At His Convenience Bundle (29 page)

‘I didn't need you, and I didn't need a birthright, I needed my mother.'

His words pierced her heart. Tess wanted to go to him, but she knew that for now she had to remain a bystander.

‘I've told you we only did what we thought was best at the time. If Guy had found out there would have been a terrible scandal. Your mother knew that, she wanted to protect you.'

Rafe's cynicism deepened. ‘Scandal! Now that sounds like something I can believe.'

‘You don't understand, boy…we…we fell in love,' Edgar blustered awkwardly.

Tess winced at the scathing expression on Rafe's dark, unforgiving face. ‘Pause for ironic laughter?' he suggested. ‘Some things are just not possible and making what you did sound noble and virtuous definitely comes under that heading!'

‘It was only the once. She was lonely and desperately unhappy.'

‘And you were a bastard. I forgot—that's me, isn't it?'

‘I'm not proud—'

‘Of fathering such a disappointment…yeah…I'd sort of gathered that over the years.'

‘I'm not proud of what I did to your…to Guy…to your mother…to you. I felt guilty. I can see in retrospect that in trying to compensate for what I did I might have indulged Guy, and Alec. I didn't want to show you any preferential treatment.'

‘You succeeded.'

‘Alec wasn't the sort of boy who could forgive a younger brother who was better and brighter in every way than himself. If I'd shown you any favouritism it would have only made his resentment worse. I might have gone overboard,' Edgar conceded gruffly, ‘but you were never a team player,' he accused. ‘Always so damned headstrong, you never gave an inch. I exerted a lot of pressure to keep you at that damned school, called in several favours, offered to build them a new library. All you had to do was say you were sorry—not a lot to ask considering the fact you were responsible for two dislocations, one fracture and several missing teeth!'

‘I didn't emerge exactly unscathed.'

‘Would you apologise? You wouldn't budge an inch! You've never needed anyone,' Edgar accused harshly.

Tess watched as the heavy eyelids drooped protectively over Rafe's eyes. Her heart bled for him. When the extravagant sweep of dark lashes lifted there was absolutely no expression in those dark, shining depths.

‘I don't need you,' he told his father with cold deliberation.

Tess found she actually felt sorry for the proud old man. She looked at his lined face; for the first time it was obvious that he really was old—old and tired.

‘Why now?' Rafe asked.

‘I could die and you wouldn't know…I couldn't let that responsibility fall on your mother. It suddenly seemed important for you to know.'

The pager vibrated in Tess's pocket. Torn by her conflicting desire to be in two places at once, she placed her hand on Rafe's arm and spoke his name. He looked at the small hand and then her face with an expression that suggested he'd forgotten she was there.

‘I've got to go.'

‘I'm coming with you.'

‘But…' One look in his eyes made her bite back her response.

 

‘We should be able to transfer him to the ward in the morning.'

‘I'm so grateful,' Tess said for the hundredth time. She was, though. She was pathetically grateful for the people whose skill had saved Ben's life.

‘You'll be welcome to stay on the ward with him, but he isn't going to wake up here until we reduce the sedation. What you should do is go home and get some sleep.'

‘I couldn't possibly—' she began.

‘I'll see she does, Doctor,' Rafe interrupted her.

Tess looked up at him indignantly as the doctor responded to a fresh call on his attention. ‘I'm staying.'

‘So that you're falling asleep tomorrow and the next day when Ben actually does need you?' When it was put like that, she was forced to concede that her all-night vigil didn't look like a practical solution. ‘It's up to you, I suppose, but…'

‘All right, all right,' she conceded crossly, casting one last look at the small sleeping figure. ‘But they'll call me if…'

‘Haven't they said they would, ad infinitum?' He sighed.

‘Come on, Tess, you're only getting in the way,' he told her brutally.

‘Thanks a lot!' Deep down she knew what Rafe was saying made sense, but she resented hearing him say it all the same.

‘I'll take you home.'

She nodded reluctantly.

 

Tess inserted her door key into the lock and discovered that in her haste she'd left the door ajar. ‘Are you coming in?' she asked tentatively, turning to the tall figure standing just behind her.

‘That was the general idea, but if you've got any objections…?'

The moon was bright but the flagstoned path was overhung with a thick canopy of heavy branches and his face remained a slightly paler shadow amongst many shadows.

‘After what you've done for Ben, you think I'm going to slam the door in your face?'

‘I was sort of hoping your welcome might be motivated by something other than gratitude.'

Flustered by his unfriendly tone, Tess pushed her fringe off her forehead. ‘I didn't mean…of course I want you…that is, I don't
want
you.' Liar, liar…‘I want you to come in.'

He waited with apparent patience for her to finish tying herself into knots and subside into embarrassed silence. ‘If you're worried I'll try slaking my lust at an inopportune moment, I'll take the couch.'

Despite the debilitating exhaustion invading just about every cell of her body, the prospect of lust-slaking didn't sound so awfully bad to Tess.

‘Actually,' she told him, blinking against the harsh electric light in the narrow hallway, ‘I thought it might be nice to hold someone and be held.' She didn't much care if she sounded forward and pushy, she didn't want to be alone.

‘Just someone?'

Tess gave an exasperated sigh. ‘No, not just someone…just you, actually. Happy now?' What a silly question—of course he wasn't happy! ‘Do you want to talk about—?' she offered gently.

‘No!' he cut in savagely. ‘I don't want to talk to or about my grandfather…sorry,
father
.' Tess winced at the palpable bitterness in his voice. ‘I suppose this makes my father my half-brother…?' He gave a bitter laugh. ‘Talk about happy families.'

She knew he should talk; she knew he had to talk—she was equally sure that now wasn't the time for her to point it out. Taking his big hand in hers, she led him upstairs to her bed.

Tess slept straight away. She wasn't sure if Rafe did; she suspected not. When she woke some time later it was still dark and she could tell from the light shallowness of his breathing that Rafe was awake too. In the shadows she could see his back was turned to her. She'd fallen asleep in his arms—it didn't feel right not to wake up in the same place.

She felt the quiver run through his lean body when she placed her hand on his back, but he didn't move or protest when she leant across and started to massage the smooth flesh across his broad bare shoulders. She could feel the tight knots bunched under the silky surface. Tess was breathing hard from a combination of exertion and excitement by the time the tension had eased.

‘Better?' she whispered softly, pulling herself closer until her front was hard against the strong curve of his back. His deep sigh was the sort of confirmation she'd hoped for.

She slid her arm over his shoulder and ran an exploratory hand down lower over his hard torso.

‘What are you doing, Tess?'

‘Touching you,' she told him, widening her area of interest. ‘Do you mind?'

Suddenly the idea of payment for services rendered didn't seem so attractive. In fact it left a very sour taste in his mouth. He wanted her to do this because she needed to—needed to as badly as he did.

‘You don't have to do this because you feel you have to repay me.'

Tess wished she could see his face. ‘Is that a polite way of saying you're not in the mood?'

‘I only want you to do this if—'

Her voice, high and unsteady, cut across his. ‘If I can't think of anything else but the taste and smell and feel of you. I can't think about anything but having you kiss and touch me…feeling you move inside me.' A wild little laugh bubbled up inside her. ‘Is that enough wanting for you, Rafe?'

She felt the growl vibrate deep down in his chest as, with a breathless display of speed, he turned over and pulled her on top of him.

‘It'll do for now,' he confirmed, his dark eyes moving hungrily over the pale image of her face. ‘It'll do just fine!'

He kissed her like a man starving for the taste of her lips. Tess responded with wild enthusiasm and deep relief. For one awful minute she'd thought he didn't want her. Rafe was a man whose life was being turned upside down. He was seeking an outlet for his frustration and she was more than willing to provide it. She pushed aside the depressing thought that his present need was only transitory.

T
ESS
heard the taxi arrive just as Rafe, his sleeveless tee shirt wet with sweat, entered the kitchen. Breathing hard, he bent forward and braced his hands against his muscular thighs. His legs were dusted with a fine mesh of dark hair. Like his skin, they were dampened and glistened faintly. She swallowed and averted her gaze.

‘I've been for a run,' he explained somewhat unnecessarily as he straightened up.

‘So I see.' She checked she had put her mobile in her bag before snapping it shut and swinging it businesslike over one shoulder.

Her insides were mush and she felt about as businesslike as a limp stick of celery. She was driven to cast a furtive fleeting glance in his direction and instantly regretted it as, heart thudding painfully, she immediately withdrew her glance. How could you know someone for so long and not notice how simply
magnificent
they were?

‘It helps me think.'

Tess nodded vaguely; she'd given up on sensible thought about five heartbeats earlier.

‘I tried not to disturb you.'

Tess found herself praying he'd never appreciate the profound irony of that statement.

‘About last night…' he began.

‘Not now, Rafe, I need to get to the hospital.' To avoid looking at him, she opened her bag and pretended to be searching for something significant. She didn't want to hear him say that last night had been a mistake…not now—not ever, actually—but she was trying with limited success to be realistic.

Waking up alone had been enough realism to last her for the rest of the morning! She gritted her teeth against the deluge of loneliness that engulfed her when she recalled reaching sleepily out towards him only to find an empty pillow beside her.

‘My taxi's waiting.'

‘I can take you,' he said, peeling off his sweaty top in one elegant motion.

Tess took one look at his bronzed rippling torso and almost ran from the room. ‘No, it's fine, the taxi's here,' she babbled before she put as much distance between her and Rafe as humanly possible.

Ben had already been transferred to the brightly decorated children's ward by the time she arrived. Chloe, one bruised side of her face an interesting multi-coloured rainbow of colours, sat beside him. She looked up when Tess walked in and got to her feet.

‘How is he?' Tess asked, her eyes on the tiny, vulnerable figure in the bed.

‘Doing even better than they expected.'

Tess gave a sigh of relief. ‘They don't tell you a thing on the phone, do they? Don't get up on my account,' she said, feeling awkward. Who am I to come between mother and son…?

‘No, I was just going to join Ian for a coffee. Tess…?'

‘What, no aunty—?'

Chloe gave a sheepish smile. ‘You're not actually much older than me, are you?' she said as if realising it for the first time. ‘Could we talk a little later?' she asked, displaying a surprising amount of diffidence.

‘Sure,' Tess agreed, trying not to sound as worried about the prospect as she felt.

It was Ian who came along a little later and suggested that she meet Chloe in the coffee shop while he sat with Ben. She didn't really have any legitimate excuse not to co-operate as Ben was dozing again, so reluctantly Tess agreed.

Ian touched her on the shoulder as she got to her feet. ‘I know…' An impatient expression flickered across his handsome face. ‘Who am I kidding? I don't begin to know how you must have felt when Chloe said she wanted to take the boy away.' His hand tightened on her shoulder. ‘But I've got an imagination.' His eyes were warmly compassionate.

‘I have to support Chloe in what she decides to do. Whatever that is,' he explained half apologetically. ‘For what it's worth, I don't think she thought it through, and if it's any comfort,' he added thoughtfully, ‘I think she's beginning to realise that too.'

Tess looked up at him and smiled. ‘You really love her, don't you?'

Ian shrugged. ‘For better, as they say, or worse.'

Impulsively Tess reached up and kissed him swiftly. ‘I think Chloe is a very lucky girl,' she said huskily. She turned and almost walked slap bang into Rafe.

‘What are you doing?'

He didn't reply immediately, just continued to glower furiously down at her, apparently in the grip of strong but dumb emotions.

‘I'd ask you the same thing,' he replied eventually with a distinct lack of originality, ‘if it wasn't so obvious.' He cast a particularly vicious glare towards Ian's back. Tess could almost visualise the daggers protruding from between the older man's shoulder blades.

I'll be damned if I'm going to apologise for an innocent peck on the cheek, she decided, lifting her chin defiantly.

‘I'm going to see Chloe,' she explained, waiting impatiently for him to move. He didn't.

‘I thought they were discharging her this morning. Has she had a relapse?' He didn't sound too devastated by the prospect.

‘No, she hasn't, I'm meeting her in the coffee shop.' At last he moved to one side but, unfortunately from her point of view—she couldn't think straight with him around—he fell into step beside her.
‘Alone,'
she added pointedly. Experience told her there was very little point being subtle with Rafe.

‘Are you trying to tell me I'm not wanted?'

‘I think Chloe might find your disapproving presence intimidating.'

‘And do I intimidate you?' The idea seemed to startle and intrigue him.

‘You irritate me.'

‘It's mutual,' he came back immediately. ‘I expect Chloe might be irritated herself if she knew you'd been kissing her boyfriend,' he sneered nastily.

His bizarre dog-in-the-manger behaviour flabbergasted Tess. ‘Are you going to tell her?'

Rafe's dissatisfied sneer deepened.

‘Have you any idea how silly you sound, not to mention look?' she wondered.

Rafe looked struck by her barbed comment. Twin bands of dark colour stained the sharp angle of his cheekbones as he mentally reviewed his behaviour. ‘And whose fault is that?' he complained testily.

‘I take it I'm meant to throw up my hands in culpability at this point.'

‘You can do what you like with your hands, although I could put forward some interesting suggestions,' he mumbled in a dark velvety undertone that made Tess's insides melt, ‘so long as you keep them off that actor guy!'

His sentiment was so unexpected and so belligerently unreasonable that Tess momentarily lost her powers of speech completely. When they returned she was sizzling mad.

‘If I want to grope the entire county cricket side I won't ask your permission!' she announced somewhat ambitiously.

‘Since when did you know how many were in a cricket team?'

She tossed her head. ‘The more the merrier, as far as I'm concerned.' It occurred to Tess that for someone who had not so long ago accused Rafe of sounding silly she wasn't doing so bad herself! ‘Why don't you go away?'

‘You want me to?'

The question stopped Tess in her tracks; her righteous indignation fizzled away. ‘Not really,' she conceded huskily. It had been bad enough waking without him this morning—the idea of Rafe vanishing off her personal horizon left her experiencing profound panic. Maybe she was only delaying the inevitable, but for the moment that didn't matter. To her relief Rafe didn't milk her admission—it was probably worth several pints of humiliation. He appeared happy to accept her reply at face value.

‘If you feel the need to kiss men, I'm available.'

A small superior smile curved her lips as she raised her face to him. ‘You call that a kiss,' she mocked.

‘No, I call
this
a kiss.' He proceeded to demonstrate the difference. Rafe's persuasive powers were quite remarkable.

‘Yes…well…' Tess remarked vaguely when her head stopped spinning. ‘That was…' his politely quizzical expression invited her to elaborate on the theme ‘…completely unnecessary,' she announced severely.

His dark eyes crinkled deliciously around the edges as his expression got all intimate and personal. ‘But quite nice?'

Tess cleared her throat. ‘
Very
nice, actually, but I still don't want you to come with me.'

Rafe seemed prepared to accept her decision this time. ‘Fair enough,' he drawled, giving a good impression of a reasonable, fair-minded individual he wasn't! ‘I'll see you later.'

‘You will?' Tess frowned. The words had emerged far too breathlessly hopeful for her peace of mind.

‘I'll be around,' he assured her, heading off in the opposite direction with a casual farewell salute.

For how long? she brooded, trying to turn her thoughts to Chloe and what she might want to say. It turned out Chloe said a lot and almost all of it surprised Tess.

‘Children, they're a big responsibility, aren't they?' Chloe fretfully toyed with the bracelet around her slender wrist.

‘It was an accident, you can't blame yourself,' Tess soothed.

‘I don't,' Chloe responded immediately, looking puzzled.

‘I suppose you've felt like this every time he's been ill. I couldn't bear it!' she choked.

‘I try not to be overprotective, but it's an uphill battle,' Tess admitted. ‘There are compensations, you know,' she added quietly. ‘Children give a lot more than they take.'

Chloe looked unconvinced. ‘I…I'm not used to worrying about anyone but myself,' she confessed in a rush.

Tess hadn't thought Chloe was capable of such self-awareness. She felt quite dismayed by the maturity it implied—maturity she'd always been happy to believe Chloe lacked. Perhaps she could make a good mother, given support and an opportunity. She forced herself to consider the unpalatable possibility that she wasn't the best person to take care of Ben—not if he had a real mother with a loving partner ready and willing to take on the role.

‘That's perfectly normal. Neither was I before I started taking care of Ben.'

‘That's not true, you were always taking care of some stray or other,' Chloe interrupted with an impatient gesture.

‘I'm selfish, and I
like
being selfish.' She threw out the words like a challenge and waited for Tess to supply the condemnation; when she didn't Chloe's expression grew frustrated.

‘I know you think it's pathetic, but I like being the one everyone fusses and worries about. I don't like sharing Ian with anyone.' She bit her lip and lowered her eyes. Tess had to strain to hear what she said. ‘Ben called for you after the accident. Ian told me.'

‘Well, he hardly knows you…' Tess swallowed and silently cursed the overdeveloped scruples that wouldn't permit her to take advantage of the situation ‘…
yet
,' she added, softening the blow.

‘Why are you doing this?' Chloe wondered, lifting her head jerkily. Her eyelashes, for once undarkened, were wet.

‘You don't want me to take Ben away. All you had to do was tell me what an inadequate, awful excuse for a mother I am, and we both know it would be true. Why are you being kind to me?' Unwittingly she echoed the question Tess was asking herself.

‘You are Ben's mother.'

‘I gave birth to him.'

‘What exactly are you saying, Chloe?'

‘I'm saying he should stay with you.'

Tess didn't know she'd been carrying around the leaden weight until it magically lifted off her slender shoulders.

‘For how long?' she asked when caution and common sense overcame relief. She wasn't sure if she could go through all this in another few years when Chloe once more changed her mind.

‘Permanently. We'll make it legal, if you like.'

‘Are you sure? Perhaps you should wait.'

‘I've made up my mind. There isn't any room in my life for children, not for years and years…Maybe not ever.'

‘How does Ian feel about that?' Tess wondered.

Chloe looked surprised by the question. ‘Ian wants me to be happy,' she explained simply.

 

The student nurse permitted herself a second backward glance as she moved away from the tall figure who was now bending solicitously over the child sleeping in the cot. She wondered if it would be unprofessional to ask for his autograph.

Tess's eyes narrowed cynically as she noted the backward glance. ‘Did she call you…?'

‘
Daddy?
Yes, she did,' Rafe admitted, looking a little startled by the experience. ‘That's a first.'

Probably not a last, though, Tess reflected, nibbling at her neatly trimmed fingernails. Rafe could produce as many babies as he wanted in the future.