As Tears Go By (24 page)

He
shook his head. “You’re wrong. You’re in there. You’ve been neglecting yourself
for so long, you can’t recognize the woman I catch glimpses of, the woman I
love.”

They
should have never said those words. “Why are you trying so hard?”

“Why
are you waiting for us to fail?” His shoulders drew up tight. He shook his
head. “I guess I thought trying was what people did when they cared. I’ve never
experienced so much opposition in my life.”

Her
heart turned heavy. “Braydon—”

“Just
stop. You know, I watch you with him. You’d move mountains if it meant making a
minute of his life a little less difficult. Why is it so hard for you to
believe someone would want to do the same for you? You’re
right,
I don’t know the first thing about being a parent or being a parent to a child
with symptoms of autism. But you’re wrong if you think you have the market
cornered on love. The one thing my family taught me, is to do anything for
those you love. I guess I thought we could move more mountains together.”

With
that, he stood, shoved on his jeans, and left through the connecting bathroom.
The door to the neighboring bedroom closed and locked. Shutting her eyes, she
fought the urge to burst into tears.

For
several minutes she stood, trembling. Her body slowly moved to the bathroom,
her mind someplace else. Becca showered, knowing that would do little to change
their circumstances, but needed to anyway so that she could tell herself the
wetness on her cheeks wasn’t tears. As she dried off, she listened at the door
to the other bedroom connected to the adjoining bathroom.

Silence.

She was
having a hard time recalling exactly what she’d said because she was still
quite intoxicated. Everything happened so fast, she’d panicked, spewing her
deepest fears, the ones she never shared.

Shame
knifed through her. How could she have said those things? Her personal opinion
of herself in that moment was very low. Braydon never got angry, but she’d
insulted him and he was definitely upset.

Maybe
she should apologize in the morning. It wasn’t his fault they were careless.
They’d both had too much to drink and got carried away. The only person
responsible for her body was her. Fear gave way to shame as she considered the
degree she’d overreacted.

Kevin
was Hunter’s father and he couldn’t handle their life when he was the man
intended for the job. How was she supposed to expect another man to handle what
Hunter’s actual father couldn’t? Simply put, she was safest facing parenthood
as a solitary job and she was at her limit with the responsibilities she
already needed to handle.

She’d
begged Kevin for more children. After years of his rejection, all his fears
somehow became her own. It wasn’t an easy realization that she and Kevin were
somewhat alike. If her husband of ten years didn’t think she should have more
children, what did Braydon know? They’d only been together for two months.

The
topic of pregnancy was an old wound that had never quite healed. It hurt every
time she picked at it, and over time, she’d found it easier to simply accept
she was better off only ever having one child.

Still,
as she lay in bed alone and thought over the incredible family she was staying
with, the love thrumming through the walls, the affection each sibling shared,
she longed to be a tiny part of all that love. The McCulloughs were no typical
family and the thought that she could be carrying the next McCullough gave her
a reckless sense of happiness.

Sighing,
her hand drifted from her stomach to the covers. She was an idiot. Braydon was
such a nice guy and she’d hurt him. Maybe she was unlovable. Not that she
couldn’t be loved, but rather, she rejected love in order to continue swimming
against the current—alone.

She was
so desolate.
And tired.
Even when she was married to
Kevin she’d been swimming alone. Dragging someone against the current with her
was simply exhausting.

* * * *

Braydon
awoke in Colin’s bed to the smell of poop. Scrunching his nose he turned and
found his nephew, Liam, smiling at him as Colin changed his diaper on the bed
beside his head.

“Jesus,
Colin, did you have to do that five inches from my face?”

“You’re
in my room.”

“That’s
no excuse.”

“Hi,
Unca Bray!”

“Hi,
Liam. Shouldn’t you be potty trained by now?”

“He
doesn’t like to poop on the potty.”

Bray
raised an eyebrow. “You’d rather sit in it?”

“I
can’t want that,” Liam said.

“Can’t
want what, poop in your diaper?”

“I
can’t want that,” his nephew repeated.

“Okay,
buddy, you’re all set. Go see what your mom’s doing.”

Liam
toddled out of the room and Colin faced him after wiping his hands down with a
wet nap. “So why are you in here?”

“Becca
and I had a fight.”

“I
figured. The friend, Carla I think, said they might be leaving today.”

He sat
up. “What? No they’re not.”

“That’s
what she said when I talked to her.”

“When
did you see her?”

“She
was having coffee on the porch. She doesn’t seem like quite the morning person,
so maybe she was just grumbling while the caffeine kicked in.”

“Shit.”

“What
did you fight about?”

Scrubbing
his hands over his face he groaned. “I don’t even know. We were having a great
time and then I blurted out something stupid without thinking. The next thing I
know, we’re having an argument about why she doesn’t want children.”

Colin’s
brows shot up. “How do you feel about that?”

“I
don’t know. Since when do you have to decide that when you’re only dating
someone?”

“Probably
around the same time you realize you can’t imagine your future without that
someone.”

He
hated asking questions about the time his brother betrayed him, but his
curiosity got the better of him. “Did you know that you wanted children when
you and Samantha…”

“We’re
different. When Sammy and I…you know…I wasn’t clear on anything I wanted. I
thought I still wanted to join the priesthood, but then I couldn’t do that
either. I couldn’t picture my life without her.”

“But
you decided to marry her after you found out about Lula.”

“No, I
decided to marry her the moment I watched her leave. I just didn’t know how to
go about fixing the mess that was suddenly my life. Tallulah was a bonus.”

“Maybe
we should go home and cool off. She was so pissed off last night. She wasn’t
listening to reason.”

“Bray,
no woman’s ever rational when they’re in love. There’s a lot of emotion and
things way above our heads going on in theirs. I can tell you one thing though,
from experience.”

“What’s
that?”

“Don’t
be the idiot I was. Don’t let her leave.”

“What
if she wants to go and I can’t stop her?”

“Make
her want to stay.” Colin stood and grabbed the wrapped up diaper off the
dresser. “Good luck, man.”

Braydon
lay in bed a while after his brother left. The house sounded busy downstairs
and he was reluctant to join the others without first talking to Becca.

He
washed up in the bathroom and knocked on the door leading to his room. “Becca?”

“Come
in.”

He
pressed into his room and stilled at the sight of her refolding the clothes in
her suitcase. “What are you doing?”

Her
shoulders lowered and she visibly deflated. “I don’t know.”

“Can we
talk?”

She
huffed. “Sure.”

She wouldn’t
meet his eyes. He approached the bed and took the shirt she was folding out of
her hands and placed it on the suitcase. “I’m sorry about last night. I
should’ve remembered to use a condom and I had no right interrogating you about
having children.”

“I may
have overreacted,” she said quietly. “I have some unresolved issues I need to
work out. It wasn’t your fault I got so upset.”

“If
you’re thinking of leaving, please don’t. I want you to stay.”

She
sighed and sat beside him on the bed. “Braydon, I think we want different
things in life.”

His
eyes closed. What was it with this place? Every time he brought a girl home
they broke up with him. He glanced to the exact place Samantha had been
standing when she’d said almost those same words. “I don’t want to break up.”

“Neither
do I, but what happens in a few years when you want to start a family and I
can’t give you one? I’m not even sure if I want to get married again. Marriage
is hard and I’m tired.”

“You’re
always tired.” Her head jerked back. Shit, he attempted to retract his words,
but it was too late. “Becca, I—”

“I’m
always
tired
for good reason, Braydon. Look, I don’t want to fight. I barely slept
last night, I miss my son, and I don’t have the answers you’re looking for.”

“I’m
not looking for answers. I’m just looking for you.”

Purple
crests marked the delicate skin under her tired eyes. “You deserve more than I
can offer.”

“What
about all the things you deserve, Becca?”

“That’s…
I’m okay with my simple life.”

“No,
you’re not.”

Her
lashes flickered as she blinked back tears. “I can handle the way things were.
I don’t know if I can handle this.”

“What
about us? Can
we
handle this?”

“What
happens when we return to Pittsburgh? We’re moving so fast.”

“Why do
we have to predict everything, Becca? Has assuming the future ever solved
anything for you?”

Her
lips tightened and she frowned. “No.”

“Then
stop trying to guess what happens next. Let life take its course and, for once,
enjoy the surprises it brings.” That was good advice for him as well.

“I’ve
never been good at that,” she quietly admitted. “The last surprise I got was my
husband screwing my neighbor. I didn’t take that too well.”

He
pinched her chin and turned her face until her gaze met his. “You have to let
go. We’re only human, we can’t control everything.”

“I
never wanted control.”

“Then
let others help you when they offer to take some of the weight off your
shoulders. I don’t offer things unless I intend to follow through. When I said
I’d be there, I meant it.”

She
drew in a deep breath and, startlingly, he saw something shift in her entire
disposition. Her face crumbled as she started to cry. “I’m so scared.”

“Hey,
it’s okay.” He pulled her into his arms and held her tight. “Talk to me.”

Her
head shook as she sniffled. “I don’t know how to trust people. It’s like I’ve
lost all faith in mankind—including myself.”

He
didn’t mean to chuckle, but she sounded so hopeless. “That’s not true.”

“Yes,
it is. I’ve become so paranoid, I’m skeptical of everyone I meet. People can be
so mean. I hate taking Hunter anywhere, because I can’t trust others to be
decent. They stare and talk without thinking. It’s like they don’t think he can
hear or process their nasty comments, but he can. Hunter’s more sensitive than
half the people in this world put together. I just don’t want to see him hurt,
but maybe I’m hurting him by sheltering him too much.”

“Mean
people suck,” he said, holding her close. “But not everyone’s mean, Becca.”

“There’s
a shortage of goodhearted people. That’s what life’s shown me. Then I come here
and meet your family, and I have no point of comparison for such genuine
acceptance. I’ve never seen anything like it and it terrifies me.”

“Why?”

“I
don’t know. Your parents raised seven children. Their love is palpable, the way
it’s supposed to be. Why couldn’t Kevin love us like that?”

Taking
a slow breath, he drew back. He could talk about this. It was all part of
Becca. But it was also a very difficult topic. “Becca, sometimes people grow
apart. Don’t be one of those people that waste their lives chasing after
someone that doesn’t appreciate them.”

She
sniffled. “All I ever wanted was a marriage and family.”

“There’s
still time for that.”

Her
lashes lowered as her shoulders drooped. “I don’t know why I can’t let go. I’m
aware my marriage is over, but something inside of me can’t accept that I
failed.” Pressing her lips tight, she whispered, “I failed my son.”

He took
her fingers in his hand and squeezed. “No, Becca. Kevin failed.”

“But
Hunter paid the price. We decided to have a child and to me that decision came
without conditions. Hunter deserves the family he was meant to have, but I
can’t give that to him. No matter who did what, somehow we both failed.”