Avra's God (32 page)

Even before all the words were out of his
mouth, he heard in his spirit,
I heal the brokenhearted and bind
up their wounds.
How much of the Bible was etched on the hard
drive of his mind? His eyes flicked over the scratches on his arms
and legs, their sting obliterated by the searing pain inside.

“Heal away. Bind up my wounds,” he dared God.
He laughed mirthlessly. He couldn’t imagine healing.
Just stop
the pain.
He thought of the whiteness of the snow he’d once
seen, an abundance of nothing, and craved it. In a flash he
understood Cisco’s dive into pain-numbing chemicals.

He leaned back on the pine needle floor, head
cupped in his hands. Sun filtered through the branches. He smelled
pine and sweat. Invisible jays twittered. Maybe he drifted into
sleep, he wasn’t sure. But God peeled back his skin and showed him
his soul.

As a kid, he’d bumbled along, holding onto
God’s hand. Somewhere along the way, he dropped that hand to grasp
at things he wanted—basketball, girls, fame. His bitterness at Dad
had settled into a grudge against God.

A holy wind had blown away the bitterness the
day it swept through his dad’s office, destroying the barrier
between him and God. Now, Kallie shoved him closer still. He could
almost hear God’s door swinging back and forth on its hinges.

“What do You want from me?”

I surrender all.
The melody winged
through his head, unearthed from a hundred altar calls.

He stumbled onto a game path. Everything was
gone.
Beach Rats
, Zig’s band, the bobbleheads. Even the
rock-god dream. Kallie—the loss that knifed him to the core. What
was left to surrender but the music that ran through his veins with
his blood? What had music gotten him?

“I have nowhere to go but to You.” He fell on
his knees on the narrow path. “I choose You.” The sound of his own
voice speaking to God was an echo of his past and his future.

“Kallie!” The one-word prayer wrenched from
his gut.

Jesse stayed on his knees, looking up through
a window in the pines at the blue, blue sky. Silence. But he didn’t
feel alone.

He stood and fought his way through the
waist-high grasses to the creek. Sweat ran down the side of his
face and he wiped it away. He felt oddly free. Nothing was
resolved, but the outcome was God’s. He bent at the stream and
splashed water over his face and head. Cool rivulets ran down his
chest and back under his T-shirt.

He couldn’t explain it. The music winged into
his mind when he lifted his head from the creek, words of praise to
God. He sang full voice in the woods, filled with wonder.

He opened the trunk and reached for his
guitar. His heart tripped over his annihilated hope of singing
“Come Walk With Me” to Kallie. He slammed the hood and sat on it
till the pain ebbed.

His fingers searched for the chords until the
melody he heard matched the one beating in his heart. The song came
from God—and the song rocked.

He played it again, his voice soaring to the
treetops, “Reachin’ and grabbin’, my hands fall down empty. I hold
them up to you ... I love you. I choose you ...”

Isaiah 55:12 ran through his mind: “For you
will go out with joy, and be led forth with peace ... and all the
trees of the field will clap their hands.” His chest and his heart
beneath it were sore, as if he’d been pummeled, but his soul
breathed again.

Avra did a double take when she walked by the
window to the church playground. Cisco rolled in the grass with
four-year-old Johnny Ashton. Over and over they tumbled. Johnny
giggled with delight. Her finger wedged into her Bible, keeping the
place of the verse that had driven her out of Sunday school in
search of Cisco.

Soon, three other boys clamored for a horsey
ride. Avra watched the pantomime—the delight on Cisco’s face, the
grass caught in his hair. After thirty seconds the “horse” gave out
under the weight of four little boys. The boys were mesmerized. So
was she.

Psalm 128:4 burned under her finger.
Stand
in awe of God’s yes. Oh, how He blesses the one who fears
God.

Framed in the window was the father of her
children.

As they rolled and tumbled off him, Cisco
smiled and glanced up, catching Avra in the window. His gaze locked
on hers, his brows raised in question.

Yes!
She nodded to him through the
glass.

He shouted something to the other teacher and
high-jumped the kiddy yard fence.

She laughed and ran to meet him at the
playground door.

“Did that nod mean what I think it meant?”
Cisco stood, breathing hard. “That you’ll be my girl?”

“Yes.” His warm, chapped lips were on hers,
his arms squeezed her to him. Her fingers clung to his ribs. She
breathed in sweat, grass, and heaven. Behind him, angels
talked.

“Yuck. Kissing.”

“I like my mommy’s kisses.”

“Mommies give itty bitty kisses.”

“Mommies don’t give kisses like
that
.
Yuck.”

“Do too.”

“Do not.”

“They give them to daddies.”

Laughter bubbled up between Avra and Cisco,
breaking them apart. Heat burned her face as they turned toward
their short audience.

Cisco kept his arm gripped tightly around
her. He shook his finger at the pregnant teacher standing next to
the slide. “I’ll get you for this.”

“Oh, did the gate slip open?” she said, all
innocence. “Okay, kids, they lived happily ever after. Come in for
snacks!”

Kallie wadded her taco wrapper and tossed it
onto the tray in front of Cisco and Avra. What if it were she and
Jesse sitting there radiating happiness like a couple of Christmas
trees?

Cisco scraped his chair back. “I’m outta
here—shoot some hoops with—” He stopped himself.

Kallie quirked an eyebrow. “Consorting with
the enemy, huh?”

“Come on, Kal,” Cisco said, “The guy
loves
you. Work it out.”

“Okay, okay.” Kallie gave him a syrupy smile.
“I’m not making you two choose sides. Kick his butt for me.”

“I can do that.” He grinned and bent to kiss
Avra—a little longer than necessary. Jealousy flashed through
Kallie.

Avra’s eyes followed Cisco out the glass
doors. “You could have that too.” She shifted her gaze to
Kallie.

“What? Are you reading my mind?”

Avra shoved away the orange tray and leaned
on her elbows. “What do you think this anger is all about?”

“That I’m still whacked?”

“You need to forgive Jesse. Decide what still
hurts when you probe it.”

“Should be easy. I spit it all out to you on
the phone the other day.”

“Tell Jesse each thing that he did or said
and how you felt about it. Let him tell his side.”

“You mean
talk
to him?” Kallie
frowned. “I already told him to get a life!”

Avra brushed the crumbs from the table onto
the tray.

“You’re right. I feel it in here.” Kallie
tapped her heart. “How did you get to be so smart?”

“Lived it.”

Kallie dropped their garbage into the nearby
bin. “Thanks.” She waved, her mind already on Jesse’s sins.

After a long walk along the river, ranting
Jesse’s offenses to God, Kallie stopped by the shed for her
Skechers’ box. As she headed home, she steeled herself to read
“
Neon Green
’s” lyrics one last time. She slumped onto the
back step and stared at the yard jungle. A breath filled her lungs,
and she let it go.

She set the box on the step beside her and
scribbled onto the back of a garage shelving advertisement all the
things Jesse had done that still hurt. She took a match from the
kitchen and touched the flame to the corner of the flyer.

I forgive Jesse for this stuff, but I’m
counting on You to make it real.
The fire spread and blackened
the pain Jesse had caused. She dropped the corner she’d been
holding onto the step. The flame died, leaving only ash.

She sighed and reached for “
Neon
Green.
” She’d saved the hardest for last. She took a fortifying
breath and lifted the lid. All the dirt had shaken off the folded
paper in transit. She opened it up, her eyes darting to Jesse’s
handwriting at the bottom of the song.
How? When?

She skimmed down through the song.

We all turn to stare. Girl’s got

Sass. She’s smooth as glass—neon green.

Thinks she can read my mind. Thinks she

Knows my soul. Deluded, blinder

Than blind ...

Never gonna be there for ya.

Never gonna bond ...

Kal,

I wrote this song when I was drunk on Tia’s
neediness—to get you out of my head. But the song changed
nothing—except it knifed you. I’m sorry.

You blew me off tonight when I asked you out.
I realized for the first time that I love you. I’m the one who’s
been blinder than blind. Forgive me.

And I have to believe you’re going to be
there for me, that you’ll bond to me like I’ve bonded to you.
Because I need you. Man, do I need you. Forever.

Jesse

Jesse had written the note over a month ago.
She’d blocked his e-mails, rejected his calls— at least one a day.
He’d wanted to tell her he loved her. He’d loved her for a
month—and probably a lot longer, according to his note. Graduation
night she’d unblocked his e-mail, but she’d woken up too mad to
read the e-mails.

Inside, she scrolled through her in-box
reading Jesse’s e-mails in chronological order. Halfway through
them, her phone vibrated in her pocket. She reached for it.

“Kallie?” Jesse waited, expecting her to hang
up. He’d sat with the phone in his hand for thirty-three minutes
working up the guts to call her.

Silence. Deep sigh. “I’m not appreciating all
your logical arguments for us to go out.” She rattled them off
exactly as he’d written them. “We know each other well, and there
wouldn’t be many surprises. Having been close in the past is a good
foundation. We’ve got music in common. We’re intellectual peers.
Jesse Wayne, logic is just not enough. You are so left-brained,
you’re driving me insane. I want to know what you feel. You were
out of your mind in love with Tía. What am I? Warmed-over mac and
cheese?”

Jesse laughed. “And, hi, how are you too?”
Relief and hope spun through him like adrenaline. “Would you go out
with me?” He reeled, trying to get his footing.

“But, you’re just going to try to pressure me
to consider ... you know.”

“Of course I am.”

“That’s
the problem. Where are you
asking me to go?”

“Church.” He gritted his teeth, waiting for
her response.

“Sounds harmless enough.” He pictured her
one-shouldered shrug.

“See you at six-thirty tomorrow.” Jesse
pressed the disconnect button and fell back on his bed.
Thank
You, God!

Kallie stepped out her front door. Her
rainbow broom skirt floated against her calves as she came down the
steps.

Jesse shook his head, taking in her long,
loose neon green blouse.

She’d chosen it because Jesse knew it meant
keep your distance.
But the gleam in his eye meant
trouble.

“What?” She pressed her lips into a flat
line.

“You look beautiful. Thanks for coming with
me.” He reached for her hand and held it in his palm. “Just,
thanks.”

Warmth spread up her arm.

He walked her to the car, not releasing her
hand till he let her into the car. “Still mad at me?”

She folded her arms across her waist. “Not
exactly, but we have a lot of talking to do.”

He slid into the driver’s seat and rested his
arm on the back of her seat. He rubbed her hair between his
fingers, his knuckles brushing her neck.

She sat rigid, willing herself not to
respond. Only five minutes into the date and his touch was already
making her crazy.

He pulled out, braked at the stop sign.

“So you’re slumming with the fashion
idiot?”

“If I could take “
Neon Green
” back, I
would. I thought focusing on your flaws would get you out of my
system.” He wheeled into the church parking lot. “But the song
wasn’t true. I like the way you dress. You’re pretty good at
reading my mind, but I didn’t appreciate it then. You’re the only
one who’s ever been interested in what’s going on inside me. And
I’m praying that you’re whacked enough to give me a real chance.”
He shot a hopeful grin at her.

Jesse’s words poured over her wounds like
healing salve. She looked out the window at a family with three
small children climbing out of a minivan. She blinked the wetness
out of her eyes.

“Thanks.” She drew a shaky breath. “So, who’s
preaching tonight?”

“I am.”

“You’re kidding!”

“Dad’s letting me preach on Wednesday nights
this summer to try it out.”

“Oh, Jesse, I’m sorry for dredging up all
this drama.”

Jesse grinned. “Maybe once we get to the
other side of the drama, we’ll have a couple of boring weeks.”

He came around and opened her door. Kallie
slid out. “You’re really preaching?”

He nodded.

She remembered Jesse telling her about the
man who said he’d grow up to be a preacher.

Jesse introduced her to his mother, Cal, and
Missy as they shuffled into their pew.

Rev. Koomer bent over the piano, saying
something to a lady with blue hair. He looked up and crossed the
sanctuary to her as if she were the person he’d most like to see in
church on a Wednesday night. “Kallie, welcome.” He shook her hand,
his smile pouring over her. Would he maybe adopt her?

“Thanks again for helping me. I wouldn’t be
here if it weren’t for you.”

He winked at her. “And Jesse.”