Ashes of the Stars (6 page)

“And then,” Finn took a deep, shuddering breath. “She attacked me. Said that if I was going to kill her, I should just get it over with. She wouldn’t stop attacking me, but she didn’t have the strength to really hit or scratch very hard. I took her to my mom because she’s a medic and she knocked her out with some drugs. She tended to her wounds for a few days, kept her unconscious, and then she told me to pack a bag and leave. She said it would mean death for Aili if she stayed, and if she left and I stayed, they’d kill me because they would know that I helped her go.”

I stayed silent as Finn told his story, her story, and even when he was finished I didn’t know what to say. I had known that she would break under the pressure, that she would need somewhere to go, but I hadn’t expected it would come like this. After silence for too long, Finn looked over his shoulder and asked, “How soon can you be packed up?”

“Five minutes,” I answered. “Start walking if you want, I’ll catch up.”

“Yes, thank you,” He nodded once. He didn’t take her back out of the sleeping bag. He just picked her up in his arms like a doll and made his escape through the door. I knew what he was afraid of, it was the same thing I had been when I’d made my escape from the Legion. I wanted to put as much distance between myself and the city as possible in hopes that they wouldn’t go so far to find me.

I quickly packed up my belongings and shoveled heavy snow over the makeshift fire pit. Once I had my gear safely on my back, I took off running to try to catch up. I had been tired, and if Finn hadn’t shown up, I probably would’ve drifted to sleep soon. As it was, now I was wide awake. I jogged for longer than five minutes, almost ten, before I finally caught up to him. He was walking briskly, taking massive strides.

“How quickly can we be there without an entire Legionnaire team following and needing to stop for lunch and dinner and sleep?” Finn asked me, glancing down worriedly at Aili’s hidden form.

“Four days,” I answered. “Out of the cold in two if we only stop when absolutely necessary.”

Finn nodded his consent and we kept moving on silently. I had a million questions running through my head but I didn’t want to disturb Finn. He seemed to be trapped in a faraway place, concentrating. He was probably berating himself for not making her life easier, for letting things get this far with her. I knew I would be and I was.

“Do you have any medicine to keep her asleep?” I finally asked. It would be difficult to get her to camp and to the medics’ attention if she was fighting us.

“Yes. I’m supposed to give her a shot every morning around sunrise,” Finn answered.

“I’ll do what I can to help,” I said in an attempt to comfort him. Comfort wasn’t my strong suit but Finn seemed to appreciate it regardless.

“Is he really her brother? Have you really been looking for her for a decade?” Finn asked me.

“Yes,” I said, staring straight ahead.

“I thought so,” Finn nodded once. He immediately accepted the truth, why couldn’t she?

We walked on in silence after that, both of us lost in thoughts of our life spent centered around Aili.

We stopped every morning to give Aili her shot and we stopped for a few hours each day to eat without tasting the food and, even less often to sleep. Aili didn’t stir, she slept on soundlessly despite the near constant motion. It was unnerving to see. I concentrated on getting her back to camp and tried to ignore thoughts of Kieran. He would hate me for this just the same. His sister was destroyed now, suffering a fate far worse than death. She was locked inside of her head, haunted by ghosts who would never let her feel peace.

I helped Finn carry her. She was as tiny as she looked and she weighed next to nothing. I tried not to look at her bruised and scratched eyelids when I did carry her because it made my heart feel as if it were breaking. It enraged me that the Legion could get away with destroying people’s souls. There was just something about this girl, like my heart and soul knew her, that made me feel like my fate was linked with hers. It drove me crazy trying to think about it and trying not to think about it at the same time.

I was spot on when I estimated four days to reach the camp. When we arrived it was midday and most people were taking their breaks for lunch. Finn and I hadn’t bothered changing out of our winter clothing when we left the ice lands except to take off our masks and discard our jackets. We did free Aili from my sleeping bag, her jacket, and her mask. When I saw what she’d done to her face, I felt like crying. She’d scratched her nails all the way down her face, had nearly bitten through her bottom lip, there were random bruises covering the right side of her face that made no sense. None of it made any sense.

When we did get back into camp, Finn was carrying her, and I called for a medic. It was Tali that got to us first, though Kieran was quick to follow his wife.

“What happened to her?” Tali asked, steering Finn away from the approaching crowd. She was leading him down a path, and I desperately wanted to follow, but I knew Kieran needed an update.

“Let’s go somewhere more private,” Kieran told me. I nodded and followed him with slumped shoulders and weak eyes away from the crowd. He was silent all the way down the path to my house where he continued to lead the way, climbing up the ladder. I wasn’t sure that I had the energy to climb up but I knew I needed to. I took each rung very, very slowly. I felt the burn and ache of my muscles as they protested the movement. I needed sleep very desperately.

“What’s going on?” Kieran asked as soon as I reached the top. I dropped my pack on the floor with a heavy thud and went immediately to my dresser.

“She had a breakdown,” I answered. My words were slurred with exhaustion.

“That’s specific,” Kieran said and I could almost hear his eyes rolling in his head.

“Look,” I turned around abruptly and glared at him. “We pretty much haven’t slept in days to make sure we could get her back here as quickly as possible. I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to tell you all the gory details immediately upon arrival.”

Kieran looked taken aback for a short moment and then he looked like he was upset with himself. He shook his head. “I’m sorry. Do you think she’s going to be okay?”

“No,” I answered honestly. I couldn’t hold back the truth now. “But for everyone’s sake, I hope that Tali can make it tolerable at the very least.”

“It’s that bad?” Kieran sounded as if he was losing the most important person in his life and didn’t know how to process that fact. Maybe he was. Maybe his long lost sister was more important in his mind and heart than his wife or even his best friend. “Go see her, man. Go see if Finn can tell you more. I am no good to anyone at all until I get caught up on some sleep,” I shook my head. I’d taken off my shirt and my pants, leaving nothing but my boxer shorts on and that was fine by me. I would sleep in those.

“Thank you, Kai.” His tone sounded so revered for a minute that I couldn’t help but wonder if he was confused about his sister’s savior after all. I hadn’t done anything except escort her real hero here with her. And when, or if, she ever woke up, I’d get to see her prance around my home with her boyfriend/fiancée/husband/love of her life for the rest of
my
life. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or maybe I really was as petty and jealous as I sometimes thought I could be. I knew there were no sides between Finn and I, except in my own mind, but I was grateful that it seemed Kieran was still on mine. I just hoped that one day Aili would come to my side too.

Chapter Six

When I finally woke up I could tell that I’d been sleeping for a long time. I could tell in the stiffness of my muscles that once I had laid down I’d barely moved again. My bones felt like they were sticky with tar at the joints and stretching out across my bed caused pain to throb through my muscles and shoot throughout my body. My lower back ached and made me feel like an old man.

After I stretched, I folded my hands behind my head and closed my eyes again. I had slept so long but I still felt so exhausted. A moment later, as I was taking a deep breath, what’d happened with Aili and Finn came crashing back in. The trip back to my past, following her home, waiting and hoping for an opportunity to present itself to sneak in and find her, Finn’s escape with her, and her mental breakdown. My eyes snapped open and I stared up at the ceiling. I was almost numb with shock as I tried to process all that had happened. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to rush down to see her. I knew it was probably a bad idea but I had to see her.

As I threw on a pair of fresh cargo shorts and a random t-shirt, I wondered whether she would be asleep or awake. Would she look like the ragdoll she had been? Had Tali been able to help her? Just how long had I been out for?

I didn’t bother stepping on the ladder rungs as I fled my treehouse. I gripped the edges and let gravity pull me to the ground. My feet hit with jarring force, but I ignored it and took off at a sprint towards the medical huts. People were out, wandering around. It was getting dark out, or maybe light? Was it early morning or turning into nighttime? People stared at me although someone running around camp wasn’t unusual. They probably all knew what had happened. I didn’t care.

When I reached the medical huts, I was glad I didn’t have to look into each one. There was a small group of people standing outside of one: Finn, Whitestrand and his little boy Pio, Kieran, and Tali. They looked up sharply as I approached, my breath coming out heavy and fast through my parted lips.

“Hey,” I gasped, bending over and gripping my legs just over my knees. My lungs ached and burned from the sudden force of motion.

“Looks who’s finally up,” Tali said, her eyes sweeping over me once. She was a beautiful woman, had always been. She had golden hair like Kieran, but hers was darker with some light brown in it. Her eyes twinkled the color of a dark blue sky, her features were small and dainty, and she had a vivid red scar that snaked along her jawline that made her look meaner than she could ever even think about being. She had the kindest heart of anyone I’d ever met, and she and Kieran had fallen in love immediately. She was family too.

“How is she?” I gasped, still trying to catch my breath.

“She’s… well…” Tali tried speaking but couldn’t find the words. She looked around the small group as if to try to find support or someone to speak for her. No one seemed to know what adjective to use to describe Aili’s state of being.

“She’s not…” I let my question trail off as I stood up straight. My eyes were wide with the fear of the rest of the question I was petrified to ask.

Finn shook his head. “She’s not, but it’d probably be easier if you saw.”

He nodded his head towards the door and I followed him inside the small hut. It was warmer inside and dark with only a small candle flickering on the table in a corner. There were piles of medical equipment left out in the open, some clearly used and others still sealed up. Beside the empty bed there was a small tub full of bloodied water, and on the small nightstand was a jug of water, an untouched cup, and a bowl of untouched food. At first I couldn’t find her in the small room but then my eyes caught a tiny being sitting perfectly still in a chair between the wall and the bed. She sat with her back mostly straight, her shoulders slumped forward. Her hands rested loosely in her lap and they were bandaged so thickly they looked like she wore three pairs of mittens.

“Aili?” I whispered, moving further into the room. She didn’t move, didn’t react in anyway. Her empty eyes stayed locked on the wall directly across from her. There was no flicker of light in them to give me any indication that she heard me. My heartbeat was the loudest thing in the room, echoing in my eardrums. I felt afraid for her and for everyone else who cared about her. She was awake but she wasn’t here.

After I recovered slightly from the shock, I took the few steps to sit on the bed directly across from her. I was in her line of sight but her eyes didn’t move at all. She just stared, her eyes gazing through my chest to the wall on the other side.

“Aili,” I said softly. I brought my hand up and brushed her hair back from her face. She didn’t react.

“Tali woke her up last night and has been trying everything to get her to react to anything. I had to put her in the chair and she won’t move, won’t even look at anyone,” Finn told me as if she wasn’t there.

“Can I have a moment please?” I turned my head as if to look over my shoulder though I didn’t look at him. I knew it was wrong to ask a man for alone time with his significant other, but I wanted to talk to her without an audience.

After a silent moment, which was probably only a few seconds, I heard Finn’s soft but somehow still heavy footfalls on the wooden floor as he left. I took a deep breath and then turned my head back to look at Aili.

“I know,” I whispered to her without hesitation. I stared at her hands in her lap, wondering what they looked like beneath the white gauze. “I know what it’s like. You do your job, you take away the lives of people who would take yours the first chance they get. Kill or be killed, that’s what they taught you. So they send you out to fight their war and you get the biggest prize of all: a war inside of yourself.”

I sat silently for a long minute, thinking about the war I’d fought inside of myself when I was with the Legion and then the war I’d fought with myself every day since I’d saved Kieran. This woman was the Reaper, though, so what could I know of her heart?

“I know I’m just a stranger to you, so who am I to be telling you I know anything? I do know this one thing. You have a home here. Not a job, not a war, a
home.
I’m sure you’re not ready to talk. The rest of them want you to, they want to know what’s happened to you and what they can do to help. I want to know those things too, but I will not ask you to tell me. I won’t force you to talk. I can just be here… I looked for you so long, Aili. I’m not giving up now,” I whispered to her.

I took one of her limp, bandaged hands as carefully as I could in mine. I folded my free hand on top of hers and stared at it. I fought back my fear that she would never pull out of this. For only the second time in my life, I was afraid to have hope so I tried to bury all of that light; I tried to cover up the hope with doubt and reality instead. In this world, when you fell apart, you didn’t often get put back together.

“I promise you, Aili, I will not tell anyone. I will keep it to myself even though they would hate me for it if they knew. I will never try to force another speech on you again or ask you to respond in any way ever again.
Please,
blink once if you understand me so I know you’re still in there,” I pleaded with her, warring internally with hope. She was like a ghost. She sat still, her shoulders barely rising and falling with small, even breaths. I stared at her intently and just when I was about to give up on my request, slowly, her eyes closed. She opened her eyes again and I saw a flash of recognition in them before they glossed over and she returned to staring through me.

“Thank you,” I whispered, pressing my lips to the back of her bandaged hand. I couldn’t hold back the joy I felt, the hope that refused to be buried now, and I wanted to pick her up and dance her around the room. She was still with us! She could still be saved, my promise could still be kept! And just like that, I reigned my joy back in because I had promised
her
that I would tell no one. I would do whatever it took to keep that promise to her just the same as my promise to her brother.

Aili

Things came and went in quick flashes. I remembered being on my hands and knees, trying to clean up puddles of blood. I remembered needing to get more cloth, so I’d gone to my bedroom to rip the blankets off of my bed and I’d caught sight of myself in my mirror. Bones filled this room too; I could hear the crunch of them beneath my feet as I moved closer to the mirror. Blood streamed from my eyes like tears, the whites were bloodshot. My clothes were covered in the same blood I’d been trying to clean up. I screamed and cried as I shattered my mirror.

I remembered that but not much else. I couldn’t remember seeing anyone, I didn’t remember losing consciousness. Then I woke up in a strange,
almost
unfamiliar place. There was a strange wooden ceiling above me I vaguely recognized and the heat here was suffocating. An unfamiliar voice hummed a lullaby somewhere near me. I could tell I was in a small room and that the humming came from a woman, probably young because there was no weakness in her tone.

I didn’t want to look away from the ceiling. I didn’t want to see anyone else. It was probably another ghost of a soul that I’d ruined. I was probably in Hell. It sure felt like Hell, it was so hot. Then again, someone named Dante had claimed that the deepest pits of it were frozen. Maybe he knew something about the Hell I’d lived in.

The woman, when she came into my line of sight, was as unfamiliar to me as I’d expected. She had long, golden hair and night sky eyes. She had an angry scar on her face but I still saw nothing but kindness in her eyes. Maybe she didn’t know who I was. Somehow I’d gotten free of the Legion, I knew that much. There was no real sense of relief though; I couldn’t escape myself.

Finn, Whitestrand, and the man who was supposedly my brother, Kieran, showed up to talk to me, to try to pull me out of my trance but my mouth wouldn’t open. I didn’t want it to, anyway. My lips felt like they were sewn shut and my tongue had been glued to the roof of my mouth. That was fine by me; I had nothing to say. I was evil, wrong, a blight on this world. I deserved to die. They moved me from the bed and I let them, let my body be as limp as possible.

They wanted something from me that I couldn’t give them. The only person I saw in my line of sight with the kind of expression that mocked my inner feelings was Kieran. The muscles in his face were smooth but his eyes shimmered with a deep loathing for me. It was only a shade of what I felt inside.

What
had
I done? I had killed so many people, their lives cut short but my swords. These people knew that but they were trying to save me. It was a waste of time. I wanted to feel pain as my life force ebbed away. I deserved to die. Then again, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I deserved to live with ghosts haunting me for all of my days. Maybe I deserved the pain.

Time continued to move in short bursts for me. One moment there was someone in front of me talking and the next I was alone, staring at the wall. The wall, so empty of any decoration. I could see the bed in front of me, a nightstand on the opposite side, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the wall. Let this be my prison. Let my eyes see nothing but the evil that I had created and this wall.

And then
he
showed up in all of his beautiful glory. I didn’t want to see him, why was he here? He was saying something. He was touching me. He held pain in his eyes and fear and something else I couldn’t place. I didn’t want to hear his words of comfort that I could never deserve in a million years. Was he saying he understood what I was going through? He had never done what I had done.

“I promise… won’t tell anyone,” His soft, musical voice pleaded with me, “Blink once if you can understand me… Know you’re still in there.”

Should I? Should I let someone know that part of me, the human parts, could still grasp this universal language? Should I tell
him
of all people? He made my heart sing and I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t want to look at him, I didn’t want to see the pity. What was it that he had said? He wouldn’t force me to talk or give me anymore speeches.
That
was what I wanted. I wanted someone to leave me alone because I didn’t deserve promising words of hope, of freedom. I could never earn forgiveness from anyone, much less myself, for what I had done. What had I done?

Slowly I let my eyes drift closed. It took a lot of effort. The part of me that wanted peace from war fought against the part of me that knew I didn’t deserve any. For this strange man who somehow knew me better than anyone else ever had or could, I blinked. When I opened my eyes, I saw the room with renewed clarity. It was brighter, the air less hazy, even just for a quick moment. I let my eyes meet his for only a brief moment and I saw joy and hope explode out of the places he’d tried to bury it in.

I shouldn’t have given in, I knew that then. I should have kept my silence, should have stared blankly, wanting to see the wood of the wall past his chest. No one should ever have joy or hope for or because of me. I let my mind wander back to the most recent people I had killed to try to forget about evil I had just done to this man. I remembered the way my catlike reflexes had snapped and flowed as my blade sapped the life away from the couple and that child. That poor child who had pleaded with me to let him go.

“She’s just not improving,” I heard the unfamiliar, golden woman say softly. It was as if she was afraid I might hear her. I pulled myself back to the present and could see her out of the corner of my eye, but I didn’t look. I didn’t let any light in.