As Tears Go By (32 page)

“Of
course. I want you, but I want Hunter too. I want the whole package.”

He
painted quite the perfect picture. If only life were that easy. Shutting her
eyes, she lowered the papers. “But my job…”

“You
work to support you and Hunter, but if you didn’t work you wouldn’t have to pay
after care. We’d have my income too.”

“Braydon,
I work because I need to. My mind needs those hours to focus on something
that’s solely mine.”

He
grinned. “I thought about that too. What if I told you that this spring there’s
a position opening up at the lumberyard? It’s an office job, my dad’s
assistant’s retiring and he needs someone smart and dedicated. You’d be right
around the corner from the school and you’d only have to work until four each
day.”

“I
don’t know anything about that field.”

“You
know how to read schematics. You know how to answer phones. You’d handle
payroll and all the other stuff the crew doesn’t get involved in, like
supplying equipment and ordering new materials. You’d also schedule shipments
for the drivers. I know it’s not the most glamorous job, but the pay’s decent
and you wouldn’t have to stay as late as you do at the office now. If you’re
looking for something more intellectually challenging, there are other places
to work, but at least you know you’d have options to start.”

She
laughed and sat back, flattered by his consideration yet somehow offended at
the same time. “You’ve thought of everything.”

“Not
quite,” he admitted. “There’s the issue of Kevin.”

This
time when she laughed it was without humor. Kevin had been better since
Thanksgiving. He seemed to be stepping up where Hunter was involved and
actually honoring the custody schedule. Maybe he was finally coming to terms
with their new family dynamic. However, changing their arrangement could
destroy the slight progress she’d noticed.

Was she
really ready to make a decision like this? Moving away from Kevin was
monumental. Yes, her marriage was over, but moving out of the city and in with
Braydon seemed like an extreme and blunt ending to her previous life. Every day
she moved toward closure, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready for that
yet
. Moving forward was supposed to be a
process, and she was still processing.

Her
lashes lowered and she sighed. “I can’t make a decision like this in one
night.”

“I
know. We have time. The house still needs some work.”

She
chuckled, attempting to hide some of her worry. “Who builds a house?”

“Me.”

“That’s
a lot of pressure.”

“That’s
why I held off telling you. Take the house out of the equation, Becca. I want
this. I want us to live together, but I don’t want it if it comes with
regrets.”

That’s
what she was afraid of too. Regret was a horrible thing to live with. She’d
only be able to do this if her mind was one hundred percent made up. She didn’t
know how to rush certainty like that, especially when no situation came with
guarantees. “You’d really leave your job?”

“Leaving
the area doesn’t necessarily mean leaving the company. Our firm does a lot of
satellite work. Documents are emailed instead of shipped. I would only have to
take a trip to the city once or twice a week and whenever we were trying to
land a new client. A great deal of what I do can be done from home. Eventually,
yes, I’d like to branch off on my own, but that doesn’t have to be right away.”

She
sighed, her head was spinning. This was a lot. “I’ll think about it.”

“Okay.”
He leaned close and kissed her. “I love you, Becca. Take your time to consider
everything I said. I know it’s scary, but that doesn’t make it impossible. It
makes it exciting.”

He
seemed so enthusiastic, so certain. She didn’t possess that sort of confidence
toward life anymore. Her life was routine. Wake up, address the day, fight the
battles as they presented, and pray for sleep so she could do it all over
again. What he was asking of her was so far beyond her scope of imagination.

When
Braydon fell asleep, she crept out of bed and wandered through the shadows of
the house. Kevin still had crap cluttered in the corners, and boxes he refused
to move. She stared through the window at her dark, empty yard, lacking a tree.
It seemed the day that tree came down, so many illusions she’d been hiding
behind fell. Maybe that was a good thing.

Stepping
into the kitchen, she made a slow rotation, taking inventory of her home. Her
kitchen table only had three of four matching chairs since the one broke
several years ago. Her cabinets were dinged and scuffed. The tile behind the
sink was cracked and her linoleum was peeling up by the stove.

As she
moved through the house she noted every adjustment that was incorporated for
Hunter. She no longer kept pictures around, because when the frames were
knocked over, the glass was a dangerous mess she didn’t always have the
immediate time to clean up.

As she
walked through the hall she tried to read Hunter’s equations. It was a language
she couldn’t decipher, but one he’d started to use more than any other—another
sign of change.

She
found herself sitting at the piano bench, tapping a random key in the quiet house.
Slowly, she dropped her head to the keys and started to cry.

Every
room held a memory of her and Kevin screaming at each other. She’d polished
every inch of floor with her own tears over the years. But if she allowed her
mind to go back a bit farther, there were happy times shared in that home
between her and her ex.

They’d
painted the nursery together and planted rose bushes in the back. Those bushes
were gone now, but at one time he had been devoted to the same dreams she once
entertained. Giving up her home was the final farewell to all the hopes she’d
failed to see through. It hurt, accepting that there would be no turning back,
no second chances, and no do-overs.

But
beneath all the pain came a soft comfort that was warm and thrilling. Braydon.
Braydon was risky, but exhilarating. He made her dare to dream again. The only
thing stopping her was her aversion to the possibility of more broken dreams.

Life
would never change if she stayed where she was, but change came with risk.
Staying was safe and the closest thing to a guarantee she’d ever get in this
unpredictable world.

As she
wept, she contemplated her fears. If she were to get sick, who would care for
her son? No matter how much exposure Braydon had to autism, she still wasn’t
sure if he understood that autism was a lifelong journey. Deep down, she
feared, like Kevin, Braydon might eventually reach his limit.

Autism
defined the type of parent she was required to be. It taught her flexibility
and sacrifice. It taught her that every day presented new beginnings and simple
gifts that should be valued beyond all else.

She’d
shown Hunter respect and kindness, and in turn, her son showed her a world
she’d never expected, but this life had become all she now knew. He changed her
more than any other human being or experience ever could. Did Braydon really
understand that those changes would be expected of him as well if they all
lived together? Could he commit to that?

Assuming
Braydon knew what he was asking, the next question was, where would Hunter
develop most? What was better for her son?

The
city was fast-paced. When she thought of Center County, she thought of open
spaces, room to run without the fear of traffic. She smiled as she recalled the
echoes of the children’s voices bouncing off the trees and the unbounded
hospitality.

McCullough
Mountain was a magical place with room to play. It was safe and thrumming with
love, the love of one of the most incredible families she’d ever met. Deep
down, she knew Hunter would love it there.

The
transition would be a challenge, of course, but once he adjusted there would be
no limit to how he could flourish in an environment overflowing with love and
family. Hunter may not be able to tolerate touching or closeness, but her son
knew how to love. He simply communicated affection in his own unique way.

But all
of that came at a cost. Kevin’s parenting might be in an upswing at the moment,
but how long would that last if they moved away? Hunter deserved his father’s
presence in his life no matter how minimal Kevin’s nurturing tended to be. She
feared putting more distance between Kevin and Hunter would demolish the
remaining connection their family shared.

She
wanted to provide a life for Hunter that allowed him to reach his ultimate
potential. Kevin should want to be a part of his son’s life no matter what the
circumstances—
should
being the troubling word.

Chapter
Thirteen

Friday
morning Becca contacted the school to inform them that Hunter would not be in.
She also informed Nikki she was taking a personal day with her son. They’d been
on the road for over two hours and Hunter was listening to his iPod in the back
while spinning with the wheels of a toy car. On most days Hunter was a good
traveler, which boded well if she decided to do this. There could be a lot of
commuting in his future.

As she
took the exit she kept her eyes peeled for familiar landmarks. The town looked
different now that they were in the midst of December. All the colorful leaves
had fallen and there was snow on the ground, which she hadn’t anticipated.

Braydon
was working at the office and unaware that she’d decided to make the trip.
Realizing she’d passed the turn off for the mountain, she spun around and took
the road a bit slower.

When
she pulled onto the private drive, her van labored to make it up the incline.
The evergreens wore a dusting of white, and patches of brown grass showed
through the snow covered ground. There were sled markings on the hill to her
left. Hunter hadn’t gone sledding in some time, likely since he was five. He’d
probably enjoy that.

When
she spotted the big house anxiety attacked her stomach. She should have called
first. She merely wanted to walk around with her son, but now that she was here
the idea of stopping by unannounced seemed a bit rude.

“We’re
here,” she said, parking the car a distance from the house.

Everyone
appeared to be gone for the day, but smoke rose from both chimneys and she
wondered if Maureen was home. Climbing out, she helped Hunter from the van and
tucked his iPod away. The moment his sneakers touched the ground he registered
the snow. Sliding the door shut, she smiled as he marched around, admiring his
footprints.

“That’s
snow. Remember snow?”

His
head tilted as he paced to a slushy spot and jumped. She followed him as he
explored. When he approached the edge of the forest a winged bird took flight
and he laughed.

“I saw
that,” she said, smiling at his pleasure.

They
approached the house and Hunter drifted over to the Jeep parked by the porch.
His fingers ran through the dusting of snow collected on the glass and he shook
it off.

“Cold?”

“Cold,”
he confirmed. “Wet.”

A door
opened and she rotated, keeping Hunter in her sight as he played with the snow.

“Becca,
love, is that you?”

She
smiled as Maureen stepped off the porch in a pair of goulashes and a bright
orange hunting jacket. “Hi, Maureen.”

“I
wasn’t expecting you.”

“I’m
sorry I didn’t call. I wanted to get out of the city for the day and I just…I
should have called.”

The
older woman waved away her apology. “Nonsense. Is Braydon with you?”

“No. He
doesn’t know I’m here.”

Her
expression turned nervous. “Oh.” Replacing her surprise with a smile, she
turned to Hunter. “And who is this lovely cherub?”

Becca
tapped Hunter’s shoulder. “This is my son, Hunter. Hunter, can you say hello to
Mrs. McCullough?”

He
shook his head and went back to playing with the snow. Maureen preened. “What a
handsome fellow you are, Hunter. Do you like hot chocolate? I have some
inside.”

“Hunter,
would you like some hot chocolate?”

“Chocolate.”

Maureen’s
smile widened. “I’ll take that as a yes. Come on then. Let’s get warm before
your little fingers freeze.”

Maureen
led the way and Becca directed Hunter toward the house.

“Cold,”
he repeated as he shifted his arms.

Becca
continued at his side. “Yes, it’s cold here. It’ll be warm inside the house.”

They
made it into the kitchen and she guided Hunter to the table, but he chose to
explore while Maureen heated up the chocolate on the stove. Hunter touched the
walls and walked close to the deer head hanging in the hall only to laugh and
walk away. This seemed to confuse him, but little by little he stepped closer
to examine the oddity.

“So how
are things with you and Braydon?” Maureen asked.

“Good.
I heard he’s been spending some time here lately.”

“Has
he?”

She
laughed silently. “I know about the house, Maureen.”

“Oh,
well then, yes, he’s been here quite a bit. Does he know you’re visiting,
love?”

Hunter
yelled in the hall, his voice carrying up to the high ceilings, causing him to
laugh and repeat the action. “No. I wanted to bring Hunter here to see how he
liked it.”

“The
mountain’s a wonderful place to raise children. I can say that because I know a
thing or two about it. Raised five boys here and have no regrets. Boys need
lots of room to run and play. They broke nearly every nice thing I’ve ever
owned, but they’re good boys and I’ve forgiven them.”

Carrying
the mugs to the table, Maureen opened the freezer and cracked a few ice cubes
from a tray. “Let’s give his a minute to cool, love. He seems to be enjoying
himself anyway. Would you like some cake? I have some left over from dessert
last night.”

“Sure.
Thank you.”

When
the cocoa cooled, Becca sipped hers carefully. It was creamy and unlike the
powder kind she usually made. It filled her with a warm sense of comfort.

“Hunter,
come have your hot chocolate.” She stood, knowing he was involved in his
exploration. Once she’d prompted him back to the table, he sat and Becca
wrapped his hands around the mug. “Careful.”

He took
a big sip and smiled, his lip covered in a frothy, brown mustache.

“Do you
like the hot chocolate, Hunter?” Maureen asked.

His
lashes flickered as his head tipped to the side. “I like chocolate.”

“I bet
there are lots of things here for a boy your age. Do you like fishing?”

“I
don’t think he’s ever been fishing,” Becca admitted.

“Oh,
well, Braydon loves the water. He has a boat I’m sure he’d like to show you.
What else do you like to do?”

“Run.”

“Oh,
running. There’s lots of room to run here. Maybe after our cake, I can find
some hats and gloves and we can take a walk. You can show me how fast you run.”

They
finished their snack and Maureen disappeared as Becca wiped Hunter’s face. When
she returned she had a basket filled with mittens, gloves, scarves, and hats.

She
poured the basket onto the table and sorted through the items. “Look at this,
Hunter. Which hat do you like? This one’s very soft.”

Hunter
came over and picked up a hat then dropped it. “Itchy.”

“Oh,
that one is itchy. Do you not like the itchy ones? Let’s put all the itchy ones
back in the basket.” Becca was impressed how Maureen found a way to include her
son. It was as if she’d known he might not accept just any hat.

She
stood back and watched as Maureen and her son sorted through the pile, hiding
away the scratchy fabrics, then sorting the water resistant materials Hunter
claimed were slippery. In the end, they had all of the gloves paired up and
organized by color. Hunter chose a blue pair and a soft wool hat. Watching
Braydon’s mother handle him with such patience made her love the woman even
more.

As
Hunter ran through the yard, Becca and Maureen took a much slower pace. There
was nothing but open space for Hunter to explore. It was likely the
most fresh
air he’d had in ages.

They
walked for over an hour, chatting and taking in the sights. Maureen asked lots
of questions about her plans with Braydon, but Becca was honest when she told
her she hadn’t decided anything as of yet, and a lot depended on what would be
the most beneficial for Hunter.

When
she turned to head up the road, Maureen caught her arm. “Let’s not go that way,
love.”

Thinking
Maureen knew the land better than her she agreed then stilled. Looking back,
she asked, “That’s where the house is, isn’t it?”

Maureen
grinned. “You’ll have to ask my son about that. It isn’t my place to be leading
you down certain paths. Those roads were built for you to take with him. If you
choose to, that is.”

Unsure
if she was prepared to see what Braydon had created, she nodded and turned back
in the opposite direction.

“Braydon’s
a good boy,” Maureen announced, pride embedded in her voice. “He’s always had
an obsession with perfection. I warned him there was no such thing. I told him
one day he’d fall in love with a woman that would turn his world upside down
and have the ability to put him right on his arse. I like that you’re
different, Becca love. You’re good for my boy.”

“Well,
I’m not perfect, that’s for sure.”

“No,
but only one person was and they nailed that poor man to a cross. I’d say you
and your son are perfectly human and that’s all anyone’s really expected to be
in this life.”

“Thank
you, Maureen.”

“For
what? I’m just telling it like it is. Now, I won’t go telling you about how
much work my son’s put into building you the perfect home, or how much research
he’s done to find you the perfect fixtures, or even how he attended the local
PTA meeting with Colin last week in order to push that grant through. What I
will tell you is that he loves you and he wants you and when a McCullough man
sets his heart to something…well, there are wiser things a girl can do than
turn him away.”

She
smirked. This was as subtle as Maureen McCullough could get. “I understand.”

“Good. I knew you were a smart lass.”
                                  

* * * *

“What
do you mean she was there?” Braydon’s head was going to explode. “Did she see
the house?”

“No,
dear, I know better than to spoil your surprises. She came with Hunter and we
had hot cocoa, went for a walk, ate lunch, and then she had to get him home
because he was getting tired. Such a sweet little man, her son is.”

“Ma, why
didn’t you call me when she got there?”

“Why
would I do that? She came to see me, not you. She sees you all the time. Is it
too much to ask that I have some company once in a while?”

“Jesus.
Did she seem angry?”

“What
the bloody hell would she be angry about, Braydon? I told you we had a nice
afternoon.”

He
couldn’t get over the idea of Becca driving there on her own and not telling
him. She didn’t do things spontaneously like that. “I don’t understand why she
wouldn’t tell me she was going there. I would’ve taken her.”

“Maybe
she didn’t want you to know. You men seem to think you can go on making every
important decision without us. Well, you better learn now, Braydon, that isn’t
how a relationship works. You men give the green light when we women tell you
you can. Just like your father, making big decisions without considering your
love might want to form
her own
opinion. You’re asking
the lass to uproot herself from her home.”

“I just
thought the mountain would be a better home,” he admitted with a ring of
defeat.

“And it
will be. There’s no denying she loves it here. Hunter ran and played, and he’s
a lovely boy. He’ll be happy here. But don’t you go trying to decide for her.
She’ll agree to move when she realizes she’s already made up her mind, but she
needs to realize that at her own pace.”

He was
pulling into Becca’s neighborhood and already sweating. It was hard to imagine
his mother actually having a peaceful day with his angel and not doing anything
to scare her off. “Nothing else happened?”

“Nothing
else happened, you little shit. You’ve got yourself a good woman there. Have a
little faith. And for God’s sake, have a little faith in your family. We’re not
always a bunch of raging lunatics. We know how to be respectable when it
counts.”

He
rolled his eyes. “All right. I’ve got to go. I love you, Mum.”

“I love
you too. Be patient with her, dearie. She’ll come around.”

He hung
up the phone and parked the car. Taking a deep breath he tried to imagine what
he’d be walking into. Gathering his courage, he went to knock on the door.

Becca
unlocked the door and smiled when she saw him. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“I
ordered pizza. I thought you were the delivery man.”

“I
could have picked it up on my way.”

“That’s
okay. We sort of had an odd day and Hunter’s napping.”

He took
off his coat and hung it up. The house was quiet. He waited for her to tell him
about her trip to his home, but she didn’t. “I spoke to my mother.”

She
stilled. “Oh?”

“Becca,
why didn’t you tell me you were going there?”