Ashes of the Stars (18 page)

“No,” I whispered, somehow almost slurring the word.

“Okay,” He whispered. He lay down flat on the rocks, his back on the ground and tucked me into a ball on top of him, my head on his chest, my legs between his. It didn’t take long before his heartbeat lulled me to sleep.

When I woke up the sun was high in the sky and my skin was burned. I felt the dull ache from my skin baking. It felt the same as getting a tattoo, like a white hot needle was dragging up and down on my skin. I groaned from the stiff position I’d stayed in all night.

“Eh?” Kai asked in his sleep.

“Kai,” I nudged him, sitting up in a panic. He was burned, too.

“Wha--?” He asked, groaning.

“We’re burnt,” I complained. I examined myself as he sat up slowly and checked out his new burn.

“Guess we messed up,” He grumbled. I nodded even though he wasn’t looking at me and I stood up carefully. My skin felt like it would rip apart at any moment. My entire body felt like it was on fire.

We walked back to camp slowly and uncomfortably. We ignored everyone as we hobbled our way to the medical huts. Tali was there, taking care of Bess. She made us wait in the hut next door. Kai and I sat on the bed side-by-side but we didn’t touch because it hurt too much.

“I heard what you said to Bess yesterday,” Kai mumbled. I could tell he wanted to talk about things but was afraid that it would lead to another fight. I was too tired and sore to fight with him so I suspected he was too.

“Which part?” I wondered. I wasn’t even sure what I’d said to the woman now.

“About us not being able to have kids,” He said, still not looking at me. “Why do you think we can’t?”

“Because I’m a fucked up person and I shouldn’t have children in case they turn out like me or worse,” I answered, looking away from him.

“Like it or not, Aili, you’re good with kids. I don’t know if that’s a repentant thing for you, but you like them and they like you. Besides, we’re not even… you know… doing that,” He said, embarrassed.

I flushed, embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”

“No reason to be,” He shook his head. “I’m just saying, you’d make a good mother.”

“Can we
not
talk about this?” I asked, still embarrassed.

“Okay, sorry,” He sighed.

“I love you and right now that’s all that matters,” I told him.

“And I love you, with all my heart and soul,” He said. And no matter what else, I believed him.

We didn’t wait much longer after that before Tali came in and took care of our burns. She glared at both of us as if we were children and had done a bad thing. She used a salve that instantly cooled the burn and made me feel a hundred times better. She sent us on our way only after telling us to drink tons of water about five thousand times.

I stayed quiet for the rest of the day. I felt trapped inside of myself, wondering what it said about Kai and I that we had gotten into a fight like that after only being together for a short amount of time. I was distracted by things he’d said and things he hadn’t said. All day I thought about the monster I knew I was that Kai refused to see. I wondered if he saw it now. He couldn’t have though, since he’d told me he thought I would make a good mother. Then again, maybe he was only saying it because he wanted children and he thought he could convince me to have some. After dinner, Kai and I walked slowly towards home. I didn’t want to climb the ladder and further irritate my sunburn but I knew I had to.

“What’s wrong?” Kai asked me carefully. “You’ve been making me crazy all day, worrying about you.”

“Sorry,” I smiled weakly at him. “I was just thinking about the stuff we talked about earlier.”

“
Stuff?”
He wondered.

“Yeah, you know, like about how you think I would be a good mother but that just makes me think you’re still ignoring all of the bad parts of me,” I shrugged.

“I’m not ignoring them, Ai. It’s not that,” He shook his head. We got to the bottom of the ladder and both looked up at the top with disgust.

“You first,” I nodded.

“No way. I have to catch you if you fall,” He smirked at me.

“Yeah, like you
could
. You’re just as bad as I am,” I laughed. I started climbing up first anyway, taking it slow. It felt like a brand new flame directly on my skin each and every time I lifted an arm. By the time I got to the top I was even more exhausted that I had been.

“What is it that you’re doing if you’re not ignoring the bad parts of me?” I asked Kai like we’d never stopped talking when I heard him reach the top. I didn’t see him because I was laying with my back on the floor, my arms stretched all the way out.

“You know there’s a bed,” He said.

“Uh huh,” I answered, sounding for all the world like I couldn’t be less interested.

“I know there
were
bad parts of you, but I don’t know you as that woman. I know you as this one. I know you as the woman who teaches kids how to fight, even though you’re terrified to be around them, because you want them to be able to defend themselves. I know you care enough about people that you try to save a woman who tried to kill you. I know you’re with an idiot like me. You
are
a good person. So I’m not ignoring what you did, I’m just paying more attention to the woman you are now,” He answered.

“Ah,” I nodded, too tired to respond more than that. He laughed and then picked me up and threw me over his unburned shoulder. He carried me up the short ladder to the loft and tossed me onto the bed easily.

I watched as he took his shirt off, tossing it onto the floor below, and then got into bed beside me. I smiled weakly at him but I knew it was a distant smile.

“Hey,” He rolled onto his side, braving the burn to face me, and rubbed his thumb over my lips. “What is it?”

“Are you upset that we don’t… um, haven’t… you know,” I said, not looking at him. I looked at my scarred hand against his chest instead.

“Yes. It keeps me up at night, driving me crazy, taunting me like I can’t be a man because we haven’t had sex,” He said, unable to contain his teasing smile.

“I’m serious,” I laughed, lightly smacking my knuckles against his good arm.

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to, but no, I’m not upset that we haven’t. I’d take forever without it if it meant I got to keep you to myself,” He said seriously, the smiling slipping off of his face.

“I’ve never done it before,” I said, embarrassed.

“Neither have I,” He shrugged. “So I guess we’re good there. We’ll both be fools when we’re ready.”

“Sounds good to me,” I smiled. I kissed him for a long time, feeling his tongue against mine, and wondering what it would be like when we finally did have sex.

Fortunately, I wouldn’t have to find out that night. He slowed our kissing down, he gently kissed my cheeks and my forehead and then he rolled back over to his back so he could go to sleep. I couldn’t blame him; I was exhausted too. I fell asleep before I could convince myself not to.

Chapter Eighteen

The next day I was distracted by thoughts surrounding my impending future. I knew Kita had once warned me not to look too far ahead but my conversation with Kai last night had shaken me. He was in this with me, all of him, forever. I could see it. I could see he loved me so completely and I loved him in that way, too. It still scared me. What would his life with me turn into? I doubted if he could ever convince me to have children. Would he spend forever trying to pick up the broken pieces of me and trying to hold them together with only two hands?

I was letting myself fall apart again, not responding to anyone or anything. I was locking myself away, horrified at the prospect of so much misery for the rest of Kai’s life. I didn’t deserve to be happy and he did. No matter what he or anyone said that day, I couldn’t respond.

I wanted to put on a brave face, suck it up, but letting myself fall apart was what I was good at. That night, Kai held onto me obviously worried, but he fell asleep before he could push the issue. I wouldn’t let myself fall asleep for fear of the nightmares that were sure to plague me with this new fear.

I got up after a few hours to go for a walk. If Kai woke up, I hoped that he would realize I was just out walking and safe. I didn’t want to fight again because he was worried and overreacted. The camp was peaceful at night with everyone sleeping and only the firelight to guide me, it was like being in a magical land. I walked to the meadow, hoping that the stars were out and it wasn’t a cloudy night.

When I got there I paused in surprise to see someone I’d never actually met but had seen around plenty. Kai’s older brother, Jacks, looked at me with just as much surprise.

I considered ignoring him until he said, “Hey. It’s Aili, right?”

“Yeah,” I nodded at him, kicking at the grass.

“I’m Jacks,” He bowed his head towards me.

“Nice to officially meet you,” I bowed my head back.

“What’re you doing up so late?” He asked.

“Couldn’t sleep,” I said simply.

“Yeah. I think that’s a real thing now. I’ve met a bunch of people up and wandering around at night,” He said.

I nodded, not sure how to respond to that. He looked at me for a moment and then turned his head back up towards the sky. He looked like Kai but not. His eyes were brown instead of green, his face puffier although he wasn’t fat, and he was shorter. He had the same bright, sunny skin color. I looked up at the sky, seeing that the stars were out after all. I sat down at a safe distance from Kai’s intimidating older brother but not so far that he couldn’t talk to me if he wanted to. It seemed like he wanted to after a while. I could feel him looking at me.

“What’s my brother like?” Jacks asked.

I didn’t look away from the stars. “He’s sweet. He cares a lot about people. He’s overly protective of me. He’s patient for the most part. Bad fighter but he’s getting better.”

Jacks chuckled. “Are you teaching him?”

“Yeah,” I mumbled.

“I saw you teaching the kids the other day. It’s impressive. You’re like a master of calm or something,” He said.

I finally looked at him. “Hardly. I’m as crazy as your mother.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” He smiled.

“Meditation is easy, it becomes second nature. I can get the benefits of it even sitting here talking to you,” I told him.

“Oh yeah? How does that work?”

“I can hear someone sneaking around camp right now, two paths away. Sounds like a girl,” I answered.

He looked at me with alarm. “How can you tell?”

“Light footsteps, not kicking the path. Stepping heavily on the balls of her feet. Probably young. Bet it’s Nix,” I said.

“I’ll take that bet. What’s the wager?” He asked.

“How about this?” I teased him. “If I win, you have to walk around barefoot for an entire day.”

“Sounds gross and possibly dangerous. Okay, same goes for you if I win,” He agreed.

We waited, listening. I wasn’t sure if he could hear her, she was trying to be quiet at least. I could hear when she got close to the entrance of the meadow and I turned to look. Sure enough I saw her black hair bobbing towards us under the firelight.

“Fuck,” Jacks said, snapping his fingers in an awe-shucks kind of way.

“What?” Nix jumped and I laughed at her.

“Tomorrow. All day, I’ll be watching,” I told Jacks.

“I’m confused,” Nix said, walking up to us and sitting so that we formed a triangle.

“Aili is a mastermind of listening, apparently. She heard you coming and guessed that it was you,” Jacks told her.

“Ah,” She smiled at me. “I’m Nix.”

“Aili,” I said.

We sat in companionable silence for what felt like an eternity. I was starting to feel tired so I got up and paced around. My thoughts were creeping in, angry and disturbing. Like a radar, though, I heard footsteps quickly approaching and looked up to catch the relief on Kai’s face. He took in his sibling’s presences but then he ignored them.

“I
really
wish you would stop disappearing without letting me know,” He said, pulling me into a hug.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“What… um,” Kai pulled back and looked at his brother and sister before looking to me again. “What’s going on?”

“Jacks couldn’t sleep either and Nix never explained herself,” I shrugged, smiling at them.

“Well, do you think you could sleep now?” He frowned at me.

“I don’t want to,” I whispered.

He brushed my hair behind my ear and smiled at me. “Is this about what we talked about last night? Is that why you’ve been acting strangely today?”

I tried to hide my surprise but I gave myself away before I could reign it in. He nodded knowingly. “Yeah, thought so. Come home, we can talk and you can sleep.”

I nodded and let him pull me out of the meadow. I waved goodbye to Jacks and Nix but I didn’t look back to see if they responded at all. When we reached home, after climbing the ladder and then getting into bed again, he pulled me against his chest.

“Okay. Which part is bothering you?” He asked.

“All of it?” I asked as if I wasn’t sure.

“Is it the kid thing?” He asked as he rubbed his fingertips up and down my spine.

“Part of it. I just… I feel like you’re wasting your life with me. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t need fixing. Someone sane, someone smart, and funny, and someone who can give you everything you dream of. I can’t be that person,” I said, trying not to cry.

“I think I know someone like that,” He said, his voice sounding faint as if he were trying to nail down a lost thought. “Oh right. She’s in my arms right now.”

“I’m not that person, Kai,” I whispered.

“Yes, you are. And I
want
to spend my life proving it to you. I told you, Aili, I love you with all my heart and soul. Even if we never have kids, even if we never do anything but this, I’ll have a happy life,” He told me, his tone deep with whatever he was feeling.

“But you want more than this, I know you do,” I complained.

“Yeah, of course. I want more than this
with you.
No one else will do,” He told me.

“You really think we can do this?”

“We’re doing it,” He said. “Right now. You’re just scared; you’ve never been in love before and neither have I, but I’ve seen it. I saw your brother go through it too. He was scared to death of Tali at first. Everything he did he was afraid he was messing her life up.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “Kier isn’t scared of anything.”

“I know you think he’s some brave hero, but he gets scared, too. We all do. We live in a world that has nothing but war. We’re all scared of losing each other and ourselves somewhere along the way.”

“Some of us have already lost ourselves, you know,” I told him. I tilted my head back to look up at him. He looked down at me and kissed the tip of my nose. It wasn’t enough though. His words were so nice, so undeserved for someone like me, I needed to
really
kiss him. I pulled myself further up and pressed my lips to his. I kissed him hard and fast, desperate.

“Stop, stop,” Kai said breathlessly after a few minutes.

“Why?” I pressed my lips to his again.

“I don’t want anything to happen we’re not ready for,” He breathed. I kissed him again, lightly, and pulled back to look at him.

“Huh,” I said, surprised. “I thought you were.”

“Oh,” He laughed. “I am.”

“Okay,” I kissed him hard on the lips again. He kissed me hesitantly for a minute and then it seemed like the same fire was ripping through his body, begging to be free.

Jacks kept his word. He walked around barefoot all day, wincing every once in a while. His feet were so covered in dirt and filth by dinnertime that I couldn’t help but be disgusted by them.

“
You
should’ve thought about that before you made this horrible wager,” He picked on me when I told him as much.

“It’s just a day,” I shrugged at him, impressed that he had honored the bet.

“That’s right,” He agreed. Kai watched me conversing easily with his brother and I could tell it made him nervous. He had hovered all day. After what had happened last night, where there had been some pain and more pleasure and happiness to ignore it with, he had been nervous that things would change between us. I tolerated his hovering with the same patience I had before: not well.

“We’ll have to figure out what we can bet on next,” Jacks told me.

“I warn you, it might get more evil than going shoeless for a day.”

“I’m down if you are, little girl. You don’t scare me,” He stuck his tongue out at me.

“I should.” I stuck my tongue out, crossed my eyes, and stuck my pointer fingers up against the side of my head like devil horns.

“Oh please,” Jacks rolled his eyes with a grin on his face. “You’re about as evil as a puppy.”

I perked an eyebrow at him and then snorted and shook my head. I was in too good of a mood today to be upset by a comment like that.

“Maybe as evil as a blade of grass,” Kai commented, putting his arm around my shoulders.

“An unborn child?” Tali asked.

“That’s questionable. It is my brother’s kid, right?” I teased her. “It might be more evil that me.”

“Oh, the horror,” She rolled her eyes, too tired to play along.

“You’re about as evil as a rainbow in the sky,” Kieran joined in on the picking on me.

“You guys suck,” I laughed.

“But we’re right,” Kai said, leaning forward to kiss me on the cheek. “You feeling okay?”

“Oh, for the
last
time,” I turned my head sharply towards him. “I’m
great.
Fan-freaking-tastic, please stop worrying.”

“Fine,” He threw his hands up like he was fed up but I could tell by his grin that he was only joking.

“What were you guys betting on anyway?” Kieran asked Jacks and me.

“Her insanely intense hearing. She guessed my sister was coming to the meadow last night and she was right,” Jacks told him.

“You might not want to take bets against her with her hearing. I’ve seen this girl hear flying daggers coming at her back before. I’ve seen her turn and cut an arrow down from a quarter of a mile away while her back was turned,” Kieran told Jacks and Nix. Everyone else currently sitting there had seen it.

Jacks and Nix looked at me in awe and I flushed with embarrassment. “It was nothing.”

“Teach me your ways, oh grand master,” Jacks pretended to bow towards me.

Kai laughed. “Good luck with that. She only teaches me because she loves me.”

“Speaking of,” I winked at him. “I think
you
need another lesson soon.”

“Wait, you’re teaching
him
how to fight?” Kieran asked me, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Dude, shut
up
,” Kai said threateningly between gritted teeth.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked my brother.

“Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything,” Kai interrupted. I jabbed him in the ribs without looking at him.

“Seriously.”

“He’s…” Kieran seemed to be weighing the betrayal of his best friend versus the betrayal of his sister. It seemed he wasn’t willing to lie to me. “He’s like…
really
good. Maybe better than you. He taught me everything I know. Tali too.”

“Really,” I turned and glared at Kai.

“I’m sorry, baby,” He said, moving into instant grovel mode. “I just… liked the excuse to spend more time with you.”

“You could have just asked,” I glared at him. I jumped up from my seat and stomped towards the house.

“Aili, come on,” Kai pleaded as he ran after me.

“Come on what?” I turned around and walked backwards. He stopped and looked at me. “I’m going to get our swords, okay? We’ll find out who’s the better fighter.”