again.”

His
eyes narrowed as she sauntered out of his office. Miranda may have confidence
in spades compared to his angel, but suddenly that wasn’t so appealing. Not
that he thought of Becca as insecure. On the contrary, she was incredibly
capable. The appeal was in the quiet, graceful way she applied herself to
everything she did.

Becca
was gentle and feminine with soft doe eyes and delicate features. Miranda was a
python, a vixen, but not someone you toyed with unless prepared to handle her
bite. Hopefully she just had an itch and some other guy would come along to
scratch it, because he really didn’t want to deal with her tampering in his new
relationship.

* * * *

“Sylvia!”
Nikki waltzed
into Becca’s office, her voice pitched in true sing-song, the style of Sylvia
and Mickey’s
Love is Strange
, circa 1956
.

Becca
looked up from her monitor and rolled her eyes. “Yes, Nikki?”

“How
do you call your lover boy?”
her crazy boss sang.

Becca
snorted. “I don’t have a lover boy.”

She
sashayed into the office, bumping the door closed with her hip. “These brownies
beg to differ.”

That
got Becca’s full attention. “Brownies?”

Nikki
nodded.

Grinning,
Becca dropped her voice deep and said,
“Come’ere, lover boy!”

Nikki
skipped over and dropped the box on her desk. Becca could smell the chocolate
fumes through the package, which had been tampered with. She eyed the label
emblazoned on the lid. “Fritz’s?” Impressive.