As Tears Go By (28 page)

It was
a relief he was on the right track. “Who says you can’t want children?”

“I do.
I’m a coward.”

He had
fears too. Sometimes he chased “normal” so hard he lost sight of where he was
running. “Do you think we’re moving too fast?” Maybe they were.

“I
don’t know. I think it’s way too soon to even be contemplating family. I mean,
we’re still getting to know each other and…”

Her
words trailed off leaving him with a heavy, unpleasant feeling in his gut.
“And?”

She
glanced away, adding to his concern. “I’m still not over my past. I don’t know
if I can look to the future when something still seems to be anchoring me where
I was.”

“Over
your past or over Kevin?” He had to ask. The idea of her reconciling with that
jerk made no sense to him, but there had to be some good to the man that he
wasn’t seeing. However, he hoped she’d quell his worry with an emphatic no.

“I
don’t know.”

His
eyes closed at her regrettable omission. “I see.”

“Do
you? It’s not Kevin—the man—but Kevin and my life before you, Braydon. Letting
you in means letting that go and I don’t know if I can. I’m scared and the last
thing I want to do is hurt you.”

His
breathing turned erratic no matter how much he tried to quell his worry.
Whether she realized it or not, her past had already let
her
go. Clinging to it was an illusion. But sometimes illusions made
people do very foolish things. Quietly, he forced the words out. “Are you
breaking up with me, Becca?”

“I
don’t want to.”

“Then
don’t. Why are we even discussing this?”

Her
eyes pleaded with him, her mouth tight. “Because it’s important, Braydon. You’re
so different than me. You’re courageous and I’m…not.”

“You’re
only a coward if your fear stops you from trying. Being brave doesn’t come
without fear, Becca. This is new for me too. It’s okay to be scared. Being a
coward means not having the guts to face your fears. Don’t give up on us
without trying.”

“I’m
scared and I hate it.”

He
hated it too. When she expressed her fears like this—all valid—it amplified his
own. Though he tried to bravely approach this relationship, there was a lot
about Becca’s life that intimidated him. He’d never dated someone with a child
and the unspoken expectation that came with that sort of commitment challenged
his faith in himself.

Taking
her hand and rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, he asked, “What exactly are
you afraid of?”

Tipping
her head back, she blinked at the ceiling as a small tear escaped, racing past
her lashes and losing itself in her hair. “Drowning.”

It
killed him to see her be so hard on herself. Taking control, he pulled her to
him. Her head rested on his lap as he gently combed his fingers through her
hair. “Me too.”

She
sniffled. “But you don’t have to be here.”

His
hand stilled as he frowned at her. “I
want
to, Becca. This is where I want to be.”

“But
for how long? Eventually, everyone wants to leave.”

A month
ago, he’d have no answer for her. They’d started their relationship with a
one-night stand. At no point during their first encounter, did he expect to
feel so much for this woman. Now, however, all of that had changed. It was time
to show a little of the hand his was hiding. “I don’t see myself ever wanting
to leave. You make me happy.”

“You
make me happy too.”

“Isn’t
that enough, angel?”
 
When she didn’t
answer, he whispered, “It’s okay to try for happiness, Becca. Sometimes we miss
and sometimes we hit, but no one’s ever succeeded without experiencing some
failure.”

“My
divorce was a big pill I’m still trying to swallow. The things I felt for Kevin
were
so one dimensional compared to the way you make
me feel. If I can’t quite get over losing that relationship, I’m not sure I’d
survive losing ours.”

“Becca…”
Running out of words in the face of such jaded pessimism, he lost a bit of his
calm. “Where am I going? You act as though I’ve given you reason to expect I’ll
leave. I’m right here. You need to stop doing this to yourself. I know you’re
scared, but I
promise,
you’re worried
over nothing.”

“I just
need to know that you understand that I’m still processing.”

“I do
understand, Becca. I can’t imagine a marriage is an easy thing to let go of.
You have to redefine your thinking. I know things would have been easier if
we’d met a year later and you had a chance to find closure, but we met now. We
can get through this together. You can talk to me about it. I never want you to
think you can’t share your honest feelings with me.”

Her
face pinched as a small puddle of tears gathered in the corner of her eye. “You
shouldn’t have to listen to that stuff. Sometimes I don’t even get the way I
feel.”

Brushing
her hair away from her face, he said, “Should or shouldn’t doesn’t matter. I’m
here because I love you. I didn’t fall in love with an illusion and neither of
us is perfect. Don’t be afraid to lean on me. I promise I won’t let you drown.”

Shifting,
she rose to her knees and looped her arms around his neck. Her lips pressed to
his and she whispered, “Do you know how dangerous you are to my heart?”

“Maybe
I’m not dangerous at all,” he whispered, slanting his mouth to hers. Maybe,
placing her heart in his care was the safest thing she could do. For as much as
love seemed to frighten her, Braydon knew he’d never be able to hurt her the
way her ex had. In time he hoped she realized that.

When
she pulled away and cuddled into his side, he figured now was as good a time as
any to address certain matters. “How do you feel about going on the pill,
Becca?”

Her
shoulders lifted and she sighed. “That’s probably smart.”

Figuring
that would lay some of her preemptive concerns to rest, he said, “I think we
both got ahead of ourselves. As much as I’d like to someday have a family, I
don’t want to make any decisions before we’re ready.”

He
regretted his words the moment he saw her withdraw. “Braydon…”

Quickly
holding out a hand, he assured, “We don’t have to decide now. I understand all
your concerns.”

“Do
you?”

“Becca,
I understand, which is why I said we’ll decide when we’re ready. I’m in no
rush. Kate lost a baby. So did my mum I recently found out. Sammy had a really
scary labor with Liam, and Kelly and Ashlynn’s son, Nate, was premature.
Sheilagh can’t get pregnant. And Luke is still waiting for approval so he can
be a father. The only one out of all of us that didn’t have some sort of
complication was Finn. There’s always fear where family’s concerned and I
wouldn’t rush into starting one without fully thinking it through. However,
accidents happen and if we found ourselves in an unexpected situation I’d do
the right thing and adapt.”

Her
gaze fell to her lap. “I just have this feeling you expect my mind to change
and you’re holding out for that.” Lifting her face, her stare locked with his.
“It may never change, Braydon. If you
need
to have family, you need to find a woman who can give you guarantees.”

He
didn’t want guarantees. He wanted her. If a future with Becca came at the
expense of never having a family, he’d deal. She was that important to him,
that different from every other woman he’d ever been with. Besides, she already
had one great kid. “There are no guarantees in life, angel, but I know not
having children isn’t enough to make me walk away.”

She
blinked, her eyes again glassy with unshed tears. “I love you.”

“I love
you too. Now, stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. We’ve got plenty
of time to decide our future.”

“You’re
so different from Kevin.”

His jaw
twitched. He’d promised she could share her true feelings with him, but he was
growing tired of hearing the other man’s name. “Well, Kevin’s gone now.”

Her
brow furrowed as though his words somehow pained her, but it was the truth,
Kevin was gone. “He’s Hunter’s father, Braydon. He’ll always be a part of our
lives. He’ll never be gone for good.”

There
was something off about the way she jumped to his defense. “I only meant you
don’t need to live by his edicts anymore. Don’t measure your decisions against
his opinions. You’re apart for a reason and not because you shared the same
opinion on most things.”

She was
quiet for a long time. “I think, if we ever had children, you’d make an
incredible father.”

“Thank
you.” She couldn’t seem to let the topic go. The more she returned to the
discussion of family, the more Braydon realized how greatly it was weighing on
her. Perhaps she truly did want more children, but couldn’t admit the truth to
herself. His heart swelled as he silently admitted he wasn’t ready to forgo the
hope for family completely. “You’re already an incredible mum.”

She
smiled, her eyes drifting. “If we had children, would they call me Mum?”

Now
this, this was dangerous. He’d cauterized the topic, but she continued to pick.
He didn’t have the will to shut the topic down, not when hypothesizing about
such an indulgent fantasy filled him with such pleasure.

He
stretched and allowed his mind to venture, reminding himself they were only
postulating. “I think they might. They’d have blonde hair and your lavender
eyes and a wild McCullough streak. The youngest would probably curse like a
sailor, having learned all the good words from his older cousins and his
grandmother.”

She
giggled, surprising him with the ease at which she embraced the make-believe.
“My children will not swear.”

“Love,
every McCullough swears.” He grinned, having fun imagining such things. A sense
of peace settled over him. His mind withdrew as he pictured his home on the
mountain, his children romping over the same open land he and his siblings used
to play. It wouldn’t matter if their children were brilliant, in remedial
classes, disfigured, shockingly beautiful, autistic or anything else. They’d
all be special because they’d be theirs.

What
did matter was the more he imagined his future, the more he admitted he hadn’t
been totally honest with Becca. Part of him was holding out hope that she’d
someday change her mind. He didn’t know how to shut off such expectation. If he
confessed how much he someday wanted a family, she’d likely shut him out again,
so for now, he kept these feelings to himself, hoping that with time, she’d
find the confidence she lost and try for more.

* * * *

Over
the next few weeks Becca welcomed Braydon’s presence in their home, pushing
herself to move forward and not dwell on the past. He often came to her house
after work, bringing desserts they’d share after dinner. Hunter seemed to enjoy
the occurrences he was there. Though her son never called him by name or spoke
directly to him, he did acknowledge Braydon’s presence in his own unique way.

Her son
accepted Braydon into their private world. When they danced, Braydon danced
with them. When they drummed, Braydon did an excellent guitar solo. When Hunter
needed to be bathed, Braydon put on shorts and helped her get the job done.

Hunter’s
behavior was shifting slightly as he’d sometimes pause waiting for Braydon to
follow as though expecting his attendance as a small piece of their whole.
Children on the spectrum didn’t typically mimic unnecessary adult behaviors
like neurotypical children tended to. They copied only what their brains
recognized as useful actions in order to accomplish tasks more efficiently.
Yet, Hunter carefully evaluated Braydon’s habits, picking up strange behaviors,
such as adjusting the blinds the way Braydon tended to when the sun set each
evening. This surprised Becca.

There
was a precise rationalization behind everything Hunter did, whether outsiders
recognized his reasoning or not. He had superior reasoning skills the rest of
the world was still struggling to appreciate. When behaviors didn’t waste time
on superfluous social touches they typically weren’t praised by society, but
Becca understood her son’s compulsions and it seemed Braydon was starting to as
well.

Since
Braydon’s arrival, other excessive behaviors were also waning. Hunter didn’t
seem to flap as much or give into unnecessary impulses as frequently as he had
before. Perhaps her son was maturing. Or perhaps it was the incredible man now
sharing their lives.

Before
Braydon, Hunter often stood several times throughout a meal in order to tap a
specific spot on the wall three times between bites. These were slight
differences, but they were occurring and Becca was trying to figure out why.

Some
nights Braydon brought his laptop to finish up work from the office. He used
programs Becca wasn’t familiar with and had little interest in. Hunter,
however, seemed curious. Her son had minimal social motivation regarding
others. She knew he wasn’t trying to get closer to Braydon as a person, but he
appeared very intrigued by whatever was happening on the laptop.