Asperger's on the Job: Must-Have Advice for People With Asperger's or High Functioning Autism, and Their Employers, Educators, and Advocates (10 page)

Ideas for self-improvement.

What image do you want to convey?

What can you do to achieve that?

F
or the person with Asperger’s, grabbing or maintaining control over a situation is a stress management technique, for it means fewer variables will come into play and they will know what to expect. They have a plan, for the hour or the day, and if the plan gets changed by any factor large or small, they may not have a contingency plan. That’s why we often don’t like surprises and can sometimes react strongly to them; even pleasant ones can be annoying. If you alter the routine, we might get irritated because it means re-learning something, re-preparing. Same thing if you change the layout of the office; we might grumble at first. You also may not succeed in getting some to try food they’ve not tasted before, or to vary their habits. It’s always good to challenge people to try new things, but it is
important to understand what’s at stake—a feeling of safety and security in an otherwise anxiety-provoking world.

This doesn’t mean, by the way, that we can’t always think on our feet, or that we will fold up in a crisis. We may be quite cool-headed or brave in a true emergency, but move a meeting from ten to eleven and we may balk.

“Teaching was unbelievably difficult for me. I would get thrown off-track every time a kid interrupted. I was unable to control the class.”

- BEN

People with AS require more alone time than others. This is not just to recharge their batteries;
withdrawing from social contact,
whether physically or mentally, is a control technique:

By withdrawing into one’s own thoughts, [an] individual may be limiting his environment in order to have a greater feeling of mastery.
If I don’t engage with the world, then I can have control over my own small world,
the thinking may be. (Nelson 2009)

Being organized
is another form of control. You know where everything is so no time is wasted on confusion, wondering, and searching. Having fewer variables means less stress. Hence the practical nature of
rituals;
some may have to eat the same foods all the time, shop at the same stores; whatever it is, it is a source of comfort and security, and one less decision to make.

“My worst job was working for a paint company. Every day we had no idea where we were going to have to go. I enjoy going to the same place each day”

- BRIAN

Many people with Asperger’s have several self-taught skills and an ingenuity that is necessary to navigate an alien world. As a result we learn to trust and rely upon ourselves. We may be self-employed or have our own business(es) even if we are working for others. One of the downsides of working
in isolation and wearing “many hats” is that it doesn’t foster cooperation or trust in the abilities of others. We need to think of people who do things we cannot, such as firemen, surgeons, or whatever, and remind ourselves that we need others.

Even though people with Asperger’s like freedom within their job, they find an oasis of comfort in
routine.
They may just have to create their own to have some control over how they spend their working hours. (We talked about that in the chapter, “Trust Me, I Have Asperger’s.”) For those who like control do not always like to be controlled. This can translate to a need for some flexibility from the employer, e.g., the private workspace, working from home, flexible working hours or flexible breaks. As with other sensory issues, anything they can do to have some control over their world will help.

Control can be part of the
perfectionist tendency
we mentioned earlier. People with AS will want to be good at something, so they may stick with what they know they do well, or what works, rather than take the risk of trying something new that may not work.

People with AS, be warned; your need for control and rigid adherence to ritual or routine can be mistaken for stubbornness. If a person exerts control too often, it can prevent their views from being taken at face value, and from being considered seriously (a variation on the “boy who cried wolf” theme). Here is an example from my own life: My boss announced that a new technology was going to replace the current system. After hearing just a brief description of the new system I told them I didn’t want to do it. I could immediately visualize potentially serious flaws and couldn’t understand why they didn’t see them as well. I was accused of having control issues; being lazy, and being afraid of technology. The system was implemented and I refused to use it. I turned out to be right; the whole thing was a fiasco and the company changed to yet another system, a better one, which I had no problem with. The incident, however, permanently hurt my relationship with my boss and immediate supervisor. In addition to a history of being resistant to change and exerting control, the way I communicated my misgivings:
“I don’t want to do it,”
and
“it’s a bad idea,”
made me appear stubborn and rude, and prevented the company from seeing the
merits of my views, even though they were correct. This was a classic combination of rigidity and bluntness and a perfect illustration of “it ain’t what you say, it’s the way that you say it”—that’s what gets results. It is also an illustration of how those on the spectrum can be underestimated and misunderstood to the detriment of all.

• Monitor yourself. Alter your routine now and then, in any form, whether pertaining to what or where you eat, how you dress, how you look, which way you drive to work, what you do on a Sunday or before bed. Shake it up a bit.
  
• When you are with friends, family, even pets, watch how much control you are exercising over others. Too much rigid adherence to control can make it very difficult to maintain healthy relationships of any sort. There is a film starring Jack Nicholson called
  As Good As It Gets
  (1997) in which his character Melvin, an author, is a classic high-functioning Aspergian. Although it has the usual syrupy Hollywood ending, it illustrates this point beautifully and is a fun way to spend two hours.
  
• Do have faith in your own abilities and learn to stand your ground when necessary—but work on your style of delivery (see the chapters on communication).
  
• If you are in a position of authority over others, learn to delegate without scrutiny yourself; relinquish control from time to time. Use the visual analogy of a chef in a restaurant—you don’t go into the kitchen to check on his work, do you? If the staff is well-trained, all will likely be well.
  

• Understand that the rigidity and control that the AS person exhibits is a coping mechanism.
  
• Learn to discern the difference between a control issue and a good idea.
  
• If you are going to make significant changes, don’t just throw something at them out of left field. Work up to it, and give them a little time to assimilate the new concept before the change actually has to occur.
  
• If they grumble at change, don’t take it personally, or think they are lazy. It’s just the mechanism for letting off steam and relieving the stress of having to formulate a new plan.
  

List ways or situations in which you can change your habits or relax control.

What was the last really spontaneous thing you did?

What happened?

P
eople with Asperger’s often become the subject of
gossip.
Their inability or lack of desire to socialize, chitchat, display all the other little emblems of normality (in speech, movement, gestures) will make them stand apart from the crowd and lead others to speculate—especially if their condition is not disclosed:

“In a vacuum created by not having knowledge of the actual situation, speculation leading to rumors is the norm. Part of this may be the idea that speculation—feeding the rumor mill-may help flush out the truth, so therefore is good.”

- LEWIS

This usually starts early in life and can continue throughout adulthood, infiltrating if not sabotaging our careers, and disturbing our peace in the workplace. While a quiet, separate workspace may
keep out sensory distractions and interruptions and minimize social interaction, it won’t prevent human nature from doing what it does:

“If you try to keep to yourself you still seem to stick out like a sore thumb and people react as if you have an attitude problem.”

- DR. G.

Those with AS whose quirks are accepted by their coworkers find that they can and do get more comfortable with each other over time, and some interviewed for this book had been in their place of employment—happily—for many years. However, most agreed with the statement that “familiarity breeds contempt.” Even for those of us who are good at appearing normal for a while, that takes great effort and becomes exhausting. In addition, daily exposure to others and over-stimulation tires us out; eventually we have to let our guard down and just be ourselves. As our façade (learned behavior) begins to show holes, we begin to sense that others are trying to figure us out; we feel scrutinized or disliked (again, over personal things usually, not job capability) and exposed. The embarrassment this causes, the awkwardness at being different, is a vicious cycle—the more we retreat, the more we become suspect or disliked:

“I find that I can small talk with strangers better, though I often still come across the wrong way... it becomes a greater problem for me when it is people I have to be with hours a day week after week, because I fail to integrate socially and to relate to them like they do with each other. It is then that my social ineptitude becomes more pronounced.”

- DR. G

“Everybody’s nice at first. When people get to know you or think they get to know you, they start picking you apart.”

- WILLIAM, 30, SELF-EMPLOYED LANDSCAPER

“You don’t suffer from Asperger’s-you suffer from other people.”

-TONY ATTWOOD (2008)

Feeling uncomfortable, disliked, or misunderstood tends to make AS traits more pronounced, and is a great cause of stress and unhappiness for most... even if they say they “don’t care.” The constant struggle to be accepted, or at least not to stand out in a negative way, affects job performance because it saps a person’s confidence. No matter how intelligent, capable, and kind you are, if everywhere you go people misunderstand and subsequently dislike you, it will have a cumulative impact on your willingness to even try, and will detract from your enthusiasm for your job:

“I have the best job ever. Problem is, I’m surrounded by group-think types who treat me like the village idiot.”

- SCOTT

Telling co-workers and employers you have AS is no guarantee that they will understand you, unless they really take the time to get to know you, and read this or other in-depth books on AS. It is not something one can immediately grasp, but only through a combination of frequent, prolonged interaction, mindful observation, and study can you really acquire an understanding of the syndrome. A popular reality television show recently had a girl with Asperger’s appearing in it for several weeks. The girl, who was housed with several other young girls, quickly became the subject of scrutiny, gossip, and ridicule among her housemates, even though they’d been told she had a mild form of autism. Well, those are teenage girls, and not mature adults right? Wrong. Young, old, educated or uneducated, gossip is built into the human genome:

“I’ve done a fair bit of manual and unskilled work, and I get the same kind of reactions as I get in an office, except on a more undereducated level.”

- DR. G.

“small talk, jokes, attitude, expectations, one-upping, snubbing, back-stabbing, and veiled put-downs. Pretty painful stuff. I am always caught off-guard despite always being on-guard.”

- RYLEE, IN HER FIFTIES, ART DEGREE, UNEMPLOYED

Females with AS, similar to their male counterparts, can have a childlike quality. It seems people often mistake the emotional naiveté of an Asperger female as flirting, promiscuity, immaturity, etc. This can and does often make her vulnerable to sexual predators and to office gossip, while she will have absolutely no idea what it is she did or is doing wrong. There is a kind of obliviousness in a person with AS, a preoccupation with one thing and an inability to grasp another, an innocence: