aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 (23 page)

So I haltingly began to tell him all about me and Jake, 197

JOSH ATEROVIS

from our first conversation in the lunchroom to the flir-tation to our interrupted lovemaking. When I finished, Adam sat for a moment without saying anything.

“Killian, you’d better be very thankful that Todd came in when he did. He stopped you from making what could have been a very big mistake.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you love Jake?”

“I don’t know, no...I guess not. I think I could love him.”

“But you don’t love him now?”

“No.”

“Then all you were experiencing today was lust. Look, Killian, you’re young and its easy to be carried away by lust; but take it from someone who’s been there, lust hurts. It uses people. It’s no replacement for love. Not even close. Wait for true love, and you’ll know it when you find it. Trust me on this though: it’s worth it. Maybe it’ll be with Jake, or maybe not. Maybe it’ll be with Asher, maybe not. Maybe it’ll be with someone you’ve never met, years down the road when you’re an old guy like me.”

As if on cue, we heard the front door open, quickly followed by Steve’s voice, “Adam?”

I watched Adam’s face as it lit up. You could see the love he’d just been talking about reflected in his eyes.

That was what I wanted. I wanted that love. “We’ll finish this later,” Adam said as he practically flew out of the room.

I followed as Adam met Steve just inside the door.

He flew into his arms and they just seemed to melt into each other.

“I’m so happy for you, babe!” Steve mumbled into Adam’s shoulder.

They hugged for a few more seconds, and then stepped back.

198

Bleeding Hearts

“Let’s get dinner started. The other guests will be here soon.” Adam said as he grabbed Steve’s hand and headed for the kitchen.

“Who else is coming besides Asher?” I asked, trailing behind the two of them.

“Ilana and her husband, and my long-time friend, Bryant and his current beau. Ilana said something about bringing some guests that were in town, so I guess we’ll see.”

The next 20 minutes were spent cooking pasta and making the garlic and clam sauce that would go over it.

When the doorbell rang, Adam went to get it. Once he was gone, I asked Steve a question that had been bubbling in the back of my mind since he got here.

“Why don’t you live here with Adam?”

Steve carefully set the pan he was holding down carefully on the counter and turned to face me. He leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. “You picked a good time to bring up a very complicated question,” he said, “but the short answer is, we didn’t think it would be a good idea at the time; between Seth moving in with Adam and my job being in another town, plus things were still up in the air with whether or not Adam would have visitation rights with Kane. Of course, he didn’t get them, but we didn’t know that when we were making these decisions.”

“Why didn’t you move in once Seth was moved in and you knew he was gay and that Adam wasn’t going to get to see Kane?”

“Well, all that didn’t happen over-night. The whole court case with Kane took months; by the time it was all settled, we were settled. It didn’t come up again until Adam and Seth moved down here. We were talking about it then, but when Seth was murdered, it didn’t seem like the best time to press the issue.”

I nodded, but our conversation was over; we could 199

JOSH ATEROVIS

hear voices coming towards the kitchen. Steve turned back to the stove just as the whole party came bursting through the doorway. Apparently everyone had gotten here at the same time.

Adam introduced me to everyone. First there was Ilana, a tall, elegant woman with bronze skin, golden brown eyes, and straight glossy brown hair that she wore cut just below her shoulders. Her husband, Lysander, looked to be somewhat older than her. He was a very handsome black man with close-cropped hair and a pencil mustache. They had different last names, although I missed his, so she must have kept hers for professional reasons.

Ilana’s guests turned out to be Lysander’s daughter from a previous marriage, Nila, and her partner, Heather. They’d been together for 4 years, since they were both 18 and met as freshmen in college. Heather looked like the quintessential college student; long curly brown hair pulled up into a ponytail, baggy sweater over white turtleneck with jeans, and glasses. Nila, on the other hand, had the exotic beauty of an actress or a model. She wore her long straight black hair parted in the middle and hanging on either side of her face like a curtain. This only served to accentuate her high cheek-bones, straight nose, and pouty lips. Her dark skin seemed to glow in the kitchen lighting. She was quite stunning.

Then there was Bryant and his boyfriend, Calvin.

Bryant had wavy brown hair that he didn’t seem to wear in any particular style. He looked pretty buff under his Gap sweater and khaki slacks. Calvin had bleached blonde hair and several earrings in both ears; I later noticed that this was not the extent of his piercings. He was very thin and wore oversized baggy clothes.

Last but not least, a few steps behind everyone else was Asher, looking as innocent and hurt as ever with 200

Bleeding Hearts

his rosy cheeks and shiny black curls. He was wearing jeans and a sweater over a black turtleneck. I gave him a small smile to let him know I didn’t mind that he was there, and he offered back a halfhearted smile of his own.

After all the introductions were made, most of the group headed for the living room. Steve and I stayed behind to finish up the food preparation and set the table, and Asher sat down at the table. We all made small talk, but it seemed forced and more than a little uncomfortable, for me at least, and Asher seemed to be just as uncomfortable.

Dinner was a festive event; everyone was very excited about Kane moving in —everyone except Asher.

Since he didn’t know Kane it was hard for him to show much enthusiasm, especially since it was obvious that he had something on his mind. Once everyone was settled back into the living room, Asher asked me if we could talk. We excused ourselves and walked upstairs to the room that I would soon be sharing with Kane.

“Killian,” he said when we were upstairs, “we need to talk.”

“I know, Asher,” I said, “I need to explain some things to you.”

“I need to explain some things to you, too.”

“I’ll start,” I offered and quickly rushed on before he could say anything, “I’m not really going out with Gilly.

It’s just a cover so that I wouldn’t get harassed. I need to find out who killed Seth and I can’t do that if everyone knows I’m gay. Or maybe I could, it seems like not as many people care as I thought. It’s just that those that did care were very vocal about it. So anyway, I’m still just as gay as I was before. I wanted to tell you all this right away, but well...I guess I have a bad temper.”

“Yeah, me too,” Asher said quietly, “I provoked you that day in the lunchroom. I was jealous and hurt and I just said a bunch of stuff that I shouldn’t have. I want to 201

JOSH ATEROVIS

ask you to forgive me for all that stuff I said, and ask if maybe we can start over or something...maybe?”

“I’ll forgive you if you’ll forgive me, but what do you mean by start over?”

“I don’t mean as like boyfriends or anything, at least not yet, but I’d hate to lose the best friend I’ve ever had over something like this.”

Who could resist that? I got up from where I was sitting, walked over to Asher and wrapped my arms around him in a big hug. Just then, the phone rang.

I grabbed up the phone and was surprised to hear Kane’s voice on the line.

“KILLIAN!” he screamed into my ear, “Did you hear?”

“Yeah, Kane, I heard,” I laughed, “and it’s a good thing I heard before you called, cuz I think I’m deaf in that ear now.”

Kane laughed too, “Your plan worked. I told Mom I wanted to live with Dad and when she asked why I said cuz I related more to him because I was gay too.”

“What did she say?”

“Well, she just sat there for a minute, then she walked out of the room. A little later she came to my bedroom and said she’d called the lawyers and it was being taken care of.” Kane’s voice changed at this point from super-charged excitement to uncertainty, “She seemed really sad, Killian. Like I had let her down.”

“I’m sorry, Kane. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all. I mean, it was kinda lying. You don’t even know for sure if you are at all.”

“No, even if I’m not sure, it was right cuz it means I get to come live with you guys now! Hey, I better go. I don’t want Mom getting mad at me at this point. I just had to call you. Thanks, big bro! I love you!”

“You’re welcome, Kane. I love you, too. And yeah, you’re right; you don’t wanna get in trouble now. Bye, 202

Bleeding Hearts

Kane.”

“Bye, Killian.”

I hung up and turned to find Asher had slipped out of the room while I was on the phone. I started to go look for him when the phone rang again. This time it was Gilly calling as she’d promised about our costumes.

I agreed with whatever she said just so I could get off the phone quicker, so I wasn’t entirely sure what I had agreed to wear. I figured I’d find out sooner or later. It turned out to be sooner, since I didn’t make it out of the room before the phone rang yet again. I answered, expecting Gilly again, but this time is was Jake.

“Hey, Killian,” he said as soon as I answered, “I’m really sorry about what happened today. I mean about everything, the boathouse, in my room, with Todd. I don’t know what was going on with me. I’d blame it on the moon or something, but I don’t know whether it’s full or what. Anyway, I’m just really sorry about everything.”

“Jake, its okay. Don’t worry about it.”

“Just forget about it, huh? Like before?” I could hear the smile in his voice and I could just picture the lopsided grin that I was growing so fond of. “You know, Killer, I really like you a lot.”

I started a little when he called me Killer, but I quickly recovered. “I like you too, Jake.”

“No, I like you a lot, Killian. I want to spend more time with you, but I don’t know how with Gilly and Todd and all.”

“Hey, we’re friends right? Friends spend time with each other.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Do you think maybe we could be more than friends?”

“Maybe, but let’s take things one step at a time for now. I think we were moving a bit too fast today. It’s probably a good thing Todd walked in when he did.”

203

JOSH ATEROVIS

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Well, I probably won’t see you really before the costume ball, but I know what you are wearing so I’ll look for you.”

“At least one of us does. What am I wearing?”

He laughed again, “Gilly wants you to dress up in some costume she found in a thrift store. I saw it and I guess it’s pretty cool. It’s like this long black hooded cloak that goes over this tunic thing and tights with a fake sword and all. It looks kinda creepy, but cool. Gilly bought this cloak of her own, so I guess you guys are going as a medieval couple or Shakespeare in love...I dunno.”

“Did you say tights?”

“I haven’t decided what I’m wearing, so I guess you’ll be surprised.”

“Tights?”

“Hey, Killian, I have to go. I shouldn’t have stayed on here this long. I just wanted to apologize and all. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“I have to wear tights?”

“Yes!” he laughed, “and I, for one, am looking forward to seeing it! Bye, Killer.”

His calling me Killer snapped me out of my horror at the thought of wearing tights, “Bye, Jake.”

I hung up and turned around to find Asher sitting on the edge of my bed looking like he might cry at any second. “So was that my cousin Jake?” he asked.

204

Bleeding Hearts

My mind raced as I decided the best way to answer Asher’s seemingly simple question. How much had he heard? If he’d been there for more than a few minutes then he’d heard me tell Jake that I liked him. There was no point in lying either way.

“Yeah,” I said simply.

Asher closed his eyes for a second and then opened them again. Pain flashed out of them like the beam from a lighthouse.

“Asher,” I started, not sure where I was going with it but feeling as if I had to say something.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Killian,”

he said quietly. “You don’t owe me anything. You said you wanted us to be friends and that’s all we are.”

“Asher,” I tried again, still not sure what I wanted to say.

“Killian, look, I heard you tell Jake that you liked him.

You also told him that you wanted to take things slow, so that means you want to pursue something with him.

I didn’t even know he was gay, or bi, or whatever he is, but it’s obvious where that leaves me.” I opened my mouth again, but he kept right on, “Don’t say anything, please. It’ll only make it worse. I’ll be okay, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve lived without you just fine so far and I’ll survive again. Yes, I care about you a lot; 205

JOSH ATEROVIS

maybe I’m even in love with you. I don’t know because I’ve never been in love with anyone before, so I don’t know what to compare it to. I do want to be friends with you at least. Just...I think I’ll need some time for a while. I’ll let you know when I’m ready. I’d better go now before I do something that would embarrass us both.”

With that, he stood up and walked toward the door.

“Asher, wait,” I yelled, louder than I intended, but it had the desired effect. He stopped in his tracks, but kept his back turned towards me. “Yes, I like Jake. He is gay and I’m attracted to him and yeah, maybe it could develop into something more, but for now, we are just friends — same as you and me. I never stopped liking you, but I don’t think I’m in love with anyone, you or Jake. I just need time to figure all this out. In the meantime, I hope you don’t think I’m being too selfish because I want to stay friends with you.”

Asher slowly turned and faced me again and I could see the glistening tracks left by a few tears that had managed to squeeze through.