Ashes of the Stars (15 page)

I was in the same spot in the same small town. There was a little girl in a rain coat, dancing around the town and kicking at the rain puddles. I looked at her by herself out there. She was so happy just existing. I watched her in envy, knowing that it was me. I was older now in the memory, taller and not quite as chubby.

I watched as the seasons changed around me and Kieran and I grew up, walking around our little town. I met young Whitestrand, who didn’t yet have his white lock of hair. He spent a lot of time with Kieran and I. Sometimes he and Kieran ran around pretending to be in a war and I tried not to see the irony of that, and sometimes he picked me up and danced me around the little town.

How much fucking longer?

The echoing voice was like a boom of thunder this time. I snapped my head around and as if my world were broken in two, I could see the medical hut sitting right in the middle of that ghost town. I stepped back towards it, almost as if I were standing in the doorway. Kai’s hand was in mine, his face close to mine like he had just kissed my cheek. Tali paced on the other side of my bed, chewing on her fingernails.

I don’t know
, she echoed back at him.

Bring her back. It’s been too long. Tali, you bring her back
now
.
His voice was so deeply pained it caused a phantom ache in my ghost chest.

I can’t.
Tali’s voice was low, distracted. She was as worried as him, I could tell. Was I doing something wrong? Should it not be like this? How long had it been? I hadn’t seen much of my life, I was not yet four in this phantom world.

Please.
Kai cried out. He put his forehead against my temple, arching his right arm over my head and holding my head against his. I could feel him shaking.

Take a break, guys. I got this.
Whitestrand walked right through the ghost version of me and into the room.

No.
Kai protested. His voice was loud in my ear, but here it echoed all around me like it came down from the sky.

You’ve been in here for two days. Go take a break, I’m not asking.
Whitestrand told them both. I felt colder when Kai left.

I couldn’t pay attention to this anymore. I turned away from the medical hut and back to my memories. The world was on fire now, there was screaming and crying. I looked around, panicked, scared for these people. Legionnaires stormed through the small, peaceful town. There was blood everywhere. I had seen this before. I walked around, looking for my tiny body. How old was I? Maybe five.

I found my family in their house. I walked straight through the door like it wasn’t there at all. There was a big, round table in one room, some furniture for sitting in another room, a washroom, and two small bedrooms. My mom and dad were running around frantically. They had weapons in their hands and they were ready to fight. I found myself huddled, sobbing quietly, terrified, under a kitchen table. I had my knees pulled up to my chest. I almost didn’t see the little boy, my brother. He must have been eleven. He was tall and lanky looking. His eyes were pained and scared. He had one arm around my shoulders, keeping me tucked under the table, and the other hand was covering my mouth. He was trying to quiet me.

“You run with her and you don’t look back, do you hear me?” My mom had ducked under the table. She spoke to my brother.

“Yes, ma’am,” My brother nodded, his voice shaky but his words undoubtedly sincere.

“You take care of each other,” She told us. “I love you both with all my heart.”

And then they did come in. My parents put up a fight, but in the end, they lost. The Legionnaires didn’t look under the table. I could see my mother from both of my vantage points. She laid on her back, her neck at an awkward angle. She had looked under the table just before her eyes went glassy with lifelessness.

“We have to go,” My brother urged me, his voice was trembling. He was upset, but now he had to be the strong one. He pulled me forcefully from under the table. The blood that had pooled across the kitchen floor got on our clothes as we scrambled away from our hiding place. He gripped my hand tightly and though it hurt I didn’t argue as he pulled me through the house. I saw darkness, felt myself crawling in the memory, and then we were free and running, scared and alone.

It hadn’t been long since war hit my small hometown. My eyes looked more distant and red. We were sitting by a small pond, Kieran was washing his shirt. I was sitting cross-legged on the ground pouting.

“I wanna go home,” I told him in a dour tone.

“You
can’t
go home, I’ve told you that,” Kieran said impatiently to me.

“I want Mommy and Daddy,” I cried out.

“They’re gone!” Kieran snapped at me. I could see the startled look on my little face and then it crumpled and I started wailing.

“I’m sorry, Aili,” Kieran abandoned his shirt and knelt down beside me. He patted my back. “We are all each other has left. We have to be strong and brave now, that’s the only way we’ll get through this. We can do it, together, okay? Do you trust me?”

“Uh huh,” I sniffled.

“I’ll take care of you forever,” Kieran promised me.

Ghost ‘me’ tried not to wince at the broken promise. He was too young to make such a promise to me and we were foolish. I could tell by the way the two children roamed freely, not trying very hard to stay out of sight, that we would eventually be found.

Aili, baby. Please, if you can hear me, listen to me.

I couldn’t help myself. My heart was pulled back to him. I saw the medical hut and I stood at the opposite side of my bed. He was sitting in a chair by my side, his hand tight in mine. The bandages on my hands were fresh and thinner than they were when I went to sleep. Kai was hunched over, he looked older than he was in that moment. His eyes were red and swollen. His pain was so raw that I could feel it piercing through the veil I was behind and it took my breath away. I could see my chest hitch in my corporeal body in the bed. He didn’t seem to notice.

I know how easy it is to get lost. I know I’ve told you ‘I know how it is’ so many times, I’m sure you don’t believe me. But I
need
you. I feel lost. I need you to tell me what to do. There are things… Things have happened since you’ve been gone. You can’t let the memories take you over. Everyone is scared. It’s been a week, baby. I’m scared. Come back to me.

But I couldn’t. I didn’t know how. I didn’t feel
done
here. I walked around the bed and sat down on the edge of it, careful not to touch my body in case it took me out of this dream world. I knew he couldn’t see or feel me but I tried to brush his messy hair away from his face anyway. He hadn’t bothered pulling it back; it hung like a curtain around his face. He was shaking from sobbing. My fingers could feel his hair like the ethereal version of me was wearing thick gloves. His hair didn’t bend to my will and tuck away behind his ear.

“I love you. I’m not lost, I’m sorry it’s taking me so long. I will come back to you, I promise,” I told him. He shuddered and I hoped it was because he could sense me. I knew he didn’t actually hear me or feel me.

I left the hut again, expecting to be back in a memory but this wasn't a real memory. This was a dream. I was held down, watching my body up on the platform. I looked worse than I felt in the dream. My body was completely ravaged. My skin was gone from my back, my muscles shredded. I watched as one of the Commanders beat me senseless. The crowd they had assembled to watch winced at each crack of the whip. I couldn’t see it before, but they were all angry. Their eyes betrayed their rage. Some tried hard to hold back tears. These were the ones that looked like they were personally being beaten.

I willed myself to be with Kai in this ‘fake’ world, and then I was at his side. There was a huge group of men from the camp. They were all watching. Whitestrand, Kieran, and some man I didn’t know were holding Kai down in the snow and he was thrashing against them, his feet trying to find purchase on the slippery ground but only kicking the snow around. His eyes were wild with rage and pain, red and swollen again.

“We’re too late,” I heard Whitestrand whisper sadly. That caused Kai to react even more violently than he had been. I could see the moment they gave him enough slack to look up at me and I knew then that I was dead in this dream. I closed my eyes and exhaled, and when I opened them again I was under a starry sky.

It was not the same field my recurring memory-dream happened in. I was sitting up on my sleeping bag. I was almost the same age as my recurring dream, but this was not the same. Kieran was sitting up on his sleeping bag too and he was tying something together with expert fingers.

“What happens to us when we die, Kier?” I asked him. He stopped what he was doing and looked up at the sky.

“Well, Mom used to say we became a star in the night sky, and Dad said we became part of the Earth again. Your guess is as good as mine,” He responded before he returned to whatever he was doing.

“Do you think they’re happy wherever they are?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah, I do,” Kieran turned his head like he was glancing over his shoulder at me, but he never took his eyes off of his hands.

“I’m sorry you have to take care of me,” I put my chin down on my knees, watching him.

He stopped what he was doing finally and turned around to look at me. He smiled a little and shook his head. “I would do anything in the world for you. And when you’re old enough and start talking to boys, I’m going to scare them all away from you.”

“Okay,” I grinned back at him. I let my smile fall away. “Do you miss having a real home?”

“Yes,” He answered so seriously and quickly I knew he thought about it a lot.

“It’s too bad nowhere is safe. You know, I’ve been thinking…” I told him.

“You have?” He asked, feigning shock. “Wow, color me surprised.”

“Ha-ha,” I rolled my eyes at him. “Anyway. If there was a place that didn’t care about the world, that only cared about staying alive… I don’t know, maybe something like the Legion
and
the Clash. Somewhere in the middle that is safe for everyone. Then we could have a home again.”

“Keep dreaming, kiddo,” He smiled at me. The phantom me could see that my words had struck a chord in my brother. The memory me got irritated and crawled into her sleeping bag, ready to ignore Kieran if not sleep. I could see Kieran smile sweetly at his little sister and then go back to whatever he was doing before.

I’d heard people say before ‘if I knew now what I knew then…’ and I always wondered if I would have a moment like that. That was the moment, in this ghostly body, that reconnected the present camp, Kieran telling me that it had been my idea from the start, and my memory of that idea. It was the most surreal moment I could imagine. I knew it was, finally, time to go home.

Chapter Fifteen

I opened my eyes slowly. I cracked them open at first and then let them slide all the way open when I realized it was dark outside. My body was stiff from not moving. I knew it was a week since the last time Kai pulled me out of my memories and back to my body. I didn’t know how many days had passed since then. It felt strange to be back in my body. My body felt heavier, my movements actually requiring concentration.

I could feel Kai’s hand loose in mine and I turned my head carefully because sleeping for so long had made my neck stiff too. His head was leaning back against the wall and his eyes were closed, but I could still see that they were swollen. He looked peaceful in sleep and I didn’t want to disturb him until I remembered that he had been consumed with pain and fear since I went to sleep. It took some serious effort to sit up and when I did manage to get upright, I swayed with dizziness. I felt weak.

My movement didn’t wake Kai up so I took my hand out of his and did what I’d tried to do in my ghost form; I brushed his hair back. This time it pushed behind his ear and as I pulled my hand back away from his hair, I swept my knuckles along his jaw. He jumped, startled and looked right at me before he understood that I was finally awake.

“Thank God,” He whispered. He launched himself off of the chair and pulled me into a hug so tight that I could barely breathe. It hurt but I didn’t protest. I just hugged him back as tightly as I could.

“I’m sorry I scared you so much,” I whispered into his hair.

“It’s okay. It’s okay now. You’re back,” He said, shaking against me.

“That’s right, it’s okay. And I’m okay,” I told him. I knew he wouldn’t ask but he needed to know that I wasn’t falling apart. I felt more whole than I ever had before. I could see the path that led me to the one I ended up on with the Legion. I could see, through my memories, that I was a scared little girl and I needed a home. When they took away my brother and my memories, it was easy to fall into what they wanted me to be. I could see it all so clearly now.

“Did you get it all back?” Kai asked me, pulling back but unwilling to have his hands off of me. He cradled his palms against my cheeks; I had learned it was a sort of trademark thing for us. He brushed his thumb back and forth over my cheeks.

“I did,” I told him. “I feel… better. I don’t know, I can’t explain it.”

“Thank God,” He muttered again. He kissed me desperately for what felt a long time and I kissed him back, craving an overdose of him. His pain stuck with me.

“Oh. Okay, gross,” I heard someone say from the doorway. Kai and I broke apart quickly and I saw Tali standing in the doorway, her hands out in front of her as if to shield her eyesight.

“We were just
kissing
,” I laughed at her, shaking my head.

“I’m married. I know kissing leads to other things,” She shook her head but dropped her hands and grinned at me. “You’re up.”

“I’m up,” I agreed.

“Good,” She nodded at me and I pretended like I hadn’t seen see her crying and worrying over me. She hid it from me but I knew the truth now. She turned around and left the hut without another word. I looked at Kai, confused.

“She’s going to get your brother,” Kai told me. “We thought…”

“I’d want to see him,” I nodded. I closed my eyes, remembering the feel of a gentle breeze on my little face, remembering the sound of laughter echoing in the air. I didn’t see anything but I felt the memory there.

“You okay?” Kai asked me.

I nodded and opened my eyes to smile at him. He smiled back at me but it didn’t reach his eyes. There was still pain and confusion in him but he wasn’t ready to talk about it. I could see that. He wanted me to have my chance to see my brother first.

It didn’t take Tali very long to get Kieran. When he walked in, he looked at me expectantly and hesitantly. He was nervous. I climbed off of the bed slowly, my legs aching and my body protesting the movement. I groaned like an old lady trying to get my stiff joints to work for me.

I threw my arms around Kieran and buried my face in his chest. He hesitated in shock for a moment and then he hugged me back almost as tightly as Kai did when I woke up.

“You remember?” His voice shook.

“Who’s the dreamer now?” I laughed nervously.

I pulled away from my brother and looked up at the man who could’ve been the ghost of our father. He looked like he wanted to cry, but he didn’t. He had been strong for so long, just like me. He cracked a smile at me and shook his head. “You are, always. This place was you, not me.”

“Nah,” I shook my head. “You made this. They’d be proud of you.”

“You too,” He told me.

I sighed. “You see, too, don’t you? How I could’ve turned into this person?”

“I see it,” He agreed. “But I still see my kid sister.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I rolled my eyes. I’d had enough of the heartfelt moment and I could tell he had too. He was protective, not sentimental.

“It’s so amazing!” Tali cried, breaking the short silence. When I looked at her with my eyebrows raised she had her hands over her mouth and nose and she was crying. I looked back at Kieran as if to ask if Tali had lost her mind, but he just shook his head.

“Alright then, I’m hungry. Anyone else?” I asked. I pushed past Kieran and stepped out into the camp, half expecting to step back into a dream. I felt Kai’s fingers lace through mine and then he was in step beside me as we walked towards the meadow. I could see, now that I was outside, that the sun had already started rising and it was getting lighter. There were other people milling around, heading sleepily towards breakfast.

I all but forgot about Kai’s declaration that things had happened here while I was out. We grabbed our breakfast after I got a huge hug from Kita, and then, as we headed into the meadow, I heard a gasp. Everything around me went still.  I saw an older woman who looked familiar in a way that I couldn’t place because I’d never seen her before. She was sitting on the bench that my group usually sat at surrounded by three people who also looked familiar and like her. Whitestrand and Pio were sitting on the ground, as always. Marley was sitting without eating her breakfast, looking a little green around the gills. I stared back at the woman who was gaping at me, horrified and pointing. Her two oldest children were gaping at me with the same horrified expression. The youngest was looking at me with disinterest.

“You have
got
to be kidding me,” The woman shrieked, shooting to her feet. “
She’s
here?”

“Fuck, we really should have told them,” Kieran cussed under his breath.

“No, we shouldn’t have,” Kai growled back, tightening his grip on my hand.

“Alright, everyone just calm down,” Kieran said a little too loudly, stepping forward and turning so he could look at the older woman and me.

“
This
is your girlfriend, Kai?” The woman hissed at the stiff man at my side.

I took her in, examined her fading black hair, her deep green eyes. I looked at her children who looked, more or less, the same. Only the youngest truly looked like Kai.
Like Kai
. I felt the dragging gasp as I pulled in the air too forcefully.

“Is this your…” I trailed off, looking up at Kai.

“Uh huh,” He grumbled, glaring at his family.

“What is
she
doing here? This is supposed to be a peaceful place!” The woman shrieked.

“And so it is,” Kieran retorted.

“Impossible. Not with
her
here. You will not be with this woman, Kai. Do you
know
what she’s
done?
” The woman kept shrieking.

“Excuse me?” Kai asked coldly.

The woman’s eyes rolled closer to the ground and locked onto mine. I could hear the snarl even from this distance. She started moving towards me.

“Mom,” The youngest, a girl, whined.

Kai stepped in front of me, his entire body language screaming his anger. He
hated
this woman. I didn’t know what had happened since I’d been in memory-land but this was the last thing I had expected.

“You’re going through a lot of people if you want to get to her. Look around you, Bess,” I heard Kieran say. I looked around, curiously, and saw people nearby and further away had stopped talking and eating and were on their feet, prepared to come to my defense. They all looked on angrily.

“She’s a
monster
!” The woman yelled. “What is wrong with you people?!”

I felt a strange composure wash over me and I put my bowl of food down on the ground before I stepped around Kai. The woman looked at me with wild eyes but she didn’t move. Her kids were holding her back.

“Stop it, Aili,” Kai told me coldly. I didn’t listen. I walked closer to her until there were only a few feet between us. She was breathing heavily, obviously panicking.

“I don’t know exactly what’s going on here,” I stared down this woman who bristled under my gaze. “But based on the obvious, your
son
is clearly not happy that you’re here. I don’t know who you think you are but if you
hurt
him, you’ll find out why they call me the Reaper, do you hear me, old woman? And stay the fuck away from me. You don’t even know me and you’re acting like a damn fool.”

I spun away from the woman and ignored everyone’s gazes as I picked up my breakfast and started walking away from the meadow.

“Ai, wait,” Kai called out. He caught up to me easily. When he reached me, he put his arm around my waist and tucked me against his side.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“I don’t know. Your protective side is pretty cute,” He teased me.

“Shut up,” I laughed, shaking my head.

We went into the cooking hut to eat. I knew Kita didn’t mind the company and I enjoyed hers. I ate slowly so I didn’t upset my stomach.

“So what the fuck is happening?” I asked Kai. He sat in silence, already finished with his breakfast and examining his hands like they were fascinating.

“You remember the wanderers that showed up the morning you went under?” Kai asked me. When I nodded he said, “It was them.”             

I waited for him to say more and when he didn’t I rolled my eyes. “I thought your family was dead.”

“I thought so too,” He sighed. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it and while I wanted to be as gracious to him about his silence as he was about mine, I was impatient for the truth. This woman had forbidden her son to be with me at first sight. Of course, I needed to know what was going on.

“Look, we lived in a smaller Legionnaire outpost, not far from the city. Some Clashers attacked our camp. I was outside of the walls playing around when they came. I saw everything go up in flames and I thought my family was gone. I ended up in the city, they never came for me, and you know the rest,” Kai told me simply.

I chewed a bite thoughtfully and then shook my head. “And them? How did they survive the attack?”

“Apparently they knew it was coming. My parents had planned to leave but I was out. They looked for me, then when they were almost about to get killed my mom got away with my brother and sisters. My dad died letting them get away,” He shrugged.

“Wow. You sound as cold as me,” I chided him.

“Well, I’ve been trying to avoid them as much as possible. My…
mother
seems to want everything to be happy hunky dory,” He shrugged. He seemed to choke a little on the word ‘mother’.

“And you just can’t jump back into having a family,” I said, understanding.

“Especially after what just happened. I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Kai told me.

Kita snorted in her corner and, without looking up, said, “She’s tough. You don’t need to baby her.”

“I’m not babying her!” Kai protested.

“You kind of are,” I frowned at him. “But it’s okay, I get it. I mean, I
did
just threaten your mother.”

“Did you really?” Kita asked me, her tone amused. I nodded and kept eating slowly.

“You seem different. Memory drugs work out?” Kita asked me after a long silence.

I nodded again. “I feel more normal than I ever have. Well, since the Legion anyway.”

“That’s good,” Kita commented.

When I finished eating, Kai and I left the hut. Kai kept his hand firmly in mine. He obviously was still upset about all the time I had been asleep for. I couldn’t blame him because I had seen how hurt he’d been.

“You should spar with me again,” Kai told me.

I looked up at him with a wrinkled nose. “No thanks.”

“Why the hell not?” He asked, his voice loud. He was offended.

“Well… you suck,” I shrugged.

“I do
not
,” He protested. “Come on, fight with me. I kind of need it.”

I thought about his tone, his request. He needed to vent, to get his frustration out of his system. He had said he needed it quietly, as if he was ashamed of himself for needing something so basic or asking me for anything.