As Tears Go By (37 page)

“I know
this is weird, Braydon, but he was here and I didn’t feel good. It was nice
that he offered to help with Hunter.”

“Imagine
that, Hunter’s father helping.”

“Hey.”

“Sorry.”
He rubbed her shoulder. He shouldn’t take a cheap shot at the man if he was
genuinely there to spend time with his son—something Hunter was due—but the
man’s presence reeked of personal motive. Maybe he was over thinking. “He said
you’re considering his asinine proposal to reconcile.” She was quiet. His skin
immediately turned clammy. “Becca?”

Her
sorrowful eyes pleaded with him and he stood. This had to be a joke. While he
loved Becca for her patience, there had to be a limit where her ex was
concerned. Even
he
had limits to how
much he could tolerate. Extending his presence for Hunter was one thing.
Schmoozing his ex-wife and tampering with their situation was something
altogether different, especially if Becca was falling for his bullshit.

“You’re
kidding, right?”

She
pinched her forehead. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” Tossing down her
hand, she whispered, “He’s Hunter’s father.”

Yes,
his
father,
not her partner. That
ship had sailed. “And what the hell am I?”

“You’re…my
boyfriend.”

The
clear hierarchy of their statuses rankled. Stunned and uncomprehending he gaped
at her. He hadn’t believed she was actually considering letting this man back
into her life more than what was necessary. He paced to the door and shut it
quietly, offering a smidgen of privacy.

“Becca,
you said you wanted to move in together. We have a plan. Kevin has a very
different one. This isn’t just about Hunter and you know it. You need to make
it clear to him where you stand.”

“Everything’s
moving really fast, Braydon.”

His
breath became labored. With every word it became apparent
she
wasn’t sure where
she
stood. “Becca, you’re divorced.
Divorced
.
The man wants to reconcile—which is crazy considering he had an affair and
ignored you. Don’t mislead him into believing there’s a possibility of—”

“I know
my marriage is over, but my family…” she interrupted, baffling him with her
refusal to tell this man to take a hike with all of his half cocked promises
Braydon knew he wouldn’t keep.

“Think
of all the times he let you down.”

Her
expression turned pleading. “But our family—”

“
Him
. This is about him. Don’t call it
family when that was always his last priority. This is Kevin, doing for Kevin,
like he’s always done. What makes you think he’s suddenly changed?”

“He’s
been seeing a therapist.”

What
the hell difference did that make? “And you’ve been seeing another man. Damn
it, Becca, we have a plan here.”

“But I
had a plan with him too, a plan for our family, for Hunter.”

His
head was going to implode. Forking his fingers through his hair, he paced with
agitation, trying to maintain his patience. “Right, and then Kevin proceeded to
let that plan slip, habitually neglect you as his wife, argue with you about
parenting, and
sleeping
with someone
else.” She winced, but they needed to be realistic. He loved her, and though
she was hurting him, he didn’t want to see her get hurt. “He’ll do it again,
Becca.”

“You
don’t know that.” Was she serious? How did this guy have such a hold on her?

Facing
her, he gripped her hands and whispered, “I know he isn’t right for you.”

“I’m
thinking about Hunter. What’s right for him?” She pulled her fingers out of his
grip. “I don’t care about me.”

“I care
about you! I care about both of you!”

“What
if moving isn’t what Hunter wants? He’s lived here his entire life, Braydon. He
can’t express his feelings on the matter and I can’t prepare him for such a
change. I don’t know how he’ll react if I take him away from everything he knows.
It’s my job to be his voice when he can’t speak for himself and I’m scared!”

She was
letting her pessimistic fear direct her. “He’ll know new things. What if he’s
happier there?”

“What
if he’s not, Braydon?” There was no fight in her voice, only defeat.

He
paced to the bed and sat, rubbing his temples. “Why are you so afraid to dream
a little bigger, Becca? I want to give you more, but every step forward you run
back to what you know. It won’t harm him to try new things.”

Her
voice was low, a sort of mental depletion weighing on her features. “You think
I don’t know that, Braydon? I want my son to have new experiences. But you’re
missing the point. My job isn’t to show him the whole world. It’s to build a
bridge from our world into his. If I make the wrong decision, he could regress.
They said he wouldn’t speak, and he did. His words are my salvation. I’ve met
children who got upset and locked up their words for years. I’m not afraid of a
temper tantrum. I can handle the minor episodes that eventually pass. But he
could completely shut down if this is too much change for him. I couldn’t
survive that.”

His
heart pinched with speechless sorrow. Perhaps he was minimizing the actuality
of everything she was risking. “I thought…I thought he liked it there.”

“He
did. But we were only there for a visit. The expectation to return home was
always in his mind. Please understand how scary and stressful this is for
me.”
 

His
head drooped low between his shoulders. “My goal was to make your life less
hectic, angel. I never intended to make it worse. We’d have a huge family there
to support us—”

“Your
family. Not ours.”

Her
opposition was wearing him down. “I want them to be your family and Hunter’s
family too.”

“But
Kevin’s his father, Braydon. Hunter deserves to have both his parents in his
life. All the McCulloughs in the world can’t replace his dad. As absent as he’s
been, losing Hunter would devastate Kevin.”

His
shoulders ached with tension, a thick, uncomfortable dread snaking slowly through
his veins. They were going in circles. He could sympathize with everything she
said, except Kevin being the victim of her moving on.

“No one
said moving away removed Kevin from Hunter’s life. He’s a grown man. He has a
car and the ability to visit whenever he wants. I’d never stop him from seeing
Hunter.” It was ridiculous that their plans might actually fail because of a
man that only recently showed an interest in being an active parent.

He
couldn’t accept defeat, not when everything he wanted was right there, minutes
ago, and now slipping through his fingers faster than he could handle. “Christ,
I’ll build a guesthouse for him to stay in if that’s what it takes. Just tell
me what it’ll take and I’ll do it.”

“It’s
going to take time,” she whispered, her eyes bleak behind
a
sheen
of unshed tears.
 
“Right
now, I’m confused and I’m trying to figure out what the right decision is.”

His
chest constricted. “How much time?” The house was almost finished.

“I
don’t know.”

They
sat in silence for several minutes. “I told my job I’m relocating. My office is
going to someone else at the end of the month.”

Her
head shot up, her lips parting in surprise. “I wish you hadn’t done that.”

“Why?
That’s what we talked about.”

“I told
you I needed to talk to Kevin first.”

Yes, to
tell him they were moving. At no point did he expect her to hang up their plans
on his approval. His shoulders rocked with each breath. His heart ached. She
asked for time, but where did that leave them? His lips pressed tight. He
needed to know. “Do you still love him?”

“Braydon,
don’t.”

“Do
you?” Ice wrapped around his heart.

“He’s
the father of my child.”

“Leave
Hunter out of it. Do. You. Still. Love. Him?”

“I…I’ll
always love him.”

A part
of him he couldn’t name—perhaps his soul—seemed to crack in two at her words.
Face tense, he tried to hide how badly her confession wounded him, but his
composure was quickly slipping. Forcing back every emotion threatening to take
over his common sense, he stood. “Right.”

“Braydon,
wait.”

He
couldn’t look at her. “For what, Becca? What the hell is this?” Though he spoke
out of hurt and anger, his voice remained low. He’d lost the last of his fight.
“You’re supposed to move in with me to a house I’ve designed for us, and now
you’re telling me you still love your ex? Where does that leave us?”

“I
don’t know. It isn’t like the love I have for you, but it also isn’t something
I can ignore, because I have to consider my son. We have a history.”

He
laughed coldly as he stared at the floor. “Now you two sound alike.”

“What
do you mean?”

“He
just said the same thing to me in the kitchen.”

“I
don’t think you can understand unless you’ve been married.”

It
wasn’t fair for her to hold his inexperience against him. “I don’t think you
can understand unless you’ve had a good marriage.”

“That’s
not fair.”

“None
of this is fair. And fair or not, it’s the truth, Becca.” He’d never been angry
with her, but he was now.

“You
knew I had a past—”

He
couldn’t listen anymore. Turning to her, he hissed, “You’re divorced! Don’t
make it like I got involved with a woman only separated from her husband,
standing on shaky ground. The night we met those papers were signed and sealed.
He had his chance and
he
ruined it. You’re giving him second chances
before we’ve even had
one!
”

A tear
tripped past her lashes. “It’s not a second chance for me and Kevin. It’s a
second chance for Hunter. I love you, Braydon. But Hunter will always be my
first priority. This isn’t about restoring a relationship between Kevin and me.
It’s about him and Hunter. I wish you would understand that.”

“A
relationship that doesn’t include me.” He shook his head. “He wants you, Becca.
Don’t be naïve.”

“I
can’t control that. I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe this is all temporary,
but taking Hunter away at the first sign of interest his father’s shown in
years doesn’t feel right. I just…need some time.”

He
couldn’t listen any more. He wanted to shake her until she saw sense.
Self-preservation stepped in and he shut his eyes, knowing there would be no
resolution in his favor—at least not on this day. “Well, let me make it easier
on you. How about you call me when you’ve made up your mind and know for
certain what it is
you
want? I’ve been second choice enough times in my
life. It’s about fucking time someone chose me first.”

Taking
two clipped strides to the door, he left, not having the courage to face Hunter
and say goodnight, nor the restraint not to punch Kevin in his smug face.

He
worked hard at not remembering the desolate look his ultimatum put on Becca’s
face. Part of him was so furious he wanted her to suffer, because he wasn’t
sure anyone had ever hurt him so deeply. He loved her, but love didn’t excuse
certain behaviors.

As much
as he admired her day-to-day strength, playing the martyr was a tendency she
needed to address. He was offering her a partnership. He had no interest in
recreating her past. He wanted to give her a different future, but she had to
let go. Until she grasped that, there’d be no progress.

Help
he
could do. Watching the woman he loved paint herself the victim he couldn’t
abide. He
was the lifeline. Kevin was
the old battered raft she’d nearly drowned by. They’d never stay afloat when so
much was tied into her relationship with her ex.

Chapter Fifteen

Standing outside of Braydon’s apartment,
Becca drew in a slow, jagged breath and lifted her hand to knock. She wasn’t
sure if he was home, or if she was making yet another mistake, but she knew she
needed to see him. It had been a week and every minute that passed without him
abraded her heart.

The door opened and Braydon stilled. He
didn’t greet her or even offer a welcoming smile. She deserved his coldness.

“Hi.”

His gaze ran over her features as
though searching for answers she didn’t have. The passing week had been an
awakening, a taste of what may come. Kevin had been actively participating in
their days and Hunter was thriving under the newfound consistency of both
parents being present in his daily life. Yet Becca had never felt so hollow and
alone.

Braydon must have discerned something
in her, because he swallowed and his expression only turned more closed off.
“What are you doing here, Becca?”

What was she doing there? If only she
knew. On the floor behind him were boxes of belongings and stacks of old
newspapers. He was moving ahead, with or without them.

Her face lowered. “I don’t know.”

She wasn’t sure what she expected, but
she couldn’t blame him for leaving, not when she knew, deep down he wanted to
be back home. She’d not given him much of a choice. And no matter how much this
seemed like her own foolish doing, she hadn’t felt like she’d had much choice
either. No matter how much she wanted to go with him, Hunter came first.

Her chest shook as she breathed,
fighting back the deluge of tears and pain that had been beating at her for
days on end. She hadn’t slept. She was unable to concentrate at work. She was
starved for his affection, and the pain of having such an offering removed was
simply too much.

“Have you changed your mind?” he asked.

No, she was as confused as ever. Her
stagnant position of indecision left her in a state of inertia, the world
moving on without her at a pace her life didn’t allow. It was how it had always
been and how it would likely always be. Perhaps letting him go was the most
merciful thing she could do for him, but a selfish part of her wasn’t ready to
say goodbye.

“I still love you.”

His face pinched, his eyes pleading for
more. She couldn’t give him more, but she could try to explain what he meant to
her.

“No one will ever touch me the way you do,
Braydon.” She swallowed. “This hurts. It never hurt like this before. I never
had such a hard time putting everyone else first, because I’ve never wanted
anything as much as I want you. But I can’t have you without taking something
essential away from my son.”

“Stop.” He turned, his head shaking in
a show of denial. When he faced her again his expression was blank.

No one would ever look at her the way
Braydon did. No one would hold her and love her as thoroughly as he. The more
time that passed, the more she sensed him coming to terms with their end, but
she wasn’t quite ready to accept such a fate.

“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have
come here, but I needed to see you.”

Her life ahead would be bleak and
lonely. Though Kevin openly expressed a desire to rekindle parts of their past,
parts not having to do with their son, it was out of the question. Becca would
close off that part of herself, because she had no interest in a meager
imitation of intimacy, not after she’d experienced true closeness with Braydon.

His eyes closed. “Have you changed your
mind, Becca?”

“No,” she whispered, her heart
breaking. She wanted to ask him to wait, to be patient. If Kevin’s presence
faded, she’d be gone. That could still happen, but she had no right to ask
Braydon to put his future on hold.

He sighed. “Do you want to come
inside?”

Surprised, her face tipped up, her gaze
fastening to his as her vision quivered and tears wet her cheeks. “Yes.”

He stepped back and held the door.
Crossing the threshold in a sort of trance, she stepped into his apartment, but
made no move to remove her coat. Afraid to even whisper a word, she stayed
silent. She didn’t want to argue. She just…needed him.

Her fingers traced over the tape
pressed to the seal of a box labeled books. He really was leaving. What would a
life without Braydon be like? Her shoulders shook as she started to cry.

When the weight of his arms pressed
around her, she shattered. From the beginning she’d warned him her life was
complicated and tried to remind herself how dangerous it was to hope. Her
foolish heart hadn’t listened and now it was breaking. Yet she saw no way to
remove the obstacles. Kevin was Hunter’s father and she couldn’t deny him a
day-to-day life with his son because she wanted to run off and fall in love.

“Don’t cry,” he whispered, his lips
pressing to the back of her neck.

Wracked with shame at involving him in
her turmoil, she couldn’t seem to stem the tears. She’d never meant to hurt
him. Every touch was a cruel reminder of what she’d be giving up.

His chest pressed to her back as his
hands slowly crept around her arms, his fingers unbuttoning her coat. He
circled her, as she stood unmoving. His palms cupped her jaw, tilting her face
until she met his gaze. She’d miss looking into those beautiful blue eyes.

“Don’t cry,” he repeated quietly,
kissing away her tears.

Her body trembled as his lips pressed
to her cheeks, her eyes. No one would ever touch her like that again. When his
mouth ghosted over hers, pain unraveled in her chest and she shivered, allowing
reality to cut her deep as her tears passed by like secret whispers of a love
only they knew.

His kiss became firm, coaxing, and her
head tilted, allowing him to take what he sought and surrendering to whatever
he might offer. There was no punishment to his touch, only gentle acceptance.
Perhaps he needed this as much as she did, even though it changed no part of
their reality.

Her coat slid from her shoulders and
whispered to the floor. They were only suspending actuality. Tonight would
change nothing, and perhaps make the inevitable all the more unbearable, but
she didn’t possess the will to tell him no. Nor did she own a desire to stop
him.

His face pressed to her throat and he
breathed in her scent. Fingers skated beneath the hem of her shirt, searching.
Her body leaned into his, stealing his warmth, his strength, balancing on
shared sadness. They held each other. It was a strange sort of acknowledgement,
as they both seemed to accept that this would be the last time.

He lifted her and her limbs wrapped around
him as he carried her to his bed. Ironic that this was where it all began and
this was where it would end. As the mattress pressed into her back, his weight
blanketed her front. Her pants were removed, his mouth marking a trail up her
legs.

Her belly quivered as he kissed her
intimate places she couldn’t imagine sharing with anyone else. Her voice was
vacant, afraid if she spoke she’d beg him to stay. She arched as he pleasured
her, fingers sifting through his curls as she memorized the silken weight of
his hair in her hands.

His lips traveled over her belly and
slowly teased her breasts. He didn’t ask permission and there was no need. She
belonged to him in a way she’d never belonged to another. When he entered her,
the pain in her heart unraveled and seeped from her being in cold tears.

His face pressed to her shoulder as he
slowly made love to her. Deep, deliberate thrusts rocked them as one. There was
no purpose, no objective of pleasure, only a mutual need to be together one
last time.

His body tensed and shivered. Her
fingers traced over his strong back as she trembled, filling her.

“Stay,” he whispered into her shoulder.

Chills coalesced over her skin as she
spoke the truth. This was all they would ever have. “I can’t.”

His forehead pressed heavily into her
shoulder as he sighed, defeated. She hated herself.

He slowly
withdrew,
stealing away parts of herself she didn’t know she could live without. As he
rolled to his side, facing away from her, she silently sobbed. It was as though
he couldn’t bear to watch her leave.

“Braydon…”

He didn’t reply. His broad back was all
she could see as his face remained turned away. Quietly, she forced herself off
the bed and located her clothing. He remained turned away as she silently
dressed. Staring back at him one last time, her fingers trembled to her lips.
She’d hurt him enough and had to go. “You’ll always be in my heart, Braydon.
There’s no amount of time or distance that can diminish my love for you. And
letting you go is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m sorry.”

Lowering her head, she returned to the
living room, picked her coat off the floor and quietly left. There had never
been a more difficult journey than the steps she took away from him.

*
* * *

Braydon had never spent a Christmas
alone. Yet something kept him in the city, not ready to return home empty
handed. As he wandered through the mall, most of the gates pulled shut over the
storefronts, he aimlessly considered what he was doing.

He shouldn’t have let her in when she
came to his apartment the other night, but he lacked the will to tell her to
go. Though it pained him to no end to see she’d not changed her mind and they
were moving on, moving apart, he couldn’t resist the opportunity to hold her
one last time, feel her body around his, wear her scent on his skin.

Becca
had called a few times after that, but eventually he’d stopped answering. Every
conversation was a merry-go-round of unresolved regret, repeating her wavering
words that had ripped out his heart. He loved her and thought she loved him,
but with all of her indecision, it was clear he’d misjudged their relationship.

She was
staying in the city and he was going home. Her last message proved she’d made
no decision and his self-preservation insisted he force some space between
them, no matter how much his heart objected.

To his
understanding, Kevin was not living with her, but he was spending a lot of time
at the house with her and Hunter. He was happy for Hunter, believing the boy
deserved a chance to have an active father. But admitting this did nothing to
curb the agony of loss he was suffering.

Deep
down he knew Kevin had manipulated her, dangling his relationship with Hunter
at her nose, and he knew damn well, she’d never put her needs before her son’s.
Hunter would
always
be her first
priority. That was one of the reasons Braydon loved her. He never expected it
to be the reason he lost her.

“A last
minute trinket for your holiday sweetheart, sir?”

Braydon
stilled, pulling out of his trance as a woman manning a kiosk full of winter
baubles beckoned his attention. He glanced at her wares, seeing various snow
globes, teddy bears, and candles.

Stepping
closer, his attention snagged on a globe with only a park bench on a black
path. The globe filled his palm, weighing heavy in his hand as he tipped it. A
hundred white flakes spun in a small tornado exposing a red heart hidden
amongst the flurries. “How much is this?”

“Ten
dollars, but you can have it for eight.”

He
considered the other items. There was a small globe with a black locomotive
inside. “I’ll take both of these.”

She
carefully bagged up his purchase, wrapping each gift individually in a small
red bag with green checked tissue.
 
There
were wiser things to do than see Becca one last time, but knowing he would be
leaving soon, he couldn’t seem to deny himself the chance. It was Christmas and
she was all he’d hoped for. Perhaps he might find some magic after all.

Braydon
managed the roads slowly as they had started to ice over. When he reached
Becca’s the windows glowed against the dark night. Taking a deep breath, he
gathered his gifts and exited the car.

Approaching
the door, his hand lifted to knock, but stilled. Through the glass he spotted
Hunter. He was laughing. Braydon’s gaze searched for what caused such a
wonderful smile, and he spotted Becca and Kevin sitting beside him on the
floor.

Putting
aside all opinions he held for the other man, he watched the scene for what it
was—a family sharing a Christmas. Though Becca and Kevin were not sitting
close, the three of them formed a sort of whole. Who was Braydon to interfere
with such rare harmony? It was then that he realized
this
was what she was holding on to.

Years
ago, she’d married a man in hopes of having what she’d always wanted—family.
Though Kevin had not been the perfect father or an honorable husband, Becca had
been a good wife and deserved the life she was promised. Hunter had been a
surprise in more ways than one, but she’d adapted, rising to every challenge
and conquering every obstacle along the way.

He’d never
loved anyone the way he loved her, and something about that love, perhaps the
genuine truth of it, gave him pause. No matter what he wanted for himself, he
always hoped she’d be happy. Perhaps loving her meant letting her go.