At His Majesty's Convenience (13 page)

She dabbed a bit of powder on her nose—it suddenly looked red—and steeled herself to go back downstairs again. She'd pushed herself through enough long and tiring events over the past six years; she could manage one more, even if her heart was breaking.

 

“Where's your fiancée?” Maxi sidled up to Jake as a waiter refilled his champagne glass.

“Andi's around somewhere. It's a big crowd.” Where was she? He'd been so wrapped up in their guests he'd only glimpsed her a couple of times through the crowd. Still, they'd spent a full hour together this morning being dragged through the town in the ceremonial carriage. Andi had been quiet, which was fine with him. He liked that she didn't have to chatter on all the time like some women. He hadn't stopped thinking about her all day, wanting to see her smile, her frown, hear her laugh and even her scolding. She was becoming an obsession.

“Daddy has a proposition for you.”

“Oh?” Jake sipped his freshly filled glass.

Maxi nattered on about some proposed factory project in the eastern hills. He was used to listening with one side of his brain and making the right noises, while using the other side of his brain to plan ahead.

Tonight he needed to let Andi know how much she meant to him. He'd told her with his body, but Andi was a pragmatist and he knew she'd want to hear it in words.

I love you.

The truth rang through him like the old church bell tolling in the distance. Maybe he'd known it all along but not realized it until right now. The reality of it left him stunned and filled with a powerful sense of joy.

He loved her and he had to let her know that.

“What?”

He didn't realize he'd said the words aloud until he looked into Maxi's startled face. Her lipstick-painted mouth stretched into a wide smirk. “Thank you, Jake, I'm touched.”

He schooled his face into a neutral expression. “Don't take it personally.” He raised a brow. “I'm talking about the development project.” He must be losing it. Andi had cracked open some tender new part of him that didn't quite
know how to act. He was so used to being all business all the time that it was hard to switch off that part of him and just be.

Andi certainly didn't have trouble reining her emotions in. She acted as if she was trying to decide whether to accept a promotion or not. It stung that she had no personal feelings for him at all. He could be alarmed that one slender woman had such a strong hold over him—instead he just wanted to kiss her again.

 

Andi stood there for a moment, incredulous. A cold, empty space opened up inside her. If Jake loved Maxi, why didn't he just marry her?

She stepped backward, shrinking back into the crowd before Maxi noticed her. Jake couldn't love Maxi, could he? She was insufferably arrogant and annoying—he'd said so himself. Unless he was just trying to throw her off the scent.

Maybe he didn't really love Maxi but just said that to her to keep her favor now that he intended to marry someone else. Maybe he was going around telling every girl in Ruthenia that he loved them and if only he didn't need a wife who can type and file efficiently…

Her mind boggled.

Jake was a master manipulator; that was how he accomplished so much and managed to get so many people on his side. Now he was masterminding his marriage, and his relationships with every beauty in the nation, with the easy grace she'd always admired.

Except that now she was its victim. So easy to seduce. Such a quiet and willing accomplice. Ready to sacrifice her life in his service.

Except that she had no intention of making that sacrifice.

She'd tell him why she was leaving, and give him a chance to reply, but nothing he said could now change her decision to get away before she signed up for a lifetime of heartache.

She made it through the grand afternoon tea and an enormous dinner. She barely saw Jake at all, so the hardest part was accepting the continued stream of congratulations on her engagement. She wanted to tell them, “I'm not marrying him!” but she didn't. Too well trained in royal decorum for that.

No. She waited until the last guests had left or gone to bed and she was alone with Jake. She let him lead her to his suite, steeling herself against the false reassurance of his hand around hers or his warm smiles.

Once inside she closed the door. “Independence Day is over, and I'm leaving.”

Jake's expression turned dark. “You can't be serious.”

“I am, and I'll tell you why.” She straightened her shoulders and dared herself to look him right in the eye. He might have power over her, but she was stronger. “You don't love me.”

“I do. I love you. I've been meaning to tell you.” His expression was the same as always, bright and good-humored. Like none of this really mattered.

“But you forgot?” She forced a laugh, though inside she was crumbling to pieces. “You have been busy, of course. I overheard you telling Maxi you loved her. Perhaps you got us confused for a moment.”

Jake smiled. “That's exactly what happened. I said it to you in my mind and it came out of my mouth in front of Maxi.”

“You must really think I'm a total idiot.” Anger snapped through her at his ludicrous response. “I know I've been pretty gullible, believing that we're engaged when we're
not, and going along with your oh-so-convenient plan to get engaged in time for the big day, but it's all stopping right here.”

“Andi, be sensible. It's been a long day.”

“I'm tired of being sensible. I've been sensible to the point of madness lately, smiling at strangers while they congratulate me on an engagement I fully intend to break off. It's enough to drive almost anyone stark mad.”

“I do love you.” Jake's dark eyes fixed on hers and the intense look in them almost made her weaken.

Almost, but not quite.

“No you don't!” Her voice rose. “I don't think you even know what love is. All your relationships are carefully orchestrated for maximum effect. You stage manage us just like the seating plans at your dinners, swapping and changing people to curry favor when needed.”

“I'm not trying to curry favor with you.”

“Obviously not. I was seated as far as possible from you all day.” She enjoyed the retort. “Maybe royal couples are supposed to be kept apart so they don't get tired of each other.”

“You know that's just convention. You and I already have a close, intimate relationship.”

“No, we don't.” She cursed the way his words made her chest swell. “Just because you've seduced me into bed does not mean we're intimate. You think you can fix everything with sex. If you pleasure me in bed then somehow it will turn into a love that isn't there. It doesn't work like that. True intimacy is based on trust, and I don't trust you.”

He stared at her, the good humor draining from his face. “I know I broke your trust. I promise you I'll never do anything to lose it again.”

“Once lost, trust cannot be regained. Whether you love Maxi or not, I really don't care, but either way, I can't trust
you and I won't live my life with someone when I don't know if I can believe what they say. It's too late.”

Just the fact that she could even suspect him of carrying on with another woman made marriage to him a recipe for disaster.

“I want a normal life that isn't under any spotlights. I'd like to marry an ordinary man who doesn't have glamorous women kissing up to him all day.” Did she? She couldn't imagine being involved with anyone after having her heart pummeled by this whole experience. She needed to get out of here before she burst into embarrassing tears.

“I've told you I love you.” His features hardened and his eyes narrowed. Silence hung in the room for an agonizing moment. “I've given you ample proof that I care about you and think you're the perfect wife, yet you persist in wanting to leave. Leave then.” His gaze pierced right through her. “I won't hold you here.”

Andi swallowed. Now he was dismissing her.

Isn't that what she wanted? She'd already told him there was no chance. “I can't be the perfect wife for a man who really just wants a permanent assistant.”

“Naturally.” He seemed to look down on her along the length of his aristocratic nose. His eyes flashed dark fire. “I don't want you to marry me against your will.”

“Good, because I don't think that would be right for either of us.” Was she trying to convince him, or herself? “It's important to marry someone you care about. Someone you love.” Her voice cracked on the word love.

Once she'd have thought she had enough love in her for Jake to sustain both of them, but lately she'd learned different. She couldn't stand by as the faithful wife while he continued to flirt with and cajole other women, even if it was just for “business” reasons. Not if she didn't know that alone, in bed, he was all hers, heart and soul.

She needed a man she'd believe when he said, “I love you.”

“Goodbye, Jake.” Her whispered words hovered in the night air of his dimly lit room. She pulled the big engagement ring from her finger and left it on the table.

He didn't respond. Obviously she was worth nothing to him now that she'd scuppered his neat plans. No more protestations of love, or even of how useful their union would be to Ruthenia.

Nothing but his icy glare.

Andi let herself out of the room and hurried along the corridor, grim sensations of regret trickling over her like cold water. She half hoped—and feared—that she'd hear the door open and sense Jake's powerful stride covering the carpet after her.

But nothing disturbed the small, nighttime noises of the palace.

She had to leave right now, even though there were no trains until morning. She didn't want to see him ever again.

Tears streamed down her face as she shoved her clothes back into her two suitcases for the second time in a week. How had she let herself get sucked into such an insane situation? Something about Jake Mondragon undermined all her good sense and left her gasping and starry-eyed. She'd already spent years hoping he'd suddenly fall madly in love with her, which was no doubt why his ridiculous and unsuitable engagement idea had been so easy to put over on her.

Her face heated at the thought of how happy she'd been back when she had no idea that their whole engagement wasn't genuine. He'd smiled at her and kissed her and held her like they were madly in love, knowing all along that the whole thing was a lie.

How humiliating.

She threw her hairbrush into her suitcase with a pleasant thud. Almost done with the packing. Her clothes would be really crumpled now after being shoved in so haphazardly, but she could iron them out again.

Shame she couldn't do that with her heart. She suspected it would be crushed and creased for a long time. Possibly forever.

There was still one thing hanging in the closet. The long, floaty pale dress she'd been wearing the night she lost her memory. She let out a long breath as she remembered why she had it on. She'd brought it with her to Ruthenia thinking she'd need something smart and beautiful to wear at parties now that her boss was a king. She'd chosen it after much giggling deliberation with a girlfriend, because it made her feel like Cinderella at the ball.

She'd never worn it before that night. Since she was staff, she didn't actually attend the parties. A crisp black suit had proved to be the most suitable evening attire as she hovered around the edges of the festivities, making sure everything was running smoothly and attending to Jake's every need. Her Cinderella fantasies had remained locked in the closet, just like the dress.

She'd taken it out that one night, just to see what it would feel like to wear it. The whole palace was wrapped up in the party happening in the dining room and ballroom, so no one noticed when she walked down the stairs, tiptoeing carefully in the silver sandals she'd bought to match the dress and never worn before.

She'd walked to one of the narrow casement windows and looked out. Pale moonlight glanced off the mountains in the distance and bathed the green valley in its soft glow. She'd grown to love the rugged countryside and its fiercely independent and engaging people. The palace and its nearby
town were her home now, after three years. Leaving felt like stepping out of her own life and into a big, scary unknown.

Inspired by her pretty dress, she'd wanted to take one last walk around the grounds in the moonlight, just to let her imagination run free and think about what might have been before she left for the last time. The weather was surprisingly warm for so early in the spring and the soft grass, silver with dew, begged her to walk across it.

She'd crossed the wide terrace and taken off her sandals, not wanting to get the soft leather wet or have the heels sink into the lawn. Had Livia really tripped her? That's when her memory stopped. Sometimes the steps were slippery, the stone worn smooth by the passage of feet over two hundred or more years since they were built. She could see them from her window right now.

But she would never walk down them again. No detours this time. She had to get out of here and away from Jake.

She'd since worn far more fabulous and expensive dresses, tailored right on her body by Ruthenia's finest seamstresses, and she knew that they felt like the world's stiffest armor as she moved through her ceremonial duties next to a man who didn't love her.

She turned and scanned the room to see if she'd missed anything.

Her belongings had fit so neatly into her two bags, almost as if they'd just been waiting to pack up and go. Her heart sank at the sight of her empty dressing table, the gaping closet with its almost vacant hangers. Soon someone else would live in the room, and she'd never see it again.

Now all she had to do was get out of here without being seen. She couldn't bear to explain the situation to anyone. They'd be so shocked and disappointed. Disgusted even, at
how she wouldn't slot into Jake's plans for the good of the nation.