Avra's God (31 page)

God, I want him. I’m sure of it. What I
don’t know is what You want. I’m waiting till You show me this
time.
She pushed her desire down. “I thought you said, ‘If it’s
anything short of not in this lifetime,’ you were in.”

“Yeah, I said that. I still mean it. You’re
worth waiting for.” He tugged a tuft of her hair the way he used to
and opened the car door for her. He sat in the driver’s seat and
shut the door. It had been a long time since she’d been in a car
alone with Cisco, and his presence filled up the space.

“Would you make up your mind before we’re too
old to have kids?” He gave her his lopsided grin.

Oh, God, that look. Please give me Your
answer soon.
“I’ll see what I can do.”

Jesse motioned with his head for Kallie to
follow him. He climbed several steps of the emptied seats, his
footfalls solid against the cement. He turned around. “Are you
going out with Kurt?”

“No ‘Hi, how are you’?”

“Just answer me. Then I’ll play nice.”

“Whatever. I haven’t said I’d go out with him
yet.”

He smiled at her as she brushed past him.
“Hi, how are you?”

Kallie swatted him on the shoulder. Her eyes
caught on his chin. Her hand reached up toward his face, then
stopped and fell to her side in slow motion. Her eyes softened.

Jesse rubbed his chin. “Pizza sauce?”

“Five-o’clock shadow.” Kallie started up the
steps again.
“
You weren’t growing one when I met you.” The
fingers she combed through her hair trembled. She sank onto a seat
halfway up the arena.

He sat beside her, his hand running across
the trace of stubble on his cheek. The corners of his mouth turned
up.

The last of the graduates and their families
ambled out of sight through the exits. Men stacked folding chairs
from the floor onto rolling carts.

His eyes studied her, hungry after so many
months of deprivation. Adrenaline zinged through his veins. How had
he not known he loved her till now? He settled on her eyes that
were the same green as the dress peeking from her graduation gown.
“You’re beautiful.”

Kallie’s forehead crinkled. “You’ve never
commented on my appearance. Ever. Why am I beautiful now?”

He caught her around the neck in the crook of
his elbow and raised his brows. “Have you always been so
pretty?”

“I’ve looked like this since I met you.” She
gripped the hard plastic seat with both hands. “What did you want
to talk to me about?”

He dropped his arm. “It’ll keep. Can’t we
reconnect a little first?”

“I’ve just spent the last six months
dis
connecting from you.”

As if on cue, the lights doused, and
blackness drenched them.

Kallie sucked in a breath. They heard voices
in the distance, then nothing.

He chuckled. “I paid them to do that.”

As his eyes adjusted to the dimness, the exit
signs glowed red. White light seeped from around the bottom row of
seats. He breathed in Kallie’s fresh scent. “You told me to let you
know when my full-court press was coming.” He gripped her hand on
the seat between them. “This is it.”

Her eyes rounded in the half light.

“I’ve had nothing but time to think since
Denny’s. I know I hurt you when I sent you away. Give me another
chance. Please.”

She jerked her fingers from under his. “No,
just
no
, Jesse. I’m moving to get away from you—” She
clapped her hand over her mouth and jumped up.

He grabbed her wrist. “You’re not going to
run away from me again like you did on the beach. We’re going to
talk this out. If your answer is still
no
, you can go back
to Miami.”

“Six months ago you didn’t like the way I
dressed, that I tried to read your mind. I was too whacked for
you.” She brushed angry tears away with her palms. “It half killed
me to cut you out of my heart, but I did it.” She glanced at his
hand around her wrist. “You can let go of me now. I won’t leave
until you hear everything that’s on my mind.”

Jesse loosened his fingers. “Is that a threat
or a promise?” He grinned wryly and scooted closer to her.

Kallie gave him a black look. Behind her,
empty seats clawed dark fingers into the empty hulk of the room.
“So, what are you—slumming? All the really cool girls get guys this
week?”

“Ever since Denny’s, you were all I could
think about. But I had to wait till I was sure.”

Kallie’s eyes focused on the floor where
their graduation chairs had been, her face void of expression.

“Look at me.”

Finally, she turned her face toward him.

“I love you.” His fingers curled around the
edge of the bench. “I’ve always loved you.”

Her eyes opened wider; her breath caught. “I
loved you more.”

“Okay, so now we’re in third grade?” Joy
rippled through him.

A laugh squeaked out of Kallie.

His eyes bore into hers. “You never let me
in. I came as close as you let me. Why did you hold me off?”

“You were headed for rock god.”

“You were afraid of me because of my music?
And why did I spend four years of my life and try on three majors
at Daytona State?”

“Don’t make me sound like an idiot. You’ve
got the songs, the pipes, and the chemistry with the crowd. You
work hard, and people follow you. There’s no reason why your dream
can’t come true.”

“Maybe it was just a dream like every kid
wants to be a major league pitcher.”

“Every kid doesn’t have the
ability
to
be a major league pitcher. I can’t believe you aren’t serious about
rock god. It’s your passion.”

“Was. I played with Chris Zigler’s band most
of this year.”

“Backup vocals and guitar. I heard.”

“It killed the dream. I found out that I
don’t like hanging with people I barely know. I like New Smyrna
Beach,” Jesse said. “I can’t write music and travel. No quiet. No
opportunity to refill the well. Rock god was fun—”

“I noticed.”

“But after a while, I just wanted somebody
who knew me.”

A puff of air conditioning moved past
them.

Kallie shivered and tucked her hands inside
the sleeves of her gown.

He pulled her close.

“I’m not going to stay
,
Jesse. Don’t
get your hopes up.”

“Just keeping you warm. Hey, let me sing you
a song I wrote.”

“No. You’re not going to melt my heart
again.”

“Come on, Kal.” Jesse nuzzled his nose in her
hair and breathed deeply. “Mmm.” Another breath. “Did I ever tell
you that you smell like summer rain?” He didn’t move away. “Let me
kiss you.”

Kallie leaned into him for a fraction of a
second and stood. “I read Josh Harris’s book—no kissing till
there’s a wedding.”

“Extreme circumstances call for extreme
measures.”

“If the last kiss you gave me was any
indication, I don’t think your kisses are going to persuade
me.”

“You’re killing me.” He grabbed his heart.
“That was my first kiss.”

“You were twenty! You’re kidding, right?” Her
expression softened. “You’re melting my heart anyway.”

He dropped his arm around her shoulders and
led her toward the exit. “You’ll change your mind about Miami.”

They waved at a maintenance man and pushed
through the glass doors into the sultry night.

“Same old cocky Jesse.”

As he let Kallie into the car, he caught a
flash of her ankle and sandaled foot in the parking lot light, the
only part of her not draped in black. Hello. He’d win this war.

Light poured through the windshield, leaving
their faces in shadow. “Promise me you’ll think about us,” he
said.

“I don’t want to.”

He cranked the key in the ignition. “What if
we’re supposed to be together?”

“I’m too tired to think. If I say I’ll
consider it, will you take me home?”

“You don’t want to go to the party?”

“I’ll think about—us. Now, take me home.”

“That’s my girl.”

Jesse pulled into Kallie’s driveway and
turned off the engine, the house dark—her mother and Aly probably
long asleep—crickets chirping in the quiet. Jesse reached for the
roses wrapped in green tissue in the backseat and laid them in
Kallie’s lap.

She picked them up and buried her nose in the
blooms. “You planned tonight, didn’t you? I thought it just
happened.”

“I love you, Kal. I’m serious now. I’m going
to win you. Think about it. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He came around
and let her out of the car. He walked her to the door with his hand
pressed against her back. He slipped his fingers around the nape of
her neck and pulled her toward him, kissing her forehead.

She looked at him with soft, dazed eyes.
“Bye, Jess.”

In the morning, Kallie held her breath and
waited for Avra to pick up the phone. The sound of Avra’s voice
broke her dam of tears.

“Sorry,” she said between sobs, “I haven’t
cried yet—since Jesse—told me—he loved me ... Not happy tears. I’m
mad.”

The sweet smell of the roses Jesse had given
her wafted up from the trashcan where she’d thrown them, blooms
down. She shut the can outside the kitchen door, narrating as she
went. Aly watched with large eyes.

What was making her mad? “Jesse. Everything.
Wrecking my peace. I was over him ... When he fell in love, it was
with Tia, not me. What is he even thinking—coming back to me after
“
Neon Green
”? And, in Denny’s, he told me I wasn’t in his
future.”

She listened to Avra, sniffing
intermittently.

“You make it sound too simple. Don’t feed me
logic.” She paced back and forth across the kitchen. “Jesse just
threw in a car bomb, and I’m going to blow.”

Jesse heard his heart beating in the ear he
pressed against the phone. “Kallie?” He thought there was a breath,
but he could have imagined it. The phone clicked, disconnecting,
and he spiraled into Kallie’s silence—three days’ worth. He’d had
it with her shutting him out. He’d catch her at the end of her
shift at the Beacon.

Two hours later he jammed his hands into the
pockets of his shorts and glanced at his reflection in the
restaurant window. He threw his shoulders back. No need for Kallie
to know he’d convinced himself she was over him in the fifteen
minutes since the last customer exited.

Kallie pushed through the glass front doors.
Her purse sagged from her shoulder.

He eyed the splotches on her apron before she
reached behind her and untied it. “Kallie.”

She blanched. “How did you know where to find
me?”

“Aly told me you switched to breakfast-lunch
shift since graduation. At least
she
likes me.” He squinted
at her in the afternoon sun. “Could we talk?” His breath came quick
and shallow. His hand clenched around his keys in his pocket.

“Might as well get it over with.”

The air pressed out of his lungs. He walked
down Flagler Avenue toward the beach, the sidewalk feeling too
small for the both of them. Kallie bunched her apron in one
hand.

“Get what over with?” He cringed at the
tightness in his voice.

“Mom always told me the kindest thing was to
tell a guy when there was no hope. I’m not going out with you,
Jess.”

He heard the hard edge in her voice. Nothing
kind about it. “Don’t do this to me.”

Kallie shrugged as though she could care less
how he felt. She stared out across the sugary sand at the sun
glinting off the waves.

“Kallie.” Jesse waited for her to look at
him. “I’m more stubborn than you are. I’m going to fight for
you.”

She pursed her lips. Palm fronds tossed
overhead, splashing them with sun and shade. Kallie pulled her
ponytail up from where it stuck to the sweat on her neck.
“Whatever.” She dropped her hair down her back.

“That was cold,” he said to her back.

She walked a few steps toward the Beacon,
then turned back. “Don’t bother fighting for me. The war’s over.”
She turned away. “Have a nice life, Jesse” floated back to him.

He stared at the sidewalk, listening to
Kallie’s sneakers grind sand against the concrete as she retreated.
Sun baked his scalp and the dark shoulders of his T-shirt. Sweat
and shock ran down his chest. His breathing shallowed as if a
three-hundred-pound anvil crushed his chest. Kallie moving away.
Gone.

He almost thought she wanted to wound him as
deeply as possible. He’d never seen her cruel like this. Even when
she dated Zack, he’d glimpsed her softness toward him. He’d barely
launched his strategy to win her and she’d shut him down cold. No
avenue for appeal. No hope.

He gripped the steering wheel with white
knuckles as he drove toward the woods he and Cisco roamed as
boys.

The forest had grown dense in his absence. He
forged his way toward the creek where he and Cisco spent half their
lives. He stopped at the water and lifted his chin toward the white
on blue of the sky.
Why did You tease me with Kallie and jerk
her away? I did the right thing protecting her at Denny’s, and You
know it. What do You want from me? Misery?
He slammed through
the spindly trees beside the stream.

At last he stopped, his anger stomped flat in
the woods under his mud-caked flip-flops. He kicked the pine
needles away that he’d dug up with his foot. Sitting down, he
rubbed a broken beer bottle against a fresh mosquito bite.

The war is over,
she’d said.
They
were over. Since he met her, Kallie had hovered just
beyond his consciousness as his future. Why was it so clear, now
that she refused to
be
his future?

“Where are You God?” he shouted, his voice
hollow like the emptiness in his gut. “I’m sick of Your silence. I
used to think You were way harsh. Now I know it.”