Ashes of Twilight (20 page)

Pace is crouched in the cave entrance with the lamp by his side. I don’t bother to whistle. I throw the bundle to him and vault up to the ledge. He pulls me in and I go directly into the cave without a word. I can see the questions on his face, along with worry and exhaustion.

My first instinct after my grandfather died was to go to him. Now that I’m here I don’t know what to do or say. I turn around and around, searching for something that isn’t there. The only thing to see is Pip, sitting on the perch in his cage, staring at me. There is nothing to see, no answers to be found, and no sensible reason given as to why my grandfather died. He just did. I back up to the wall and slide down until I’m sitting with my head on my knees.

Pace carries the bundle in and sets it aside. I admire his restraint as he must be starving, yet I am beyond telling him to go ahead and eat. Just the thought of talking seems impossible. He sits down beside me with the lamp by his side and takes my hand. He cradles my hand in both of his and his thumb strokes my palm as he talks.

“I heard it, whatever it was, in here. The walls shook and I thought they would come down on top of me.” As every shiner thinks whenever there is a cave-in. “I’m guessing that whatever happened was bad and occurred because they were looking for me?”

I let out a deep and slow sigh, and with it comes the last breath my grandfather took. Had I been holding my breath all this time? Impossible, yet I feel as if in this exact moment everything about my life has changed. His death was the catalyst and the breath I let out was the acceptance. I can never go back to what was. From now on, everything about my life is up to me.

“My grandfather is dead.” My voice sounds disjointed, as if it belongs to a stranger. “He blew a tunnel to stop the filchers and he was crushed.”

“I’m so sorry,” Pace says. He puts his arm around me and without thought I lean into him. He pulls me closer until my face is pressed against his chest and his hand strokes through my hair.

“You’ve got to take me above so this doesn’t happen again,” he says. “Before someone else dies.”

“No.”

“Wren, enough people have died.”

“My grandfather knew I hid you. He told me to…” my voice breaks. I swallow it back as Pace strokes my hair. “He told me to fight. It was the last thing he said to me. To fight and fly free, like the birds.”

“How are we supposed to fight them?”

We …
I didn’t have to ask. He already knows he has to be part of the battle. That without him, there is no battle. “I don’t know. I just know I have to fight.”

“You don’t have to fight this minute, do you?”

I shake my head. “No…”

He bends over and kisses my hair and just with that gentle touch the tears come forth and I shake with the sudden violence of their appearance. “I got you,” Pace whispers as he pulls me closer and wraps both his arms tightly around me. “I got you.”

I’ve never cried like this before. I’ve never felt this much gut-searing pain. I can’t think of anything but the pain that washes over me, wrenching at my heart and leaving nothing inside but a great empty pit, with me screaming my way into the abyss. Yet through it all Pace holds me and talks softly although I cannot comprehend the words.

Finally the tears stop and I am too exhausted to move. All I can do is lie there, in Pace’s arms, and feel the sensation of his fingers combing through my hair. At some time during my weeping he removed my goggles and the band from my hair. I was never conscious of him doing it, yet he must have, because I can see them lying on the cave floor beside the lamp. Finally, the sound of his stomach rumbling penetrates the fog that covers me and I push myself up. I take my kerchief from my neck and wipe my face dry.

My eyes are swollen and my hair is wild from his hands. I swipe at the lingering tears and smile tremulously. Before I can blink Pace has his hands on my face and he kisses me again, hungrily this time, as if I am the food he so desperately craves. I return it and more. We both rise to our knees and press against each other, twisting and turning our faces and mouths because we want to get closer and kiss deeper, if that is even possible.

My grief has turned into something else. Something wild and uncontrollable that sings in my veins. My craving for the light has been replaced by a yearning for something different, something tangible and so very real. Something that is right in front of me. I can’t stop kissing him, yet I must to draw in air. When I do his mouth moves along my cheek and down my neck. He kisses the place where my neck and shoulder meet and I gasp as I feel the kiss all the way through my body, and it warms me in places inside of me I never really knew existed.

I want more. More of Pace. I tilt my head to the side to give him better access to my neck and he kisses it again.

“Wren,” he sighs and my name has never sounded sweeter.

I want you to fight, Wren …
My grandfather’s last words ring in my ears. This thing that I’m doing with Pace, it will not honor his memory, it will taint it.

I don’t want to make the same mistakes my mother made. I don’t want to end up like her.

I turn away from Pace and his wonderful kisses. His arms are still around me and I have to fight the urge … the want … the need to turn back to him. I have to stay strong. I have to fight. This thing with Pace is not fighting, it’s giving in, it’s doing what is easy.

Yet it feels so right.

He senses my withdrawal, for which I am very grateful. I’m not certain how strong I am when it comes to his kisses. He leans his forehead against the side of my head and swallows hard. Then he jumps up and goes to the outer cave.

I need time to gather myself. I’ve gone from one extreme emotion to another. My head is spinning and I must make sense of things. I must come up with a plan to win this fight.

My face feels hot and flushed. I can only imagine what I look like with my wild hair and swollen eyes … and now swollen lips.

I must not look as bad as I think. I look good enough for Pace to kiss. This thing between us, if there is something between us, it’s happened so fast. It has only been a few days. I have to make sure that this, whatever it is, is real, that there is something between us and not just a result of the dire situation we’ve found ourselves in.

Pip flutters in his cage and drops down to the bottom and pecks at a large rock. I look closer and see that it is bowl-shaped and full of water. Pace must have left the safety of the cave and taken the light with him. If I had known I would have been angry at him for taking such a risk. Now it all seems kind of frivolous in light of what else has happened.

I open the bundle and spread one of the blankets to sit on. I laid out the food Lucy brought and add the things from my lunch pail. As I pull them out I stop suddenly with the vision of my grandfather placing the things inside. It was the last thing my grandfather ever did for me. The funny thing is there is much more food than usual. He
did
know about Pace and made this provision for him.

If only I’d confided in him. Maybe he wouldn’t be dead, maybe we could have figured something out. So much of what I’ve done of late has been reacting to the circumstances I find myself in.
Like Pace’s kisses …
I’ve got to figure things out and decide what the next step will be.

Right now that step is a meal for Pace. As if he knows what I’m thinking, he returns. Without a word he sits down on the blanket and eats, and occasionally drops some crumbs into Pip’s cage.

“You can thank Lucy for most of this,” I say.

His blue eyes widen in surprise. “She came below? Does she have news?”

“Just what we already know. The filchers will try again because of the reward. It’s much bigger now.”

“What is it?”

“A house on Park Front with full privileges.”

Pace shakes his head in disbelief. “I’d turn myself in for that. To make sure my mother was cared for.”

“I asked Lucy to find out what she can about her.”

“Thank you,” he says with sincerity. He starts to say more, then doesn’t. He doesn’t have to; I know what he’s thinking. He’s terribly worried about his mother but he won’t say anything out of consideration for me and my grandfather’s death. His mother must be a good woman, to have raised such a son. Still there are things I need to know about his life above.

“Have you ever heard of the seekers?” I ask.

“Yes. The seekers are an illegal gathering of radicals whose main purpose is to undermine the authority of the government. My orders were to report any suspicious activity to my training commander. Suspicious activity consisting of any gathering of three or more people who were not related and who were from differing bodies of the population.”

“From what I’ve heard the seekers are those who think there’s an entire world outside the dome that is free of flame.”

“Was Alex a seeker?”

“I thought he was. It turns out he was just foolishly in love with Lucy.”

“What about you, Wren?” He looks at me with his beautiful blue eyes. “Are you a seeker?”

Am I? For the past few years all I’ve done is wonder what is outside the dome. But wondering about something and acting upon it are two totally different things. Am I ready to believe in something so much that I’m willing to die for it? Am I ready to die to protect Pace as my grandfather just died to protect me?

“I guess I was,” I admit. “But now I don’t know if I’m strong enough,” I say truthfully. My answer leaves my insides more twisted, as if my heart is held in a vise. If only things could go back to the way they were. Would I do anything different?

“Watch this,” Pace says. He opens the cage door and sticks his finger inside. He whistles quietly. Pip tilts his head and pecks at Pace’s finger. Pace wiggles it and whistles again. Pip jumps on it and Pace brings him carefully from the cage and sits him on his crossed leg. He drops a few crumbs onto his pants and Pip pecks at them while keeping a close watch on me.

“It passed the time,” Pace says with a shrug. I smile my approval.

“We should save some of this,” he says.

“Good thing there’s plenty,” I agree as I pack up the rest of the food in my pail. There should be enough for another day, maybe two if he’s careful.

Pace puts Pip back in his cage. Then he picks up the other blanket and spreads it against the cave wall. He lies down and stretches out, wiggling and shifting until he’s found a comfortable place. He lies on his back with his arms folded beneath his head. “What do we do now?”

“I don’t know,” I say truthfully.

“We don’t have to decide anything right now,” he says.

“I know.” I’m suddenly very sleepy. Too sleepy to think about fighting battles that will more than likely result in more people dying. I can’t help but yawn widely.

Pace swiftly moves to my side in that way he has of just doing things. He’s impetuous. He takes my arm and leads me to the blanket. “Lie down,” he says softly.

I start to protest but he stops me by putting his finger to my mouth. “I just want to hold you,” he says. “Nothing more, I promise.” He pulls the other blanket over me and wraps it tightly around my body, which makes me feel somewhat safe. He turns the lamp down as low as it will go and stretches out beside me. Then he gathers me into his arms. Just that act gives me such a sense of relief. A sense of comfort.

“Tell me about your grandfather.”

I don’t know what to say. How do I explain my grandfather to someone who didn’t know him? He was a man of few words. He let his actions speak for him in his everyday life, even down to his last sacrifice. He didn’t like fish but he ate it anyway. His pinky finger was crooked because he once broke it and it didn’t heal correctly. Is that all I have to say about him?

“He loved me. He raised me by himself, with no help from anyone.” Then something I didn’t even realize until this moment. “He taught me to believe in myself.”

“I believe in you.”

“Why? What made you believe in me when you came to me that morning? What made you think you could trust me to help you?”

“Because you didn’t leave Alex when he was dying. Because you went to him.”

Once more I have no response. I just did what I knew to be right. Doesn’t everyone? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe everything I’ve done is wrong. The things Lucy said and now Pace have made me more confused than ever. I’m not special, I’m not a leader, and I’m definitely not a fighter, nor do I want to start a war with the bluecoats. Yet it seems as if everything is leading me to that place.

“I can’t do this.”

“You don’t have to do anything right now.” Pace strokes my hair. “Just sleep. You need time to grieve.”

I look up at the ceiling as he strokes my hair. The people before the dome used to bury their people in the ground. What if we’re digging for coal and we find the bodies? What if they come crashing down from above and their boxes splinter and the bodies, what’s left of them, fall out? I can’t imagine putting my grandfather in a hole. And worse, having to cover up his body with dirt. But would it be any different from watching his body burn until it’s nothing but ash and then spreading the ashes on the river to be carried away?

Where does it go? The ash and the river? Does it go to the seas that I’ve read about? Or does it just fall deeper into the earth? What would happen to me if I just jumped into the river and let it carry me away? I can hear the heavy rush of its current now as it pounds through the earth, going where it wants because it is stronger than the rock.

Fly free like the bird I named you for.
The birds in my village are trapped, just as the ones who live above in the dome are. Just as Pip is. We’re all in a cage, beating against the bars and looking for the way out. There has to be a way out. There just has to be.

My eyes drift shut and I enjoy the sensation of Pace’s hand stroking my hair. He is so kind, so gentle. I concentrate on his touch until all the troubled thoughts fade away and I fall asleep.

17

I
dream of hands
reaching for me, dead hands that come through the earth and capture me, only to throw me into the flames. I fall into them screaming. Pace is there, Lucy, David, and of course Alex, who holds on to me with his flaming hands and tells me over and over again about the blue sky.