As Tears Go By (23 page)

“I’m a
teacher, so he had some questions.”

No
wonder he’d been so accepting and unshakable. He was directing all the awkward
questions at his ex.

“Did I
say something wrong?” Sammy asked, looking confused.

Becca
shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. I’m just surprised he discussed Hunter with
you. I didn’t realize others knew I had a son.”

“Well,
we all love children. No one’s judging the fact that you have one.”

But
she’d seen all their children.
Each one appeared developmentally
on target and socially well-adjusted.
It wasn’t the same. Even parents
could harshly judge what they didn’t understand. Glancing nervously at Sammy,
her train of thought derailed.

What
the heck was she doing? These people had been nothing but accepting since the
moment she stepped foot on their property.

There
was a fine line between protecting Hunter, and being the one to constantly
reiterate that he was different. He was her son. Period. Her paranoia over
others’ acceptance was becoming more cumbersome than the actual reality. It
wasn’t right for her to be so hyper focused on Hunter’s differences when no one
else was making a big deal out of their situation. She needed to chill.

“Is he
with his father for Thanksgiving?”

“Yes.”

Sammy
smiled sadly and surprised Becca by patting her hand. “That must be difficult
for you, missing a holiday with him. Maybe one weekend you can bring him back
so we can meet him.”

Becca
took in the other woman’s kind eyes and soft smile. She seemed very sincere. “Hunter
has difficulty with large crowds.”

“Oh,
well, of course we wouldn’t want to overwhelm him. If he came for a visit you
guys would be more than welcome to stay with Colin and me for the weekend.
Colin has a way of keeping his relatives at bay when necessary. Of course,
there’re still our little guys, who can be a bit rambunctious, but I’m sure
they’d have a blast with Hunter. You should think about it.”

Samantha
was really nice, she decided. They all were. It was baffling and incredibly
refreshing at the same time.

Braydon
returned from the bar and placed a fresh glass of wine in front of her. She
desperately needed a sip. “Wanna dance? I picked the next song on the jukebox
for you.”

Glancing
over the rim of her glass she beamed. “You did? What did you pick?”

“You’ll
see. Come on.” He took her hand and pulled her to where the others had been
dancing to a fast paced song.

“What’s
Finn doing?”

Bray
shrugged as his brother did a strange impression of a bird. “He has his own
special kind of dancing. We just nod and smile.”

He took
her hand and swung her close. “Are we slow dancing?”

“Maybe.”

The
song came to an end as a new one started. She recognized it right away as her
personal favorite,
As Tears Go By.
“I love this song.”

His
voice was low, his eyes twinkling in the dim lighting. “I know. You said. It
reminds me of you.”

They
moved in a slow circle, his hand holding hers tight as the rest of the world
fell away. “What do you think they’re singing about?” he asked, his voice low
and close to her ear.

Her mouth
pinched, guarding her secrets. “You’ll laugh.”

“No, I
won’t.” His gaze met hers and held. “I promise.”

Drawing
in a deep breath, she rested her head on his shoulder and quietly confessed. “I
think he’s singing to me. The day that Hunter was diagnosed I went to the park
and cried as I watched from my car while all the children played. This song was
playing on the radio. It was the one time I let myself really face what I was
up against. My son wasn’t talking and the specialists warned he might never speak.”

His
hold shifted, putting enough space between them so he could meet her gaze
again. “I didn’t realize it was a sad song for you.” His expression was
weighted with regret. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s
not sad, not anymore,” she quickly reassured, not wanting to diminish his sweet
gesture. “That was the first day of the rest of my life. Since then the song has
taken on a different meaning.”

“How
so?”

“I
think when they sing about the evening of the day it represents our
unpredictable schedule and the nights we went without sleep because Hunter
needed to be awake. The tears going by are his victories, like the first time
he said my name or made eye contact with me and smiled—all the things I was
told not to expect. Those moments didn’t happen when expected, but they
happened.”

Relief
softened his features and he pulled her close again, hugging her as they
danced. She loved that Braydon was so affectionate, always holding and touching
her and hugging her. She’d gone without such things for so long they still
seemed to surprise her and take her breath away.

She
pressed her cheek to his shoulder and quietly confessed, “I miss him.”

“I know
it’s difficult being away from him, but I’m glad you’re here with me.”

“It’s
hard being apart for so long.”

“Understandably.”
He kissed her cheek and they danced silently for a bit. “Becca?”

“Hmm?”
she hummed, lulled into a state of contentment, safe in his arms.

“Don’t
get mad.”

Safe
feeling gone.
Lifting her head, she met his gaze, trepidation causing her steps to falter.
“What’s wrong?”

“Well,
I have to tell you something and you’re not gonna like it.”

She
didn’t want him to spoil their peaceful night. “Then don’t tell me,” she said
childishly, as though that would solve anything.

“I have
to.” His brow puckered with regret. “I did something you told me not to.”

She
stepped back, releasing her hands from his hold. The music faded to white noise
as her head filled with panic. If it was something she specifically told him
not to do then it was something meaningful she didn’t want to happen. “Tell
me.”

He
offered a half-smile, but she could see whatever he was about to admit was
serious. She waited, fearing they might all be driving home in Nikki’s car that
night.

Glancing
down, he drew in a breath then met her expectant stare. “I’ve fallen in love
with you.”

Her
breath held for an uncalculated length of time as she stopped moving. Her lungs
began to burn and she sucked in a gulp of air, throwing the earth back into
motion.

Shaking
her head, certain she hadn’t heard him right, she frowned. “What?”

“Don’t
get mad. I know I promised I wouldn’t, because those words aren’t little to
you, but they aren’t little to me either. They’re big, too big to keep inside
anymore. I love you.”

Her
vision wavered and her lip trembled. “You…love me?”

“Yes. I
love everything about you. Being here with you only made me sure of everything
I’ve been feeling. You’re right for me and I want to be right for you.”

Her
heart beat erratically. “Oh, Braydon…”

“You
don’t have to say it—”

She cut
off his words, lunging herself at him and sealing her mouth to his. Silly boy.
How could he not realize she’d fallen head over heels for him? There was a
sudden outpouring of applause and catcalls. Pulling back, she ducked her face
into his shoulder, heat burning her face. “Everyone’s looking at us.”

“Well,
let’s give them something to really shout about.” He dipped her back and kissed
her deeply. The group of drunken McCulloughs went crazy, shouting and whistling
like they were at a sports event.

When he
dragged his lips away she was dizzy.

He
grinned with cockiness, pressing his forehead to hers. “I played another song
for you.”

The
Stones ended and Blind Melon took over singing
No Rain.
She laughed,
remembering when they danced in her kitchen. “God, I love you too.”

His
grin froze, a million sentiments flashing in his eyes. The main one she
recognized was relief. “You make me happier than I’ve been in a long time,
Becca. Dance with me.”

Taking
her hand he spun her around the dance floor. The rest of the McCulloughs came
out to join them, Finn led the pack with his unique dance moves and had them
all cramping with laughter. It was likely the best night she’d had in…well,
ever.

Chapter Ten

They
stumbled into the big house sometime after two. Becca giggled uncontrollably as
her foot caught on the carpet and she did a not so graceful wild turkey dive
into Braydon’s room.

“Good
night, lovebirds!” Sheilagh called from down the hall as her door slammed.

“Good
night.” Braydon shut and locked his bedroom door. “You’re in trouble.”

The bed
covers fluffed as she collapsed onto the mattress. “I like trouble.”

He
shook his head. “You’re a giggly mess. I’m shocked I haven’t lost you to a fit
of snorts.”

On cue,
air went up her nose in the most unladylike snuffle. “Oops.” Her fingers
covered her nose, but it was no use. Her laughter turned to unladylike snorts
and she was inconsolable for some time as she had quite the one woman, drunken
giggle fest.

Once
the last giggle seemed drained from her lungs, she flopped to her back and
hummed happily. “Tonight was fun.”

Braydon
removed his shoes and stripped off his clothes, yanking clothing off Becca at
the same time. He’d been waiting hours to get her back to his room. Dropping to
the bed, he stripped off her shirt and unclasped her bra, wasting no time
getting one of her pert nipples into his mouth. She moaned and twisted beneath
him.

“I want
you so much I can’t stand it,” he whispered, plumbing her breasts and teasing
the tips.

She
stretched beneath him, extending her arms into the pillows and wrapping her
legs around his hips. “I’m yours.” Her eyes closed, a content, punch drunk grin
curving her lips.

He
paused. He didn’t want to overestimate the meaning of her words seeing as she’d
had a lot to drink, but he wanted there to be sincerity behind her muttered
statement. Releasing her breast, he rose to study her face. “Are you?”

Her
eyes slowly opened and she nodded. She was his. His lips crashed to hers as he kissed
her with all his pent up passion and desire. Her tongue dueled with his as her
fingers tunneled through his hair.

Need
thrummed through his veins, demanding he claim what was his. Taking her hand,
he pressed it to his cock. Her palm gripped his hard flesh and pulled at his
length, sending chills up his spine. His fingers delved between her thighs and
found her sex, wet and hot. She arched into his touch as he probed deep between
her folds. “Tell me what you want.”

She
writhed, lost in the passionate moment. “I want you to take control. I don’t
want to decide.”

Pressing
two fingers deep, he stilled, holding her body on the precipice of pleasure.
“You like when I’m in control?”

Head
tipped back into the mattress, cheeks flushed, she nodded shyly. Drawing in a
deep breath, scenting her arousal, his jaw twitched as his inner caveman
growled. Withdrawing his fingers, he slowly lifted the digits to his mouth and
tasted her.

“Turn
on your stomach.”

She
obliged, scrambling to her hands and knees and giving him an outstanding view
of her ass.

“Scoot
forward so you can reach the headboard.”

Hoisting
her hips higher, he traced his fingers down her spine as he admired the view.
His lips pressed into each rounded cheek, needing to taste more of her.
Twisting, he dropped to his back and slid his shoulders between her knees.

Heaven.

Gripping
her ass, he tugged her low, extended his neck, and made a long sweep with his
tongue over her glistening sex. She shot up, but he held her close, sipping
from her, nibbling at her soft skin as though it were succulent fruit. “Stay
still,” he commanded, pulling her sex down to his mouth. Peeking upward, he
watched her breasts swaying as her body gyrated over him.

Her
keening cries filled the room as he tormented her in the sweetest way possible,
holding her to him as her pleasure climbed. Every encounter quickly unraveled
into that moment, trumping all other experiences. Nothing compared to what he
felt with this woman.

Her
shyness disappeared as he awoke every carnal part of her being. Her taste
covered his lips and he savored every drop as she came, crying out his name and
trembling in his grip.

Braydon
quickly pulled her down his body, cradling her narrow shoulders as he held her
through the aftershocks of her climax and kissed her passionately. Adjusted
their position, he slid her to her belly and climbed to his knees.

Lining
up their bodies up, he admired her figure and entered her from behind in one
fluid motion. She cried out as he filled her. His hand snaked beneath her body,
cupping her breast as his chest lowered,
pressing
sensually to her back. He couldn’t get close enough. Rising, he hitched her
hips, raising her back flush against his front.

The
angle didn’t allow for speed, but it made up for it with depth. The intensity
doubled as he held himself buried inside her heat and caressed his hand down
her front, spreading his fingers wide across her abdomen. Her head tipped back
to his shoulder, and he felt as though he were encroaching on her soul. Her
arms looped around his neck as he caressed her chin and kissed her.

His
fingers followed the long curve of her arm, tracing down from her raised elbow
to her breast. “Do you feel that?” he whispered against her soft lips. “I’ve
never felt anything like it. Your body fits mine perfectly.”

“Oh,
God…” She moaned and whimpered as he slowly rocked into her. She did some fancy
move with her hips, taking him deeper.

His
palms traced around her ribs and glided down to her trembling thighs. “You’re
so hot and tight.” Her sex fluttered with every word he spoke. “Being inside of
you is heaven.”

She
sighed as he teased the soft patch of hair above her sex.

“Fuck,
angel, I don’t ever want to leave you.”

Her
fingers locked in his hair, jerking his lips to hers. “Then don’t.”

He
chuckled, his lips mashing to hers.

Her
hands left his hair, teasing down his neck before reaching for her sex. Her
delicate fingers stroked over his balls and toyed with her clit until he felt
her break once more. Her body tightened around his length, as wet heat coated
his cock and his own release tunneled out of him. They existed, in that moment,
on some intrepid plane of bliss he’d never visited before.

It was the most unadulterated sexual moment of his life and
it only took him half a second to destroy it. “Marry me, angel.”

* * * *

Becca
froze, her ears still ringing from the incredible, full body orgasm she’d just
experienced. Her skin turned cold. “What…what did you just say?”

Silence.

“Braydon…”
Needing to see his face, she crawled forward, disentangling her body from his.
“Say something.”

He
remained quiet. She reached for the blankets, needing shelter after such a
vulnerable show. His expression was blank. Her eyes traveled over his body and
awareness as to why the sex was so incredible set in. “We didn’t use
protection.”

He
blinked, but made no comment.

Furious
and feeling like she was speaking to a brick wall, she squirmed back and glared
at him. “Braydon, say something. Now.”

His
Adam’s apple shifted as he noticeably swallowed. “I don’t know what to say.”

Gripping
her temples, she shook her head and snapped, “We forgot a condom.”

“Are
you upset?”

Upset?
Yes, she was upset! How was he calm? Rather than respond, she did quick math in
her head. She had her period about two weeks ago. That meant—oh God.

Breath
filled her lungs, leveling her back into the headboard.
Calm down. Don’t freak out.
He still wasn’t talking, which only
added to her frustration. Sliding her hands behind her head, she fisted her
hair and exhaled slowly, hoping to expel some of her fear. It wasn’t helping
and neither was he.

Needing
to take some form of action, she bolted off the bed. “I need to take a shower.”

That
seemed to jerk him back to reality. “Wait.” He jumped off the bed and grabbed
her hand, but she flung him away, unable to tolerate closeness at the
moment.
 
She paced with agitation. Her
mind fragmented with hypotheticals and worst-case scenarios. He seemed
unbothered by the implications of their actions. Didn’t he understand?

“I
can’t wait, Braydon. You just came inside of me!”

“Becca,
please calm down. Besides, what the hell is showering going to do?”

Her
palms covered her face and she squeezed as regret growled out of her. “I don’t
know, but I can’t have babies.” She flung her hands down, resenting her absent
wits that had been chased away by booze.

He
frowned at her. “What are you talking about? You had Hunter.”

“Exactly.”
She needed fresh air—or a shower—or a drink. Anything outside of that room
would help at the moment. “Where are my pants?”

“Becca,
stop for a minute. I’m sorry I forgot a condom, but I think you’re
overreacting. The chances—”

She
turned on him. “That’s what you’re missing, Braydon. I can’t afford to take
chances. Do you know what my life would be like if I had another child? I can
barely handle Hunter on my own.”

He drew
back and scowled. “Who the fuck said you’d be alone?”

“Don’t
curse at me.”

His
lips thinned. “Don’t make me out to be an asshole. I’m not Kevin.”

She
found her shirt and snatched it off the floor. When she couldn’t turn it right
side out she huffed and thwacked the garment in the air. “You’re right, you’re
not. You’re some guy I met a couple months ago who has no idea about how
difficult my life is.” Why wasn’t this shirt
—

The
room spun and he was suddenly in her face, gripping her shoulders. “That’s
enough. I love you, Becca. That means that I know you enough to care what your
daily life entails, I wanna be there to help, and I respect you, God damn it.
Stop acting like no one else can comprehend your job as a mother.”

His
harsh honesty left her shaken, her words readily jumping from her mouth to shield
her heart. “They can’t! If you could you’d understand why I can’t have another
child.”

“You
can
have another child. The only thing stopping you is you!”

Her jaw
trembled. “No, Braydon, the only thing stopping me is reality. How many hours
will I sleep with an infant in addition to Hunter? Who’s going to care for my
baby while I’m working, which I’ll be doing until I’m dead, because—news
flash—autism is expensive! Hunter’s medication costs me more than my car
payment each month, not to mention his afterschool care and therapy sessions
and all the equipment he needs. I couldn’t even afford to have a tree cut down!
And I have to consider the amount of attention my son needs. What will that
cost his siblings? I can’t emotionally afford another child and it’s completely
selfish of me to dream of one when I’m already stretched to my limits on a
daily basis. You don’t get it.”

He
dropped to the bed and stared at the floor. “But what if…”

“What?
What if I had a neurotypical child? Some studies claim there’s an eighteen
percent chance of recurrence. It runs in families, Braydon. And even if I had
the easiest, neurotypical baby in the world, babies require more effort than I
can spare. You have no right to question me on this! And I have no right
bringing another life into this world when I can barely manage my own.”

“All
right!” he shouted and she jerked back a step. “I said I was sorry. It was an
accident.” He glared at her, and she didn’t like the hardness in his eyes.

She
turned to find shoes.

“I can
live with not having children.”

Pivoting
slowly she frowned at him. He wasn’t her husband. This entire issue was
premature; their relationship not nearly developed enough to withstand such
pressure. “Why should you have to?”

“Because
I want you and that’s what you want.”

God,
she would ruin him. She couldn’t stand the idea of depriving someone like
Braydon of a family he obviously expected. “No, Braydon, none of this is what I
want.”

“Stop
saying stuff like that. You’re upset.”

“I’m
real.” It hurt. The truth ripped into her like a hot poker cauterizing her
dreams from actual reality. But it was her reality, not his. “You have this
idea in your head about me that isn’t right. I’ve been telling you from the
beginning, my life’s chaotic and I’m not some sweet little innocent.”

“And
I’ve listened to you, Becca. I’ve learned everything I can about autism. I read
articles every day. What I can’t find is the part of you
not
defined by
autism. I’m trying to figure you out, but you won’t let me in.”

Her
face lowered, as she could no longer look him in the eye. “There are no other
parts. It’s my life.”