Asperger's on the Job: Must-Have Advice for People With Asperger's or High Functioning Autism, and Their Employers, Educators, and Advocates (11 page)

“I had a reputation for being a huge flirt and every guy was hot for me, and my five-year-old mind couldn’t figure out why.”

- MIA

Once an air of tension is created in the workplace, for the person with AS, this usually spells the beginning of the end. Many have left jobs they liked, even loved, because they couldn’t get along with their coworkers. Not because they themselves caused trouble, that’s the last thing they want, but because they became the subject of scrutiny and gossip and the victim of office (or warehouse) politics.

There’s an inherent danger in writing this sort of book that it will seem like it’s all bad news. It certainly is not:

“I’m considered to be one of the nicest and most even-tempered employees despite being conversationally inept. Most of the time they (coworkers) accept my little quirks. I take most people at face value.”

- GAVIN

“Favorite job? Being a cashier in a health food co-op, because my coworkers were all easy-going, non-critical people, some as offbeat as me.”

- RYLEE

What sort of environment would we like to work in?

“A warm, laid back area. Fun people to work with that don’t judge. Not having people look at you as if your head is lying on a chopping block or something.”

- RICK, SALESPERSON IN HIS FIFTIES

Gossip is human nature. It’s always happened and it always will, until humans evolve into an entire species of saints. Meantime, how do you handle it?

• When others are gossiped about, do not pass it on. You will not be accepted into the NT gang if you gossip. And gossip can’t spread if people don’t spread it.
  
• Even if you don’t gossip, you can still be gossiped about. You don’t have to spread rumors to be the subject of them. So watch what you say, and don’t give away your secrets/personal information. When the rumor mill runs out of grist, people will grab anything, and that will include what you’ve told them in the past.
  
• If you become the subject of office gossip, don’t go to the source and privately ask them to stop. If you are alone with the person who started the rumor/gossip they can say one thing to you and then go and tell everyone else something entirely different. If they were untruthful enough to tell a lie about you, then what’s to stop them lying again? Or, if they were unkind enough to talk about you in a negative way, they will twist what has been going on to their advantage once more. You’ve just given them more to talk about. And if you approached them in private, you will have no witnesses to back you up.
  
• You can try going to management, but that doesn’t always work.
  
• Ignore it and it will go away. Maybe. But if it doesn’t....
  
• Publicly denounce the gossip. If the rumor is a lie or false accusation, by all means defend yourself. If the gossip borders on bullying, then your job and your health are in jeopardy—we’ll talk about that in the next chapter. When a significant number of people you work with are gathered together, say something like “I know that someone, I don’t know who, is saying such-and-such about me. I want everyone in this room to know that those rumors are decidedly and unequivocally untrue. I would appreciate it if you hear this from anyone, not to believe it. For that person, whoever he or she is, I don’t know where you got your information or what you hope to gain by spreading this malicious lie about me, but you are wrong and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop. Thank you all for your time.”
       The people in your workplace may be a little shocked, but the gossip will be deflected from you to the perpetrator. You will not be fired for making a scene unless you do it in front of customers. Your boss will likely be glad you handled it without his/her assistance. Not naming the perpetrator shows a little class on your part—you don’t subject people to public humiliation even if they do. Of course everyone will know who he/she is, and they will be mistrusted after that. People may already know you have AS or that you are unusual, but now they will know you are not a fool; that you have self-respect and strength. This couldn’t work in all situations or for everyone, but it is something you could keep in your armory should the need arise.
  
• If the rumors are merely
  speculation
  about you, you might want to consider disclosure if you haven’t already. If your behavior sets you apart enough to start tongues wagging, it might give them a frame of reference, or at least a starting point for understanding, and stop them trying to “fill the vacuum.”
  
• It must be said: Accepting others and not picking them apart works both ways.
  
• Even if you ask for and get your own space, you still have to deal with others from time to time. Walls can’t hold out everything, and certainly not a poisonous atmosphere. You will have to learn to stand up for yourself little by little. It isn’t easy and it can be painful, so try to minimize the risk by choosing your job wisely. We’ll talk more about that in the chapters on “Working with Natural Interests,” “Education,” and in the “Personal Job Map.”
  

Gossip may be human nature but it isn’t our highest nature. And some gossip is more insidious than others, particularly when it is malicious or slandering.

• Discourage gossip in the workplace. If you, as an employer, let workers say negative things about another worker unchecked (provided you know about it), then you are essentially agreeing with them. You are validating their negative opinion of the man/woman. All it takes is one good soul to make a huge difference in the atmosphere.
  
• Speak positively to and about your AS employee. We all remember high school and how cliquish it was. There was always one person, usually a bully but not always, who had the power to make or break you, through either rejecting or accepting you. If you as a figure of authority were to say something positive about that person, such as “they are such a good worker,” “they have some marvelous ideas,” or even “they are the kindest person,” your employees might begin to look at them in a new light. You can fill the vacuum by speaking positive truths about a person before
  negative untruths creep in. But you have to do this quickly, when you see the first stirrings of speculation or ostracizing. As Winston Churchill said, “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
  
• Be supportive of their efforts to join in conversations. Never laugh at someone’s awkward attempts to socialize, or join in any discussion about their strange ways and habits.
  
• Let us not forget about the power of compassion. Suffice it to say that the person with AS is trying, and that they are probably lonely much of the time due to being misunderstood.
  
• The more comfortable they feel around you, the more they will open up and exchanges will be more at ease and less forced.
  
• Giving your AS employee their own space will minimize the amount of interaction they have to go through.
  

Write your own strategies to deflect or defuse gossip.

What did or didn’t work in the past?

B
ullying
occurs everywhere and appears to be built into our DNA. Why should an employer take the time and effort to care? While corporations, small businesses, and the culture at large may have a “survival of the fittest” mentality, the truth is, the bully’s “survival” is costing employers money—lots of money—in sick pay, high turnover rates, and lost productivity. This has come to light in recent years in studies such as the WBI-Zogby U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey (2007), which found that 37% of Americans have been bullied at work. Bullying in the workplace is defined as:

Repeated, malicious, health-endangering mistreatment of one employee by one or more employees (Namie, G. & Namie, R. 2003).

Bullying can take many forms, including false accusations; hostile words or actions; yelling; exclusion and the silent treatment; insults
and excessive criticism; and unreasonable work demands from superiors. Bullying often leads to a life-impacting decision to quit the job in order to save one’s health and sanity (Keashly & Jagatic 2003).

Whether or not the target has Asperger’s, bullying can cause fear, isolation, mistrust of others, embarrassment, humiliation, resentment, and hostility. It affects a person’s quality of work in such ways as hiding mistakes or not drawing attention to themselves—in other words, playing it safe and mediocrity. This means a poorer work ethic, and decreased enthusiasm for one’s job. Bullying can cause the usual physical conditions that result from stress, such as clinical depression, high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, impaired immune systems, and post-traumatic stress disorder, to name a few (Yamada 2007).

People with Asperger’s are easy targets because they are not always quick to know when they are being bullied:

“I couldn’t always tell if another employee was doing something wrong, so I’d often tolerate it.”

- BEN

Virtually everyone I spoke to for this book had been bullied in one form or another. Sometimes it gets physical:

“A girl at work pulled a chair out from under me. I ended up with a ruptured disc months later which neither my work nor the doctors were willing to associate with the incident. I am in constant pain.”

- MIA

“I thought I was helping one guy out and he threw a stapler at me instead of thanking me. Another guy grabbed me by my tie and almost slit my throat with a carpet knife. I actually thought that he cut me. I really helped this guy out of some tight situations just a few months before this incident. The less educated and sophisticated the individual, the harder time I seem to have with them. I don’t know how I could spark this sort of hatred in certain personality types. On both occasions I was totally oblivious that there was any problem, or even that I was disliked. I was blindsided. “

- WALTER

“There’s usually plenty of supporting spectators and lancers, to see the matador doing what is so easy to do against the Aspergic bull. More educated people are just less direct, and less aggressive, in their delivery.”

- DR. G

With the anxiety already inherent in AS, the fight-or-flight response that they innately have to social contact, and the pre-existing presence of PTSD, imagine how being bullied on top of all that must feel to the person with Asperger’s. It can be traumatic to the point of serious illness and desiring to withdraw from society altogether. And of course it is usually fatal to their job, if not their entire career. This can result in highly valuable and intelligent people remaining out of work, either dependent on some sort of benefits or scraping along on incomes well below the poverty threshold:

“For me the workplace means bullying and abuse, cruel politics, isolation, scapegoating, deception, and illness. I attended graduate school but am unable to maintain employment at the minimum wage level.”

- ALLISON

It is not always a co-worker who is the bully:

“My boss at the two-way shop was hot tempered. He thought customers liked it when the manager chews out the employee; thought it proved he would take care of problems.”

- JOHN

“My boss continually barked ‘What are you struggling with?’ whenever I needed to think. My note taking was ridiculed. I was fired after three weeks because they said I didn’t fit in, they didn’t like my personality, I was too slow, and I was too ‘timid’ with customers. Absolutely one of the most humiliating jobs in degree if not in kind.”

- ALLISON

“I suffered heavy-handed posturing and veiled threats from the managers. I find it especially difficult to keep calm under pressure, and those kinds of tactics are extremely frustrating and upsetting. I cannot talk or function when I feel threatened, and I become extremely agitated.”

- SEAN

There are serious inadequacies in terms of legal protection for any sufferers of workplace bullying. However, if the victim has a disability, they could be aided by the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) or your country’s equivalent. But a person with Asperger’s may not be recognized as disabled if they do not meet all their state’s criteria, or if they are not officially diagnosed. In addition, many kinds of bullying are difficult to prove. The fear of retaliation will keep many from taking action to defend themselves.

• Drs. Gary and Ruth Namie have started an organization called
  The Workplace Bullying Institute,
  which offers assistance and information. According to the Namies, there are decisive steps you can and should take to protect yourself if you suffer from workplace bullying. See the
  Resources
  section to get their web address.
  
• It is very easy, once bullying starts, to feel like a victim, to retreat, to be afraid to make things worse by creating a fuss. In my experience, and in the experiences of those I’ve interviewed, once the pattern starts you’ve really nothing to lose by doing what it takes to protect yourself legally. Remember it is your right to work without fear of physical assault and mental harassment. While our tendency is to feel flawed and that we deserve it somehow, we don’t—it is purely a reflection on the people who are doing the bullying.
  
• Physical assault should never be tolerated, no matter what. Immediately report the incident to relevant parties—HR, bosses, doctors, or police if warranted, and probably a lawyer. Although fear of retaliation can keep us from naming names, you will
  have
  to or no one will be able to help you. While you cannot demand what course of action should be taken with regards to the bully, you should, at the very least, receive assurance from bosses that it won’t happen again. You may have a case for compensation, but that depends on several factors, including the severity of the incident and laws governing your region.
  
• Be brave and as self-assured as you can be when going through such an ordeal. You have a right to a safe work environment. Do not apologize for “creating a problem”—you didn’t create it.