Avoiding Commitment (44 page)

“You love me,” she whispered. She felt
something wet on her cheek. When she reached up to brush it off,
she was surprised to see that it was her own tears. She chuckled to
herself at the absurdity of what was happening. Jack was here, in
New York with her.

“You’re crying!” he exclaimed. “Did I do
something?”

“Yes,” she said laughing a little harder.

“Something wrong?”

She shook her head no and threw her arms
around him. “Well, yes,” she amended pulling back to look at him,
“you left without saying good-bye and left me a note
apologizing.”

“I thought it was in your best interest.”

She adjusted her body so that she could get a
better look at him. “Did you honestly think I’d ignore your cryptic
message?”

He smiled despite himself. “A part of me
hoped you wouldn’t.”

“A part of you knew I wouldn’t.”

He nodded agreeing with her. “Then, I’m sorry
for the message, but I did have to leave and you were still passed
out. How much had you had to drink?”

She looked down at her hands twisting in her
lap sheepishly.

“That’s what I thought,” he said running his
fingers through his perfectly kept hair. Lexi watched as the pieces
fell back into place neatly, only a few stray strands obscured the
view of his eyes.

“So are you…are you with someone?” he asked
taking her hands into his own, his voice ringing with a note of
hope.

Lexi hesitated watching his concerned face
before answering him. “No, there’s no one.”

He breathed out the breath he had been
holding and smiled up at her in relief. “That’s good.” He paused
nibbling on his bottom lip as if deliberating his next move. “I
never asked over the summer while we were still talking, but what
happened with Clark?”

She cursed under her breath extracting her
hands from his. She pushed her hair behind her ears several times
anxiously. This had been the question she had wanted to avoid.

“Do we have to talk about Clark?” she
whispered.

“We don’t have to, but you know my end of the
story. You were the only one I saw when I closed my eyes,” he said
bringing his hand up to her chin and tilting her head up to look
into his crystal clear blue eyes.

“Then why wasn’t I enough when they were
open?” she asked another tear welling in her eyes.

“Please don’t cry,” he muttered wiping away
the tear that had fallen down her cheek. “I know I screwed up. We
both screwed up, but I’m here now.”

As if that solved everything.

She sat up straighter, not wanting to let her
emotions take over. She had been down that road before and it was a
slippery slope. “Clark and I broke up the day you told me you loved
me.”

“What?” Jack cried a little too loud for
their environment. He drew eyes from the surrounding pedestrians
congregated in the hallway to escape the cold. “Why didn’t you tell
me?”

“Jack, lower your voice,” she demanded
glancing around at the nosey onlookers.

“No, Lexi, explain,” he yelled out his eyes
blazing.

Deep down she wished she could have lied to
him right then and there. What made him special anyway? She lied to
everyone else. She wished that she didn’t have to explain why she
had done what she did. She had been avoiding the truth for so long.
She didn’t feel prepared to divulge her actions, but she couldn’t
lie to Jack. They had decided a long time ago never to do that to
each other. Her heart told her that the truth would only hurt him
further. That he should leave after everything they had been
through. That
she
should run tail-end in the opposite
direction, but she couldn’t and he obviously wasn’t going to
either.

“I couldn’t tell you, but I couldn’t be with
him either.”

“Why didn’t you come to me?” he pleaded with
her trying to comprehend what she had done.

“He made me…hurt you, Jack,” she finally
stammered out. “What I felt for Clark…what Clark thought he felt
for me, would never be the same after all that. I’d gone ahead with
his plan out of fear. And for what?” she muttered angrily. “For
what? Fear of losing him? No, I’d never feared that, but I didn’t
see that until it was too late. I was afraid of losing you. For
what I had with you was more than anything Clark gave me.”

“Then why didn’t you come to me?” he repeated
interrupting her stream of conscious. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Can’t you see? I did it, because I loved
you. Though you said the words first, I didn’t believe you,” she
told him breathlessly, her face paling after finally telling him
everything she had been holding in.

His features morphed at the shock of her
words. She could tell he wasn’t pleased with what she had said.
“You think I’d tell you I love you, if it wasn’t true?” he
growled.

“Your girlfriend had just told me you had
held out on sex with her for over a year and a half because she was
a virgin. You obviously respected her. You couldn’t even wait two
days at a beach house while our significant others were a couple
hundred yards away. What does that tell you?” she asked her face
regaining a little bit of color with the vehemence in her
voice.

He leaned back hard against the bench and ran
his hands through his thick hair again. Lexi’s eyes were drawn to
the movement, and she wished he would stop doing that. It kept
making her heart flutter. “Yeah, I really respected Kate by
not
sleeping with her,” he stated sarcastically shaking his
head. “Is that what you think?”

Lexi looked at him helplessly. It had been
what she thought at the time, what she had thought for a long time,
but now staring into his defeated face, she was beginning to second
guess herself.

“It was the opposite,” he told her taking her
hand out of her lap once again as he regained composure. “I didn’t
respect her at all, because I slept with you. She was easy to
handle and convenient. Nothing more to me than that. I cared for
her, but when you walked away from me that day, our relationship
turned hostile and almost pathetic. I stayed with her more out of
boredom. And to find out you weren’t with Clark after all that, I
just…I don’t know what to say…” he trailed off.

They sat in silence both milling over the new
found information that miscommunication had deprived them of so
long ago. Lexi sighed, itching to find out what this meant for them
in the present time.

“I guess we both thought we were doing what
was in the other’s best interest,” Jack told her.

“Where do we go from here?” Lexi asked
tentatively looking up into his blue eyes. What she saw gave her
more hope than she thought she deserved. His eyes were lit up and
the smile that crossed his face took her breath away.

“I have a thought,” he began leaning forward
and pressing a kiss to her cheek. She was unable to believe he had
just kissed her after all that.

“What’s that?” she asked nudging him
along.

He scooted closer on the bench so that there
wasn’t any room left between them. “I’m going to be in New York for
a little while so why don’t we try this out?”

“You mean date?” she asked in disbelief.

He scrunched up his face. “You think that we
can really be normal enough to date?” he asked sarcastically.

“Oh shush,” she said smacking him playfully,
“I just mean that we’re a little bit past that point and we’re not
exactly normal.”

He nodded agreeing with her. “Okay, so, we
don’t date. Let’s not be a couple since we’re pretty good at that
at least.”

“Then what are we?”

“We’re working on making this right,” he said
bringing his lips to hers gently.

“I like the sound of that,” she said against
his soft lips, her breath quickening instantly.

He drew back from her, a cocky smirk played
across his features. “I forgot how much I love your reactions to
everything.”

He trailed a hand down the side of her face
and on to her neck. “Jack, we’re in public,” she reminded him. He
retracted his hand seeming to realize that they were in a crowded
place for one of the first time. Lexi glanced around at their
surroundings to make sure that they hadn’t drawn any more
unnecessary attention towards themselves. When she was satisfied,
she turned back to Jack taking in his beautiful features and
feeling giddy and light-headed all at once.

For the first time, she was hearing the words
she had always dreamed of hearing. Maybe not in the exact way she
had expected, but it was an improvement. So they weren’t a couple,
but since when was that new? They had never been a couple. They had
never had that kind of relationship. This was probably the best
thing for them anyway. She couldn’t imagine them as a serious
couple. Every other person they had dated that way had ended in
disaster. She didn’t want them to end up like that. She wanted what
she had always envisioned with Jack.

“Where are you staying in New York?” she
asked not so subtly. She bit her bottom lip and stared up at him
under her long black lashes.

“I’m guessing your dorm room only has a
twin,” he said smirking as he stood hauling her up off the bench
and leading her out of the building. “You know, I had planned on
taking you through the museum.”

She smiled up at him as they entered the cold
afternoon air. “I’m going to assume there will be time for that
later.”

“Not if I can help it,” he said with a wink
as he laced his fingers with hers. They trotted down the stairs
together. He hailed a cab that drove them across town away from
Central Park, Washington Square, and Park Avenue, to a rundown
building with dilapidated paneling and a slew of broken windows.
Lexi cringed at the sight, unfamiliar with the more unpleasant side
of town. She followed him up four flights of stairs and stood
before a door with three layers of off-white paint chipping from
the frame.

He flashed an apologetic smile before
entering the apartment. Lexi breathed a sigh of relief at the
interior. Despite the disgusting outwards appearance, the inside
was clean and well furnished even if nothing in the apartment
seemed to match. “Sorry about this. I was staying with some family
friends for awhile, but they ended up having their parents move
back in with them so they could keep a better eye on their health
conditions. That put me out of a place to stay, and I ended up here
with this girl I met at my last job. I’m not sure if she’s around,”
he said looking around the apartment warily.

“How many jobs have you had?” she asked
curiously.

He squirmed under her question. “A few more
than I would have liked.”

“Oh,” she stated unsure of what to say. “What
are you doing now?”

“Uh…I’m a waiter, but I feel more like I’m in
between jobs. I was working at this amazing job off Wall Street,”
he told her his eyes glossing over with pride, “but they had to let
a whole bunch of people go because of the economy. I moved up here
for the job, and then it was taken out from under me. I’ve been
talking to a lot of companies though. It’ll pick up.”

Lexi empathized with his pain. She had heard
of so many people losing their jobs due to the economy. She was
avoiding the real world as long as she possibly could and hoping
everything would turn around by the time she was out of law school.
Lexi reached out and touched his arm bringing him out of his bad
mood.

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” he apologized guiding her
towards a door. “This is where Stella is letting me crash until I
can get on my feet again.”

He pushed open the door and revealed a room
just large enough to fit a double bed, dresser, and TV. Not that he
needed much else at the moment. He closed the door behind them as
Lexi climbed onto the bed. She snuggled into the green comforter
surprised at how comfy the mattress was. Jack crawled onto the bed
after her, tucking his arm underneath her shoulders, and pulling
her into him.

She let his kisses travel down her face, to
her neck, and across her collarbone. It was a different feeling
than she was accustomed to with Jack. He wasn’t in a hurry with
her. It had been a long time since they had been together, and he
wanted to savor every inch of her body. He paused at the base of
her throat running his hands across the smooth skin left exposed by
her sweater.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” he said
pressing his lips to her skin, “but this is the palest I’ve ever
seen you.”

She laughed deep into her diaphragm. “There’s
not as much sun here.”

Jack straddled her legs and reached for the
purple sweater that was covering her pale form. He slid his hands
up under the material dragging the flimsy tank top with it over her
head. Trailing from her bellybutton across her ribs, up between her
breasts, and then back to the hollow of her throat, he hummed
softly, “Pale, pale, pale. Do, do, do.” Lexi couldn’t keep from
giggling at his adorableness.

One hand snaked under her body and unsnapped
the sheer lace bra she was wearing. He tossed it to the ground and
yanked his own shirt over his head in one fluid motion. Lowering
himself back down to her body, he made work with her breasts until
she was squirming under him. The rest of their clothes followed and
each took their time exploring and reacquainting themselves with
each other’s body. She could tell he was getting close to going
over the edge as she gripped him in her hands and used her mouth to
pleasure him further. He shuddered and seized her shoulders pulling
her on top of him. She gasped surprised by his forcefulness.

“You don’t want me to finish?” she asked
wiggling her hips teasingly.

He smirked. “Yeah, I do,” he said as he
pushed her hips down sliding inside of her. She groaned at his
touch. Jack let loose a low moan at the feel of her encircling him.
Lexi squeezed her muscles and felt him quiver underneath her. She
leaned forward resting her hands on the bed and gave him a loving
kiss before he started moving slowly inside of her. They both
enjoyed alternating between who took control of the situation, the
speed, and tempo that the other employed. As they both were getting
close, Jack shoved her upwards and off of him. Without even giving
it a seconds thought, he flipped her over grasping her hips in his
hands and started where they left off doggie-style. They finished
together, both spent from the physical and emotional rollercoaster
from that day.